Don't Forget to Be the Way You Are
Four
All things considered, Stefan’s little dinner party had gone quite well, if he didn’t say so himself. All his guests had found someplace to sit and converse now, be it on his little balcony or in his lounge room with the TV on just quietly as they continued to sip at the wine several had brought with them and talk about the good ol’ days.
“So what does your tattoo mean?” Andrew had spotted Brian’s tattoo as his shirt sleeve had slipped down his arm a little, leaving it exposed. Not that he minded. In fact, he was quite proud, in his own weird little way, that he’d been able to tell the world all at once, for all that may have cared, of what he’d been through and how he pledged to change his life.
“It’s a symbol for Alcoholics Anonymous.”
“Doesn’t make you very anonymous.”
Brian let it go and decided he’d only imagine having punched the shit-eating grin right off his face with all the strength he had. He’d never really liked Andrew and he figured he’d never really liked him, either. He wasn’t sure why. He always imagined it had something to do with the fact that he could never seem to get laid, whereas Brian had been turning people down left right and centre at a certain time in his life. A horrible feeling ran through his gut as he was reminded again of who all these people thought he was and how wrong he wished they were. And maybe they were wrong to think of him that way, or maybe if it weren’t for the fact that he’d been knocking on Death’s door then he’d still be acting out his promiscuous desires just like he used to, given the opportunities. He wasn’t sure if it mattered what his reasons were for changing his way of life. Did it matter if he’d changed solely for his own selfish reasons? Or was it enough that he’d changed at all? Did this suddenly make him a better person? His eyes drifted across the room to Amelie who had stolen Marc away from him shortly after dinner. He sure hoped so. All night, he’d been wondering how she remembered him. Not with as much fondness as he remembered her with, so it seemed. He tried to shake that thought free but it was stuck there in the centre of his mind. Things were once so different between them. He remembered she was always the first person his drunken self would search for at a party, and of how she would walk him home after a particularly heavy night. He used the idea that he’d been too drunk to remember any of it to ever properly say thank you. It had always seemed too awkward a thing to discuss at the time.
It wasn’t too long before Brian had wandered over to the kitchen to find Stefan, his only comfort in such a situation. Sometimes, he wasn’t sure Stefan understood him in a lot of ways. If you stuck Stefan alone in a room full of strangers, even being the shy individual he was, he’d always walk away saying he’d had a good time. Brian wasn’t like that.
“Need any help?”
“Brian, I already told you. I want everyone to enjoy themselves. Go, socialise!”
“But–”
“Go talk to Amelie.” The sly grin that crept onto Stefan’s lips annoyed Brian more than it should have.
“And why should I do that? She’s having a wonderful time out there talking to your little crush.” Stefan’s face went as red as the apples sitting in the fruit bowl on the counter. Brian wanted to chuck one at him but decided against a food fight.
“I wasn’t sure you’d picked up on that yet.”
“I’m not blind, Stefan. And I’m happy for you. But really, I’m about ready to head off.”
“I can drive you back if you wish?” Brian’s eyes met the pile of dishes still sitting in the sink and he remembered Stefan still had guests to attend to.
“I’ll call for a cab.”
“I can drive you.” A small voice sounded from the doorway, unsure as to how her request might have sounded. “I mean, it’s better than catching a cab, right? And besides, I hardly got to talk with you tonight, Brian, and I’ve sorely missed our conversations.” The tiny smile on her lips was almost breaking as she imagined Brian would say no, and that he was as callous as they told her he was these days. But she saw none of that in him and didn’t understand how anyone could or ever did. He was her wonderful Brian, and she could see things no other way.
“Uh, thanks, Amelie. That’d be wonderful.” Brian turned to hug his friend goodbye, slapping him unnecessarily hard on the back as the grin on his face couldn’t have been any wider. He understood perhaps why Stefan would be happy for him, but it wasn’t like that. It had never been like that in the past. Despite the rumours and accusations, the desires and the needs, Brian had never spent the night with Amelie, which had proved harder than one might have thought at times, for a friend to stay friendly. For that line to remain uncrossed. And yet despite his careful efforts to keep her close, he’d lost her in the end. Brian figured that was just the way things went.
