Nothing Really Matters

My eyes flew open when the phone rang 3 o’clock in the morning. My dad had had a really bad habit of calling in the middle of the night a lot lately. I could hear my mom complaining further down the hall, the loud ringtone apparently waking her up as well.

“Dad….”
“Hey….”

He sounded off. Weird. Making me wake up in record time. Something was very wrong.

“Are you alright?”
“Yeah…. Well, no… I don’t know.”
“It’s London, isn’t it?”
“Yeah. I… I know it’s a lot to ask and I’m not sure it’s the right thing but…”
“I will come down there if that’s what you want.”
“I know you will, I’m just not sure you should.”
“What’s going on, dad?”

A light knock on the door was followed by mom stepping into the room and walked over to sit down on the bed.

“She’s….”
“Did she leave again?”
“No. No, she’s here. Sort of…. Fuck, I’m sorry… She’s… I don’t know…. Gone.”
“What do you mean, gone?”
“Doctor said something about catatonic.”
“What does that mean?”
“She’s nonresponsive to everything and everyone. She hasn’t moved for the past… 3 hours. I’m not sure what to do… I can’t do anything.”
“I will be there, dad.”

The phone suddenly disappeared out of my hand when mom grabbed it.

“Norman, what’s going on?”

She stood and walked away a few steps. I assumed he tried to explain the whole thing all over again and I still tried to grasp what it all meant. I hadn’t known her that long but I loved her. Sure she was fucked up but that was what made her, her. She really loved my dad and I knew she meant everything to him. He would do whatever it took to safe her. Including it seemed begging with his ex. They were both yelling all of the sudden.

“Are you fucking insane?! I’m not going to let you do this to him! He’s a kid! How can you even want him to…!”
“Helena, please… I need him to be here right now. I want my son to be here…”
“For you or for her?!”
“What fucking difference does it make?!”
“Because right now you’re not thinking straight!”
“She might not live through this, Helena! Please…”
“Mom! I’m going.”
“Mingus, you’re not going anywhere.”
“Fuck you!”

She narrowed her eyes at me and I knew I had crossed the line and I would usually have backed down, apologized, but this time I would stand my ground. There was no way in hell I would stay in New York when she was dying, or whatever was wrong with her.

“I’m going and you’re not going to stop me!”
“Watch me!”
“I want to help, mom! You might not like this or like her, but I don’t give a shit! I care about what happens to her and if I can help I will!”
“This has nothing to do with you! You’re a kid, you’re not supposed to…”
“I love her, mom. She’s… I don’t know, a friend I guess. If she… If she dies and I’m not there… I will never forgive you for that.”

I could tell my argument finally worked and she stayed quiet for a while, still holding the phone in her hand, before nodding.

“Fine… He’ll be there.”
“Thank you.”

I started throwing down some cloths into a backpack even before my parents ended their conversation. My mom’s hand landed on my shoulder and I stopped packing, turning around to face her. I had grown slightly taller than her, but when she pinned me down with her gaze, I shrunk back
to a small 10 year old kid again.

“Don’t you ever speak like that to me again, you hear?”
“Yes…. Sorry. But I’m going.”
“I know. I just want to make sure you know what you’re doing. She’s… She’s really messed up, Mingus.”
“I know… But maybe I could help. I want to help. Dad… He needs her.”
“Ok. I will book you on the first flight out.”
“Thanks, mom.”

Only 3 hours later I was on a flight down to Georgia and the time couldn’t pass fast enough. Andy was there to pick me up. He was quiet and reserved.

“Is she any better?”
“No.”
“When did this happen? Last night?”
“Yeah. Sean called after midnight, asking me to get there ASAP.”
“Sean’s here?”
“Yeah.”
“Is that why…? Did he…?”
“No. The doctor, the psychologist Lo was seeing in Boston, she’s here. She said this had nothing to do with what happened now. It goes back to her time in New York. Her body has had enough.”
“Is she going to make it?”
“Yeah, of course.”
“Dad said she might not live through this.”
“He said that?”
“Yeah.”
“I’m sorry, Mingus. I really don’t know… It’s a bit of a mess.”
“Yeah… They way it’s always been with her, right?”
“I guess…. I heard Helena wasn’t so keen on letting you go at first.”
“Not at all. I had to yell at her to get here.”
“He didn’t want to call you at first ether. Dr. Carter thinks you could help. She needs to be close to the once she loves.”
“Ok. Is dad ok?”
“No.”
“Yeah, I kinda figured he wouldn’t be. I just… I just wish this shit would stop sometime, you know? That they could just be able to be happy and… It never stops.”
“No, it never seems to stop, does it. It just one thing after the other. I really thought that it had stopped too, that she was alright. The shrink said it had to happen, that she was surprised it hadn’t happened earlier…. She loves you, you know that right?”
“Maybe… I just know I want her to be ok. She has to be ok.”
“Yeah…”

When we got to the house, I felt like I walked into a funeral. When I had been staying with them over the summer, it had been always been music playing, London cooking in the kitchen, dancing and singing. Or dad had always had some crazy art project going on in the living room. It was so quiet and still all over. I spotted Sean asleep on the couch.

