Nothing Really Matters

I had never really had to fight for a woman I wanted. I had never had to prove to anyone what type of person I was. They had always looked past the somewhat rough surface and trusted the gentle and carrying person I knew I was. But she didn’t have the same ability to see that. Although I didn’t blame her after what she had been through, it made me want to scream out in frustration. To ease some of it, I did actually slam the bedroom door behind me but when that didn’t help I kicked the lounger next to the bed. What the hell was I going to do to keep her in my life? What if she actually left? I hadn’t heard the front door yet, but then I realized her backpack was still underneath the window and I knew she wouldn’t leave it behind. I’m not usually the one to go through other people’s stuff, but I needed to occupy myself with something before I lost my mind completely. Minutes later her entire life was spread over my bed. A couple of dirty shirts and pants, underwear and socks, a pair of worn sneakers, a wallet with most of my money still in it, a faded picture of a young solder with familiar eyes, a couple of paperback books and one that said diary. I didn’t even touch that one, even though I wanted to know what really was on her mind, I could never do that to her. I gathered all the cloths and headed to the bathroom to start a wash. Well, that didn’t take my mind of things quite as much as I had hoped and I had returned to sit on the edge of the lounger only minutes later. I lost track of how long I had been sitting there when she suddenly stood in front of me. I could see her feet at last, since I couldn’t find it in me to lift my head to look at her at the moment. I just didn’t want to look at her, knowing that I might be the last time.

“I made breakfast, you want some?”
I could hear her speak but didn’t really reflect on the question or why she would be making breakfast in my kitchen if she was planning on leaving. She was suddenly kneeling before me and came so close I automatically leaned back a little. She searched my face when I finally looked back at her.
“Are you alright?”
“No, no I’m not alright. Not if you leave.”
“What if I stayed then…? Look, could you just not move for a second?
“What? Why?”
“Just shut the fuck up and don’t move!”
Both her hands were in my face then. It was my time to panic, but for a whole other reason. She had wanted to escape, all I wanted to do was grab her and throw her down on the bed and rip her cloths of. I used all self control I possessed at that moment to do as she had asked, when her lips were suddenly on mine, gently and quick she kissed me and I hadn’t even had the time to thinking about kissing her back when she pulled away, which was probably for the best because I wouldn’t be able to stop once I started.
“I’m not leaving.”
She said and I realized then that her hands were still on my face, forcing me to look at her.
“Ok…”
If I had listened for it, I’m sure I could’ve heard the weight of the world, fall of my shoulders.
“Come on.”

She rose and held out a hand to me. Surprised and somewhat confused I grabbed it and followed her out to the kitchen. She had indeed made breakfast, pancakes even. She walked behind the counter after showing me into one of the chairs. We ate in silence. I wasn’t sure what to say to her quite yet. The past day and a half had been the worst kind of emotional roller coaster I had ever experienced.

“I need to head out for a while”
“Alright… Why?”
“I need to clear my head. I’m gonna take a run through Central Park and hit the gym.”
“Are you confused?”
“You could say that. “
“Good, that makes us two. Why the gym?”
“It helps to get my head straight. Did you think this body stays like this without work?”
I grinned at her as she eyed me a little shyly.
“Do you never wear shirts?”
“Do you want me to?”
“No”
“I will be back in like 2 hours. Thanks for breakfast…. Your cloths are in the washer by the way. And before you ask, no I didn’t go through your stuff, I just took your cloths to wash them.”
“Thanks.”
“Can I kiss you goodbye?”
“Nope… Besides, I thought you needed to clear your head.”
“I guess that’s true… Will you still be here when I get back?”
“Yeah.”

It was a cloudy New York day and by the time I ran across one of the bridges in the park it started to rain. I didn’t mind, it just made me push myself even harder. After almost 6 miles I collapsed on the grass after throwing up, more tired both physical and mentally then I had been in years. The rain was coming down hard as I laid there painting for air, but my head was finally cleared. I knew what I had to do and I knew what I wanted more than anything.

“Are you alright, sir?”
A police officer was suddenly hovering above me. I tried to catch my breath enough to answer him but when I couldn’t I just nodded.
“Will you be alright getting home?”
“Yeah… I… Just… Just give me a…sec.”
“You should move before more photographers show up.”

He nodded his head towards one of the trees and I raised my head just enough to see a camera sticking out from behind it. I cursed to myself before sitting up. Today I really wasn’t a mood for photographers. I needed to focus on one thing right now and that did not include nosy paparazzi. I would never have thought I had it in me, but I managed to run all the way back home, not by far as fast as before, but enough to shake of the paparazzi. There was however no way in hell I would be able to get through a workout in the gym after that. In the elevator back up I collapsed against the
wall. I picked up my phone and dialed the first number on it.

