Don't Forget to Be the Way You Are
Seven
Saturday evenings were such a curse. Brian felt like a half-man half-monster hybrid these days, and the weekends were a full moon. His better half was constantly fighting to keep the monster at bay when all it wanted to do was destroy him and everything he’d built for himself. But he couldn’t go back there.
He found himself curled up on his couch hugging his thinking cushion and dialling Stefan’s number, picking at the loose threads around the zipper of his cushion until someone finally picked up.
“Brian?”
“Oh, Marc. Is Stef there?”
“He’s just in the other room. Something’s sorta come up and he can’t really be interrupted right now. I uhh… yeah.” Marc clearly had a few lessons to learn, Brian decided. I mean, this was THE Brian Molko and if he wanted Stefan on the phone, then Stefan was who he got.
“Well, can you ask him when he’s free if he’d like to come pick me up?”
“I can come pick you up if you’d like? What did you have in mind?” Brian was quiet for a moment as he considered Marc’s offer. Sure, he liked Marc, but he needed Stefan. He still had an apology to give before he swallowed it.
“I just wanted to get out of the apartment for a while…”
“I’ll come down and we can go out for dinner. There are a few little places I’ve wanted to check out around this side of town but Stefan always insists on cooking for me.” Brian smiled. They were adorable and he loved it. He had sort of pieced a few things together here and there and this confirmed his suspicions; Marc had moved in with Stefan.
“Alright.”
Marc had picked out a corner table in a small Italian place a few blocks from Stefan’s where he and Brian had got quite comfortable, ordering the exact same entrée and main course, giggling about it all the while. Brian had been there a few times before with Stefan and liked the atmosphere enough to find himself relaxing around Marc.
“So who has Stef’s attention tonight?” Brian could hold back the question no longer as they ordered their coffee, both passing up the slice of cake.
“Amelie? Is it?” Brian felt his heart sink in his chest. “I met her the other night at Stef’s party. Pretty girl, bit on the short side. Well, to me,” Marc teased, a smile cracking onto his lips as Brian playfully punched him in the arm. “I think she’s going through a bit of a hard time right now and Stefan is so easy to talk to, you know?” Brian knew. All the guilt he’d felt for having driven her away came flooding back to him as he wondered if he were the hard time she was having.
“We should go back to Stef’s place,” Marc suggested. “We could watch a movie or something. I’m sure he’d be free by now.” Brian nodded his head, secretly hoping that Amelie would still be there, if only so he could see her face just one more time before she became a ghost of his past once again.
Brian listened in the car as Marc sang along to the radio, to songs he knew, though he couldn’t find the joy to sing. After a few songs this had become apparent to Marc, and he turned the music down to chat for a while. Brian found himself quite intrigued as he listened to Marc telling him all about his job as a dentist, though his smile had faded as to hide his teeth, and his mind had strayed to thoughts of all the flossing he’d been avoiding lately.
“So does that mean you fell in love with Stefan’s smile first?” Marc seemed surprised by Brian’s comment.
“Yeah I did, actually.” Brian blushed as he realised that their relationship wasn’t exactly out in the open yet, and that most of what he knew of it had been only what he’d managed to pick up on by himself. Marc didn’t seem bothered though, and appeared more relieved than anything. “You know, the first thing I ever said to him was to ask for his help getting the washing powder down from the top shelf.”
“I miss going shopping with Stefan. He was always very useful like that.”
Brian’s wishes had come true, he realised, as they finally arrived back at Stefan’s place and none other than Amelie was sat at his kitchen island counter, sipping from a mug of tea. She looked away as she saw Brian standing there; not to act cold, but as a result of the hurt she still felt from the last time she’d seen him. Today just wasn’t her day, she thought to herself.
Brian wasn’t sure what to do with himself as Marc wandered off to find Stefan who then proceeded to have a quiet word with him in the bedroom, leaving him alone there with Amelie. He saw then the glimmer of her tear-stained cheeks and a certain sadness in her eyes and realised that whatever she had been discussing with Stefan earlier had been much bigger than him. He wanted to offer her a smile but couldn’t get his lips to move. Frustrated with himself, he took a seat a few away from Amelie and began sifting through the catalogues that were sprawled out on the counter top. He knew he had to talk to her, but finding the right words was seemingly impossible. Besides, what did he have to say? That he was sorry? What difference did it even make?
He was suddenly hyperaware that her eyes were on him, examining his face as he pretended to read through an M&S catalogue. A quick glance in her direction surely wouldn’t hurt, he told himself, picking up the courage to peek over the pages at her, only to find silent tears pouring down her face as she was struggling not to shake with every breath. And then, something larger took over Brian. He found his feet and walked the few steps over to her, wrapping his arms over her shoulders as she sat, closing his eyes when she took his hand and placed it against her cheek.
“Where have you been?” Amelie whispered, her voice crackling with sorrow.
“I’m really not too sure. Are you alright? Do you wanna talk about it?” She shook her head and Brian stood there hugging her for a little while longer, just until he could be sure she’d stopped crying. He took the seat right beside hers this time as he sat back down.
“So Brian, ready to watch that movie?” Marc and Stefan entered the room with that look on their faces that read they knew they’d walked in on something.
“Amelie, you can join us if you wish?” Stefan suggested, his eyes switching between Amelie and Brian like he was trying to figure them both out. Brian turned to face her, taken aback for a moment at the smile on her face; like nothing had just happened. Like there was never anything wrong.
“I need to head home... Sort things out… Thanks, though.” Again, that heavy feeling entered Brian’s chest and didn’t leave until well into the movie, when he’d finally decided to stop thinking up ways to casually ask what was the matter with Amelie and to start paying attention to the story line.
