Don't Forget to Be the Way You Are
Fourteen
Brian was clasping anxiously at his sides as he sat in Stefan's lounge room, feeling like the couch was going to swallow him whole any minute... and wishing it just would already. He felt like he was about to enter an important meeting, or have a tooth pulled. But then Stefan walked back into the room with coffee and Brian's grip eased up a little, lifting one shaky hand to take the mug Stefan was now passing to him with a smile.
"So you said you wanted to show me what you were working on?" Stefan always knew to get straight down to business before Brian could change his mind and decide that whatever he had prepared was in fact not ready to be shared just yet. "Is that it?" He nodded his head towards a little notebook placed on the coffee table beside where Brian sat. Brian looked at it, then back to Stefan, then back to the book.
'Well I mean it's still very raw. I haven't made any edits just yet. These are all first drafts," Brian started to explain, gingerly picking the notebook up in his hand. "But I figured that whilst I was channelling this... uhh... character, that I might as well get as much out as I could." He handed the book to Stefan then, who placed it on the opposite coffee table beside himself. "Most of it is shit, of course. It usually is..."
"It's never shit, Brian. Just sometimes, it doesn't fit what we do." Brian nodded his head once, understanding of course, but feeling worthless all the same. They sat there for a little while in silence as they sipped at their coffee and Brian worried that Stefan would go through his writing right then and there. He wasn’t sure he could deal with that right now. He needed a way out; at the first distraction he would be gone.
“So, Amelie was around yesterday. She wanted to borrow our albums.” Brian’s eyebrows lifted in interest, and slightly out of confusion. She’d never seemed all too interested in their music in the past. She’d heard the odd song here and there at their early gigs but once Placebo had become big, Brian felt like she had been the only one that it hadn’t changed.
“Why didn’t she ask me for them?” Stefan’s lips twitched into a smile.
“Because she said she knew you wouldn’t have them. She’s right. She said you seem far too self-depreciating to bother owning any of your own records.” Brian looked away. “She knows you very well, Brian. I never realised how close you both must have been in the past.”
“Well she was my best friend.” Stefan smiled a different smile this time, one that might have said a thousand things if he’d dared to bring it up.
“How are you going, anyway?”
“Stef… I really don’t want to talk about it. I’m fine.” He emphasised that last word.
“Have you been sleeping better lately? No more falling asleep on the floor? If you haven’t eaten much today I have some leftover tuna and–”
“Stef,” Brian snapped, his eyes showing he was simply not in the mood to be fussed over, but his softening features showing he regretted having snapped.
“And how is Amelie?” Stefan changed the subject. Brian knew by the careful tone he’d used that he knew perfectly well how Amelie was. In fact, Stefan had talked to her extensively about what she was planning to do with herself just the day before… but he wasn’t sure Brian knew this.
“She seemed upset the other day. Kept checking her phone. I wish I could help her but it seems she’s still so hung up on that asshole.”
“You mean her husband, Brian.” Brian cringed internally. Had he been so transparent? Was the reason for his disdain for a man he’d never met so obvious?
“If you’d still call him that. I mean, he did give up on their therapy sessions and is fucking some chick half his age but if you wanna suggest he still loves her as a husband does then–”
“He’s been going again, occasionally. I mean he’s still seeing this other woman. I don’t suppose she knows he’s gone back to marriage counselling sessions but well…”
“I don’t understand.”
“Amelie’s in love, Brian. I suppose he is, too.”
“That’s not love. Love takes a certain commitment. Love is above all else.”
“Love is a many splendored thing?” Stefan smirked.
“He’s taking advantage of her gentle demeanour and she’s a fool.” Stefan merely shrugs. Brian feels himself growing angrier, but he can’t be sure if he’s angry over the situation or angry because his own motives are tied in with it all. Of course he doesn’t want her to get back with Derek, even if he couldn’t have her, either. He can’t even begin to make sense of that thought as it runs through his mind.
“Perhaps. But she needs to learn the hard way, I’m afraid. Neither you nor I can teach her this lesson; that she’s worth more than the value he places on her. She needs to figure that out for herself.”
“I don’t like it,” Brian finally admitted after a lengthy silence.
