Car Radio
There is no distraction to mask what is real
“Michael?”
“What do you want, Sky?”
Rude. So rude.
I’ve been so rude lately.
A moment of silence, save for the droning dialogue sounding from the TV.
“…Nothing.”
“If you’ve got somethin’ to say to me, go on ahead and say it.”
“Why are you acting like this? Why are you so afraid of showing any form of emotion when you need to the most?”
I clench my shaking hands.
“What? Is there a rule now saying that I need to show emotion?”
“It’s not a rule. It’s common sense. It’s human nature. I heard that—”
“Not interested in another one of your facts.”
“…It’s bad to hold it all in, Michael. We’ve all grieved. Hell, we’re still grieving. It’s your turn to do so now.”
My hands continue to shake.
“The least you could do is visit him, since you missed the—”
“Shut the fuck up, okay?!”
He holds his hands up in defense.
“If I go, will you then leave me the fuck alone?!”
He didn’t respond, so I took that as a “yes” as I shot up from the couch, storming into the bedroom to pull on a stray hoodie and to grab the keys to the truck before storming out of the house.
I didn’t mean to yell at him like that.
Unlock and open the door.
Step inside.
Close the door.
Ignition.
Stick.
Radio.
‘…I ponder of something great
My lungs will fill and then deflate’
I bite down on my lip and grip the steering wheel tightly before I step on the gas.
‘They fill with fire
Exhale desire
I know it's dire
My time today’
My finger starts to tap along to the beat.
‘I have these thoughts
So often I ought
To replace that slot
With what I once bought
'Cause somebody stole
My car radio
And now I just sit in silence’
I let out a breath, relaxing to the familiarity of the song.
‘Sometimes quiet is violent
I find it hard to hide it
My pride is no longer inside
It's on my sleeve
My skin will scream
Reminding me of
Who I killed inside my dream’
And then I start to sing along.
“I hate this car that I'm driving
There's no hiding for me
I'm forced to deal with what I feel
There is no distraction to mask what is real”
A sad smile.
“I could pull the steering wheel”
Inhale.
“I have these thoughts
So often I ought
To replace that slot
With what I once bought
'Cause somebody stole
My car radio
And now I just sit in silence”
Exhale.
I feel comfortable.
The song was familiar. The setting was familiar.
But of course, something was missing.
Yet, I couldn’t think about what it was.
What is missing?
I pull up to the local florist’s shop and park, letting another verse of the song pass.
Turn off the ignition.
Open the door. Step out.
Close the door.
I enter through the entrance door, not hesitating to pick out flowers for a bouquet – two pink carnations, two white lilies, one crimson rose.
“I’m sorry for your loss.”
But I don’t respond to the cashier.
I only hand her the money without a word.
And that moment of silence seems to come back.
Only to be shattered by a blaring car alarm.
Blaring…
“Um…Sir?”
Blaring.
“Sir…isn’t that your truck alarm?”
Blaring!
I look up and my eyes widen.
The lights were blinking and the door was open.
“Shit!”
I dash back outside towards my truck, quickly looking inside.
What is missing?
What is missing?
“What the fuck…? Shit! Are you fuckin’ kidding me?!”
Really? Out of all things, they take the damn radio?
“You’ve got to be fuckin’ kidding me!”
I slam the door shut, walking back inside the building to grab my wallet and the flowers.
“Do…Do you need me to call the police?”
I don’t answer as I leave.
Open the fuckin’ door.
Fuckin’ step inside.
Close the fuckin’ door.
Turn on the fuckin’ ignition.
Fuckin’ stick.
Radio— “Oh wait it’s FUCKIN’ GONE.”
I groan in frustration as I step on the gas, continuing down the road.
An hour left until I reach Habersham.
An hour left, now with silence.
What is missing?
There was the rattling sound of the engine – How old was this thing again?
The road is paved. The road has potholes. The road is paved again – Does the damn job ever get finished around here?
The speed limit reads ’70 MPH’. I look down at the speedometer – 87 MPH.
I bite down on my lip as I slightly lift off of the gas pedal.
What is missing?
“Why is everything so damn noisy now?”
I run a hand through my hair, glaring at the empty slot that glared back at me.
“Fuckers stole my fuckin’ radio.”
But “Car Radio” seems to linger in my mind, as if the song was still playing out loud.
If I hadn’t listen to that song, would I still have my radio?
Was getting it stolen some form of sick irony?
“Car Radio” still lingers in my mind.
‘I ponder of something terrifying
'Cause this time there's no sound to hide behind
I find over the course of our human existence
One thing consists of consistence’
Green sign after green sign passes – ‘52 miles to Habersham’; ‘39 miles to Habersham’.
What is missing?
“And it's that we're all battling fear
Oh dear, I don't know if we know why we're here
Oh my,
Too deep
Please stop thinking
I liked it better when my car had sound”
My eyes widen.
My breath hitches.
My heart drops into my stomach.
I don’t hesitate to turn on the emergency lights and pull over.
“Why…?”