“So wait, she’s supposed to be dead?” Stefan rolled his eyes. It wasn’t the first time and wouldn’t be the last that Brian had completely missed the point. “What a dumb movie.”
He found himself curled up on his couch hugging his thinking cushion and dialling Stefan’s number, picking at the loose threads around the zipper of his cushion until someone finally picked up.
“Brian?”
“Oh, Marc. Is Stef there?”
“He’s just in the other room. Something’s sorta come up and he can’t really be interrupted right now. I uhh… yeah.” Marc clearly had a few lessons to learn, Brian decided. I mean, this was THE Brian Molko and if he wanted Stefan on the phone, then Stefan was who he got.
“Well, can you ask him when he’s free if he’d like to come pick me up?”
“I can come pick you up if you’d like? What did you have in mind?” Brian was quiet for a moment as he considered Marc’s offer. Sure, he liked Marc, but he needed Stefan. He still had an apology to give before he swallowed it.
“I just wanted to get out of the apartment for a while…”
“I’ll come down and we can go out for dinner. There are a few little places I’ve wanted to check out around this side of town but Stefan always insists on cooking for me.” Brian smiled. They were adorable and he loved it. He had sort of pieced a few things together here and there and this confirmed his suspicions; Marc had moved in with Stefan.
“Alright.”
Marc had picked out a corner table in a small Italian place a few blocks from Stefan’s where he and Brian had got quite comfortable, ordering the exact same entrée and main course, giggling about it all the while. Brian had been there a few times before with Stefan and liked the atmosphere enough to find himself relaxing around Marc.
“So who has Stef’s attention tonight?” Brian could hold back the question no longer as they ordered their coffee, both passing up the slice of cake.
“Amelie? Is it?” Brian felt his heart sink in his chest. “I met her the other night at Stef’s party. Pretty girl, bit on the short side. Well, to me,” Marc teased, a smile cracking onto his lips as Brian playfully punched him in the arm. “I think she’s going through a bit of a hard time right now and Stefan is so easy to talk to, you know?” Brian knew. All the guilt he’d felt for having driven her away came flooding back to him as he wondered if he were the hard time she was having.
“We should go back to Stef’s place,” Marc suggested. “We could watch a movie or something. I’m sure he’d be free by now.” Brian nodded his head, secretly hoping that Amelie would still be there, if only so he could see her face just one more time before she became a ghost of his past once again.
Brian listened in the car as Marc sang along to the radio, to songs he knew, though he couldn’t find the joy to sing. After a few songs this had become apparent to Marc, and he turned the music down to chat for a while. Brian found himself quite intrigued as he listened to Marc telling him all about his job as a dentist, though his smile had faded as to hide his teeth, and his mind had strayed to thoughts of all the flossing he’d been avoiding lately.
“So does that mean you fell in love with Stefan’s smile first?” Marc seemed surprised by Brian’s comment.
“Yeah I did, actually.” Brian blushed as he realised that their relationship wasn’t exactly out in the open yet, and that most of what he knew of it had been only what he’d managed to pick up on by himself. Marc didn’t seem bothered though, and appeared more relieved than anything. “You know, the first thing I ever said to him was to ask for his help getting the washing powder down from the top shelf.”
“I miss going shopping with Stefan. He was always very useful like that.”
Brian’s wishes had come true, he realised, as they finally arrived back at Stefan’s place and none other than Amelie was sat at his kitchen island counter, sipping from a mug of tea. She looked away as she saw Brian standing there; not to act cold, but as a result of the hurt she still felt from the last time she’d seen him. Today just wasn’t her day, she thought to herself.
Brian wasn’t sure what to do with himself as Marc wandered off to find Stefan who then proceeded to have a quiet word with him in the bedroom, leaving him alone there with Amelie. He saw then the glimmer of her tear-stained cheeks and a certain sadness in her eyes and realised that whatever she had been discussing with Stefan earlier had been much bigger than him. He wanted to offer her a smile but couldn’t get his lips to move. Frustrated with himself, he took a seat a few away from Amelie and began sifting through the catalogues that were sprawled out on the counter top. He knew he had to talk to her, but finding the right words was seemingly impossible. Besides, what did he have to say? That he was sorry? What difference did it even make?
He was suddenly hyperaware that her eyes were on him, examining his face as he pretended to read through an M&S catalogue. A quick glance in her direction surely wouldn’t hurt, he told himself, picking up the courage to peek over the pages at her, only to find silent tears pouring down her face as she was struggling not to shake with every breath. And then, something larger took over Brian. He found his feet and walked the few steps over to her, wrapping his arms over her shoulders as she sat, closing his eyes when she took his hand and placed it against her cheek.
“Where have you been?” Amelie whispered, her voice crackling with sorrow.
“I’m really not too sure. Are you alright? Do you wanna talk about it?” She shook her head and Brian stood there hugging her for a little while longer, just until he could be sure she’d stopped crying. He took the seat right beside hers this time as he sat back down.
“So Brian, ready to watch that movie?” Marc and Stefan entered the room with that look on their faces that read they knew they’d walked in on something.
“Amelie, you can join us if you wish?” Stefan suggested, his eyes switching between Amelie and Brian like he was trying to figure them both out. Brian turned to face her, taken aback for a moment at the smile on her face; like nothing had just happened. Like there was never anything wrong.
“I need to head home... Sort things out… Thanks, though.” Again, that heavy feeling entered Brian’s chest and didn’t leave until well into the movie, when he’d finally decided to stop thinking up ways to casually ask what was the matter with Amelie and to start paying attention to the story line.
“So wait, she’s supposed to be dead?” Stefan rolled his eyes. It wasn’t the first time and wouldn’t be the last that Brian had completely missed the point. “What a dumb movie.”
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Thank you to those 4 lovely people reading along <3