“Yeah, I know,” Stefan replied, placing his hand gently on Brian’s shoulder. “But we have to respect her choice to fight for him… as I’m sure she has her reasons. We all like to believe in the impossible every so often.”
And how true that was.
"So you said you wanted to show me what you were working on?" Stefan always knew to get straight down to business before Brian could change his mind and decide that whatever he had prepared was in fact not ready to be shared just yet. "Is that it?" He nodded his head towards a little notebook placed on the coffee table beside where Brian sat. Brian looked at it, then back to Stefan, then back to the book.
'Well I mean it's still very raw. I haven't made any edits just yet. These are all first drafts," Brian started to explain, gingerly picking the notebook up in his hand. "But I figured that whilst I was channelling this... uhh... character, that I might as well get as much out as I could." He handed the book to Stefan then, who placed it on the opposite coffee table beside himself. "Most of it is shit, of course. It usually is..."
"It's never shit, Brian. Just sometimes, it doesn't fit what we do." Brian nodded his head once, understanding of course, but feeling worthless all the same. They sat there for a little while in silence as they sipped at their coffee and Brian worried that Stefan would go through his writing right then and there. He wasn’t sure he could deal with that right now. He needed a way out; at the first distraction he would be gone.
“So, Amelie was around yesterday. She wanted to borrow our albums.” Brian’s eyebrows lifted in interest, and slightly out of confusion. She’d never seemed all too interested in their music in the past. She’d heard the odd song here and there at their early gigs but once Placebo had become big, Brian felt like she had been the only one that it hadn’t changed.
“Why didn’t she ask me for them?” Stefan’s lips twitched into a smile.
“Because she said she knew you wouldn’t have them. She’s right. She said you seem far too self-depreciating to bother owning any of your own records.” Brian looked away. “She knows you very well, Brian. I never realised how close you both must have been in the past.”
“Well she was my best friend.” Stefan smiled a different smile this time, one that might have said a thousand things if he’d dared to bring it up.
“How are you going, anyway?”
“Stef… I really don’t want to talk about it. I’m fine.” He emphasised that last word.
“Have you been sleeping better lately? No more falling asleep on the floor? If you haven’t eaten much today I have some leftover tuna and–”
“Stef,” Brian snapped, his eyes showing he was simply not in the mood to be fussed over, but his softening features showing he regretted having snapped.
“And how is Amelie?” Stefan changed the subject. Brian knew by the careful tone he’d used that he knew perfectly well how Amelie was. In fact, Stefan had talked to her extensively about what she was planning to do with herself just the day before… but he wasn’t sure Brian knew this.
“She seemed upset the other day. Kept checking her phone. I wish I could help her but it seems she’s still so hung up on that asshole.”
“You mean her husband, Brian.” Brian cringed internally. Had he been so transparent? Was the reason for his disdain for a man he’d never met so obvious?
“If you’d still call him that. I mean, he did give up on their therapy sessions and is fucking some chick half his age but if you wanna suggest he still loves her as a husband does then–”
“He’s been going again, occasionally. I mean he’s still seeing this other woman. I don’t suppose she knows he’s gone back to marriage counselling sessions but well…”
“I don’t understand.”
“Amelie’s in love, Brian. I suppose he is, too.”
“That’s not love. Love takes a certain commitment. Love is above all else.”
“Love is a many splendored thing?” Stefan smirked.
“He’s taking advantage of her gentle demeanour and she’s a fool.” Stefan merely shrugs. Brian feels himself growing angrier, but he can’t be sure if he’s angry over the situation or angry because his own motives are tied in with it all. Of course he doesn’t want her to get back with Derek, even if he couldn’t have her, either. He can’t even begin to make sense of that thought as it runs through his mind.
“Perhaps. But she needs to learn the hard way, I’m afraid. Neither you nor I can teach her this lesson; that she’s worth more than the value he places on her. She needs to figure that out for herself.”
“I don’t like it,” Brian finally admitted after a lengthy silence.
“Yeah, I know,” Stefan replied, placing his hand gently on Brian’s shoulder. “But we have to respect her choice to fight for him… as I’m sure she has her reasons. We all like to believe in the impossible every so often.”
And how true that was.