Don't Forget to Be the Way You Are
Nine
Brian couldn't help himself lately. He found himself rapping his knuckles against Stefan's apartment door for the third time that week, immediately taking his arm back to wrap it around his small frame in an attempt to keep some of his warmth as he waited out in the cold corridor for the door to open.
Stefan didn't say anything as he opened the door, which wasn't a particularly nice feeling Brian found as he shuffled past him and stood awkwardly in the kitchen, feeling immediately like he’d done something wrong. He was in the middle of picking his brain for any idea of what he could have done when Stefan walked in, realising that he’d probably done a million things in just the past week that would irritate the average person and feeling like he’d taken advantage of Stefan’s kind heart one too many times.
“What did I do?” Brain was surprised by the smallness of his own voice as he stood so short in front of Stefan, who was now looking down at him in confusion.
“Nothing? Why?” Brian shrugged.
“You didn’t say hello.” He looked down to his shoes, not entirely convinced of Stefan’s response.
“C’mere,” he cooed, pulling Brian into a hug, surprised by the wetness he felt through his shirt so suddenly and pushing Brian a little way away. “Oh come now, not you too?”
“Hmm?” Brian questioned, feeling stupid for his tears, even in front of Stefan. He wasn’t usually so emotional.
“I was tired, that’s all. I had a late night.” He was expecting Brian to pull a joke at that, or at the very least to wiggle his eyebrows in a suggestive manner, but nothing. He looked into Brian’s sad eyes and gave him another hug, wanting to ask a million questions but knowing he was too upset to be pestered like that. Had he eaten anything? Was he feeling well? Did he want to have a lay down?
“I’m sorry I’ve been bugging you a lot lately,” Brian apologised, his voice back again, though only just above a whisper. “I mean, I think I’m a little lonely, y’know?” He wanted to admit that he had come over on the off chance that Amelie would be there, but didn’t want to seem so desperate for her attention, or to have Stefan feel like he didn’t appreciate his.
“It’s okay Brian, really. I enjoy your company.”
“But you’re tired. I might go…”
“No, please.” Stefan was a little too hasty in his reply. Brian felt even worse as he realised Stefan was afraid to leave him alone. He was okay. Really… He wanted so badly to believe himself. “Stay, and I’ll cook you something to take home tonight. I have to leave this afternoon to see Marc’s parents. We’re staying there for the weekend. Will you be alright?”
“I’m fine, Stef.” The look on his face told Brian he didn’t really believe him, which was okay, because he wasn’t really telling the truth, anyway.
Brian’s mood had lifted as he spent the afternoon sitting at Stefan’s kitchen counter watching him cook, feeling a little guilty that it was all for him but then knowing that Stefan loved to have people to cook for.
“Amelie was here this morning,” Stefan said, trying his best to keep his tone casual, and not to give Brian any clues as to where he wanted their conversation to lead. They had to talk about this. There was no more avoiding it.
“She seems to come here a lot.”
“You don’t seem to mind. Just like old times, hey?” Brian smiled.
“Yeah, a little.” His smile was quick to fade. Just like old times. No, he didn’t want that. He couldn’t go through that kind of torture again. He’d already considered avoiding Amelie, fearing that his heart beat a little too fast in her presence and not wanting to fall for her. No, not again.
“You two have always seemed to have a special bond, Brian.”
“Where is this heading..?”
“I’m just worried. I’m a friend to you both and I’m worried.”
“What, because I can’t keep my friends? Because I’m so utterly horrible to everyone I know? Because I take advantage of people and situations and getting close to me is like trying to get blood from a stone?”
“Brian you’re taking this the wrong way. I’m your friend, aren’t I?”
“Are you?” His eyes were slits at this point and Stefan worried he’d not be able to diffuse the situation. He didn’t want to leave for the weekend with this hanging between them. Of course Brian knew they were friends, but he was hurt. Stefan was figuring him out faster than he could figure himself out which was irritating to say the least.
“I just want to make sure… I mean… and I’m only speculating here of course… but you didn’t take to her leaving very well in the past. I always thought something had happened at the airport, or at her place the night before…”
“Are you suggesting that I fucked–”
“I’m not suggesting anything, Brian. I’m just pointing out the obvious in that your relationship with her seems a very intense one, and I don’t want either of you getting hurt.” Brian took a moment to let Stefan’s words sink in.
“But why would we get hurt?”
“Don’t take this the wrong way but… you can be rather sensitive, and you’re terrible at letting other people know how you feel.” Brian suppressed the tears he could feel coming on. “I know you never talked about it, but I knew that you were hurting when she left.”
“Stef, we used to spend just about every waking moment together. Of course I was upset when she left and I was so sure I’d never see her again.”
“You could have made an effort. She was upset, too.”
“I don’t need this right now,” Brian said, getting up from the stool he was sat on, throwing his arms up in the air in exasperation.
“Brian, she needs you right now more than anyone. She needs a good friend, someone that makes her feel good about herself.” Brian paused in the hallway, listening to Stefan speak as he hid around the corner. “But I need to know that you’re friends.” He emphasised the word.
