Nothing Really Matters

Night had fallen in the apartment but we were still on the couch. We weren't talking anymore, both of us in too deep thoughts to want to question one other further. He had touched me again and I had let him. Not without effort but when my cut palm had started to bleed again after bumping it to the table, he had walked up to me and reached out a hand to me. At first I had recoiled, it just came so much easier for me then accepting his help. He had sighed but kept his hand out stretched, waiting for me. I noticed to my surprise that I appreciated his effort and found my bleeding hand resting in the palm of his seconds later. His hands had been gentle and careful as he examined the cut. He had wiped of the blood with his own hand before heading for a first aid kit. It almost scared the hell out of me when I realized I miss his hand on my skin. I wanted those fingers back on my hand, I wanted to hear him say that things would be alright and above all I wanted to believe him. He had patched up the cut and then let my hand rest in his, I guess waiting for me to remove it. When I didn't, he raised an eyebrow questioning before he traced a long finger over my bandage palm, examining my fingers one by one before he flipped my hand over and began the same thing over again. He wanted to lift up the sleeve of his shirt and continue tracing his hands up my arm but I had stopped him. When I snatched my arm back from him I could see his confusion and frustration but he choose not to comment. Instead we had ended up back in the sofa. The only time ether of us had left were to use the bathroom or when he ordered thai takeout for us to eat.

"Where do want to sleep?"
He spoke again right before midnight and I tore my eyes away from the TV. I didn't even know what we were watching.
"I'll be fine right here."
"What if I want you closer?"
"Maybe some day..."
"That's your answer to everything, some day?"
"Yes... We will see."
"What's stopping you?"
"Right now, my fear of you not being who I hope you are."
I could see my answer surprised him. Nor really hurting him but I don't think he had expected me to answer him at all.
"Do you want a pillow and a blanket?"
"Yes please."
He returned only moments later, placed a pillow and blanket beside me on the couch. He hesitated for a second before briefly stroking my cheek with the back of his hand. I wasn't expected it, which was probably why I didn't tried to get away from him.
"If you change your mind you know where I am."

I sat there starring at him, still trying to understand what had just happened and why I wanted him to do it again. I simply nodded and he rose to walk back to the bedroom. I followed him, even when I had to turn around completely so not to lose him out of my sight. He never closed the door so I was able to watch as he stripped down to only boxers.
"If you're gonna stare like that all night I'm not gonna be able to sleep!"
He said and I could tell he tried, but failed, to sound annoyed. He could probably not see it but I rolled my eyes at him but decided to try to catch up on some much needed sleep. It was a very comfortable couch and since I had sleep outside his windows the past 2 nights, this was heaven.

Next thing I knew I woke up to a sharp sunlight. I couldn't even remember the last time I sleep throughout the night without waking up. Next thing I noticed was him sitting beside me on the floor, his head resting to the edge of the couch, fast asleep. My heart rate spiked when I found his hand resting over mine. But it wasn't out of fear this time. I couldn't quite say that I felt comfortable about it but the first thought of fleeing, past rather quickly. Instead I turned to watch him closer since his face was turned towards me. He looked very relaxed and his deep breathing made me sleepy again. A string of black hair was stuck in his closed eyes. Gently I removed it, making his stir a little. I found myself relaxing further as I kept watching every inch of his face. He squeezed my hand, still sleeping, now and then as if to make sure I was still there. It was so much easier to been this close to him while he was sleeping. He was almost as vulnerable as me when he was sitting there, all guards where down and he was just sleeping peacefully. I hesitated for a fraction of a second before I put my fingertips to his face. I traced on finger down from the corner of his eye, to his cheekbone and stopped at his lower lip. It trembled slightly and I realized he was probably awake.

“Don’t open your eyes.”
“Why?”
“Because it’s easier being closer to you if you don’t watch me…. I want to be here, but I just don’t know if I… I got trust issues.”
“That’s putting it lightly, babe.”
“Yeah, well I guess that’s true. I’m trying here, I want to trust you, you seem like a good guy, I’m just not use to… good guys.”
My hand was still on his face and I was tracing his lower lip with on finger when he opened his eyes and looked at me.
“How I wish you could read my mind right now, there wouldn’t be a doubt in your mind that you could trust me.”
“How long have you been sitting out here?”
“I’m not sure.”
He leaned into my hand and kissed the palm of it gently before he sat up on the edge of the couch, still holding it.
“Wow, that was easier then I thought it would be.”
“Yeah, me too.”

Without really thinking about it, I started to play with his fingers. Today was easier being around him. I wanted be around him. That was something very new to me and something I hadn’t felt in ages. Last time I ended up feeling something for anyone my whole life had gone to hell.

