Don't Forget to Be the Way You Are
Two
Theo’s funeral had opened something up within Brian, which he hadn’t been brave enough to admit to himself just yet. It had been a few weeks that had passed and he was still stuck reflecting on his past, but trying to remember through a specific kind of self-induced fog was useless without a visual prompt, or the like, to help him along. But then sometimes, he was glad for that fog giving him a great distance from his past. He didn’t always wish to remember how he’d lost all his friends, though perhaps he was right in holding onto his naïve thought that they hadn’t been his real friends at all.
“Brian?” Brian’s eyes flickered from his notebook to Stefan who was standing in the doorway with a worried look on his face. “I was knocking… you didn’t answer. Are you alright?”
“I’m fine.”
“You aren’t answering your phone. I left you a message, did you get it?” Brian could vaguely recall having listened to Stefan leave his message the other day as he lay in the other room, still half asleep in the middle of the afternoon. He nodded, flipping his notebook shut and getting up, shimmying past Stefan, still in the doorway to his home office. Stefan grabbed hold of him before he could pass.
“You’re scaring me, Brian. Is everything okay? What happened?”
“Nothing happened,” Brian replied, a little agitated as he gently shook himself free of Stefan’s hold and went to put some coffee on.
“Well… will you come then?”
“Hmm?”
“To my dinner party. Did you even listen to the message?”
“Of course I did. I just forgot about it. I’ve had other things on my mind. I’ll go if it means you’ll leave me alone about everything.”
“Brian, you know I can’t promise that.”
“I know.”
The two men sat in silence at Brian’s small dining table as they sipped at coffee and eyed the chocolate biscuits Brian had placed between them. There were only four chairs at Brian’s table. Stefan’s table seated 8, which was usually not enough for his get-togethers. Brian’s table hadn’t been full since the day he’d bought it.
“I’m inviting some old friends tonight to catch up. I think it’s high time we all caught up.”
“Do I know anyone going?” Stefan thought for a moment as he tried to find the kindest way to word his response.
“Well, it depends…”
“Right.” It was no secret that Brian was somewhat ashamed of his past, even if he didn’t admit to it so directly. He didn’t have to. Stefan recalled the first time he’d heard Brian sing to him the lyrics to Bosco.
“The character is supposed to be like… ashamed of themselves for how they let things go on for so long” he’d told him, wiping back tears. It didn’t take a genius to realise he was talking about himself. Stefan felt like a terrible person all over again as Brian’s eyes watered up, but he’d promised not to pry this time. He had to keep his promise for longer than half an hour, he told himself, even if he didn’t want to. He wanted to wrap an arm around Brian and let him cry into his shirt like he used to, mostly when coming down. He found it comforting when Brian used to let it all out like that. Nowadays, he didn’t hear much about how he was doing. How he was really doing. Not until it was all but too late. Stefan pulled the chocolate biscuits closer to take one out of the plastic case, and pushed it gently against Brian’s lips. He smiled and took a small bite off the end.
“I don’t usually buy the chocolate ones,” Brian admitted. “They’re too tempting.”
“You have to remember that you deserve to be happy.” A slight frown washed over Brian’s face as he thought about what Stefan had said, not entirely believing him but then… didn’t everyone deserve that? And he was part of everyone…
Brian showered as Stefan cleaned up his kitchen a little, simply unable to help himself. Horrible memories of their times living together flooded his thoughts as he opened the refrigerator to be greeted with a smell so strong that he wasn’t entirely sure what it once might have been. After careful rummaging through leftovers that were on the edge of being barely edible and slightly off and the bare essentials one kept around, he found the culprit. He understood that cheese was essentially mould as it was but this chunk had gone too far. It had to go.
“Dear lord, what is that smell?” Brian screeched, holding his nose with both hands as he entered the kitchen with his towel wrapped about his waist. Stefan held up the mouldy chunk of cheese so Brian could see, and laughed as Brian’s eyes widened.
“That was not in my refrigerator. Tell me that was not in my refrigerator.”
“Well looking at it, you’d have thought I found it behind the radiator. You need to do some spring cleaning, Brian.”
“It’s autumn,” Brian smirked. “Now what am I supposed to be wearing tonight to your little get together? Is this a formal thing or do I come in jeans?”
