Eccedentesiast

"I fear oblivion," he said without a moment's pause. "I fear it like the proverbial blind man who's afraid of the dark." - Augustus Waters

The beautiful words of John Green frequently bounced around in my head. I was afraid of oblivion. I was afraid of not being remembered. I was afraid of living my life and having nothing to show for it. I wasn't afraid of a lot of things, but oblivion was one of them. There was only one thing I feared more.....falling in love.



I hated taking care of comatose patients more than anything. It was frustrating. I understood that not everyone was meant to wake up. Some lived their lives and decided not to fight. Others had injuries that were too far gone to be fixed. Either way it went, watching comatose patients sit there like vegetables was depressing.

"I thought you were off?" I looked up, my eyes meeting Jackson's. After our last conversation, he'd taken to avoiding me completely, something I was grateful for and sad about all at the same time. I missed having him as a friend. The situation we were in now was what I was trying to avoid from the beginning, and it happened anyway.

"Yeah, I am. I just...Do you think she got to do everything she wanted?" The girl that had been laying in the bed for the last twelve hours couldn't be more than 25. She'd been in a freak accident and had been unconscious since she arrived at the hospital. She was only going to be under observation for a few more hours before Dr. Shepherd declared her brain dead. Her family had already been contacted, and we'd have to ask if they were willing to donate her organs.

"Considering the reason she ended up here, it seems like she lived a pretty full life. Why do you ask?" He leaned against the wall, crossing his arms over his chest. He looked just as tired as I felt, but I didn't think it was my place to ask him what was wrong anymore.

"Well, we're in the same age group. I look at my life, and I realize that I spent majority of it in school. I mean, I went to football games and basketball games. I got to experience homecoming and prom, but that's it. College was filled with books. Medical school was just more books. I've only had one serious relationship, and that ended in disaster. Sometimes I wonder if I died tomorrow, would I be happy with what I've accomplished? I'm a doctor. I'm on my way to being a surgeon, but I'm not happy. I'm not sure I've ever really known what true happiness feels like." I hated when my brain started to roam. I didn't like getting so deep in my thoughts. One of the perks of working in a hospital was that there was always something to do. There wasn't much time to think about anything that didn't have to do with medicine.

"Why did you become a doctor?"

"Because I'm a neurotic human being with a touch of OCD, and science keeps me calm." It was the first time I'd ever told someone the real reason. Most of the time when people asked, I blamed my family. I came from a long line of doctors, and it felt like a bit of a legacy, but if I really wanted to, I could have chosen a different career path. But majority of my middle and high school years, I was plagued with anxiety. Science took my mind off of everything else. There was so much to learn. With math, the basics are the same. With history, there's only so much to learn, and it gets repetitive after a while. There's not much to learn where English is concerned. With science, there were always new discoveries, something new to learn.

"I wasn't expecting that answer." Jackson chuckled, taking a couple of steps toward me. "Ariana, I'm sorry." I glanced up at him, raising my eyebrows in confusion.

"For what?"

"I pushed you. Things were fine the way they were, and I was being selfish. I'm not going to act like I don't have feelings for you, but I do miss having you around. So can we please mend whatever friendship we have left? I'm getting sick of listening to Percy talk." My shoulders sagged with relief, and I smiled, wrapping my arms around him.

"Yes. Friendship mended." I felt a little lighter now that we'd cleared the air.

"Great. Do you want to go get something to eat? I'm starving." I opened my mouth to respond when Sloan appeared in the doorway.

"There you are. You ready to go?" I looked between the two of them, realizing just how messy this all could get. I'd completely forgotten that I agreed to go home with Sloan. Why I continued sleeping with him, I had no idea. I knew it wasn't smart.

"Uhm....yeah. Rain check?" I asked, turning back to Jackson. He was trying to hide the disapproving look on his face, and I gave him an apologetic smile.

"Yeah. I'll see you tomorrow." I nodded and stepped out into the hall, walking with Sloan back to the locker room so that I could change.



