Nothing Really Matters

//She had screamed in the beginning. Now she had learned there was no point in screaming. There was no one that could hear her and even if there were, no one would help her. The flame of the lighter burned her already blistered feet. He was painting somewhere behind her but she couldn’t turn her head. Wasn’t even sure she wanted to see him. It was easier to just close her eyes and let him do his business. The thick rope came crashing down over her naked back more times than usually that night and it made her pass out.//

I hadn’t had nightmares for a while now but the second night at his place I woke up with a racing heart and cold sweet all over my body. I had moved from the couch to the lounger in his bedroom, not really ready to share a bed with him yet, but he had at least talked me into staying in the same room as himself. I sat up and tried to calm my racing heart. When I heard him breathing slow close by it slowed down faster than I ever thought would be possible. I breathe with him and slowly my eyes got use to the darkness in the room. I noticed he was sleeping the wrong way, his head resting at the end of the bed. He was sleeping on his stomach, both hands underneath a pillow. I wanted to be close to him. What had he done to me? I had spent so long building up my walls high enough so that no one would be able to tear them down. But there he was, making my walls crumble around me and I wasn’t even sure I wanted it to stop. A sudden urge to climb into bed with him came over me and even though my inner demons were fighting like hell inside my head, I rose and moved my pillow and blanket to his huge king size bed. But although it was huge, his body seemed to fill the entire bed as I tried to find a comfy position for me at the other, normal, end of the bed. All the moving around woke him up and he looked at me in confusion as he finally located me.

“Sorry I woke you up.”
“Don’t worry about it… Are you alright?”
“Yeah, fine. Go back to sleep.”
“Can I…?”
He gestured towards the now empty space beside me. I nodded and watched as he crawled up next to me. As he lifted the covers I could see was as good as naked underneath it, but it just made me want to be closer to him. I wanted to smell him again, I wanted his muscular, strong arms around me, telling me he would always be there. And I wanted so bad to believe him. I had never been brave but now everything seemed possible. Slowly I moved closer to him and I could almost hear him holding his breath. It made me smile a little to myself, knowing I was affecting him just as much as he was affecting me.
“Don’t get any ideas.”
I said before I moved into his arms. He cradled me to his chest and I took a deep breath of his addictive scent. I listened to his heart beating, maybe a bit too fast, but it had a very calming effect on me anyway.
“Never.”

He kissed the top of my head before both of us drifted back to sleep. The rest of the night I dreamed of a dark haired man with blue eyes and gorgeous lips that explored every inch of my craving body. I woke up with a stare, almost painting, when I realized the dream had past into reality. His lips were on my forehead and he was just about to leave the bed, I guess not realizing I just woke up. The sun was shining outside the window.

“Hey…Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you up.”
He was standing beside the bed, facing me and I could literally hear the last of my walls crumble to the ground as I sprang up to my knees and attacked his lips with mine. At first he was probably too surprised to kiss me back, but when he realized I wasn’t pulling away he hungrily gave in. My fingers got tangled in his hair when I tried to pull him closer. His entire weight was suddenly over me, his lips traveled down to my neck but returned only seconds later. It hit me like lightning when he gently bit down on my lip and traced his tongue over it, that I didn’t want to live without him. It wasn’t just the fact that he was the best kisser ever, he hadn’t even tried to put his hands on me yet. They were still resting on either side of my head, letting me knew without words, that he never would touch me unless I asked him to. I wanted his hands on me, but the painful memories of what had happened when men had touched me before, made me freeze. Kissing him was a whole other matter, this was nothing like the past. They had never taken the time to just kiss me, hitting, raping, had been their thing. But he took his time, exploring every possible part of my tongue, lips and face. I had never been kissed like this before, so gentle and passionate at the same time. I knew he wanted more, his body couldn’t hide his need to get closer to me but at the same time I started thinking about maybe trying to end our heated make-out scene, he grabbed my face between his face and placed one final kiss on my forehead, before collapsing on top of me, breathing hard next to my ear. If I hadn’t been able to smell his by now familiar scent as he lay on top of me, I probably would have freaked out, but it was something about his steady breathing and pounding heart that made me relax and actually wanting him to stay where he was. He seemed to enjoy it, so I kept my hand in his hair.