“Your dad is in the bedroom. I’m going to go upstairs and talk to Dr. Carter.”

I thought I had prepared for what it would be like seeing her, but I almost turned around in the doorway when I stepped inside the room. She was lying completely motionless in the bed, on her side, facing the door. Her eyes were wide open and staring, it didn’t even look like she was blinking. Her breathing was so slow, too slow. Dad was asleep behind her, one arm tightly wrapped around her. It was an uneasy sleep though, his eyelids twitched. I didn’t know what to do. I had no idea what to do to help her, but Andy had said she needed to be close to the once she loved, so I simply climbed into bed next to her. I felt real uneasy looking at her when she didn’t look back. Her eyes were just blank, seeing nothing, but I figured she could probably hear me so I started talking to her. I told her about everything that was going on in school and what I had been up to for the last three weeks. I grabbed her stone cold hand. It was as limp as the rest of her body.

“Are you ok?”

Half an hour or so later, when I no longer had anything else to talk to her about, I felt the hand that was wrapped around her, on mine.

“I don’t know. Are you ok?”
“Not really. When did you get here?”
“Less than an hour ago. Andy picked me up.”
“Good.”
“So what are we going to do?”
“We?”
“Yeah. I’m here, I want to help. What can we do to help her?”
“Not much really according to the doctor. She said she needs time and being close to the once she loves basically. I guess talking to her too.”
“Ok…. How long could she be like this?”
“Everything form a day to a year… I don’t know. Her body just shut down.”
“Could she really die?”
“If it takes too long her organs will start shutting down.”
“So we talk to her and stay here…?”
“Yeah.”

And we did. The entire day we stayed in that bed and talked, not necessary to her, but we talked about trips we had made throughout the years, what I was going to do after high school, what he was planning and we talked about the season 6 finale that they were suppose to start shooting Monday. Dr. Carter had been checking on her a few times during the day and both Andy and Sean had joined us for a couple of hours. We had even been able to share a few laugh. Mostly thanks to Sean and his crazy stories.

“You gotta eat, Norm!”

Andy had tried all day to get him to leave the bed to eat something, but as darkness fell, he finally lost his temper.

“I’m fine…”
“No you ain’t! You haven’t eaten for 24 hours. You need to eat something. I’m not asking you, I’m telling you! Go and get something to eat, damnit!”
“I’ll go too, dad. Let’s get something to eat.”
“No…No, I ca…”
“I’m hungry, dad.”

Andy gave me a thankful nod when I rose from the bed and we both heard him sigh but actually got to his feet seconds later.

“You’re staying?”
“I’m staying.”

Andy replayed as both of us made to leave. He stayed in the doorway to make sure Andy took his abounded space next to her.

……………………………………

London wasn’t showing any sign of getting better after the 24 hour mark had past. The positive thing was that she didn’t get any worse ether. Dr. Carter had feared she would run a fewer, but that hadn’t happened. The drugs seemed to be helping too. I still thought her breathing was too slow but that was better than the other way around according to the doctor. Norman and Mingus stayed in bed with her the entire night and the day after as well. Once he had to leave to use the bathroom or getting something to eat, he made sure I took his place. My wife joined us on Sunday evening. She started crying when she stepped into the bedroom. I hadn’t been able to cry yet. I probably should but I felt too exhausted to cry. I agreed with what I had talked to Mingus about when I picked him up. I just wanted it to stop. It was too much. I just wished they would be allowed something normal for once, not all this shit. They had been through enough to last a lifetime and still it just kept hitting them over and over again. We had been told to try to move her from time to time, making sure she didn’t stay in the same position too long. Seeing she was completely limp, it wasn’t a problem. It just felt so wrong. I had pulled her into my lap, leaning to the bedpost , just cradling her to my chest. Gale sat down next to me, tears streaming down her face. I grabbed her hand and kissed it before reaching up to wipe away some of the tears.

“How’s the kids?”

She took a deep breath and moved into the bed, sitting down next to me.