“Would it matter what I told you? I’ll bet you’ve already got your outfit planned out on your bed.” There was that smirk again. Stefan was glad to see his friend’s spirits had lifted. “I’ll tell you it’s smart casual. No one knows what that is.” Brian scampered off then, and Stefan resumed his poking about in Brian’s kitchen. If he didn’t hurry, he’d be starting on his living room, too.
“Brian?” Brian’s eyes flickered from his notebook to Stefan who was standing in the doorway with a worried look on his face. “I was knocking… you didn’t answer. Are you alright?”
“I’m fine.”
“You aren’t answering your phone. I left you a message, did you get it?” Brian could vaguely recall having listened to Stefan leave his message the other day as he lay in the other room, still half asleep in the middle of the afternoon. He nodded, flipping his notebook shut and getting up, shimmying past Stefan, still in the doorway to his home office. Stefan grabbed hold of him before he could pass.
“You’re scaring me, Brian. Is everything okay? What happened?”
“Nothing happened,” Brian replied, a little agitated as he gently shook himself free of Stefan’s hold and went to put some coffee on.
“Well… will you come then?”
“Hmm?”
“To my dinner party. Did you even listen to the message?”
“Of course I did. I just forgot about it. I’ve had other things on my mind. I’ll go if it means you’ll leave me alone about everything.”
“Brian, you know I can’t promise that.”
“I know.”
The two men sat in silence at Brian’s small dining table as they sipped at coffee and eyed the chocolate biscuits Brian had placed between them. There were only four chairs at Brian’s table. Stefan’s table seated 8, which was usually not enough for his get-togethers. Brian’s table hadn’t been full since the day he’d bought it.
“I’m inviting some old friends tonight to catch up. I think it’s high time we all caught up.”
“Do I know anyone going?” Stefan thought for a moment as he tried to find the kindest way to word his response.
“Well, it depends…”
“Right.” It was no secret that Brian was somewhat ashamed of his past, even if he didn’t admit to it so directly. He didn’t have to. Stefan recalled the first time he’d heard Brian sing to him the lyrics to Bosco.
“The character is supposed to be like… ashamed of themselves for how they let things go on for so long” he’d told him, wiping back tears. It didn’t take a genius to realise he was talking about himself. Stefan felt like a terrible person all over again as Brian’s eyes watered up, but he’d promised not to pry this time. He had to keep his promise for longer than half an hour, he told himself, even if he didn’t want to. He wanted to wrap an arm around Brian and let him cry into his shirt like he used to, mostly when coming down. He found it comforting when Brian used to let it all out like that. Nowadays, he didn’t hear much about how he was doing. How he was really doing. Not until it was all but too late. Stefan pulled the chocolate biscuits closer to take one out of the plastic case, and pushed it gently against Brian’s lips. He smiled and took a small bite off the end.
“I don’t usually buy the chocolate ones,” Brian admitted. “They’re too tempting.”
“You have to remember that you deserve to be happy.” A slight frown washed over Brian’s face as he thought about what Stefan had said, not entirely believing him but then… didn’t everyone deserve that? And he was part of everyone…
Brian showered as Stefan cleaned up his kitchen a little, simply unable to help himself. Horrible memories of their times living together flooded his thoughts as he opened the refrigerator to be greeted with a smell so strong that he wasn’t entirely sure what it once might have been. After careful rummaging through leftovers that were on the edge of being barely edible and slightly off and the bare essentials one kept around, he found the culprit. He understood that cheese was essentially mould as it was but this chunk had gone too far. It had to go.
“Dear lord, what is that smell?” Brian screeched, holding his nose with both hands as he entered the kitchen with his towel wrapped about his waist. Stefan held up the mouldy chunk of cheese so Brian could see, and laughed as Brian’s eyes widened.
“That was not in my refrigerator. Tell me that was not in my refrigerator.”
“Well looking at it, you’d have thought I found it behind the radiator. You need to do some spring cleaning, Brian.”
“It’s autumn,” Brian smirked. “Now what am I supposed to be wearing tonight to your little get together? Is this a formal thing or do I come in jeans?”
“Would it matter what I told you? I’ll bet you’ve already got your outfit planned out on your bed.” There was that smirk again. Stefan was glad to see his friend’s spirits had lifted. “I’ll tell you it’s smart casual. No one knows what that is.” Brian scampered off then, and Stefan resumed his poking about in Brian’s kitchen. If he didn’t hurry, he’d be starting on his living room, too.