That wasn’t Tyler Joseph’s voice that I just heard.
What is missing?
“Fuckin’ why?!”
That was Tyler Carter’s voice that I just heard.
…Who is missing?
My head is in overdrive as I grip at my hair.
I can’t stop hearing his voice, singing along to those familiar lyrics.
“And I will try with every rhyme
To come across like I am dying
To let you know you need to try to think”
It feels like it’s been forever since he had sung along to those familiar lyrics.
I can’t stop seeing him in the passenger’s seat, tapping his hands along to the beat.
I can’t stop seeing him: laughing, talking, smiling.
“Smiling…”
Blaring…
“You always had that damned, goofy smile on your face…!”
Blaring.
“You literally smiled every fuckin’ day! Almost every minute, even!”
Blaring!
“You fuckin’ smiled…”
BLARING.
“…even when you were FUCKIN’ DYING!”
BLARING!
CRASHING!
SHATTERING!
CRUSHING!
SCREAMING!
…
Silence.
My body is shaking.
My heart is racing inside my stomach.
The tears wouldn’t stop falling.
“…I can’t do it.”
Silence, save for the sound vehicles speeding down the highway.
“…I can’t visit you, Tyler. I can’t…”
I don’t bother to wipe the tears away.
“I can’t bear to see that fuckin’ gravestone with your name on it…!”
Ragged breaths. Ugly sobs.
“…I can only imagine what you think of me. ‘What kind of guy doesn’t even show up to his own boyfriend’s funeral?’”
My hands tremble.
"Do I even deserve to visit you? I'm the one that caused it, right? I'm the reason you're...Just because I zoned out for a second...!"
Inhale. Exhale.
“Maybe you’re up there telling me to get a fuckin’ grip and stop being a dick to everyone. Maybe…”
Inhale. Exhale.
“Maybe you were telling me to cry, scream, punch something, let out some sort of emotion, basically telling me to listen to Sky, since he’s right half of the damn time.”
I let out a sad laugh as I wipe away my tears.
“Well, here I am…a sobbing, fuckin’ mess that’s missing you and my damn radio.”
I put the truck into ‘Drive’ and signal left.
And even though I was driving away from his resting place,
I could still hear his voice, loud and clear.
“I ponder of something great
My lungs will fill and then deflate
They fill with fire
Exhale desire
I know it's dire
My time today”
“I have these thoughts
So often I ought
To replace that slot
With what I once bought
'Cause somebody stole
My car radio
And now I just sit in silence”
“What do you want, Sky?”
Rude. So rude.
I’ve been so rude lately.
A moment of silence, save for the droning dialogue sounding from the TV.
“…Nothing.”
“If you’ve got somethin’ to say to me, go on ahead and say it.”
“Why are you acting like this? Why are you so afraid of showing any form of emotion when you need to the most?”
I clench my shaking hands.
“What? Is there a rule now saying that I need to show emotion?”
“It’s not a rule. It’s common sense. It’s human nature. I heard that—”
“Not interested in another one of your facts.”
“…It’s bad to hold it all in, Michael. We’ve all grieved. Hell, we’re still grieving. It’s your turn to do so now.”
My hands continue to shake.
“The least you could do is visit him, since you missed the—”
“Shut the fuck up, okay?!”
He holds his hands up in defense.
“If I go, will you then leave me the fuck alone?!”
He didn’t respond, so I took that as a “yes” as I shot up from the couch, storming into the bedroom to pull on a stray hoodie and to grab the keys to the truck before storming out of the house.
I didn’t mean to yell at him like that.
Unlock and open the door.
Step inside.
Close the door.
Ignition.
Stick.
Radio.
‘…I ponder of something great
My lungs will fill and then deflate’
I bite down on my lip and grip the steering wheel tightly before I step on the gas.
‘They fill with fire
Exhale desire
I know it's dire
My time today’
My finger starts to tap along to the beat.
‘I have these thoughts
So often I ought
To replace that slot
With what I once bought
'Cause somebody stole
My car radio
And now I just sit in silence’
I let out a breath, relaxing to the familiarity of the song.
‘Sometimes quiet is violent
I find it hard to hide it
My pride is no longer inside
It's on my sleeve
My skin will scream
Reminding me of
Who I killed inside my dream’
And then I start to sing along.
“I hate this car that I'm driving
There's no hiding for me
I'm forced to deal with what I feel
There is no distraction to mask what is real”
A sad smile.
“I could pull the steering wheel”
Inhale.
“I have these thoughts
So often I ought
To replace that slot
With what I once bought
'Cause somebody stole
My car radio
And now I just sit in silence”
Exhale.
I feel comfortable.
The song was familiar. The setting was familiar.
But of course, something was missing.
Yet, I couldn’t think about what it was.
What is missing?
I pull up to the local florist’s shop and park, letting another verse of the song pass.
Turn off the ignition.
Open the door. Step out.
Close the door.
I enter through the entrance door, not hesitating to pick out flowers for a bouquet – two pink carnations, two white lilies, one crimson rose.
“I’m sorry for your loss.”
