Status: Just writting to myself mostly, but please leave a comment if you like.
Nothing Really Matters
Chapter four - hugger
I actually wanted to tell him everything. For the first time since my life fell apart, I actually wanted to tell someone about what had happened to me.
“Someday maybe.”
“So I can’t touch you? At all?”
“Not right now. I don’t know you.”
“You’re gonna kill me.”
He let out a frustrated laugh as he ran both hands through his still wet hair, making my heart actually skip a beat. How could I let someone effective me like this? He was just sitting there on the floor in front of me and I all I wanted to do was to make sure I never had to leave. At the same time a very familiar and extremely not forgetful part of my brain, shouted at me to get the hell out of there at once.
“It really sucks”
“What does?”
“Well, you see, I’m a real hugger and I give the best hugs ever, so it really sucks for you I mean, that I can’t hug you.”
“Yeah…. I’m sure I will get there someday, but for now, keep a safe distance.”
“You ain’t making life easy for me, Lo.”
“So you’re giving me a nickname already?”
“Not if you don’t like it.”
“I’m not sure yet.”
Silence fell between us, we just sat there studying each other closer. I could see every little freckle on his tanned face. His blue eyes had traces of grey in them and it looked like he had actually, to use his words, been climbing the walls the past week. The bags under his eyes were showing a little too much to convince me he had a good night sleep last night. But then I knew he hadn’t slept. He had been tossing and turning in bed a good few hours before giving up at 2 in the morning and left to watch TV in the living room. I’m not sure what made me climb the ridiculously high building’s fire escape ladder. I really had tried to ignore him, keep him out of my head. But every time I turned the phone back on there was a bunch of new messengers and even more missed called from him. No matter what I did and how hard I tried to keep my mind of off him, he was always there somehow. Nothing really mattered anymore and I found myself outside his home one morning without really knowing how I got there or that I was actually heading there.
“Would you like to see the rest of the place?”
I blushed a little as he asked and I could see at once that he figured out why.
“You ever in there, weren’t you?”
“Yep. Yesterday, when you went out for lunch or something I guess.”
“I was looking for you.”
“Oh… Where?”
“I went back to the office you were at, thought you might be around there somewhere.”
“Well, Central Park is my favorite, but I actually took your advice. I’ve been staying at a hostel for the past week. Real nice to actually have a place to come back to every night.”
“When’s the last time you had a home?”
“Depends what you mean by home.”
“Somewhere you felt safe and comfortable.”
“Safe?”
I actually laughed a little when I thought about what to answer him.
“Do you honestly want to know the truth to that question?”
“Of course.”
“Well, put it this way, I left home when I was 14 and came here and I didn’t leave because of all the happy memories.”
“So never then?”
“No never, if you define home by being a place where you’re supposed to feel safe and comfortable.”
To my horror his eyes started to tear up as he looked at me. He seemed however to notice how I reacted to it and pulled himself together rather quickly.
“I really do want to hug you right now.”
“Try to restrain yourself, please.”
“Alright… I will go and clean up the kitchen then, gotta do something.”
“Ok. Can I use the bathroom?”
“Sure. How’s your finger? Do you need to put something on it?”
“No, it’s fine. Thanks…”
As he rose from the floor and turned his back to me I followed and rose. I hadn’t expected it at all when he suddenly stopped and span back around to look at me.
“Oh, screw it.”
He said before he took two quick steps forwards and threw his arms around me. I just stood there, frozen to the ground, not moving a muscle. My whole body tensed but for some reason I didn’t try to get away from him. He smelled absolutely amazing and I had to use very ounce of self-control not to take a deep breath.
“I’m glad you’re here…. And I’m sorry for hugging you, but I just had to.”
As he realized me I found myself standing in the exact possession he had caught me in. I could see him raise a hand towards my face and finally found myself backing away quickly. There had to be some limit to what my mind could handle for one day. I was already on my way into panic mode.
“A little too soon… Sorry. “
He turned and left the room, leaving me standing pressed up against the window I had climbed in from. It would’ve been so easy to turn around and jump out on the landing outside and never coming back. It would’ve been what I had done a week before, but now, when I had felt his arms around me, I couldn’t. No one’s arms had felt so good around me before. No one had actually felt safer before. Yet, I had spent less than an hour with him. I wondered to myself where the hell this would end.
