Eccedentesiast
Looking For Answers
In a time of crisis, our bodies have one of two reactions; fight or flight. No matter how big or small, one of those enters our mind. Growing up, I was always the one to fight. When I was in the fourth grade, I was being bullied because of my size. I weighed a solid 45 pounds with a wet t-shirt on. But one day, I got sick of her knocking my lunch trays out of my hands, so I punched her in the nose. The rest of my adolescent life was pretty much the same, so why was it that I was now 26, and in a time of crisis, I chose to flee?
Sometimes I really hated myself and the choices that I decided to make. I always tried to go with the quickest solution instead of really thinking things through, and it was coming back to bite me in the ass.
"You kissed Jackson?" Meredith was the last person I thought I'd be going to for advice, but I figured I was going to get nothing but an "I told you so" from Lexie, and that was the last thing I needed. I needed an unbiased opinion. Meredith didn't know me or Jackson very well, and majority of the time she was too caught up in her own situation to pay attention to anyone else's. She was the safest person to talk to right now.
"Yes."
"And now you're avoiding him." It wasn't intentional at first. I just got scared when I saw him and escaped into a patient's room.
"Sort of."
"Why?"
"Because I'm not entirely sure how I feel? I thought that kissing him would open my eyes, you know? I thought it would be like those dumbass movies where I'd have a revelation or something, but I just got even more confused." I dropped my head onto the counter, banging it a few times before I sat up. Why couldn't I catch a break?
"Have you told him that?" I didn't know how to tell him without him taking it the wrong way. It was bad enough that I let him kiss me. I didn't know what he was expecting out of me now.
"Not exactly."
"You should probably start with that." She was right, but how do you have a conversation when you're not even sure what the conversation is going to consist of? Would he be upset that I was still confused? Did he already think I was his girlfriend? "I can literally see your brain going a mile a minute. Relax. Just tell him that you need time to figure things out. He has to understand that. You're not saying no. You're just telling him to wait."
"But I've made him wait long enough." Even though it wasn't intentional, and I had told him to move on, I knew that he was still waiting for me to get my shit together, and that made all of this worse.
"Avoiding him is making him wait, too. He's just waiting without an explanation. So go find him. Go tell him what's going on in your head, and stop being an ass. I have to get ready for surgery." I wanted an unbiased opinion, and I certainly got one. I sighed walking away from the nurses station to find Jackson.
"You look like you could use something to do." Out of all the days that I should have been in the OR, I was stuck on labs. I'd honestly rather be in the clinic. At least it would keep me busy.
"Labs are backed up." Bailey was my favorite attending. She was a hard ass, but other than Shepherd and Arizona, I learned the most from her.
"I have a tumor resection. You can scrub in."
"Yes!" She shook her head, handing me the chart.
"Prep the patient. He still needs his round of pre op antibiotics, but he's allergic to penicillin so give him clindamycin instead of cefazolin."
"Got it. Thank you, Dr. Bailey." I opened the patient's chart, reading over the information so I didn't look like a complete idiot in surgery.
"You've been avoiding me again." I squealed when an arm wrapped around my waist, dragging me into an empty on call room. I smacked at the person's shoulders, relaxing when I saw that it was Jackson.
"Shit! You can't do that." I took a couple of deep breaths, placing my hand over my heart while he snickered at me. I didn't find it entertaining that he damn near gave me a heart attack because he wanted to be childish. I hit him again for good measure before I reached for the door handle.
"Sorry, but I didn't know what else to do. You're back to running from me." He crossed his arms over his chest, leaning against the door to let me know that I wasn't allowed to leave until we talked, but I didn't know what I was supposed to say to him.
"Jackson, as much as I want to have this conversation right now, which is, if we're being honest, not a lot, I'm scrubbing in on Bailey's tumor resection, and I have to go prep the patient." He didn't move. He just continued to stare. I could tell there was a lot that he wanted to say, and he didn't know where to start.
"Before you run....again, can I ask you something?"
"Sure." I was nervous for the question, but the only way out was to answer it.
"Are we going back to just being friends? Because if we are, don't drag this out." The disappointed look on his face was enough to make me feel like shit. I knew I shouldn't have kissed him.
"No. That's not why I've been avoiding you. Look, when we kissed, I thought it would clear things up. I was already unsure about this, and I thought that if I kissed you, the smoke would clear and I would be able to make a decision, but it didn't help. It made it worse, and I don't want you to take that the wrong way. You're perfect, God, you're perfect, and yet you're not. You're cocky. You're an ass. You intentionally piss me off. But then you're hilarious, and you're gorgeous, and you're obviously smart otherwise you wouldn't be a doctor. And my mom loves you, so that's a bonus. I just....can you just give me a minute to think things through? I'm just asking for a little more time." He was smirking now, and I wanted to smack him. This wasn't the time to be smug.
"I said it a few months ago, and I'm going to say it again. You dig me." I rolled my eyes and pushed his shoulder.
"See? You're an ass." He laughed, wrapping his arms around my shoulders.
"I get it. You need some time to figure out that you're totally into me. I'll wait." He leaned down to kiss me, once again clouding my judgment.