But I don’t respond to the cashier.
I only hand her the money without a word.
And that moment of silence seems to come back.
Only to be shattered by a blaring car alarm.
Blaring…
“Um…Sir?”
Blaring.
“Sir…isn’t that your truck alarm?”
Blaring!
I look up and my eyes widen.
The lights were blinking and the door was open.
“Shit!”
I dash back outside towards my truck, quickly looking inside.
What is missing?
What is missing?
“What the fuck…? Shit! Are you fuckin’ kidding me?!”
Really? Out of all things, they take the damn radio?
“You’ve got to be fuckin’ kidding me!”
I slam the door shut, walking back inside the building to grab my wallet and the flowers.
“Do…Do you need me to call the police?”
I don’t answer as I leave.
Open the fuckin’ door.
Fuckin’ step inside.
Close the fuckin’ door.
Turn on the fuckin’ ignition.
Fuckin’ stick.
Radio— “Oh wait it’s FUCKIN’ GONE.”
I groan in frustration as I step on the gas, continuing down the road.
An hour left until I reach Habersham.
An hour left, now with silence.
What is missing?
There was the rattling sound of the engine – How old was this thing again?
The road is paved. The road has potholes. The road is paved again – Does the damn job ever get finished around here?
The speed limit reads ’70 MPH’. I look down at the speedometer – 87 MPH.
I bite down on my lip as I slightly lift off of the gas pedal.
What is missing?
“Why is everything so damn noisy now?”
I run a hand through my hair, glaring at the empty slot that glared back at me.
“Fuckers stole my fuckin’ radio.”
But “Car Radio” seems to linger in my mind, as if the song was still playing out loud.
If I hadn’t listen to that song, would I still have my radio?
Was getting it stolen some form of sick irony?
“Car Radio” still lingers in my mind.
‘I ponder of something terrifying
'Cause this time there's no sound to hide behind
I find over the course of our human existence
One thing consists of consistence’
Green sign after green sign passes – ‘52 miles to Habersham’; ‘39 miles to Habersham’.
What is missing?
“And it's that we're all battling fear
Oh dear, I don't know if we know why we're here
Oh my,
Too deep
Please stop thinking
I liked it better when my car had sound”
My eyes widen.
My breath hitches.
My heart drops into my stomach.
I don’t hesitate to turn on the emergency lights and pull over.
“Why…?”
That wasn’t Tyler Joseph’s voice that I just heard.
What is missing?
“Fuckin’ why?!”
That was Tyler Carter’s voice that I just heard.
…Who is missing?
My head is in overdrive as I grip at my hair.
I can’t stop hearing his voice, singing along to those familiar lyrics.
“And I will try with every rhyme
To come across like I am dying
To let you know you need to try to think”
It feels like it’s been forever since he had sung along to those familiar lyrics.
I can’t stop seeing him in the passenger’s seat, tapping his hands along to the beat.
I can’t stop seeing him: laughing, talking, smiling.
“Smiling…”
Blaring…
“You always had that damned, goofy smile on your face…!”
Blaring.
“You literally smiled every fuckin’ day! Almost every minute, even!”
Blaring!
“You fuckin’ smiled…”
BLARING.
“…even when you were FUCKIN’ DYING!”
BLARING!
CRASHING!
SHATTERING!
CRUSHING!
SCREAMING!
…
Silence.
My body is shaking.
My heart is racing inside my stomach.
The tears wouldn’t stop falling.
“…I can’t do it.”
Silence, save for the sound vehicles speeding down the highway.
“…I can’t visit you, Tyler. I can’t…”
I don’t bother to wipe the tears away.
“I can’t bear to see that fuckin’ gravestone with your name on it…!”
Ragged breaths. Ugly sobs.
“…I can only imagine what you think of me. ‘What kind of guy doesn’t even show up to his own boyfriend’s funeral?’”
My hands tremble.
"Do I even deserve to visit you? I'm the one that caused it, right? I'm the reason you're...Just because I zoned out for a second...!"
Inhale. Exhale.
“Maybe you’re up there telling me to get a fuckin’ grip and stop being a dick to everyone. Maybe…”
Inhale. Exhale.
“Maybe you were telling me to cry, scream, punch something, let out some sort of emotion, basically telling me to listen to Sky, since he’s right half of the damn time.”
I let out a sad laugh as I wipe away my tears.
“Well, here I am…a sobbing, fuckin’ mess that’s missing you and my damn radio.”
I put the truck into ‘Drive’ and signal left.
And even though I was driving away from his resting place,
I could still hear his voice, loud and clear.
“I ponder of something great
My lungs will fill and then deflate
They fill with fire
Exhale desire
I know it's dire
My time today”
“I have these thoughts
So often I ought
To replace that slot
With what I once bought
'Cause somebody stole
My car radio
And now I just sit in silence”
♠ ♠ ♠
Hi lovelies~I guess I'm a little late to the twenty one pilots train, but I like them. c:
That's all, really...
Hope you enjoyed this little "Feels" trip!
- Sasha <3