Letter to My Dearest Friend
Broken Promises
So, my best friend of 11 years died on sep. 21st of 2009. A year later, it felt like the time had been 56748485 years without him. I felt like i was completely broken. Meanwhile i was in a sexual relationship with another boy who tore me to shreds emotionally for a long time. If i could say one thing the sex was amazing... and an amazing escape that i needed... but deep down i knew that he didn't care. I pretended and i think in that process i actually believed it in the ed... which is why when he dissapeared that week and i never heard from him again i felt all types of broken. I felt abandoned. Everyone abandons me for what it seems to look like and how it always goes. I've been abadoned but yet another as i write this too but thats a story for another day.
I remember the last time we spent time together.he hit my phone up at around 11 at night to come hang out for a bit. I said yes and so i waited. We were in my room just listening to music really just singing along to the songs we felt i guess connected us. We loved the same bands. My favorite songs were his favorite songs and the time just kept going by. I knew you had a girlfriend but what girlfriend had you NOT cheated on. Well you leaned in for the kiss... and my heart was pumping because for a long time you were just a friend... even after all we had been through you were my friend. One of my closest friends because when i was sad or mad or upset i could call you and you knew how to turn my frown upside down and we would end up talking for hours. You hesitated but kept going in the end.
And then there was the last time... I always slept with my window open halfway but this night i left in closed. It was probably around 2 AM and i woke up to someone trying to open my window and i was just paralized by fear and all of a sudden i see that its him. And i just felt.. relieved for one thing because it was not an axe murderer and simply because it was him. I let him in and he just started to kiss me. Things led to another and clothes were off and i was trying to keep as quiet as possible so my parents dident hear.
When it was over we laid there. I was in his arms and he was stroking my hair and we just talked for a little then just drifted off to sleep.
In the morning he left early as usual. 6 in the morning and he kissed me. we walked up to the door and i just looked at him. i put my head on his chest and said "don't forget about me.." He grbbed me from my chin and tilted my head up so that i was looking at him and he stared right into my eyes with this look i still cant forget to this day. so sincere and so loving and soft. He then whispered "ofcourse i won't. i love you." He laughed a little kissed me and he left.
I felt so amazing because I had waited so long to hear those words from him. We had been on and off again but in the end he had always come back to me. But that was the last time i saw him. At least us being on good terms cause i did see him months later but because it turns out the person i started dating knows him and we had such an awkward encounter.
I do not understand how cold he could be. But it happened. I wish so many times to this day that it would have never happened. Not because I loved him but because he became one of my closest friends and i hate feeling abandoned. After losing my best friend to him killing himself i HATED the feeling of being abandoned. I HATE broken promises.
I remember the last time we spent time together.he hit my phone up at around 11 at night to come hang out for a bit. I said yes and so i waited. We were in my room just listening to music really just singing along to the songs we felt i guess connected us. We loved the same bands. My favorite songs were his favorite songs and the time just kept going by. I knew you had a girlfriend but what girlfriend had you NOT cheated on. Well you leaned in for the kiss... and my heart was pumping because for a long time you were just a friend... even after all we had been through you were my friend. One of my closest friends because when i was sad or mad or upset i could call you and you knew how to turn my frown upside down and we would end up talking for hours. You hesitated but kept going in the end.
And then there was the last time... I always slept with my window open halfway but this night i left in closed. It was probably around 2 AM and i woke up to someone trying to open my window and i was just paralized by fear and all of a sudden i see that its him. And i just felt.. relieved for one thing because it was not an axe murderer and simply because it was him. I let him in and he just started to kiss me. Things led to another and clothes were off and i was trying to keep as quiet as possible so my parents dident hear.
When it was over we laid there. I was in his arms and he was stroking my hair and we just talked for a little then just drifted off to sleep.
In the morning he left early as usual. 6 in the morning and he kissed me. we walked up to the door and i just looked at him. i put my head on his chest and said "don't forget about me.." He grbbed me from my chin and tilted my head up so that i was looking at him and he stared right into my eyes with this look i still cant forget to this day. so sincere and so loving and soft. He then whispered "ofcourse i won't. i love you." He laughed a little kissed me and he left.
I felt so amazing because I had waited so long to hear those words from him. We had been on and off again but in the end he had always come back to me. But that was the last time i saw him. At least us being on good terms cause i did see him months later but because it turns out the person i started dating knows him and we had such an awkward encounter.
I do not understand how cold he could be. But it happened. I wish so many times to this day that it would have never happened. Not because I loved him but because he became one of my closest friends and i hate feeling abandoned. After losing my best friend to him killing himself i HATED the feeling of being abandoned. I HATE broken promises.