“Someday maybe.”
“So I can’t touch you? At all?”
“Not right now. I don’t know you.”
“You’re gonna kill me.”
He let out a frustrated laugh as he ran both hands through his still wet hair, making my heart actually skip a beat. How could I let someone effective me like this? He was just sitting there on the floor in front of me and I all I wanted to do was to make sure I never had to leave. At the same time a very familiar and extremely not forgetful part of my brain, shouted at me to get the hell out of there at once.
“It really sucks”
“What does?”
“Well, you see, I’m a real hugger and I give the best hugs ever, so it really sucks for you I mean, that I can’t hug you.”
“Yeah…. I’m sure I will get there someday, but for now, keep a safe distance.”
“You ain’t making life easy for me, Lo.”
“So you’re giving me a nickname already?”
“Not if you don’t like it.”
“I’m not sure yet.”
Silence fell between us, we just sat there studying each other closer. I could see every little freckle on his tanned face. His blue eyes had traces of grey in them and it looked like he had actually, to use his words, been climbing the walls the past week. The bags under his eyes were showing a little too much to convince me he had a good night sleep last night. But then I knew he hadn’t slept. He had been tossing and turning in bed a good few hours before giving up at 2 in the morning and left to watch TV in the living room. I’m not sure what made me climb the ridiculously high building’s fire escape ladder. I really had tried to ignore him, keep him out of my head. But every time I turned the phone back on there was a bunch of new messengers and even more missed called from him. No matter what I did and how hard I tried to keep my mind of off him, he was always there somehow. Nothing really mattered anymore and I found myself outside his home one morning without really knowing how I got there or that I was actually heading there.
“Would you like to see the rest of the place?”
I blushed a little as he asked and I could see at once that he figured out why.
“You ever in there, weren’t you?”
“Yep. Yesterday, when you went out for lunch or something I guess.”
“I was looking for you.”
“Oh… Where?”
“I went back to the office you were at, thought you might be around there somewhere.”
“Well, Central Park is my favorite, but I actually took your advice. I’ve been staying at a hostel for the past week. Real nice to actually have a place to come back to every night.”
“When’s the last time you had a home?”
“Depends what you mean by home.”
“Somewhere you felt safe and comfortable.”
“Safe?”
I actually laughed a little when I thought about what to answer him.
“Do you honestly want to know the truth to that question?”
“Of course.”
“Well, put it this way, I left home when I was 14 and came here and I didn’t leave because of all the happy memories.”
“So never then?”
“No never, if you define home by being a place where you’re supposed to feel safe and comfortable.”
To my horror his eyes started to tear up as he looked at me. He seemed however to notice how I reacted to it and pulled himself together rather quickly.
“I really do want to hug you right now.”
“Try to restrain yourself, please.”
“Alright… I will go and clean up the kitchen then, gotta do something.”
“Ok. Can I use the bathroom?”
“Sure. How’s your finger? Do you need to put something on it?”
“No, it’s fine. Thanks…”
As he rose from the floor and turned his back to me I followed and rose. I hadn’t expected it at all when he suddenly stopped and span back around to look at me.
“Oh, screw it.”
He said before he took two quick steps forwards and threw his arms around me. I just stood there, frozen to the ground, not moving a muscle. My whole body tensed but for some reason I didn’t try to get away from him. He smelled absolutely amazing and I had to use very ounce of self-control not to take a deep breath.
“I’m glad you’re here…. And I’m sorry for hugging you, but I just had to.”
As he realized me I found myself standing in the exact possession he had caught me in. I could see him raise a hand towards my face and finally found myself backing away quickly. There had to be some limit to what my mind could handle for one day. I was already on my way into panic mode.
“A little too soon… Sorry. “
He turned and left the room, leaving me standing pressed up against the window I had climbed in from. It would’ve been so easy to turn around and jump out on the landing outside and never coming back. It would’ve been what I had done a week before, but now, when I had felt his arms around me, I couldn’t. No one’s arms had felt so good around me before. No one had actually felt safer before. Yet, I had spent less than an hour with him. I wondered to myself where the hell this would end.