Don't Forget to Be the Way You Are
Sixteen
Brian wasn’t sure what time it was when he was awoken by soft footsteps in his kitchen, worried for a brief moment before he remembered that he had a visitor and not an intruder. He thought about getting up to make sure Amelie was warm enough, that the blanket was soft enough, and to offer her his bed instead of the couch, since he hadn’t had the chance to the previous night. He could still hear her walking around as he nodded back off to sleep, dreaming things he wouldn’t remember come morning.
He was sure he was still dreaming when he felt a soft hand on the bare of his chest, pushing down the bed covers to sit their body on top of his, straddling his waist, the bare of their thighs against his hips.
“Amelie?” She didn’t reply. He felt as she picked up his hands and played with his fingers for a while, stretching them out and folding them back together, before placing them back down against her sides, holding them there until they would stick on their own. Brian almost found the voice he’d lost a while ago now, losing it again as his fingers brushed against the fabric of her bra. He wondered what she wanted from him. A million questions flowed through his mind in that moment, but he would only have time to vocalise one. For the moment he stayed silent, hoping she’d answer some of his questions for him.
“Brian..?” She sounded uncertain, like she wasn’t sure it was really him lying beneath her… or perhaps that she wasn’t sure of what she was doing there with him. “Brian, say something,” she pleaded, but he was still made mute by the situation he was in. This was the most real of all the dreams he’d ever had. In fact, he’d had this exact dream several times before.
“What are you doing?” Brian was surprised by how scared he’d sounded. He felt her fingertips on his chest then, tracing patterns against his skin. If he’d had any sense he might have sat up and turned the lamp on, tried to figure her out, but he just lay there, his eyes closing as she continued her patterns, her breath on his neck as she leaned forward, rocking her hips just a little, just enough. She continued to do this for a while until her breath hitched every so often and he was digging his fingers into her sides, begging her not to stop in his own silent way, though knowing they should. Knowing they had to. Knowing that even if they were being the most innocent they could manage, this was still several steps too far across that invisible line he’d meant to mention to her, but had chickened out of doing so.
“Amelie,” Brian whispered into her hair as her pace sped up and her breathing quickened, a low sound finding its way to Brian’s ears from the back of her throat. He’d meant to add “stop” to the end of his sentence but couldn’t find it in himself now as he allowed her to continue before she collapsed on top of him in a sweaty mess. They were silent after that. Slowly, she made her way off of him and found a space beside him in bed, close enough that he could tell she was there but where they were no longer touching skin. Brian got up after a moment, blinked a few times, and then scampered off down the hallway. He was almost ashamed by himself as he found his back to the bathroom door, his hand around his cock as beads of sweat dripped from the ends of his hair that had fallen around his face all unkempt. He was positive that she could hear him moaning from the bedroom but unable to help himself as he finished off, cleaning up and standing in front of the mirror for just a moment, his heart beating faster than ever before.
He realised now why she’d come over so late but was having a hard time coming to an understanding of the whole situation he’d found himself in. Was he being used, or was he using her? Or, were they mutually understanding of one another’s needs and being adults, perfectly capable of helping one another out? He knew it wasn’t right. He knew if she knew how he really felt, things would be different. He wasn’t just lonely. This wouldn’t just be a bit of fun to him. They’d never crossed this line before. He’d never allowed them to. And now he knew why. Brian made his way out onto his small balcony, still in just his briefs as he lit a smoke, and then another, until he was on his fifth and the sun was rising and he figured he’d better get at least some sleep before he had to face Amelie once again.
He was sure he was still dreaming when he felt a soft hand on the bare of his chest, pushing down the bed covers to sit their body on top of his, straddling his waist, the bare of their thighs against his hips.
“Amelie?” She didn’t reply. He felt as she picked up his hands and played with his fingers for a while, stretching them out and folding them back together, before placing them back down against her sides, holding them there until they would stick on their own. Brian almost found the voice he’d lost a while ago now, losing it again as his fingers brushed against the fabric of her bra. He wondered what she wanted from him. A million questions flowed through his mind in that moment, but he would only have time to vocalise one. For the moment he stayed silent, hoping she’d answer some of his questions for him.
“Brian..?” She sounded uncertain, like she wasn’t sure it was really him lying beneath her… or perhaps that she wasn’t sure of what she was doing there with him. “Brian, say something,” she pleaded, but he was still made mute by the situation he was in. This was the most real of all the dreams he’d ever had. In fact, he’d had this exact dream several times before.
“What are you doing?” Brian was surprised by how scared he’d sounded. He felt her fingertips on his chest then, tracing patterns against his skin. If he’d had any sense he might have sat up and turned the lamp on, tried to figure her out, but he just lay there, his eyes closing as she continued her patterns, her breath on his neck as she leaned forward, rocking her hips just a little, just enough. She continued to do this for a while until her breath hitched every so often and he was digging his fingers into her sides, begging her not to stop in his own silent way, though knowing they should. Knowing they had to. Knowing that even if they were being the most innocent they could manage, this was still several steps too far across that invisible line he’d meant to mention to her, but had chickened out of doing so.
“Amelie,” Brian whispered into her hair as her pace sped up and her breathing quickened, a low sound finding its way to Brian’s ears from the back of her throat. He’d meant to add “stop” to the end of his sentence but couldn’t find it in himself now as he allowed her to continue before she collapsed on top of him in a sweaty mess. They were silent after that. Slowly, she made her way off of him and found a space beside him in bed, close enough that he could tell she was there but where they were no longer touching skin. Brian got up after a moment, blinked a few times, and then scampered off down the hallway. He was almost ashamed by himself as he found his back to the bathroom door, his hand around his cock as beads of sweat dripped from the ends of his hair that had fallen around his face all unkempt. He was positive that she could hear him moaning from the bedroom but unable to help himself as he finished off, cleaning up and standing in front of the mirror for just a moment, his heart beating faster than ever before.
He realised now why she’d come over so late but was having a hard time coming to an understanding of the whole situation he’d found himself in. Was he being used, or was he using her? Or, were they mutually understanding of one another’s needs and being adults, perfectly capable of helping one another out? He knew it wasn’t right. He knew if she knew how he really felt, things would be different. He wasn’t just lonely. This wouldn’t just be a bit of fun to him. They’d never crossed this line before. He’d never allowed them to. And now he knew why. Brian made his way out onto his small balcony, still in just his briefs as he lit a smoke, and then another, until he was on his fifth and the sun was rising and he figured he’d better get at least some sleep before he had to face Amelie once again.