Diaries of the Man Upstairs

March 29

Therapy.

Therapy.

Ther...a...py

Therapy

Dan was still asleep.

Didn't want to wake him.

It was right after university so i wasn't prepared.

I took blue and his hoodie to make me feel more at ease.

Nothing is as good as the real thing.

But it was a slightly dirty one so it smells like him and it's nice and cuddly.

The one with the horns on the hood and the little buttons.

It was the thing with the least leather in his closet so I thought it'd be comfy.

Mrs. Jacobs and I talked about it... about him.

She says we're moving too quickly.

I know that.

But I've decided that it is the better path to take because I need the ring to feel protected.

I know that because I took it off yesterday.

I had 3 panic attacks, he was there all day, and Dan left me for a friend.

He came back around 8pm but he doesn't know about it. He doesn't need to.

He's waking up now. I gotta wake him with a bunch of kisses! I gotta!

2:00 pm.

Phil

"Dan, I'm back from uni! Are you ready for therapy?" I set my bag on the couch, running to the bedroom.

He's dressed and ready... but he'd fallen back to sleep. I kiss his head, taking willow from his arms and trading it with a stuffed Winnie the pooh I got him as a joke but turns out he loves it more than I thought he would.

"Come on will, gotta go pee pee!" I take the puppies out and let them do their business. They come back in, way hyped so I had to close the bedroom door.

"No going in there! Do you understand? Stay!"

I sneak in, noticing that I only have 4 minutes so I quickly pull off my shirt, putting on the on a black tee from Dan's closet and finding my favorite hoodie of his on the floor, pulling it on.

"Alright, I know you were up late so I won't bother you but I'm leaving. I love you, okay? Sleep well." I kiss him, noticing his lips are a little cold so I tuck him in.

I open the door for the dogs but grab blue before she can run in, putting her on a leash and taking her to therapy with me.

The secretary looked at me kind of funny when I went to sign in. She looks my age. She was pretty. Red hair, thick glasses, green eyes and fair skin. The only problem is when she bent forward to talk to me, she showed a bit too much of her cleavage. I saw a bit of something Dan would rather me not.

But when she leaned in, she talked in a low, sexy voice, making me shiver.

"Mrs. Jacobs room is third on the right. My room however... is free if you'd like."

I nod, getting nervous and walking in with blue tight in my arms.

"Mister Lester, take a seat."

Mrs. Jacobs looked okay. Light brown hair on its way to grey, pulled half up, brown eyes that were duller than Dan's. Not as cheerful and sparkly. It made me uncomfortable. She's dressed in tights and a dress. Her thin lips are obviously chewed on and her heels don't match her outfit. She still has a flip phone. I feel threatened.

"I'm Mrs. Jacobs. Please make yourself at home."

I pull blue tighter into me.

"This is blue," I whisper.

She nods.

"She's Dan's dog... I love Dan..." I pull my knees up to my chest.

"Who is Dan," she asks with a smile. I look down at my sleeve... well, Dan's. I've never gotten to talk about Dan to a person. It kind of scares me.

"He's my... fiancé I guess...," I mumble.

"Can I ask how long you two have known each other?"

I smile. "4 months," I say with a giggle. "He's a little bit fast..." I whisper.

I feel her disappointment burn in me.

"How long have you been together...," she asks. I shrug, thinking about it.

"A couple of weeks..."

"But you're engaged?" She scribbles on her notepad, making me nervous.

"We have a complex relationship... the hoodie is his too..." i play with blue's ear, feeling nervous.

"I think you're moving a bit fast..." She gets up, making me feel more scared than I already felt. She is a little intimidating, looks wise. I'm sure she's a sweet lady.

"I-I think so... but he's like a safety..." I scratch at my wrist out of nervousness, not liking talking about Dan or us this way. It's really not her place to judge. She doesn't know him quite like I do.

"What exactly is he a safety from," she asks, dancing around the subject I tried so hard to avoid.

"The demons in my head," I mumble, pulling blue up to hide my face in. "They're everywhere... but they're only everywhere when he's not there..." I start to feel the walls start to cave in, the room around me is spinning. The voices start to scream at me, making me fall out of my chair. I start to shake, cradling myself until I pass out.
*
*
*
I wake up still in her office. She had brought me a bottle of water, which I take a sip of, thankful for it.

"Does that happen often," she asks. I bite my lip.

"describe what you mean by often. I mean, once or twice a week lately but it depends and sometimes a nose bleed comes with it and Dan asks if I should see a doctor but I'm fine! It's okay. Just need a minute or two." I get up, finding blue who's staring out the window, waiting for a car or something to go by.

I look up at the clock to see the session is over in 5. I don't think I can wait.

We sit in silence for the rest of it. Only because I refused to speak. When I got out, I rushed home to Dan. He's still asleep. Poor kid. Gets up in the middle of the night with some weird dream and never goes back to sleep.

I pull out my diary to write a bit until he starts to wake a little.

When I notice, I pounce on top of him, kissing his head and his cheek, trying to get everywhere but being stopped.

"PHIL! PHIL! STOP! IM SICK! IM SICK!" He pushes me off, making me frown.

"Just one for a bad day," I ask, pouting my lip.

"Just one," he mumbles. I climb on top of him, kissing him, but quickly pull away.