“Not that it’s any of your fucking business, but I don’t fuck everyone I meet, thank you very much.” And with the brilliant slam of a door, Brian was off.
Stefan didn't say anything as he opened the door, which wasn't a particularly nice feeling Brian found as he shuffled past him and stood awkwardly in the kitchen, feeling immediately like he’d done something wrong. He was in the middle of picking his brain for any idea of what he could have done when Stefan walked in, realising that he’d probably done a million things in just the past week that would irritate the average person and feeling like he’d taken advantage of Stefan’s kind heart one too many times.
“What did I do?” Brain was surprised by the smallness of his own voice as he stood so short in front of Stefan, who was now looking down at him in confusion.
“Nothing? Why?” Brian shrugged.
“You didn’t say hello.” He looked down to his shoes, not entirely convinced of Stefan’s response.
“C’mere,” he cooed, pulling Brian into a hug, surprised by the wetness he felt through his shirt so suddenly and pushing Brian a little way away. “Oh come now, not you too?”
“Hmm?” Brian questioned, feeling stupid for his tears, even in front of Stefan. He wasn’t usually so emotional.
“I was tired, that’s all. I had a late night.” He was expecting Brian to pull a joke at that, or at the very least to wiggle his eyebrows in a suggestive manner, but nothing. He looked into Brian’s sad eyes and gave him another hug, wanting to ask a million questions but knowing he was too upset to be pestered like that. Had he eaten anything? Was he feeling well? Did he want to have a lay down?
“I’m sorry I’ve been bugging you a lot lately,” Brian apologised, his voice back again, though only just above a whisper. “I mean, I think I’m a little lonely, y’know?” He wanted to admit that he had come over on the off chance that Amelie would be there, but didn’t want to seem so desperate for her attention, or to have Stefan feel like he didn’t appreciate his.
“It’s okay Brian, really. I enjoy your company.”
“But you’re tired. I might go…”
“No, please.” Stefan was a little too hasty in his reply. Brian felt even worse as he realised Stefan was afraid to leave him alone. He was okay. Really… He wanted so badly to believe himself. “Stay, and I’ll cook you something to take home tonight. I have to leave this afternoon to see Marc’s parents. We’re staying there for the weekend. Will you be alright?”
“I’m fine, Stef.” The look on his face told Brian he didn’t really believe him, which was okay, because he wasn’t really telling the truth, anyway.
Brian’s mood had lifted as he spent the afternoon sitting at Stefan’s kitchen counter watching him cook, feeling a little guilty that it was all for him but then knowing that Stefan loved to have people to cook for.
“Amelie was here this morning,” Stefan said, trying his best to keep his tone casual, and not to give Brian any clues as to where he wanted their conversation to lead. They had to talk about this. There was no more avoiding it.
“She seems to come here a lot.”
“You don’t seem to mind. Just like old times, hey?” Brian smiled.
“Yeah, a little.” His smile was quick to fade. Just like old times. No, he didn’t want that. He couldn’t go through that kind of torture again. He’d already considered avoiding Amelie, fearing that his heart beat a little too fast in her presence and not wanting to fall for her. No, not again.
“You two have always seemed to have a special bond, Brian.”
“Where is this heading..?”
“I’m just worried. I’m a friend to you both and I’m worried.”
“What, because I can’t keep my friends? Because I’m so utterly horrible to everyone I know? Because I take advantage of people and situations and getting close to me is like trying to get blood from a stone?”
“Brian you’re taking this the wrong way. I’m your friend, aren’t I?”
“Are you?” His eyes were slits at this point and Stefan worried he’d not be able to diffuse the situation. He didn’t want to leave for the weekend with this hanging between them. Of course Brian knew they were friends, but he was hurt. Stefan was figuring him out faster than he could figure himself out which was irritating to say the least.
“I just want to make sure… I mean… and I’m only speculating here of course… but you didn’t take to her leaving very well in the past. I always thought something had happened at the airport, or at her place the night before…”
“Are you suggesting that I fucked–”
“I’m not suggesting anything, Brian. I’m just pointing out the obvious in that your relationship with her seems a very intense one, and I don’t want either of you getting hurt.” Brian took a moment to let Stefan’s words sink in.
“But why would we get hurt?”
“Don’t take this the wrong way but… you can be rather sensitive, and you’re terrible at letting other people know how you feel.” Brian suppressed the tears he could feel coming on. “I know you never talked about it, but I knew that you were hurting when she left.”
“Stef, we used to spend just about every waking moment together. Of course I was upset when she left and I was so sure I’d never see her again.”
“You could have made an effort. She was upset, too.”
“I don’t need this right now,” Brian said, getting up from the stool he was sat on, throwing his arms up in the air in exasperation.
“Brian, she needs you right now more than anyone. She needs a good friend, someone that makes her feel good about herself.” Brian paused in the hallway, listening to Stefan speak as he hid around the corner. “But I need to know that you’re friends.” He emphasised the word.
“Not that it’s any of your fucking business, but I don’t fuck everyone I meet, thank you very much.” And with the brilliant slam of a door, Brian was off.