Nothing Really Matters

As we sat looking out over the gorgeous New York skyline, the sun finally disappearing completely she leaned her head into my chest and burst into speech. I will never understand why she told me there and then but in the darkness I wasn't able to look at her and I hoped she felt safe where she was.
"My father was mean drunk. The first memories I've of him hitting me, I was about 3-4 years old. I remember I had dropped his beer and he hit me across the face... I had a brother. Big brother, 5 years older than me. He always tried to protect me. Maybe that's why I'm here right now, you remind me of him... He joined the army the first chance he got, telling me at the same time to get the hell out of there. He knew they would kill me if he wasn't around. He was probably right. We left together and I ended up here."
"What happened to him?"
"He got shipped to Afghanistan and..."
I could feel her tears soaking my shirt.
"They said it was quick and painless... Like that would make any difference, he still died....
"What about your mother?"
"She turned a blind eye every time I tried to talk to her. Which was sometimes even worse than him hitting me. She knew, yet she didn't do anything to stop it. I know she tried to find me after I ran away but it was a little too late by then."
"Is your father alive?"
"As far as I know....He's a Sheriff."
"Are you kidding me?"
"No. Kinda ironic, right? I mean who the hell would I report him to...? I found out later on that they made up some story about me being a drug addict and that they had tried to get me into rehab and that's why I had left... Anyways, when I got here I thought it would stop, the beating and insults but it just got worst. For some fucking reason I manage to find the worst kind of psychopath. I guess I bring out something in them that..."
"No...No, London, you have nothing to do with them being psychos. It's not your fault."
"Thank you... He use to keep me chained up most of the time for the last year. No point really, since I didn't have it in me to even think about trying to escape. But he liked to know where I was and it was also easier when he brought his friends, he didn't have to chase me down every time. The morphine started after he... He... stabbed me....I got pregnant, somehow and he decided to take care of it by himself. He had a friend that was an army doctor, he patched me up although I remember asking him to just let me die. It would have been so much easier to just kill myself, I probably would have if I had been able to. When I tried to starve myself he force feed me and when I tried to strangle myself with the chains he just cuffed me to the bed instead. The last month I begged him every day to just kill me but he just said he loved me and that things would work out...So when he died I just... I mean I didn't even feel relived. I guess I didn't believe it at first. Not until the cops came back and asked me to identify him. When I saw him there on that cold steal stretcher, I didn't feel a thing. I had wanted to kill him myself. The sick thing is that I stayed. I stayed in that fucking house for almost 2 months before I got kicked out. I guess that it somehow was a good thing, I don't know if I had been able to leave on my own free will. I was just so... fucked up. I collapsed a few days after I left, sever dehydrated. They kept me in the hospital for almost 2 weeks. Fixed what could be fixed, not that it was much, he did I pretty good job. No ovaries left, only one kidney and they've replaced 2 bones in both arms."
She leaned away from me to take of her long sleeved shirt. I realized then that she always wore all long sleeved shirts and pants. In the darkness I could still see the bright white scares on her arms. There were barley am inch on her skin that wasn't scared or bruised. She took my hand in hers and let me touch her. I had no words for this. What she had gone through I couldn't even begin to comprehend. That she was still alive wasn't anything more than a miracle. She had lived 28 years in pretty much constant pain and fear. Now my job was to make sure nothing ever hurt her again. There would be one hell of a job and I started with pulling her as close as possible. Her tears were still falling, but she cried in silence now and although I tried to I couldn’t help the tears that escaped me as well.
“I promise I will do anything in my power to make you trust me.”
“I know you will and I promise I will do my best…. I mean you’ve already broken down my walls pretty good.”
“I’m doing my best.”

I lost track of how long we sat there, close together in each other’s embraces, I think I even fall asleep at some point, but suddenly the first rays of the sun came over the city. When I looked down I found her asleep in my arms. She was tightly holding both arms around my waist and I never wanted to move again. This was how I wanted out lives together to be like. Quite and relaxing. I could however, not let her miss a sunrise like this.
“Lo, baby, wake up, you gotta see this.”
I whispered and she stirred slightly before opening her eyes, immediately searching for my gaze. When she found it she relaxed and smiled up at me. She had finally got some of the color back in her first pale face. Her blue eyes with a hint of green, looked a little more alive. Her full lips would make any women jealous and although I knew it was a lack of food that had probably been the reason for it, her protrusive cheekbones made her round face beautiful. I had I hard time stop staring at her.
"I'm starving."
"I know the feeling."
"Sorry, I didn't mean...."
"Hey, don't worry about it, I was just kidding."
"Can I buy you some breakfast then?"
"Are you asking me out, Mr. Reedus?"
"Yes I am... What's your last name?"
"Richardson. If you look at my birth certificate. I've never really used my last name, don't really like to be reminded I share blood with... whatever they are."
