Don't Forget to Be the Way You Are
Ten
Brian couldn’t get his argument with Stefan off his mind. He wanted to be angry with him still, but he knew Stefan to be a man that never set out to intentionally harm others, and figured there was great care placed behind his intrusive questioning earlier. He decided instead to be annoyed at himself for being so transparent. Of course Stefan could tell that he was developing less than desirable feelings for Amelie and this had struck fear into his mind. Did this mean Amelie could tell, too? His head was hurting from trying to determine how likely it was that she knew how he felt. He wasn’t even all that sure himself. Well, he knew he was falling for her, but he was still pretty sure he could walk away unharmed at this point.
Brian wanted to laugh at how high he’d jumped in his seat as he heard a knock at his door, though managed to suppress it out of the fear of sounding crazy to the person on the other side. He got up from his place on the couch and tip-toed up to look through the peephole before he answered, just in case it was Stefan, though he knew he would have been at Marc’s parents’ place by now. Standing on the other side of the door was Amelie, of all people, holding what looked like the food Stefan had prepared for him earlier in her shaking hands.
She was inside like a breeze the instant he’d opened the door to her, her laughter filling his walls and her perfume clouding his mind.
“It’s absolutely freezing out there. Like you wouldn’t believe!” Brian was having a hard time getting past his own thoughts, trying to figure her out, like that was at all possible from just staring at her. “Stefan told me to bring you this,” she said, passing the microwavable tupperwear to Brian.
“Did he tell you anything else?” Brian asked, almost afraid he’d said too much.
“He said you two had a fight… He said to tell you that he’s sorry, and that it really was none of his business? He wouldn’t explain what he meant so I hope that makes sense to you.”
“Thanks.” Brian stood with Amelie across from him for a moment, wondering what to do next and eternally thankful to Stefan for saying no more than what was necessary. “Did you want to share this with me? He always gives me far too much. It’s like he thinks I’ll starve, or something.”
“Well, he has a point to worry about you,” she replied, coming closer to poke Brian in the ribs. He withdrew from her touch with a less than manly giggle escaping his lips. “Skin and bone, Brian.” No, he thought to himself, he really wasn’t. And he could say that because he recalled back in the day when he had been skin and bone for too long a while, almost having enjoyed the sickly look of his ribcage protruding from his chest as it had in the end. He was looking after himself now, for the most part. “I’d love to join you for dinner.”
As per usual, Stefan’s food tasted amazing, even after being reheated in the microwave. Brian had made some rice to go with it, just to bulk their meals up a little. He wasn’t sure how hungry Amelie had been, though was glad for having cooked extra as he saw sitting across from him that she’d cleaned her plate. He was still picking at his food as she swirled an ice cube around in the bottom of her glass when he took the initiative to speak, and ask those dreaded questions he really would rather not hear the answers to. But he felt it was time. He couldn’t keep her in a particular place in his mind forever; he had to actually get to know her, as painful as it might be to learn that she’d changed from the person she once had been.
“So how long have you actually been back in London? Was America not working out as you’d dreamed?” Amelie sighed, resting her chin on the palm of her hand as she brought her elbows up to rest on the table top.
“I got a part in one movie. One, Brian. And then they told me I was too… well I wasn’t willing to take my clothes off for fame, let’s put it that way.”
“Why would they ask you to do that?”
“They didn’t ask. They don’t ask. It’s in the contracts. It’s… well it’s expected, with me being the 20-something year old woman I was, and new in the industry. I wasn’t willing to take a chance and end up in a trashy film as some half-naked bimbo. My parents were expecting so much more from me.”
“Do you still see them?”
“My mum, yes. My father passed away last April.”
“I’m so sorry…” Amelie shrugged.
“We were distant, as you can imagine. I came back to London about 10 years ago once I finally realised I wasn’t going to make it onto the big screen. He wasn’t exactly thrilled to see me. He never quite forgave me for flushing all his tuition money down the toilet when I quit acting.” Brian got up to clear their plates and started making them some coffee. “What about you? Do you still see your parents?”
“On tour. We’re not all that close, either.” Amelie smiled.
“It’s nice that dreams have come true for one of us. Is it all you imagined it to be? The band, touring, making music?” Brian had to think about that for a while. He poured their coffee and brought the mugs back to the table, sitting back down across from Amelie. She was still awaiting his reply.
“It’s lonely. I… I never expected it’d be so lonely. You’re surrounded by people on tour; people you spend far too much time with and others that are complete strangers who you put all your trust in, and then there’s the fans that want so much of you. But then you get back home and it’s almost too quiet. You start to wish you’d invested more time in your relationships.” Brian muttered that last part, aware of how stupid he must sound to Amelie, the first of those he’d left behind.
“So you don’t have a partner then. I mean… you don’t appear to live with anyone else…” Amelie looked around a little. Brian blushed at the mess he realised he was living in.
