Don't Forget to Be the Way You Are
Six
Brian was surprised upon waking the following morning to find a blanket draped over his body and his boots placed neatly beside one another by the door, instead of being on his feet. He might have grabbed for a spare blanket in his sleep, but he certainly wouldn't have taken off his shoes, and he knew only one individual who would line them up so neatly like that.
Brian stretched as he sat up, now acutely aware of his aching joints from having slept all night on a wooden floor. He dragged his blanket with him once he found the will to stand to where a light shone through from his bedroom. Peeking his head in, he saw Stefan lying on the bed, propped up against the pillows with his head in a book. Brian pushed the door open a little wider and Stefan's eyes lifted from the pages he was engrossed in to greet his presence in the doorway. Brian cringed as a particular look formed on Stefan's face and wrapped his blanket tighter around himself as he prepared himself for the ugly truth.
"Sleep well, did you?"
"Y'know, sometimes I wonder why I ever gave you a spare key." Stefan's book snapped shut.
"You know why, Brian." It was one of those times Brian knew he should have kept his foolish remarks to himself. There was no smile on Stefan's face; no hint that he found Brian at all funny. "Someone has to check up on you. And I'm not saying that I mind… but you scare me."
"How could I possibly–"
"I came in this morning and you were passed out on the lounge room floor. I had to smell your breath to make sure you were sober. And that's a scary thought. That's how concerned I am for you right now." Brian snorted in what was an attempt to blow off Stefan’s worries.
"You don't need to worry so much."
"Don't I?" There was a short silence between them. Brian thought about all the possible ways to admit to Stefan that he might have been right, and then about how weak he was for not being able to help himself.
"I don't need you checking up on me. I can take care of myself." Stefan let out a frustrated sigh, pulling his hands down his cheeks and trying to come up with the words Brian needed to hear.
"You've gotta let people in, Brian. It used to be so easy for you and now not even Amelie can find a way." The space between them changed with the mention of Amelie's name. The air was thicker than before, like one more shot at Brian might ignite it. "She came to me in tears last night."
"I didn't do anything to her!" Stefan frowned.
"I didn't say you did. In fact, she told me you wouldn't even look at her. She can sense there's something wrong, too, Brian. She said you'd never seemed so cold."
"Well what the fuck does she expect, hmm? She up and left me for fucking America for the sake of her career, and look how far that got her. I haven't seen her face on any billboards lately, have you?" Stefan was taken aback at the harshness of his words towards Amelie. He was afraid now to admit he'd invited her to his dinner party especially for Brian, to try and open him up a little, and to try and find someone that might understand him better than he did at times like this. He needed to open up. One man couldn't carry the weight of the world on their shoulders for all too long, something that had been proven time and time again. Theo was an example that hit close to home. Stefan couldn't help but to wonder what might have been if he'd picked up the phone more often, and made a better effort to understand. He wouldn't let that happen to Brian. He simply couldn’t bear the thought.
"She cares about you, Brian. We all do." Brian scoffed in disbelief and walked away, biting his tongue all the while. Stefan knew then that he was too angry to deal with and so he let him go, cringing as he heard the slam of the bathroom door echo down the hall.
Brian let the water fall on his face in the shower and observed his mood changing from the inside out as he concentrated on calming himself down. That sinking feeling was beginning to settle in his heart. Perhaps it had been his fault she stormed off. Perhaps he should have been more open with her. Though like in the past, he couldn't imagine it'd make her stay.
He eventually turned off the water once he realised he was no longer washing himself and took a moment to stand in front of the mirror. His eyes ran over his face where his makeup had run after he'd been too careless to take it off beforehand, and down to where his first scar started, running angrily along his thigh and reminding him that there were darker times ahead of him if he didn't sort things out. He wasn't stupid. He could see he was heading down the wrong path once more but it had been so well trodden in the past that it was awfully tempting to forget there were other directions in which to travel in.
Stefan had left his apartment by the time he was dressed. He'd looked everywhere for him, hoping to find him curled up on the couch with his book so he could sit with him and find the words to form an apology with. Alas, his apology would have to wait. Brian found only a note left in place by his bed.
"I'm here for you. S x"
As simple as those few words were, they represented a lot. They represented a friendship that had been through so much already, and that would go through so much more if need be. They gave an explanation of the roles they both had in their relationship. Brian had never needed to leave Stefan a note like that. He was always the one that needed looking after, and watched over. He was always the one falling down. This bothered him some of the time but for the moment, he clutched the note in his hands, thankful that Stefan would be there when he might be ready to admit to someone else that he had a problem. He was only just admitting it to himself at this stage, and that was hard enough.
