Nothing Really Matters

She really was going to be the death of me if this didn’t work out. Still, I had no idea how I was going to make her trust her. I wanted her, bad, real bad. This was I guess what being stuck my lightning most feel like, or getting run over by a train. It was overwhelming and confusing, but at the same time the best feeling I had had in a long time when it came to my somewhat complicated relationships to women. I knew I just had to make her stay for a day or two and I would probably be able to convince her we could make this work somehow. The hug probably hadn’t been the best idea, but she was at least still in the apartment, at the moment I could hear the shower running. I had just finished cleaning up the kitchen when I heard her behind me. She could really sneak up on you, because when I turned around she was standing only feet from me.

“Hey!”

I hoped she could hear the joy in my voice when I spoke, and above all, I hope she actually cared that I wanted to be around her. She didn’t answer, it kind of look like she tried her hardest to restrain her from something, even biting her lower lip.

“Why would you want me here? You don’t know me.”
“I want to get to know you. I want this to work out.”
“What exactly is that you want from me? I mean, what is that you want working out?”
“Isn’t that obvious…?”
“Yeah, well, I just… I find it very hard to believe. Why me?”
“Why are you here?”
“I don’t know.”
“Exactly.”
“So, what are we gonna do, luck ourselves up here and play 20 questions?”
“Sounds like a good plan to me.”
“How old are you?”
“So we’re starting already…? I’m 46. You?”
“Are you really sure you want me to answer that?”
She had walked back to the couch and sat down, cuddled up to one of the armrests. I followed and sat down in the other end of it, turned towards her.
“Yeah, I really do. I want to know if I’m committing any type of crime to start with.”
“Shut up! How old do you think I am?”
“When I first saw you I took a guess at around 25…”
“Wow, and you still wanted me here….? What kind of creep are you?”
"The best kind."

She shook her head a little but a small smile filled her face as she looked back at me.
I laughed and I could see her smile back, starting to loosen the tight grip around her own knees a little. I waited her out.

“I’m 28.”
“Alright… Where’re you born?”
“Boston. So that’s it? The fact that I’m actually 18 years younger than you doesn’t bother you?
“Nope. Why would it? You can’t put a number on love… What about you? Does 18 years gross you out or what?”
“Not at all. You look just fine to me…”
“Fine, huh?”
I grinned at her a little, knowing that she wanted to say something else then just fine, but probably felt she couldn’t quite become that personal yet.
“Oh fuck off…!”

She threw a pillow at me, which I caught laughing at her. She smiled back, almost letting a laugh escape her lips. She was really pail, almost sick looking. But then she was also too thin. Her wrist looked like they would break if she put too much pressure on them. She was wearing an oversized t-shirt that I suddenly realized was mine.

“Are you stealing from me again?”
“I didn’t have any clean cloths left… Do you want it back?”
“What’s mine, is yours, whatever you want.”
"What's life like as Daryl Dixon?"

"So you know about that?"

"Yeah, well I must admit I didn't know that it was you when I first saw you but then I Goggled your name and... well, I read up on you."

"So is that why you're here?"

I would've been stupid not ask that question, but at the same time I'm not sure I would've cared if my fame and money was all she wanted. I would still want her.

"No."

She said without hesitation and I knew I didn't have to ask again because I believed her.

"It’s pretty awesome actually. I'm having a great time filming and working on the show. We're starting shooting again in a week and a half."

"Where?"

"Georgia. Atlanta mostly."

"Oh..."

It was hard to see it but it looked a little like her face fell slightly.

"I want you to come with me."

"Slow down, Cowboy. I still haven't decided if you creep me out or not."

"Fare enough. How long have you been living out there?"

"Three years... The short version is that I lived with a guy who suddenly died and I couldn't afford staying and I have no family so I really didn't have much of a chose."

"No one at all?"

"No one I would like to go back to freely."

"He must be pretty bad if you rather spend your life on the street."

"What makes you say it's a man?"

"Isn't it always? The abusive father... I mean I find it hard to believe you left home at 15 without reason and then rather be homeless then ask your family for help... will I be able to help you? I mean, do you want my help?"

"With what?"

"Getting back on track again... you jumped a foot in the air when the door bell rang, for fucks sake. You’re on constant flight mode, even now. Is this the way you want to live your life? There's so much more and you're missing out on a lot."
“Like what?”
“Well, me for instance. You’re missing out a whole lot of this.”
I threw out both hands before me, grinning at her. She rolled her eyes at me.
“So you’re saying there’s another way of life? A better way?”
“This gotta be better then what you….”

She suddenly cut me of angrily and sat up straight in the sofa, glaring at me.

“Don’t make the mistaken in thinking you know what’s my life has been like! You don’t know shit, you don’t know that maybe this, living on the streets like this, is what I actually wanted! Maybe this is a whole lot better then what I left behind and maybe, just maybe I actually stayed out there for a reason! Don’t think you’re the first one! I’ve had my chances before, there’ve been offers that would get me of the streets! You still don’t know shit about anything, so just because I’m sitting here right now, don’t fucking think you know me!”

I starred at her in confusion. What the hell just happened? It was fascinating and scary at the same time how she could be going from having a rather normal conversation, to snap like that. I could see her tremble, but I couldn’t really figure out if it was out of fear or anger. I wanted so bad to hug her
again and tried as discreetly as possible to move closer to her.

“You really don’t make it easy you know, Lo…. Look, I know this is fucking insane, ok? I’m still trying to figure out what the hell is going on.”
“What is that you know then?”
“I know that I was happy to find you outside my window, terrified that you would fall down, but happy to see you. I know that I’ve been going crazy when you stopped answering my texts. And I know that I want to make you stay, whatever it takes. But I don’t know how the hell I’m going to do that when you won’t let me.”
“Alright then…”
“Your turn.”
“What…? Oh, well I only know that I… Fuck it…”
She sighed deeply and rose from the couch, still not taking her eyes of off me. I rose with her, not letting her get away that easily. I figured I really didn’t have anything to lose.
“What do you want?”
“I,I…I…”

Her voice trembled slightly as I walked closer to her. To my surprise she didn’t back away this time. Suddenly words just seemed to bubble out without her being able to stop them.

“I know that I turned on my phone every night to read all your text and listen to all the messages you left. I know that I waited outside this place to watch you leave. I know that I followed you around town, when you were looking for me and I know that it made me confused and… happy. I know that I like watching you sleep, it makes me calm, which is something I never am and I know that I do want to stay here, I just have no fucking idea how…”