“They asked for you.”
“What did you tell them?”
“I told them London was sick and that Norman needed you to be there.”
“Good.”
“Have you talked about what happens if she…? What if she stays like this?”
“I can’t… I can’t talk to him about that. Not yet.”
“You may have to.”
“I know.”

I looked down on the figure in my arms, brushed away some hair from her face before kissing her forehead.

“He can’t go back shooting tomorrow, he’s a not stable enough.”
“He may have to… I’ve been talking to them. They can’t wait… And maybe it’s a good thing. If Mingus hadn’t been here, I’m not sure he would’ve left the bed at all.”
“Do you think you could actually talk him into it? “
“No, but I’m hoping Mingus can.”
“He’s not going to walk out that door and leave her here alone.”
“I know that, but Mingus is here, he’s not going back to New York yet.”
“What about the hospital? Why isn’t she in the hospital?”
“She asked him not to. She doesn’t want to go the hospital.”
“She may not have much of a chose, Andy. If it could help…”
“He thinks it won’t matter and Dr. Carter actually agreed. If she get worse they’re taking her in, but for now she said it might actually help to be at home.”
“Ok. I can stay too, we can work something out.”
“Thank you.”

Norman walked into the bedroom after having been forced once again by his son to get something to eat. He sat down in the middle of the bed, by her feet.

“Did you eat?”
“Yes.”
“Good. There’s just no point in you starving as well, you know?”
“I know…. How the kids?”
“Fine. How are you holding up?”

My wife asked.

“Ok.”
“You don’t have to be so brave, Norman.”
“Yeah, I kinda do… Greg texted me. He had tried to talk to AMC. There’re not pushing back the schedule.”
“So what do you want to do?”
“I really don’t have a chose, do I? When she comes back and finds out I let them kill Daryl I would probably wish she had stayed like this…. Plus, Mingus promised he would stay.”
“I will be here too.”
“Thanks, Gale.”
“So we’re going tomorrow?”
“Yeah, I guess so…. I’m not sure I’ll actually be able to pull it off, but… I gotta try, right?”
“No, you really don’t. Family comes first, no matter what.”
“Yeah but… Could you imagine how pissed she would be at me if I didn’t do it?”
“She would kick your ass.”
“Yeah.”
“So we’re doing this for her?”
“Yeah.”
“Ok then. But if anything happens you’re not sticking around, you go home.”
“Of course.”
“I know Dr. Carter said that it’s a good thing she isn’t running a fewer, but, she’s so cold. She’s too cold.”
“I know.”
“Do you want to be alone for a while?”

He looked up at my wife when she asked and nodded quietly. I gently placed her in the bed again before both of us got up from the bed. My wife paused for a second to kiss the top of his head and hugging him lightly.

“Let us know if you need anything.”

She said and he nodded once again.
………………………………………

I sat in the middle of the bed, watching her. Andy had placed her on her back, wrapping her tightly under the covers. I wasn’t sure I was doing the right thing at all, but I knew she would never forgive me if I gave up on Daryl because of her. At the same time I was pissed as hell at AMC for forcing me to make the chose. I needed to be there for her. I had to help her in any way I could. Dr. Carter had suggested that I tried to use body heat to help her bring up her temperature so I decided to strip down to my underwear, before doing the same to her. It was harder that I thought it would be take her cloths of. It felt so wrong. My entire body shivered when I pulled her cold body to mien, wrapping both arms and legs around her to make sure she kept warm. I thought I probably imagine it, but as an hour had past, she felt a bit warmer. Her breathing sounded better and when Dr. Carter came to check on her around midnight she actually looked pleased when checking her pulse.

“Good… She’s heading in the right direction.”
“Really?”
“Yes.”
“Thank you.”
“Don’t thank me, Mr. Reedus. You’re the one that’s helping her get through this, not me… I heard you’re leaving for work tomorrow.”
“Yeah. Unless you could talk the network into pushing the schedule.”
“I think you’re doing the right thing. She’ll be alright with your son.”
“Do you really think so?”
“Yes. I will be here as well.”
“Ok, good. But you’ve to call if anything, anything at all, happens.”
“You’ve my word. I’ll leave you alone for the night, come find me if you need anything. And try to get some sleep.”
“Right... Where are you sleeping? I just… Mingus’s room…”
“Mr. Lincoln has already taken care of that. I’m in the extra room upstairs. Impressive sculptures and paintings you’re making, Mr. Reedus.”
“Thanks.”