“Wow…Fuck, that was…What the hell have you done to me?”
He laughed as he rolled of off me, still a little out of breath and I couldn’t help but chuckle back at him.
“I need to take a shower.”
“Really? What for?”
I sat up and looked at him when he walked off towards the bathroom. He looked at me over his shoulder and I gave him a huge grin. He knew I know.
“Oh, shut up!”
“Did I get you horny, Mr. Reedus? “
“You don’t look so unaffected yourself, missy… So, unless you want to join me I’m shutting the door now.”
“Some other time perhaps.”
“You’ve no idea what you’re missing out here.”
“I got a pretty good idea actually…”
“Shut up.”

When he was no longer in sight, I could finally get my heart rate back to normal. He was right, indeed. He had awoken things inside me I didn’t even know I was still able to feel. My entire midriff was in an uproar, in a good way. I never would have thought I would feel tinny little butterflies soaring around inside me again. I had fallen in love with him. I had fallen in love with Norman fucking Reedus! Shit! What the hell did I do now? Leaving wasn’t an option. Although it would be the easier way out for both of us, I couldn’t leave. I know it was selfish, because if I stayed, I knew he would be hurting sooner rather than later, and probably more times then he deserved. I knew I would hurt him and I also knew I would leave at one point. Should I spare him a broken heart? Should I spare myself a broken heart and leave before things got really out of hand? That ship had already sailed. If I left now both of us would have a broken heart. His would probably mend rather easy, I mean he could have whoever he wanted, right? He was one of the world’s sexiest men for crying out loud! I wasn’t quite as sure when it came to my own though. There was no going back from this. From what he had awoke inside me. I almost felt alive again. Almost… His hand was suddenly waving before my eyes and snapped my head to look up at him.

“Where are you?”
How long had I been sitting there, staring into space? He was apparently finished in the shower, his hair was soaking wet and he was holding a towel in his hand.
“Sorry, I just… What the hell do we do now?”
“What do you mean?”
“I’m starting to fall for you…”
“You say that like it’s a bad thing.”
“No, no I just… I just never thought I was still able to feel anything like this and it’s terrifying.”
“I know. Let’s just take it day by day, ok? I haven’t figured this out yet ether.”
A demanding ringtone from his cell phone suddenly filled the bedroom and it made me jump a little. He located it and turned to me.
“I gotta take this.”
“Of course. Do you want me to leave?”
“No…! Sorry, no you can stay. It’s just Andy.”
He sat down on the edge of the bed and answered the phone. I kneeled behind him, grabbing the towel from him and started drying his soaking hair.
“Andy.”
“Oh, you’re alive, thank God!”
The slightly British accent could be heard loud and clear as they started talking.
“You would be the first one I tell if I dropped dead, bro, you know that.”
“Yeah, thanks… Seriously though, are you ok?”
“I’m fine, Andy. What’s going on?”
“The tabloids are overflowing with pictures of you collapsing in Central Park yesterday. What the hell happened?”
“Oh, that… Fuck them, paparazzis to blown everything up… I was out for a run and pushed myself a little bit too much.”
“Why the hell would you do that?”
“Got a lot of shit on my mind at the moment.”
“Tell me all about it.”
“Sorry, no can do, bro. Not over the phone.”
“If there’s something I can…”
“It’s not a bad thing, ok? Just chill, I will tell you when we get together again, alright?”
“Are you fucking telling me I’ll have to wait another week to find out what’s messing up your head?”
“Yes… Shit..:!”
He gasped and jumped a little when I leaned in to kiss the tattoo on his back.
“What? What’s wrong…? Damnit, Norman!”
“I gotta go, Andy. I will see you soon, ok?”
“There’s someone there, isn’t there…? You met someone? Tell me, damnit!”
“Goodbye, Andy.”
“Don’t fucking hang up on me now, you need to tell me.”
“The man said goodbye, Andy.”
I reached out and grabbed the phone from him and ended the conversation between the two friends. He just laughed at me and shook his head.
“You really pissed him of now, babe.”
“Does it look like I care?”
“No…”
“There’re beautiful, your tattoos.”
“Thanks. Please don’t stop.”
He begged as my fingers left his flaming back.
“Just don’t move…”
I said before leaning back in and lightly kissed my way up his back, tracing his gorgeous upper arms even more lightly with the tips of my fingers, making him tremble underneath my touch.
"If you're keep going I'm gonna need another shower..."
He chuckled as I reached his collarbone. I smiled to myself, loving that I was in control for once, this was a first for me. I nibbled at his ear.
"No you don't."
He gasped when I spoke into his ear. I climbed on top of him, leaving the towel around his waist behind. His eyes hungrily and somewhat concerned looked back at me. Before I had the time to lean down and kiss him he grabbed my face between his hands and stopped me.
"You don't have to do this, Lo."
"I want to... I really do want to."
"Are you sure?"
"Just shut up and enjoy, ok?"
He smiled and kissed my lips lightly. I had had others plans but once his lips touched mien again I couldn't stop myself and ether it seemed could he. Twice we rolled around in the bed, kissing madly, before I finally found myself on top of him again. At first he seemed reluctant to let my lips leave his but when I gently pushed him down he gave in with a moan and watched as I made my way south.