“What?”
“Get your ass out to the elevator, please.”
“Why?”
“I can’t move. I need your help.”
“Are you serious?”
“Will you just get out here, Lo.”
“Fine.”
Only seconds later I could hear her open the door and walk the few steps between the front door and the elevator doors. She poked her head inside and I could see her eyes widen in shook as she spotted me.
“Oh my god. What the hell happened to you?”
“What do you mean? I went for a run.”
“Where? The bottom of Hudson River?!”
“Just help me up will ya?”
When I held out my hand to me I noticed how dirty I was. Mud was making its way all up my shoulder and I figured I most look the same pretty much all over. I had gotten so use to the dirt during the last years filming Walking Dead, it really didn’t bothered me anymore.
“You’re really pushing my boundaries here, Mr. Reedus.”
“I know, that’s my plan.”
I pushed myself up to a standing position with help out of her out stretched hand.
“You’re insane”
“Yeah, I know, I’ve been told. “
I threw one around her to support myself and she put on around my waist, guiding me back inside.
“You’re heavy!”
“Hey, this is just muscles.”
“Do you always look like this after a run?”
“No but its raining and…”
“Did you throw up or something? Because you smell.”
“Yeah, I pushed myself a little too hard…. Hey, you stayed.”
She had walked me into the bathroom and I collapsed against the shower wall, still a little out of breath.
“Of course… If you thought I would help you get in the shower, you’re so very wrong.”
“I had hoped…”
I had closed my eyes, trying to stop my head from spinning, but I could tell she was smiling at me as she left the bathroom. I sat there a good 10 minutes, just trying to process the hour that had just past. She was still there. Right outside the door it sounded like.
“Are you still sure you don’t want to help me out?”
I called out to her as I finally found myself on my feet again and started to strip down my dirty cloths.
“Fuck off!”
“I could really need some help.”
“Not gonna happen, Norman.”
It was the first time she had actually said my name and it put a smile on my face for some stupid reason. I felt like a teenager again, a teenager in love, young and stupid and ready to make as many mistakes as possible. It took me a good hour to clean up. I was aching all over, washing my hair was a pain when I had to life my arms. It felt like I had done 5 Iron-Man races in a row, I was completely drained but it was in a good way. My mind was clear for the first time since we first met and I had but one goal; to make her mine, nothing else mattered. She was on the couch watching Ellen when I finally had managed to put some new clothes on.
“Wow, you own a shirt.”
She sat cross-legged, eating a bag of M&Ms.
“Yes I do.”
I crashed beside her, probably a bit too close for her liking but I really needed to be close to her at that moment. Just to make quite sure she was still there.
“So why did you decide to almost kill yourself running?”
“I just ran and… Yeah, it got a little out of hand when I tried to clear my head, a little too much maybe but I’m fine.”
“Don’t really look like it. Will you be able to walk at all?”
“Give me a few hours and I will be as good as new.”
“So it worked?”
“It always does.”
I reached out a hand towards her thigh but she moved just in time for me to touch her, but it was hard to tell if it was deliberate or not. I left my hand resting palm up right next to her and I saw her look at it and then back up at me before she took it and lifted our connected hands up to eyelevel.
“I’m gonna stay if that’s what you want.”
“More than anything…But?“
“But you need to understand that it won’t be easy for me or you. This won’t be like a walk in the park.”
“I know that.”
“No you don’t… I’m saying there will be time you wished we had never met and I will leave you and it will kill both of us but… I’m just saying this won’t be like any other relationship you have had before and you will hurt me and I will hurt you.”
“I know that. I know all that, London but we still gotta try, right? I know I want to try, I need to try.”
“Yeah, we gotta try.”
I guess just to prove to me that she was actually going to try, she pressed her lips to the tips of my fingers one by one, finished with kissing the palm of my hand.
“You’re wrong about one thing though.”
“Oh?”
“Yeah, I’m not going to hurt you.”
“Yeah you will…But I’m glad you think that you won’t.”

The second day together past too quickly. Times seemed to fly by and I just wanted to stop for a while and saver our moments like this. She was letting her gourd down more for every passing hour and I could telling it was getting harder for her as well, to be apart, not touching. I had decided to let her make the next move though. It was stupid as hell, because I was craving her presents, but I had to prove to her that this was going to be on her terms. She sat the pace. I was making us dinner while she was sitting by the counter, using my iPad.
“Do you smoke?”
She suddenly asked and lifted her head from the screen.
“Not much, but yeah…”
“Could you stop?”
“Why?”
To my surprise she stood and walked over to me, pulling both of her sleeves up further up her skinny arms. As she came to stand beside me I could see the circular burns on her arms. At least a dozen of them and it made me sick to my stomach. How could someone do this another human being was beyond my understanding. She had been tortured for fuck’s sake and wounded in horror what else she had had to endure. I wasn’t even sure I wanted to know or if I would be able to handle the whole truth, if she decided to tell me. As if she could read my mind she spoke.
“I’m not gonna let you in on all the details, but I would appreciate if you stopped smoking… And get rid of lighters as well.”
“Lighters…? Why….?”
I trailed off, knowing I probably didn’t want to hear the answer to that.
“He used to burn the soils of my feet with lighters.”
I starred at her, not able to speak. I tried, I wanted to say something but when I opened my mouth to speak, nothing came out. I felt myself tremble and gripping the counter so hard my knuckles must have turned white.
“Breath, Norman.”
She said, a small smile on her face. I hadn’t even realized I was holding my breath. She put her hand on mine and squeezed it lightly.
“Hey… Look at me.”
She forced my face around to look at her. I could feel the first tear spill over as I came face to face with her. I felt such a strong need to protect her, making sure no one ever put a hand on her again.
“Why are you crying?”
She whipped the tears away from my eye with the tips of her finger.
“Why? Why the hell do you think…? “
“Do you need to hug me?”
“Can I, please?”
“Give it your best shot.”

She smiled a little at me and I didn’t need another invitation then that, before I threw my arms around her and pressed her tightly to me. I hoped she felt safe and I hoped I could somehow transport my need to protect her, through the hug. To my astonishment I could hear her take a deep breath and lean her head to my chest as she carefully placed both arms around my waist. I wanted to stop time right there. Although I was crying softly into her hair, it was still a perfect moment I wanted to remember for the rest of my life. I figured I had nothing to lose and pressed my lips to her hair. She smelled of my shampoo and I draw in a deep breath.

“I need you to know one thing.”
“What’s that?”
“No one is ever going to hurt you like that, ever again. I will make sure of that. I’ll keep you safe for as long as you want me to.”
“I might just take you up on that offer, Mr. Reedus.”
“Good…. Is there anything else you need me to get rid of besides cigarettes and lighters?”
"I will let you know if there are."