"Lexie, can I ask you a question?" I was trying to make a decision, but every time I thought I had my mind made up, something always made me rethink it.

"Finally. I was starting to wonder if you were just keeping me around for show." Sometimes I felt bad for her. It was obvious that majority of the residents found her annoying. She had her moments where she was slightly overbearing, but other than that, she wasn't completely horrible to be around.

"Not funny. But do you think sleeping with Mark is a bad idea?" By this point, we'd been figured out. Meredith caught us in an on call room once, and the news spread like wildfire after that. The attendings were all giving me awkward looks, but I wasn't going to let it affect my work.

"Do you want an actual answer or the inner teenage girl answer?"

"Give me both." Weighing my options wasn't proving to be effective. Sleeping with him was a great stress reliever, but I knew it could lead to problems in the future. Was I supposed to quit while I was ahead and go back to being frigid?

"I mean, have you looked at him? I'm sure half the women in the hospital are jealous of you." I had been getting particularly nasty looks for the nurses, but I never paid them too much attention. If they weren't going to respect me, why did I need to respect them?

"Half the women in the hospital have already slept with him." I threw my plate on top of the pizza box, sighing and resting my back against the couch.

"All the more reason why you shouldn't be sleeping with him, but you know...there's his face. Honestly, I'm one of the worst people to ask. He's an attending, but I can't knock you for doing it. But what about Jackson?" That was the last thing I thought she was going to ask about, and I really didn't have an answer for her.

"What about him?"

"Come on, Ariana. Everyone in the hospital can see that he's into you. He's also the more sensible option in this situation. So remind me again why you guys aren't together?" That was the golden question that everyone wanted an answer to, but I didn't owe anyone anything.

"Because I don't want to be in a relationship right now. With Mark, it's not a relationship. It's sex. Jackson wants to be together, and I'm not in the right headspace for that." I was thankful for whoever decided to knock on my door because I was tired of having this conversation. I'd finally stopped having it with Jackson, but everyone else decided that they wanted to continue being nosy. Seattle Grace Mercy West Hospital was like high school all over again. Everyone wanted to know the latest gossip. "What are you doing here?" I wasn't expecting to see Mark standing there. He hadn't called, and I knew for a fact that we hadn't made any plans to see each other. Today was my day off, and all I wanted was pizza and stupid movies.

"I thought I would make you dinner." I often wondered what he did with his free time. He always seemed to pop up when I didn't want him around. It was like he had a radar.

"You could have called or something," I muttered, stepping to the side to let him in. Lexie was already putting on her shoes, knowing that Sloan was more than likely going to ask her to leave.

"Where's the fun in that?" I rolled my eyes as he pulled out various ingredients, spreading them across my kitchen counter.

"Hey, I'm gonna head out. I'll see you at the hospital." I waved, sighing in frustration when the door shut behind her.

"Mark, what's going on? We don't do this. You know the drill. We have a free minute, you take off your pants. You're not supposed to be showing up at my apartment to cook me dinner." He ignored me, rummaging through my cabinets and drawers for the things that he needed. "I just had pizza. I'm not even hungry. You're wasting your time." I leaned against the counter, watching as he continued doing what he was before I spoke.

"I think we should try this for real." I groaned, dropping my head against the granite. Would I ever catch a break?

"Absolutely not. I know you understand this situation better than anyone. We're sleeping together. I have no plans of dating you or anyone for that matter. You are here to scratch an itch, and that is it." I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but I figured Mark didn't have any, so he was my best bet. Yet here he was, asking to move our situation in direction I was not prepared to go in.

"You're cold-hearted, you know that?" He smirked, his eyes twinkling. I recognized that look. Maybe sex would distract him.

"I've been told." I reached for the bottom of my shirt, pulling it over my head and tossing it behind me.

"Having sex in the kitchen is unsanitary," he said as I reached for his belt buckle. I smirked and shrugged, pulling the leather from his belt loops.

"Then maybe we should move this into the bedroom."