I heard her close the door behind her, but my eyes were on her. I just wanted her to look back at me again. I had never been a religious man, never really seen then point in praying, but that night I did. I prayed for her life. For my life. Because if she didn’t make it out of this, there would be no point in living anymore. I knew it was unfair and selfish as hell, but my life had no meaning without her. So that was what I prayed for and talked to her about for hours that night. I even began to shout at her at one point. I just got so pissed at her for doing this to me. Again. I needed it to stop. I couldn’t take it anymore. It had to stop. I couldn’t live like this.

“I fucking wish I had never met you!”

The same second the words left my mouth I regretted them. I was pacing the room again, the fury making me too restless to stay still. I wanted to grab her and shake her, forcing her to wake up. But my hands stayed on her shoulders when I grabbed her. I couldn’t hate her. I should. After everything that had happened, after everything she had put me through, I should hate her. But I couldn’t. Instead I wrapped her into my lap and sat there crying until I passed out.

It was all a blur the next day. I was use to it, but this was worse. I didn’t even remember how I got to set or that I was in the make-up trailer. But suddenly I found myself dressed and covered in blood and dirt for another day’s work. I think Andy had talked to our fellow costars cause most of them kept their distance after assuring me with hugs and pats on the back that she would be alright. Greg was directing the last episode for season six and he gathered us all together in one of the tents. The atmosphere was different. Everyone was quite and still.

“I guess you all know what’s going on with London…? And I know you shouldn’t have to be here but since they’re soulless assholes in the world, we’re here.”

I looked over at the director and close friend of mine and felt gratitude towards him, but I needed to explain myself.

“I’m here because of her. When she comes back and she would’ve found out I quite because of her…”
“She would kick your ass so fucking hard, man.”

I managed to grin a little at Steven.

“Yeah, she would kick my ass if Daryl dies so…”
“We’re doing this for Lo.”

Andy spoke next to me and I looked up and nodded to him.

“It’s still fucked up they’re forcing you to choose…. So we’re going to do this a bit different. We’re shooting your scenes today, all of them throughout the day and then use your body double and stunt double for the rest of the scenes. Ok?”
“What…? No, that’s not….”
“Norman, you need to be with London. It’s already decided and we’ve changed what needs to be changed in the schedule.”

I knew when not to argue with Greg and just agreed by nodding my head.

“Ok, good. The rest of you…”
“We’re staying.”

I couldn’t hear who spoke but everyone in the tent agreed with the statement and I had to bite back the tears that wanted to escape. But above all I was thankful for Andy. He was only steps behind the entire day. Even if he wasn’t in the scene we were doing, he was always there. Greg had to ask him to move out of the camera a few times and it even made me crack up a few times. I was surprised he didn’t feed me at lunch. Mingus had nothing to report when I called for an update every two hours or so, throughout the day. I was completely drained when Andy drove me home after more than 15 hours of shooting. Due to heavy rain we hadn’t been able to finish everything though and I still had to go back the day after, but I had made it through. I wasn’t sure how because I couldn’t remember a single line or scene when I tried to think back to the hours before. Usually we always talked about our day shooting but the entire ride home was quite, besides some low music on the radio.

“Thanks, Andy…. You know, not just…”
“I know. Do you mind if I come inside for a bit?”
“Shouldn’t you go home to the kids?”
“They’re asleep already anyway.”
“Ok. Of course you can come inside.”

He parked the car outside the house and we walked into the house together. The TV was on and I could hear the familiar tunes from the Phantom of the Opera. She had forced me through the movie at least 3 times and although I would complain every time, I secretly enjoyed it. Dr. Carter was at the kitchen table with a laptop and a headset on, talking. When I spotted them, my heart leaped into my throat. For one exhilarating second I thought she was back with us. She was curled up on the couch with her head in Mingus’s lap, her eyes on the TV. But as I took another step closer I saw that, that wasn’t the case. Her eyes were still staring and gone.

"Hey, dad."
"Hey...How are you?"
"Good. Are you ok?"

I took a seat in the couch and pulled her into my arms, kissing her hair. I got caught in the wires
that was attached to her arm but manage to wriggle out of it.

"Yeah. How is she?"
"No change. In either direction so I guess that's good. We've been watching TV for a few hours now."

Andy sat down on the armrest and stroke her head when Dr. Carter stood and walked over to us.

"Wow... You look like hell."

I actually laughed when I realized that both Andy and I was still wearing our work outfits and covered in fake blood and dirt. Andy seemed to realized the same thing as he looked down at his hands.

"Yeah... Damn, sorry about that."
"No need to apologies to me, Mr. Lincoln. She's pretty much the same as last night. Her pulse is getting stronger though and her temperature is back to normal. It really helped, whatever you did last night."