"So when you married...?"
"John. John Andrews. And no, I never took his name. You never married Helena?"
"No."
"Why?"
"I don't know. We talked about it and made plans to but it just never worked out. We fell out of love with each other....I'm, well glad isn't the right word, but I know it most have been hard to tell me and I'm just... I hope you can start trusting me."
"I already have, idiot."
She grabbed me by the hair suddenly and pulled me into a kiss. Like the other times our lips had met, it seemed ether of us wanted it to end. She astride me, gripping my hair tighter and pulled me even closer. Minutes ticked buy before she finally spoke.
"Maybe we should take that breakfast to go, huh?"
"Why?"
"Cause I'm not sure you will behave in public."
She said, still kissing me and laughed a little. I know she could feel the kind of affect she had on me and I grinned back at her.
"That's probably a good idea... God dame, girl, I need you so fucking bad. And I'm not just referring to my dick here."
"Oh shut up... I know, I will get there someday, I promise. Trust me, I want to but..."
"You really don't have to explain, London. I'm not gonna push, you take your time, I will wait."
" I know, thank you… Shall we go?”
“Give me a sec to recover here, babe.”
She rose after giving one last kiss, shaking her head with a smile.

We were back home little before 7 in the morning with New York’s finest bagels and orange juice.
“Can we watch it?”
“Watch what?”
“Walking dead. I only managed to see the first episode on that crapy phone.”
She had crawled up in her usual spot on the couch with her breakfast and I joined after locating the right blue-ray.
“I can watch it myself if you don’t like seeing yourself on TV.”
“No, that’s fine… I haven’t watched it for a while.”
“What season are you starting to shoot now?”
“Sixth.”
“Wow, really…? You’ve survived six seasons of zombies?”
“Walkers. And yes, everyone loves Daryl Dixon so there’re not gonna kill me off any time soon. I hope…”
“Could we drive to Atlanta?”
“Drive? That’s like a 14 hour drive. Why not fly?”
“Cause I don’t have an ID.”
“We could just get you one.”
“Well, that’s not that easy… I don’t have a social security number anymore. Not one that’s me anyway.”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
“Well, my parents had me declared dead.”
“Are you fucking kidding me?”
“Nope… “
“How the hell could they do that?”
“My dad’s a Sherriff, remember?”
“But still… Declaring someone dead… I mean that’s just fucking insane. So can one make you undead?”
“I have no idea. So could we just drive? I’ll figure something out, but I’ve never really had a reason to have a social security number before.”
“So you actually don’t exists?”
“Not as London Richardson.”
“So what do the cops know you as then if you have a record?”
“The first name I got was Jane, you know like Jane Doe, so that’s the name I’ve registered to my fingerprints.”
“New York police department really has poor imagination.”
“I will remember to tell them that next time.”
“Does it have to be a next time?”
“I have a bad habit of falling back into old patterns.”
“I will stop you before it goes out of hand.”
She barley left the couch that day. She was so into The Walking Dead to even notice I left her and headed to the study to catch up some most needed, but boring as hell, business. In between the first and second season I managed to get some lunch into her.

"What's his story?"
"You mean Daryl story before the whole world went to shit?"
"Yeah?"
"What do you think?"
"I think he was like me. Abusive father and a mother who didn't give a shit. I think that Merle tried but couldn't always protect him but was gone one day and left him behind."
"How the hell can you know that from only watching the first season?"
"Because he reminds me of me. The anger and... Issues with intimacy and trusting people, he's twitchy when he moves, ready to kill if he has to all the time, you know, always on his guard, never relaxing."
"Wow... I mean, yeah that's pretty much his story. I just didn't realize it was that easy to see it."
"If you know what to look for it’s easy."
"Yeah... Eat your food."
"I am...! But thank you for carrying."
"Of course. I mean do you even weigh 100 pounds?"
"I will soon if you keep feeding me like this."
"Good. You need to put on some weight."
"I'm trying. My body just needs to get use to not starving."
"If you like to drive I suggest we leave next Friday. We start preparation on Monday."
"Ok."
"Are you ready for that?"
"You're kidding, right? Hell no! You do realize you’re actually asking me to move in with you when you asked me to come to Atlanta with you?"
"I know... would you like to have your own place? I mean, I'm sure I can find you your own place if you like."
"No. I mean you won't be there anyways, right?"
"There's a lot of work, yes but I get back most evenings. Probably even more if you where there waiting."
"Oh, come on, you make me blush."
"Good."
"What are you doing in there?"
She nodded her head towards the study.
"I didn't think you actually noticed."
"Of course I did. I notice everything about you and it actually creeps me out a bit."
"Oh really? Like what?"
"Like the way you're looking at me right now, eyefucking the hell out of me and it drives me crazy because I know what you want."
"I did not just eyefuck you!"
"Oh really?"