“I tend to fuck everything up with everyone.” Each of his failed relationships flashed in his mind. “I love too deeply then get scared and push people away. I can’t even begin to describe it.”
“You need reassurance.”
“Exactly.”
“I’m much the same way.” Brian swallowed the lump that had been forming in his throat. He simply had to ask her now if she had anyone of her own, but why was it so hard? Why did he care so much? Why was the idea of her being happily with another enough to make Brian’s stomach turn? He couldn’t ask her such a thing, at least so directly.
“At least I never had any kids. That would have been unnecessarily complicated. Did you? Have kids?” Immediately, Brian wanted to take his question back. A distraught look crossed Amelie’s face in a wave of emotion that left her with tears in her eyes. “Shit, I’m so sorry.” Brian didn’t know exactly what was wrong just that something was, and that he had brought it up. Amelie shook her head as if to tell him it was okay.
“No, no it’s fine. I’m infertile. I found out about 8 years ago and it ruined my life.” Brian was taken aback by the bluntness of her words.
“I–”
“Really, Brian, it’s okay.” But somehow Brian couldn’t bring himself to believe that as she wiped a tear away with her napkin. “I’ve learnt to deal with the idea that I can’t have kids and I’m fine with it...”
“But your partner isn’t.” Brian was surprised that he’d come to that realisation all by himself. His heart began to pound painfully in his chest as he waited for her to deny it, but her face crumbled just moments later, confirming his thoughts.
“I broke down in front of Stefan a few months ago, right after his dinner party. He suggested that Derek and I go to couples therapy. We’ve been separated for a while now, with him having moved out. I thought it might help.” She paused for a moment to take a few deep breaths, more tears spilling from her eyes. Brian took a moment to get her a glass of water, being met with a faint smile as he handed the glass to her. “But yesterday, he didn’t show up. I got a call last night that this was it; he doesn’t want to try anymore. I’m too much trouble and he’s found someone younger. Someone more fitting…” Brian was too angry to reply. He couldn’t imagine how anything could be more important to a man than the love of this woman right in front of him. And she’d given him that, yet it still hadn’t been enough. “I was at Stefan’s all last night and I feel horrible because he was too kind to push me away, to tell me to come back in the morning with a clear head and a new perspective.”
“Stefan would never do that to anyone. It’s his fault, not ours.” Brian could recall many an early morning spent crying to Stefan, be it over the phone or at his apartment, just bawling his eyes out because his heart hurt too much to bear. He was somewhat surprised when Amelie leaned over to cry into his shoulder at that moment, pushing his hair out of her face so she could feel the skin of his neck against her cheek. He tensed as he felt a pair of soft lips press right against his pulse, just briefly, just as they used to.
That had been too much. Memories of sad nights and beaches and bright stars came rushing back to Brian. He held her close and let her cry into him, but he couldn’t let her in like that again.
Brian wanted to laugh at how high he’d jumped in his seat as he heard a knock at his door, though managed to suppress it out of the fear of sounding crazy to the person on the other side. He got up from his place on the couch and tip-toed up to look through the peephole before he answered, just in case it was Stefan, though he knew he would have been at Marc’s parents’ place by now. Standing on the other side of the door was Amelie, of all people, holding what looked like the food Stefan had prepared for him earlier in her shaking hands.
She was inside like a breeze the instant he’d opened the door to her, her laughter filling his walls and her perfume clouding his mind.
“It’s absolutely freezing out there. Like you wouldn’t believe!” Brian was having a hard time getting past his own thoughts, trying to figure her out, like that was at all possible from just staring at her. “Stefan told me to bring you this,” she said, passing the microwavable tupperwear to Brian.
“Did he tell you anything else?” Brian asked, almost afraid he’d said too much.
“He said you two had a fight… He said to tell you that he’s sorry, and that it really was none of his business? He wouldn’t explain what he meant so I hope that makes sense to you.”
“Thanks.” Brian stood with Amelie across from him for a moment, wondering what to do next and eternally thankful to Stefan for saying no more than what was necessary. “Did you want to share this with me? He always gives me far too much. It’s like he thinks I’ll starve, or something.”
“Well, he has a point to worry about you,” she replied, coming closer to poke Brian in the ribs. He withdrew from her touch with a less than manly giggle escaping his lips. “Skin and bone, Brian.” No, he thought to himself, he really wasn’t. And he could say that because he recalled back in the day when he had been skin and bone for too long a while, almost having enjoyed the sickly look of his ribcage protruding from his chest as it had in the end. He was looking after himself now, for the most part. “I’d love to join you for dinner.”
As per usual, Stefan’s food tasted amazing, even after being reheated in the microwave. Brian had made some rice to go with it, just to bulk their meals up a little. He wasn’t sure how hungry Amelie had been, though was glad for having cooked extra as he saw sitting across from him that she’d cleaned her plate. He was still picking at his food as she swirled an ice cube around in the bottom of her glass when he took the initiative to speak, and ask those dreaded questions he really would rather not hear the answers to. But he felt it was time. He couldn’t keep her in a particular place in his mind forever; he had to actually get to know her, as painful as it might be to learn that she’d changed from the person she once had been.