She turned and looked at me. I gave her a quick glance before returning to watch her, gently caressing her face with dirty fingers.

"Good...Did you carry her out here yourself?"
"She weigh like 100 pounds, dad. It wasn't a big deal."
"Ok. Have you eaten?"
"Have you?"
"Yeah."
"Yes, I've been eating. Breakfast, lunch and dinner. Mrs. Lincoln made some awesome meatballs.
There's some in the fridge."

He had already got up and walked towards the fridge before I opened my mouth to protest. When Andy put a warning hand on my shoulder however I decided it wasn't worth the fight. Mingus was so helpful it almost made me cry again. 5 minutes later he served both Andy and me dinner on the couch. He shouldn't have to do this for me and I understood why Helena had protested when letting him go. Maybe I was asking too much. He was still just a kid. I was used to London being able to read my mind, but not my son. I had only opened my mouth to speak his name before he hissed angrily.

"I'm staying, dad!"

He glared at me for a second before turning back to the TV and crossed his arms over his chest.

"Ok..."
There were no point in even trying to change his mind. He was as stubborn as his mother.
"And I've already talked to mom."
"What did she say?"
"That she wanted to talk to you."
"Ok. I'll call her."
"I'm not going back to New York until she's better!"
"I hear ya, chill. I'm not forcing you to go back. I'm glad you're here."

We ate in silence while the doctor examined Lo and administrated more drugs in her system.

"Did she tell you about the morphine?"
"Hmm... Is it really possible to just quit like that?"
"Wait... What about the morphine?"

Andy asked, his fork half way to his mouth.

"She has been addicted to morphine. She doesn't know for how long but I'm guessing for at least 6 months. And no. It shouldn't be possible to just quit like she did. The reason I brought it up is because there's a risk she might have to keep on using this even after she comes around. I'm trying to keep it to a minimum but at the same time she needs the drugs to protect her mind."
"Did she start using herself or did he...? Sorry, stupid question really. He did, didn't he?"
"Yeah."
"Why?"

I tensed when Mingus turned to look at her then at me.

"I'm not telling you that."
"Why not?"
"Cause you don't need to know."
"Was it after she got pregnant?"
"How do you know about that?"
"She told me. After all those time we went swimming this summer and I saw the scar, I finally asked her and she told me when we were home alone one night. I know more then you probably think I do."
"I'm not sure I like that..."
"I know. That's why she asked me not to tell you.... She's going to pull through this, dad."
"I know."

Andy left shortly after midnight, after spending some time with London. He had moved her back to the bedroom and I knew he would be talking about our day on set with her. She had always been so existed to discuss our day with him. I waved him and Sean goodbye at the front door after finally being able to take a shower. Sean had actually stuck around but was staying at a hotel close by instead. I wouldn't have blamed him if he wanted to leave but he had assured me he wanted to stay and help in any way he cold.

"Dad, I'm going to bed."
"Ok....Come here."

He stopped on the first step and turned back when I called for him. I hugged him tightly, probably too tight and too long for his liking but for once he just let me hold him.

"I love you."
"Love you too, dad."

I grabbed the iPad on my way to the bedroom and searched for the latest TWD episode. It had aired the day before but it hadn't really been the first thing on my mind but I knew she would've been glued to the TV screen. I watched "Always Accountable" with her that night, talking to her throughout the entire thing about shooting it and what had been going on, on set that week. I fell asleep, half sitting up in bed with her between my legs, her head to my chest, with "Thinking out loud" on repeat.

Her eyes were closed when I woke up at the crack of dawn. I had never felt such panic before. I scramble out of bed, falling down on the floor, my breathing caught somewhere deep inside. I started to get dizzy from lack of air but I couldn't breathe anymore. It was like my brain didn't know how anymore. She was dead and my brain shut down.

"Hi..."

She peaked out from the side of the bed down at me.

"Baby?"

I stared. Not trusting what I was seeing at all. Another figure was suddenly beside her but I wasn't able to focus enough.

"Go check on your dad, I'm fine."

The conversation between the two felt like it was coming from somewhere very far away.

"Dad?"

The blond boy was kneeling in front of me but I couldn't get him into focus. It was terrifying not to be able to control my own body. A sharp pain hit my cheek and I blinked I few times and I found Mingus staring at me, waving a hand in front of my eyes.

"Dad!"

I opened my mouth and gaped for air. The spinning stopped but I was still shaking from head to toe. Mingus left the room but returned only a minute later with Dr. Carter. I could hear her yelling at the doctor but I wasn't sure why. I saw her pulling at the iv attached to her arm but my mind wasn't able to process what was going on. Was she really there? Alive?