“Sleep ok?”
“Better then ever. You have a very comfy couch.”
“I’ve an even better bed.”
“I will take your word for it right now… I’m not quite there yet. Why are you out here? Couldn’t sleep in your comfy bed? “
“Not alone when I knew you were out here.”
“How long have you been alone?”
“If we’re talking serious relationships there’s been a few years. There’ve been a few women on a shorter term. I guess there’s no point in asking you the same question?”
“There’s no short answer to that question.”
“I’ve got time.”

He looked at me with the most intense look I had ever seen and his statement were so censer I started talking without hesitation.

“I came here when I was 16, starting to work on a restaurant in china town. You know, I was getting by just fine, had my own little place, friends a job… I was 18 when I met him through mutual friends. It started off just like any other relationship I guess, we went on dates, I met his parents and all that. Thing started to go downhill when I moved in with him. It was just the little things at first. He didn’t want me to work anymore, said he rather pay for me, I could stay at home, minding the home. He had isolated me from everyone and everything within four months.”
“Was he psychical?”
I couldn’t help but laugh at his question. He must have thought I was crazy. I traced my finger up his wrist, following it with my gaze.
“I will show you some day… But yeah, he was psychical, to say the least.”
“How long?”
“4 years, 5 months and 2 days.”

He starred at me and I could almost see his eyes pop out of his head in shock. He let out an uneasy snort and for the first time turned his eyes away from me. To my horror I realized it was to hide the tears in his eyes. He ran his free hand over his face, I guess trying to pull himself together again.

“What happened?”
“The cops came knocking one day, told me he had been run over by a damn bus or something and wanted to inform his wife.”
“You were married?”
“Yeah… I got convicted shortly after he died and ended up out there.”
“I’m sorry.”
He turned back to me, his eyes still filled with tears.
“I’m sorry for what happened to you… I’m so sorry someone did that to you.”

I could see how much he wanted to hug me again. His whole body was leaning towards me and his whole posture just screamed at me to let him hug me. I leaned towards him and wiped away a few of the tears that had escaped his beautiful eyes. He grabbed my hand again and kissed the palm of it before closing his strong arms around me. Even if I would’ve liked to hug him back, my arms where pinned to my body. He seemed to notice this a few moments later and realized his grip slightly. I gasped in a mixture of fear and shock when he suddenly lifted me to his lap and cradled me in his arm. It felt like my brain shouted down and I started to panic. The inner war between what my brain wanted and what my body wanted was making me loss my self-control faster then I usually did. I found, without really realizing it, that my brain suddenly won the inner war and I fought my way free from his embrace. I fled towards the front door but just as I put my hand on the doorknob, my brain suddenly caught up with my body and I came to a sudden stop. I had never tried to stop this before. I always fled, it was what I had always done and what had kept me alive. My breathing was shallow and came hard and fast as the panic rushed through me as I could hear him move behind me.

“Don’t!”

At the corner of my eye, I could see him reach out a hand towards me. I rested my forehead to the back of the door while trying to get the panic out of my system. He waited me out. I wanted to glare at him when I turned back to look at him, I wanted to make sure he never do that again. But the glare turned into confusion when I found him starring back at me with furious eyes.

“Don’t you fucking leave!”
“Then stop giving me a fucking reason to leave!”
“I’m not going to apologize for hugging you again”
“Why not?”
“Because you needed a hug.”
“Does this look like I need a fucking hug?!”
I yelled at him, not really sure why we suddenly argued. His naked chest, heaved out of anger as we starred at each other. Why was he so angry? What had he to be angry about? He should be glad I was still standing there!
“I need you.”

His voice change suddenly and I watched as he tried to catch his breath and calm down. We kept starring at each other as both of us tried to compose ourselves. I found myself breathing with him after a while and it was easier to get my heart rate back to normal, listening to his.
“I get that, I think… I just can’t give that to you right now. You gotta let it take some time. I think I want you too, I’m not just sure I can… Not yet. How many times do I have to tell you?”
“I can’t seem to control it, I want you too much. I’m trying to be patience but you just made me forget all about that when you touched me.”
“It won’t happen again…”

His face fell when I spoke and I realized too late what I had just said. Why did it bother me in the first place if I hurt his feelings? Why did I care so damn much about what he felt? I had promised myself that the only one I should care about was myself. I shouldn’t care that he needed me. But I did.

“Why are you still here then?”

His voice had grown cold and he actually turned and walked away from me. I knew I had a chose then. I had a chose to walk out the door and leave. I hadn’t had a chose before, my choices had been taken away from me, but now he was given me the option to leave and I found that I didn’t want to. I needed him just as much he needed me. I jumped when the bedroom door slammed shut.