“So what does your tattoo mean?” Andrew had spotted Brian’s tattoo as his shirt sleeve had slipped down his arm a little, leaving it exposed. Not that he minded. In fact, he was quite proud, in his own weird little way, that he’d been able to tell the world all at once, for all that may have cared, of what he’d been through and how he pledged to change his life.
“It’s a symbol for Alcoholics Anonymous.”
“Doesn’t make you very anonymous.”
Brian let it go and decided he’d only imagine having punched the shit-eating grin right off his face with all the strength he had. He’d never really liked Andrew and he figured he’d never really liked him, either. He wasn’t sure why. He always imagined it had something to do with the fact that he could never seem to get laid, whereas Brian had been turning people down left right and centre at a certain time in his life. A horrible feeling ran through his gut as he was reminded again of who all these people thought he was and how wrong he wished they were. And maybe they were wrong to think of him that way, or maybe if it weren’t for the fact that he’d been knocking on Death’s door then he’d still be acting out his promiscuous desires just like he used to, given the opportunities. He wasn’t sure if it mattered what his reasons were for changing his way of life. Did it matter if he’d changed solely for his own selfish reasons? Or was it enough that he’d changed at all? Did this suddenly make him a better person? His eyes drifted across the room to Amelie who had stolen Marc away from him shortly after dinner. He sure hoped so. All night, he’d been wondering how she remembered him. Not with as much fondness as he remembered her with, so it seemed. He tried to shake that thought free but it was stuck there in the centre of his mind. Things were once so different between them. He remembered she was always the first person his drunken self would search for at a party, and of how she would walk him home after a particularly heavy night. He used the idea that he’d been too drunk to remember any of it to ever properly say thank you. It had always seemed too awkward a thing to discuss at the time.
It wasn’t too long before Brian had wandered over to the kitchen to find Stefan, his only comfort in such a situation. Sometimes, he wasn’t sure Stefan understood him in a lot of ways. If you stuck Stefan alone in a room full of strangers, even being the shy individual he was, he’d always walk away saying he’d had a good time. Brian wasn’t like that.
“Need any help?”
“Brian, I already told you. I want everyone to enjoy themselves. Go, socialise!”
“But–”
“Go talk to Amelie.” The sly grin that crept onto Stefan’s lips annoyed Brian more than it should have.
“And why should I do that? She’s having a wonderful time out there talking to your little crush.” Stefan’s face went as red as the apples sitting in the fruit bowl on the counter. Brian wanted to chuck one at him but decided against a food fight.
“I wasn’t sure you’d picked up on that yet.”
“I’m not blind, Stefan. And I’m happy for you. But really, I’m about ready to head off.”
“I can drive you back if you wish?” Brian’s eyes met the pile of dishes still sitting in the sink and he remembered Stefan still had guests to attend to.
“I’ll call for a cab.”
“I can drive you.” A small voice sounded from the doorway, unsure as to how her request might have sounded. “I mean, it’s better than catching a cab, right? And besides, I hardly got to talk with you tonight, Brian, and I’ve sorely missed our conversations.” The tiny smile on her lips was almost breaking as she imagined Brian would say no, and that he was as callous as they told her he was these days. But she saw none of that in him and didn’t understand how anyone could or ever did. He was her wonderful Brian, and she could see things no other way.
“Uh, thanks, Amelie. That’d be wonderful.” Brian turned to hug his friend goodbye, slapping him unnecessarily hard on the back as the grin on his face couldn’t have been any wider. He understood perhaps why Stefan would be happy for him, but it wasn’t like that. It had never been like that in the past. Despite the rumours and accusations, the desires and the needs, Brian had never spent the night with Amelie, which had proved harder than one might have thought at times, for a friend to stay friendly. For that line to remain uncrossed. And yet despite his careful efforts to keep her close, he’d lost her in the end. Brian figured that was just the way things went.