Diaries of the Man Upstairs

Feb. 18

The day my mum died.
The day I dreaded most.
The day my dad kicked me out of the family for being useless.
The day martyn stopped being my buddy because he got in trouble.
The day I lost me.
She's gone.
She's not coming back.

2:59 am
Rest in peace to a wonderful mother, wife, and the best friend a boy could ask for.
I love you, mum.

DAN

March 3rd

The day Phil comes back.

Marcy had been nagging all day about how his flowers are more expensive than hers.

I didn't really care. I wasn't really interested in her words.

Eventually she leaves me to be with the flowers on my own.

She left, crying. Usual.

I slip downstairs to knock on phil's door but what stares back at me, scares the living daylights out of me.

My happy, genteel, and strange Phil was replaced with a reformed, new model I did not like.

I offered the flowers.

He stared up at me and begins to shake.

"Phil... are you okay," I ask. He twitches and pushes past me to his place, leaving the door wide open. I go on in, putting the flowers in a vase in the kitchen.

I walk to Phil's room where he is screaming into a pillow.

I sit beside him, rubbing his back.

We were still on simple "hey, how's your mum" when we pass each other in the halls but on the occasion, one of us is sad and just walks in on the other.

"Do you think Hemingway thinks Pete is dead when he leaves for tour," Phil asks, lifting his head. I let out a small laugh at how completely random it is.

"That, you'll have to ask precious lord Hemingway I'm person... or in... dog..."

"Maybe mum is only on tour... ill see her some day. I just don't know it," he whispers.

I sigh, climbing on top of him, straddling him and starting to give him a massage. It was needed, badly. He's in a bad place.

"You're so gay," I hear Phil mumble.

I wasn't sure if that was about me... or him... so I kind of just ignore it.

I keep going, he seemed to be okay with it and enjoy it.

I start to hum having a blast by green day.

"Did you see her...," I ask, kind of unsure wether that was smart or not.

Phil let's out a muffled mhm and something else I can't make out but I could tell he was crying and didn't want to speak about it.

"How's your dad," I ask.

"He's told me I can't be a part of the family anymore because all I do is make videos all day and I need to stop being lazy and do something with my like like martyn."

Oh...

"You and Marcy," he asks. I shrug.

"She thinks I'm gay for you," I whisper, digging my fingers harder into his shoulders.

"Well... you are on top of me. Can't blame her..." Phil starts to play with the corner of his pillowcase.

"I'm not gay," I growl. I get off of him, sitting on the floor with my back to him.

"Dan, please... I didn't mean to hurt you! I was just thinking out loud! I hope every sexy guy is gay! I'm gay! Well... bisexual... I'm sorry, it's been hard on me."

"You think I'm sexy...," I ask. I feel the blood rush to my face as I blush. Luckily he can't see me.

"Is that okay?"

"I... can't control your opinion...," I say, hoping he'd still say yes.

Okay, maybe you are gay...

Shut up! I've got a girlfriend! Leave me alone!

Just saying...

"Then yeah... you've got alluring eyes and a really nice bone structure, I think... you're a little on the scrawny side but that's okay, I can feed you." I feel him start to pet my hair.

"Don't comment on my 8 year old girl body..." I pull my legs to my chest.

"Okay! Okay. You're not gay. Why does any of this matter?"

"Shhh, Dan be my puppy," i hear Phil mumble.

"I wish I could...," I barely whisper. I feel a pair of arms, followed by the top half of a body fling itself on top of my shoulders.

"Phil," I nearly yell. He kisses my cheek.

"Xander Harris really has a twin... and I think that's scary. It really was his twin in the episode where he splits in two. Not him twice."

I laugh.

"Buffy much,"I ask as I grab his hand.

"Yeah..."

After a long bit of silence, just sitting there, I look over at him.

He looks so exhausted and his eyes are beyond swollen. I hadn't noticed earlier.

"Hey Phil," I ask really quietly. His crystal blue eyes shift from my fingers up to my eyes. "Do you feel like crying some more...?"

He bites his lip, burying his face in my neck. I feel my shirt collar start to get soaked with tears.

"I deserve it," he sobs, pulling me closer.

"Phil, nobody deserves it. You know that." I run my hands through his messed up, shaggy hair.

"I do," Phil whispers. I wipe away one of his tears, squeezing his cheeks so his lips are puckered out. I bite mine, debating ether I should or not.

Well Dan... you've done it before. You can again! It's no biggy. It's just like before. It doesn't make you gay... not any gayer than before...

Another tear goes down his cheek. I take the plunge, kissing his gentle, slightly chapped lips.

I feel him start to kiss back, making me let go of his cheeks and pull him closer.

I feel his fingers tangle my hair.

His tongue drags across my lip, I nibble on his lip and he lets out a little whine.

I smile against his lips, just screaming. Screaming into his mouth. Sounds weird and it feels weird too. But I couldn't help it. I was giddy.

I was sober! I can feel it all properly! Taste every bit of it! Notice every move he makes but most of all, realize how much I like it.

Phil's hands go flat on my chest. He starts to push me away but as I start to break it, he pulls me closer.

"False alarm," he mumbles in my mouth but it sounds more like lalsh arm.

I pull him off of his bed. He stops, kissing my neck and then crawling up in a ball in my arms.

"Maybe there is a little homosexuality running through me for you," I whisper. He blushes.

"Wild side much... I don't think Marcy is gonna like that." He keeps kissing on my neck.

"Give me a break! You've been gone for 2 weeks! I missed my special hey in the halls and bumping elbows on 'accident' when literally you're right there checking me out. Just come out and say it! Please!"

"Dan, look at me," Phil pulls my head to look at him. "Before you decide kissing me is the coolest idea, I've got something important to say."

I nod, waiting for it. He traces swirly lines on my arm.

"I'm... into girls... and guys... that doesn't exactly mean oo I like you, it just means I will check you out... and if you don't appreciate that, tell me..."

I smile, hugging him.

"I know," I whisper. He lets out a long sigh.

"I miss mum... But I've cried out everything throughout these past two weeks, I suppose. I can't keep torturing myself with it. Wanna go get coffee... we never just... go out and relax... my treat. Just get a coat." I smile really big for the first time in forever.

"That sounds really nice, Phil." I watch him go into the bathroom and just kind of wait for him. It might actually be okay. Maybe.