"Ok, maybe a little.... Fine, a lot but I didn't thought you noticed."
"Like I said, I notice everything."
"Alright, I'll stop then."
"No need to, I kinda like it... Come here."
In one heartbeat I had did as she asked and stood before her. I could hear her take a deep breath and close her eyes for a second before her hands came to rest on my hips. Damn, she hadn't even touched my skin yet but I almost panted already. She seemed to notice my reaction and looked up at me with an evil little smile on her lips. She slowly began to unbutton my jeans and all I wanted was just to grab her and make her scream my name. Someone did indeed call by name but it wasn't her. She had frozen, hands on the last bottom.
"Norman?"
Andy came around the corner at the same time he called out my name again. I could have beaten him to the ground at that point. She was gone before he had spotted us. Why the hell did I give him a damn key?!
"What the fuck, Andy? Can't you knock like a normal person?"
He stopped dead and starred at me for a few seconds before bursting out laughing.
"Fuck you!"
"I'm sorry... I'm sorry, man. Do you have company?"
"I had...!"
"Well, where is she?"
"It's complicated, ok? Could you just sit your ass down and stay there until I tell you to?"
"Why?"
"God damnit, Andy just shut up and sit...And stay!"
"Fine, but you're acting very weird, you're sure you're fine?"
"Fantastic...! Fuck..."
"I can leave again if you like?"
"No, no that's fine. Just give me a few minutes."
"Alright."
He sat down on her vacant seat and I turned at once to start searching for her. I knew she would probably be hiding somewhere pretty good and I started to panic when I realized she may not in the apartment anymore.
"Do you want my help?"
"Hell no, you stay there!"
I pushed him back into the seat when I ran past him and he tried to rise, a few minutes later.
"Norman, seriously you're starting to freak me out... I'm sorry, ok? I should have called first but I was worried about you. You haven't called for more than a week and then when you collapsed like that..."
"I didn't collapse....!"
"Whatever is going on, you can tell me."
His hand was suddenly on my shoulder when I turned to open the hallway closet.
"Alright... Yeah, ok I'll tell you."
I needed him to know what had happened since I first saw her. I needed him to know just in case she didn't come back and I broke down. We headed back to the couch and sat down.
"Abstinence?"
He picked up the empty blue ray case on the table.
"Not really... well, to make a long story short I met someone about a week ago and she's been staying here the past 2 days and she will, hopefully, come to Atlanta with me?"
"You mean for a few days or what?"
"No, to live permanently."
"What?! Hold on...Are you insane?!"
"A little, yeah... I just think I've found the one I can't live without, Andy."
He sat speechless and started at me for the longest time I have ever experienced with him.
"Alright...If you're sure..."
"I am."
"Ok, then I'm very happy for you. But I got a feeling there's something else going on besides you being in love."
"She's 18 years younger than me to start with."
"Come on, ages is just a fucking number."
"Yeah I know... She's... Well, she's got trust issues."
"What does that mean?"
"Well, put it this way, I would rather live Daryl's life's 100 times over then go through what she's been through."
I let that sink in for a few minutes and it seemed he needed the time to process what I had just said. It looked like he went through a flashback in his head. He seemed chucked up at first and when he tried to speak his voice trembled slightly.
"How did you meet?"
"She stole my bag and I tracked her down to get it back."
"She stole your bag?"
"Yeah."
As I started to tell him the whole story about what had led up to this I suddenly spotted her at the corner of my eye. She was coming out from Mingus’s room, extreme caution in every step she took. The playful smile I had seen before was nowhere to be found. Her face was a hard mask of anger and insecurity. She kept her back to the front door, always ready to make a run for it. When Andy suddenly rose with his hand outstretched she tensed and took a few steps back and if I wasn’t mistaken, she even hissed angrily at him. He didn’t need my hand on his arm to know he did best to just sit back down.
“Sorry… I’ll keep my distance… I’m sorry I just walked in on you like that. I’m Andy.”
“Yeah, I know.”
“You hung up the phone in my ear.”
“Yeah.”
“I never got your name.”
“London.”
“Norman says you got trust issues.”
“That’s putting it mildly.”
“Alright, I get that…”
“No you don’t. You don’t get a fucking thing.”
“Fine, you’re right, I don’t know anything about you and what has happened to you before. What I do know however is that I would like to get to know you. You’re important to Norman, which means you’re important to me.”
“Trusting him doesn’t make me trust you.”
“What the hell happened to you?”
He couldn’t stop the question from coming when she glared at him and I didn’t blame him. She looked hostile.
“Trusting people, is what happened to me.”
“I’m not going to hurt you.”
I watched her closely, trying to figure out if I could push this a little further or if she would bolt out the door if I did. At the same time this was what had to happen. Andy was just one of many she would have to get use to, and why not now? I kept arguing with myself even when I rose and walked up to her.