"What's he like? Andy?"
I took a bit of my burger and looked at him across the dinner table.
"He's... We've known each other for a while now and he's one of my closest friends. He's really great, we are pretty similar. You're gonna love him, he's a real nice guy."
"Yeah that's just it..."
"What?"
"I'm having a hard time getting used to you. I'm not so sure meeting all your friends and family will be all that easy."
"I'm not saying it is and I'm not asking you to become best buddy's with them, but I've people in my life that you will have to get use to if you want this to work out."
"Who?"
"The most important is of course my son. He's 14, lives here every other week more or less. When I move to Atlanta he usually comes out for the weekends. He's an easy going kid, nothing to worry about."
"Who else?"
"My sister and my mom, Helena, that's Mingus' mother and if you decide to come to Atlanta with me there a whole bunch of people, including Andy."
"Do you want me to come to Atlanta with you?"
"Yes. I don't know what I would do with myself if I didn't know where you were."
"I haven't been outside New York for almost 6 years."
"Then it's about time."
“How long will you be gone?”
“Six months.”
“Six months…?! Are you insane? I’m not gonna be able to stay away from you for six months.”
“Good. So you’re coming then?”
“Yeah.”
“Thank you…. I’ve a house over there as well, so it’s private… Well, pretty private anyways, before the fans find out where I live.”
“Just so you know, this, whatever this ends up to be, will never be public.”
“Yeah, I figured that much, but we really don’t need to worry about that right now. For now, all you need to worry about is this four walls and me.”
“Thank you… Could we take a walk or something later? I just realized I haven’t been outside since I first got here and I’m getting pretty restless.”
“Sure....You need some new cloths.”
“I’m not going cloths shopping with you.”
“Why? I’ve great tastes in cloths.”
“Ok, put it this way… I don’t do well in crowds. I usually just ran in, grab whatever I needed and get the hell out of there.”
“Did you ever get caught?”
“You mean if I got a record…? Yeah, I do.”
“Anything else then just shopping lifting?”
“Where are you going with this? Just say what’s on your mind, cause I know there something you want to ask.”
“I need to know, because I’ve a kid to look after and… Did you ever do drugs?”
“Using or selling?”
“Both?”
“Never selling but….He… He usually injected morphine after a… harder day.”
“Are you still using…? Coz if you are, tell me now and we can fix it.”
“No, I’m not using, it stopped the same day he died.”
“How did you manage to sort that out?”
“I don’t know. I honestly don’t know.”
“You’re one tough bitch.”

I wasn’t going to go down with him. I was no way near being ready to be seen by other people with him and I knew he was a target for the paparazzi’s in town. I left 5 minutes before he did and waited for him at the entrance to the subway. It felt great being outside again. Here I was the more comfortable one, this was my playground. I could see him coming, before he saw me. I wasn’t sure how I come being able to spot him so well. Had I really gotten so used to him already? He had put on both shades and a cap, trying to hide a little I guess. I could see him looking around for me and felt a need to rescue him. I sneaked my hand into his and pulled him down the stairs to a waiting train. I had always loved the subways. It was the heart and soul of New York City and it took you so many exciting places.

“Where are we going?”
“You will see.”

It took some time, but shortly before the sun started to set, we had ended up on my favorite part of the New York; Queens. The weather couldn’t be more different from the day before. It was a warm early summer night and the skyline of Manhattan was as stunning as always. I never got tired for sitting there, only difference was that this time I wasn’t alone. I had never brought anyone here before, this had been my place, my place to hide from the world. It was always so quite here, something that never happened in New York. It was easy to forget almost 10 million people were living across the waters.