"You're hot," I say with a frown.

He laughs, weakly.

"I'm always hot. Tell me about therapy. I'm sorry I fell asleep. I've been throwing up since you left for school." He plays with the hood on his shirt that I'm wearing. He doesn't seem to notice it's his.

"It sucked. I don't want to go back but when I am, you're being forced. Let me get you a rag and a bin."

He wraps his arm around me, takes my other hand in his, kissing it gently.

"Teddy bear... stay," he mumbles, already falling back to sleep.

I get up but when I do he shivers, curling up in a ball. I notice he's kicked off his covers.

"It's cold," he whines. I giggle, kneeling down by his side, kissing his nose.

"How do you feel about blankets," I ask. He lets out a loud, high pitched whine. I sigh, chewing on my lip.

"Okay, blankets are too hot, bare is too cold- well duh! Fevers are like that! Alright, let me start the tub. Clap if you need me... I feel terrible to leave you like this... I have an idea." I start to take off his shirt, as slowly and motionless as I can.

He giggles like a drunk, making me grin.

"Not now, baby! I'm not feeling my best!" He grabs my hand as I start to take off his pants and his underwear, pulling his covers over him and kissing his head.

"Try not to fall asleep while I'm running your bath, okay baby?"

He squeezes my hand as an okay, or at least I take it that way.

"Bin, Phil, bin!" He points over to the trash bin in the corner. I grab it as quick as I can, barely in time. He takes the bin from me, cleaning himself up... and then vomiting again.

I sigh, playing with his hair.

"I'll be right back, okay?"

He nods, looking up at me.

"Hey, wait... thank you... you didn't react as badly as I thought... not at all... I thought you'd be panicked. Like I am when you... you panic..." he stares down at my hand.

What does that mean...?

"I learned through that experience...that panic only fixes so much. No panicking when it comes to my precious things. It bothers focus. You're my focus. We both know I can't magically heal you so I'm not going to kill myself trying. But I can spoil you while I got you."
I walk over to the sock drawer, pulling out a pair of my socks because there isn't a way to find a pair in his mess of socks.

"You're such a beautiful man, Phil... you know that," I hear Dan ask. I feel myself blush. He is more than I need. I like him a lot... I love him a lot.

"I'll be right back." I go and put the socks in the microwave and start the bath. I fix his tea, setting it beside the bath and run upstairs to grab a few things. I make the bath as bubbly as I can and light a few candles. When it's ready, I go back to Dan, scooping him up, and carrying him to the bath. I had to get in half way to set him down gently but it was worth it. Anything for him is worth it.

He whines and gives me the most miserable look before asking for a bin again. I get it as fast as I can, thankful that yesterday was trash day.

"Are we alright," I ask. He gives me a thumbs up before vomiting again.

I feel bad for him. Terrible. He seems like he's dying but I know he's not! He just... looks like it...

"I don't think I have anything left in me... hey, is that my shirt?" He pulls on my sleeve. I take his hand in both of mine.

"I stole it. For personal reasons." Of course, it wasn't as well as him actually being there... I move some partly curled hair from his eyes.

"It looks good on you... really good... I feel all woozy, baby! Make it stop!" He pulls on my hand, almost pulling me in. I giggle, stopping myself.

"Rest, okay? You're too cute to be sick forever." I kiss his head, getting up to get him some medication. "Describe your pain, son of mine!"

"Stomach... Head... body... tired... dehydrated... hungry but every time I eat I puke..." I get out all of the stomach medicine I can find. He flings water at me. I fling imaginary dirt at him to get him back, making him groan really loud.

"Whaaaaat," I ask, looking back at him.

"I don't feel good and you're so lame!" He sinks lower into the tub. If he went any lower, he'd drown.

"Cola syrup or pepto," I ask. I hear him answer, quietly but I can't understand it. But I assume he means cola because who wouldn't chose cola?

I pour him a little bit and carefully bring it to him, almost spilling it.

I gently take his chin and help him gulp it down, giving him a sip of his tea the same way.

"Small sips, baby. Small." He puts his hand up, signaling that he's done. I set it back in its place, grabbing his luffa and starting to bathe him.

When I'm finished, I put a pair of pjs in the dryer and I drain the tub but not letting him get up. I dry him off, putting lotion on him, and putting the warm pjs and socks on him as I slowly get him out of the tub and into the bedroom.

I tuck him in as tight as I can do he can't possibly get out of it and I kiss his cheek.

"You're hotter," i inspect. I frown. He shakes his head. I open the door to let the puppies back in so he can cuddle something.

"I'm going to take a nap on the couch, okay babe? Whistle if you need me. The trash bin is right beside you and I'll bring in some crackers if you'd like."

He sighs and nods. I get half way to the couch when I hear a whistle, rushing to Dan. He smiles when he sees me in the door way.

"I need you," he whispers.

"What do you need, baby," I ask. He holds out his arms.

"Cuddles," he mumbles. I climb into his arms, making myself comfy on top of him.

I didn't nap. Instead I watched him sleep. Taking in every detail of it. Making mental notes. He's so gentle looking.

I didn't see him today so I must be doing something right. Dan must be doing something too.

Mixed emotions about today. But I wouldn't trade it for anything. I like Dan like this. Not necessarily sick... but happy and cheerful. I think that's cute.