Brian stretched as he sat up, now acutely aware of his aching joints from having slept all night on a wooden floor. He dragged his blanket with him once he found the will to stand to where a light shone through from his bedroom. Peeking his head in, he saw Stefan lying on the bed, propped up against the pillows with his head in a book. Brian pushed the door open a little wider and Stefan's eyes lifted from the pages he was engrossed in to greet his presence in the doorway. Brian cringed as a particular look formed on Stefan's face and wrapped his blanket tighter around himself as he prepared himself for the ugly truth.
"Sleep well, did you?"
"Y'know, sometimes I wonder why I ever gave you a spare key." Stefan's book snapped shut.
"You know why, Brian." It was one of those times Brian knew he should have kept his foolish remarks to himself. There was no smile on Stefan's face; no hint that he found Brian at all funny. "Someone has to check up on you. And I'm not saying that I mind… but you scare me."
"How could I possibly–"
"I came in this morning and you were passed out on the lounge room floor. I had to smell your breath to make sure you were sober. And that's a scary thought. That's how concerned I am for you right now." Brian snorted in what was an attempt to blow off Stefan’s worries.
"You don't need to worry so much."
"Don't I?" There was a short silence between them. Brian thought about all the possible ways to admit to Stefan that he might have been right, and then about how weak he was for not being able to help himself.
"I don't need you checking up on me. I can take care of myself." Stefan let out a frustrated sigh, pulling his hands down his cheeks and trying to come up with the words Brian needed to hear.
"You've gotta let people in, Brian. It used to be so easy for you and now not even Amelie can find a way." The space between them changed with the mention of Amelie's name. The air was thicker than before, like one more shot at Brian might ignite it. "She came to me in tears last night."
"I didn't do anything to her!" Stefan frowned.
"I didn't say you did. In fact, she told me you wouldn't even look at her. She can sense there's something wrong, too, Brian. She said you'd never seemed so cold."
"Well what the fuck does she expect, hmm? She up and left me for fucking America for the sake of her career, and look how far that got her. I haven't seen her face on any billboards lately, have you?" Stefan was taken aback at the harshness of his words towards Amelie. He was afraid now to admit he'd invited her to his dinner party especially for Brian, to try and open him up a little, and to try and find someone that might understand him better than he did at times like this. He needed to open up. One man couldn't carry the weight of the world on their shoulders for all too long, something that had been proven time and time again. Theo was an example that hit close to home. Stefan couldn't help but to wonder what might have been if he'd picked up the phone more often, and made a better effort to understand. He wouldn't let that happen to Brian. He simply couldn’t bear the thought.
"She cares about you, Brian. We all do." Brian scoffed in disbelief and walked away, biting his tongue all the while. Stefan knew then that he was too angry to deal with and so he let him go, cringing as he heard the slam of the bathroom door echo down the hall.
Brian let the water fall on his face in the shower and observed his mood changing from the inside out as he concentrated on calming himself down. That sinking feeling was beginning to settle in his heart. Perhaps it had been his fault she stormed off. Perhaps he should have been more open with her. Though like in the past, he couldn't imagine it'd make her stay.
He eventually turned off the water once he realised he was no longer washing himself and took a moment to stand in front of the mirror. His eyes ran over his face where his makeup had run after he'd been too careless to take it off beforehand, and down to where his first scar started, running angrily along his thigh and reminding him that there were darker times ahead of him if he didn't sort things out. He wasn't stupid. He could see he was heading down the wrong path once more but it had been so well trodden in the past that it was awfully tempting to forget there were other directions in which to travel in.
Stefan had left his apartment by the time he was dressed. He'd looked everywhere for him, hoping to find him curled up on the couch with his book so he could sit with him and find the words to form an apology with. Alas, his apology would have to wait. Brian found only a note left in place by his bed.
"I'm here for you. S x"
As simple as those few words were, they represented a lot. They represented a friendship that had been through so much already, and that would go through so much more if need be. They gave an explanation of the roles they both had in their relationship. Brian had never needed to leave Stefan a note like that. He was always the one that needed looking after, and watched over. He was always the one falling down. This bothered him some of the time but for the moment, he clutched the note in his hands, thankful that Stefan would be there when he might be ready to admit to someone else that he had a problem. He was only just admitting it to himself at this stage, and that was hard enough.