"See, you can't do that. If you're going to give me time, that means give me time. No random kisses or pulling me into on call rooms to talk. I'll stop avoiding you, but you have to hold up your end of bargain, okay?" I felt like this was going to be a disaster before he even agreed, but I couldn't change my mind now.
"Okay." I just hoped this would work.
***
Sometimes I really hated myself and the choices that I decided to make. I always tried to go with the quickest solution instead of really thinking things through, and it was coming back to bite me in the ass.
"You kissed Jackson?" Meredith was the last person I thought I'd be going to for advice, but I figured I was going to get nothing but an "I told you so" from Lexie, and that was the last thing I needed. I needed an unbiased opinion. Meredith didn't know me or Jackson very well, and majority of the time she was too caught up in her own situation to pay attention to anyone else's. She was the safest person to talk to right now.
"Yes."
"And now you're avoiding him." It wasn't intentional at first. I just got scared when I saw him and escaped into a patient's room.
"Sort of."
"Why?"
"Because I'm not entirely sure how I feel? I thought that kissing him would open my eyes, you know? I thought it would be like those dumbass movies where I'd have a revelation or something, but I just got even more confused." I dropped my head onto the counter, banging it a few times before I sat up. Why couldn't I catch a break?
"Have you told him that?" I didn't know how to tell him without him taking it the wrong way. It was bad enough that I let him kiss me. I didn't know what he was expecting out of me now.
"Not exactly."
"You should probably start with that." She was right, but how do you have a conversation when you're not even sure what the conversation is going to consist of? Would he be upset that I was still confused? Did he already think I was his girlfriend? "I can literally see your brain going a mile a minute. Relax. Just tell him that you need time to figure things out. He has to understand that. You're not saying no. You're just telling him to wait."
"But I've made him wait long enough." Even though it wasn't intentional, and I had told him to move on, I knew that he was still waiting for me to get my shit together, and that made all of this worse.
"Avoiding him is making him wait, too. He's just waiting without an explanation. So go find him. Go tell him what's going on in your head, and stop being an ass. I have to get ready for surgery." I wanted an unbiased opinion, and I certainly got one. I sighed walking away from the nurses station to find Jackson.
"You look like you could use something to do." Out of all the days that I should have been in the OR, I was stuck on labs. I'd honestly rather be in the clinic. At least it would keep me busy.
"Labs are backed up." Bailey was my favorite attending. She was a hard ass, but other than Shepherd and Arizona, I learned the most from her.
"I have a tumor resection. You can scrub in."
"Yes!" She shook her head, handing me the chart.
"Prep the patient. He still needs his round of pre op antibiotics, but he's allergic to penicillin so give him clindamycin instead of cefazolin."
"Got it. Thank you, Dr. Bailey." I opened the patient's chart, reading over the information so I didn't look like a complete idiot in surgery.
"You've been avoiding me again." I squealed when an arm wrapped around my waist, dragging me into an empty on call room. I smacked at the person's shoulders, relaxing when I saw that it was Jackson.
"Shit! You can't do that." I took a couple of deep breaths, placing my hand over my heart while he snickered at me. I didn't find it entertaining that he damn near gave me a heart attack because he wanted to be childish. I hit him again for good measure before I reached for the door handle.
"Sorry, but I didn't know what else to do. You're back to running from me." He crossed his arms over his chest, leaning against the door to let me know that I wasn't allowed to leave until we talked, but I didn't know what I was supposed to say to him.
"Jackson, as much as I want to have this conversation right now, which is, if we're being honest, not a lot, I'm scrubbing in on Bailey's tumor resection, and I have to go prep the patient." He didn't move. He just continued to stare. I could tell there was a lot that he wanted to say, and he didn't know where to start.
"Before you run....again, can I ask you something?"
"Sure." I was nervous for the question, but the only way out was to answer it.
"Are we going back to just being friends? Because if we are, don't drag this out." The disappointed look on his face was enough to make me feel like shit. I knew I shouldn't have kissed him.
"No. That's not why I've been avoiding you. Look, when we kissed, I thought it would clear things up. I was already unsure about this, and I thought that if I kissed you, the smoke would clear and I would be able to make a decision, but it didn't help. It made it worse, and I don't want you to take that the wrong way. You're perfect, God, you're perfect, and yet you're not. You're cocky. You're an ass. You intentionally piss me off. But then you're hilarious, and you're gorgeous, and you're obviously smart otherwise you wouldn't be a doctor. And my mom loves you, so that's a bonus. I just....can you just give me a minute to think things through? I'm just asking for a little more time." He was smirking now, and I wanted to smack him. This wasn't the time to be smug.
"I said it a few months ago, and I'm going to say it again. You dig me." I rolled my eyes and pushed his shoulder.
"See? You're an ass." He laughed, wrapping his arms around my shoulders.
"I get it. You need some time to figure out that you're totally into me. I'll wait." He leaned down to kiss me, once again clouding my judgment.
"See, you can't do that. If you're going to give me time, that means give me time. No random kisses or pulling me into on call rooms to talk. I'll stop avoiding you, but you have to hold up your end of bargain, okay?" I felt like this was going to be a disaster before he even agreed, but I couldn't change my mind now.
"Okay." I just hoped this would work.