“So how long have you actually been back in London? Was America not working out as you’d dreamed?” Amelie sighed, resting her chin on the palm of her hand as she brought her elbows up to rest on the table top.
“I got a part in one movie. One, Brian. And then they told me I was too… well I wasn’t willing to take my clothes off for fame, let’s put it that way.”
“Why would they ask you to do that?”
“They didn’t ask. They don’t ask. It’s in the contracts. It’s… well it’s expected, with me being the 20-something year old woman I was, and new in the industry. I wasn’t willing to take a chance and end up in a trashy film as some half-naked bimbo. My parents were expecting so much more from me.”
“Do you still see them?”
“My mum, yes. My father passed away last April.”
“I’m so sorry…” Amelie shrugged.
“We were distant, as you can imagine. I came back to London about 10 years ago once I finally realised I wasn’t going to make it onto the big screen. He wasn’t exactly thrilled to see me. He never quite forgave me for flushing all his tuition money down the toilet when I quit acting.” Brian got up to clear their plates and started making them some coffee. “What about you? Do you still see your parents?”
“On tour. We’re not all that close, either.” Amelie smiled.
“It’s nice that dreams have come true for one of us. Is it all you imagined it to be? The band, touring, making music?” Brian had to think about that for a while. He poured their coffee and brought the mugs back to the table, sitting back down across from Amelie. She was still awaiting his reply.
“It’s lonely. I… I never expected it’d be so lonely. You’re surrounded by people on tour; people you spend far too much time with and others that are complete strangers who you put all your trust in, and then there’s the fans that want so much of you. But then you get back home and it’s almost too quiet. You start to wish you’d invested more time in your relationships.” Brian muttered that last part, aware of how stupid he must sound to Amelie, the first of those he’d left behind.
“So you don’t have a partner then. I mean… you don’t appear to live with anyone else…” Amelie looked around a little. Brian blushed at the mess he realised he was living in.
“I tend to fuck everything up with everyone.” Each of his failed relationships flashed in his mind. “I love too deeply then get scared and push people away. I can’t even begin to describe it.”
“You need reassurance.”
“Exactly.”
“I’m much the same way.” Brian swallowed the lump that had been forming in his throat. He simply had to ask her now if she had anyone of her own, but why was it so hard? Why did he care so much? Why was the idea of her being happily with another enough to make Brian’s stomach turn? He couldn’t ask her such a thing, at least so directly.
“At least I never had any kids. That would have been unnecessarily complicated. Did you? Have kids?” Immediately, Brian wanted to take his question back. A distraught look crossed Amelie’s face in a wave of emotion that left her with tears in her eyes. “Shit, I’m so sorry.” Brian didn’t know exactly what was wrong just that something was, and that he had brought it up. Amelie shook her head as if to tell him it was okay.
“No, no it’s fine. I’m infertile. I found out about 8 years ago and it ruined my life.” Brian was taken aback by the bluntness of her words.
“I–”
“Really, Brian, it’s okay.” But somehow Brian couldn’t bring himself to believe that as she wiped a tear away with her napkin. “I’ve learnt to deal with the idea that I can’t have kids and I’m fine with it...”
“But your partner isn’t.” Brian was surprised that he’d come to that realisation all by himself. His heart began to pound painfully in his chest as he waited for her to deny it, but her face crumbled just moments later, confirming his thoughts.
“I broke down in front of Stefan a few months ago, right after his dinner party. He suggested that Derek and I go to couples therapy. We’ve been separated for a while now, with him having moved out. I thought it might help.” She paused for a moment to take a few deep breaths, more tears spilling from her eyes. Brian took a moment to get her a glass of water, being met with a faint smile as he handed the glass to her. “But yesterday, he didn’t show up. I got a call last night that this was it; he doesn’t want to try anymore. I’m too much trouble and he’s found someone younger. Someone more fitting…” Brian was too angry to reply. He couldn’t imagine how anything could be more important to a man than the love of this woman right in front of him. And she’d given him that, yet it still hadn’t been enough. “I was at Stefan’s all last night and I feel horrible because he was too kind to push me away, to tell me to come back in the morning with a clear head and a new perspective.”
“Stefan would never do that to anyone. It’s his fault, not ours.” Brian could recall many an early morning spent crying to Stefan, be it over the phone or at his apartment, just bawling his eyes out because his heart hurt too much to bear. He was somewhat surprised when Amelie leaned over to cry into his shoulder at that moment, pushing his hair out of her face so she could feel the skin of his neck against her cheek. He tensed as he felt a pair of soft lips press right against his pulse, just briefly, just as they used to.
That had been too much. Memories of sad nights and beaches and bright stars came rushing back to Brian. He held her close and let her cry into him, but he couldn’t let her in like that again.