His Secret to Tell

I dreaded going to practice today. I barely slept and when I did I dreamed about Paige. It also didn't help that the entire team was going to say "I told you so" about the situation. They all knew, all found out around the same time but I didn't want to deal with their judging eyes. They all watch as my world fell apart and they didn't have a chance to mock me then. They'll have plenty of time at practice. It also didn't help that we have a playoff game one a couple days from now. I need to focus on hockey but Paige…fuck me!

When I waked through the locker room door, the room quieted. It wasn't hard to tell. I kept to myself, hoping to get through this day and return home to bath in my own pity and stupidity. I went about my normal routine; music blasted loudly in my ears to block out my own thoughts. I warmed up, got dressed and headed to the ice. I just went through the motions. I wasn't completely involved. I'd miss passes, miss shots, I felt like thousands of pounds were strapped to my back.
"Toews!" Coach yelled. I skated over to him on the bench where the other coaches were along with the team shrink. I knew what was about to happen. "Look Jon, we know something went down last night and it doesn't look like it went well. You're slow in practice and you look like your head is somewhere else. We can't have you like this during games. How about you change and go talk with Josh here and figure some things out."
"I don't need too. I'm fine. I can figure it out on my own." I fought.
"If you don't talk to him, you're not playing in the next two games."
I sent Q a glare but went back to the locker room to change. Josh was waiting for me and we headed to some section in the stands to talk.
"So I don't know everything, Coach gave me a shortened version of your situation. I'm here to just listen if you need to get it all out." Josh started.
I let out a sigh and starred off to the ice. The only person I wanted to talk to this about is Paige and she won't give me the time of day. "I met this girl, Paige, like three years ago and she's…my world. But I never told her who I was; that I played hockey professional and was very famous for it. She just found out yesterday that I had lied to her."
"Why didn't you tell her?"
"I don't know…if I knew then she might not loathe me so much. I had so many opportunities to tell her, and I wanted too but things were so amazing the way they were. I guess I was kind of scared how'd she react so I just didn't tell her. But that kept happening, I'd come across the perfect opportunity to tell and her chose not too. Because I'm an idiot."
"You liked what you had, a lot of people wouldn't want change something they thought was perfect. I'm curious though, how did you find out she had no idea who you were? That seems a bit impossible."
"That's what I thought. When I first met her, she didn't treat me special like some people do. She asked me for my name. I thought she was just being polite or something. But it was on our first date that I realized it was no façade. She had no idea who I was."

When I went back Wednesday for the fitting, everything fit and looked great, "I'll give you a call tomorrow when it's finished." Paige instructed. I found myself sitting and waiting for her call, occasionally getting the phantom vibrations. I kept myself busy, trying not to feel like a thirteen year old girl waiting by the phone. I just stepped out of the shower when I heard my phone going off in the other room, "Hello?"
"Hi, Jon? This is Paige."
"Oh hey." As if I didn't recognize that voice.
"So I finished your suit. You can head over and pick it up."
"Great. I'll be there soon."
"See you then."
I hurried and changed, jumping into my car and heading to Paige's place. It was just after 5pm when I got there. Paige's shop usually closes at five, "I'm sorry I'm late. I know it's after five."
"Oh don't worry about it. I called you late and if you're coming from the city, it's a bit of a drive." She handed over my suit, "You'll be the Belle of the ball." She joked.
I laughed, "So what are your plans for the rest of the day?"
"I'm headed down the road to this little Italian place. It serves the best pasta. You?"
"I'll probably head back and find some dinner."
"Well, if we're both in search of food, maybe we could eat together…?" She suggested, not looking at me but oh, was I looking at her and that blush that rose on her cheeks.
"Are you asking me out?"
"I'm merely helping you find dinner."
"Pasta does sound pretty good right now."
Paige smiled, "I need to clean up a few things and we can head over." I nodded and ran my suit out to my car. "Make yourself at home. Get yourself a drink or whatever. The house is right through there." She pointed to a doorway which showed bits of the kitchen. I poured myself a glass of water and looked around.
She had a really nice place, very clean, very homey. The kitchen was open and looked towards the living room. She had a nice fireplace that must be perfect in the cold Illinois weather. She had several pictures on the mantel and surrounds shelves. Most of them had her in them with, I assume, family and some friends. She looked amazing in every picture.
"Hey, I'm done. You ready?" I nodded and followed her out the back door. "I hope you're okay to walk. It's only down the road."
"I think I can handle that."
This Italian place was a quick walk and we were seated quickly, "Ah Paige, my dear, how are you? I'm so glad you're back. Mario has a new pasta he's trying out and he's positive you'll love it."
"Mario hasn't been wrong yet." Paige joked with the older woman. She must own the place.
"I'll bring you out your favorite wine. What you would like?" She asked, turning to me.
"Whatever goes well with Mario's pasta." The woman smiled and rushed off.
"I guess you can say, I come here often." Paige said. The woman returned with our wine.
"So, how long have you had your business?" I asked, hoping to get to know Paige a little bit more.
"Officially? About five years. But I've been sewing my whole life. Ladies from church use to pay me to fix their clothes and I turned into a little business out of my room. Word spread and I was doing wedding parties and all kinds of things. I even help some of the local high schools with their costumes."
"Look at you, an entrepreneur from the beginning."
"What do you do?"
Wait…what? She doesn't know what I do? Is she just asking that to be polite? To hear me say it? Or maybe she doesn't know…That doesn’t make any sense. What should I say?
What am I saying?! I should tell her the truth! Jesus! What's wrong with me??
"I work in sales. I travel a lot for it, going all over the country."
"Wow, that sounds exciting."
"Yeah, it is."
What have I just done?"
"Where are you from?"
"I'm originally from Winnipeg."
"I thought I heard the accent."
"Where are you from?"
"About two hours south of here. My parents own a farm down there."
"So you can milk cows and catch pigs. Impressive skills."
"I've got ribbons to show for it. They have mostly horses. I use to ride a little bit but now I just do it for fun."

"The rest of our night just flowed. We didn't stop talking, even when our food arrived. She never asked about my job and I never brought it up. I don't know why I lied. Now that I think about it, it was a bigger risk because what if she did know and was playing me. But once we got over that bump everything was easy and I didn't want to ruin it."
"And you've been able to hide all of this from her for the past three years?"
"Yup, I even proposed to her before I told her."
"Wow…I mean it's terrible, but that's impressive."
"That's not helping." I rolled my eyes.
"I'm sorry. To be honest, you're not going to be able to fix this in one day. When you finally talk to Paige, and she will talk to you soon-ish, you need to have the real reason behind this choice of yours. This is huge, especially to her and if you want to have her for the rest of your life, you've got to make it up to her like that's your job."
"I know. I just wish I could work out my reasoning quickly."
"Well, if you want, we can set aside some time to talk and see if we can work out something. It might be easier to get a outside point of view on your relationship."
"Yeah, that's fine." We worked out times to talk and I left for the day.

I sat in my apartment with half a sandwich on the table. I thought about my talk with Josh, replaying my memories with Paige. I had to make this right. I reached for my phone and went to the top message on my phone, "I'm so sorry. I will make this right. I will fix this. I love you and I hope you still love me. Please give me a chance, whenever you're ready. I miss and love you Paige. More than anything."