And I Bet That You Exploded in My Heart

Alex didn’t just wake up one day and decided that, yes, it was a good idea to fall in love with Rian Dawson, who was in a committed relationship – a straight one at that. It’d happened gradually, so slowly that he barely noticed at first, but then after a while, he began to realise that he smiled so much more when the drummer was around. He also found himself drifting off whenever Rian said anything, but he’d be able to recall exactly what it was that he said, even months later.

It wasn’t a big deal, for him to be in love with another man; Alex had known he was gay since high school. What else was high school for, if not figuring important shit like that out? But what made him pause one day, halfway through putting his guitar over his shoulder for the show, was the fact that Rian was in a relationship. He’d never fallen for anyone who’d been in a relationship before. Usually, they were single and willing to get into a relationship with him. Of course, if they didn’t want to be in a relationship with him, he’d accepted that and go to find a guy who was.



“Hey Alex.” Rian said, flopping onto the couch next to the singer after the show.

“H-hey Rian.” Alex replied, and then internally cursed himself for stuttering. He wasn’t a teenage with his first crush dammit; he was a grown man. He could talk to Rian without making stupid mistakes.

“Good show wasn’t it?”

“Hell yes!” Jack interjected, coming in through the door, “Alex, the showers free.”

Alex jumped up, ignoring the little ache his heart gave at having to leave Rian, and went through to the shower. Getting into the hot water, he was grateful for the small distraction. A minute ago, he’d felt like he was going to say something stupid, like how much he loved the drummer, or how much he was jealous of Cass and wanted to be in her position. He scrubbed his hair with shampoo, thinking about how fucking often that thought crossed him mind. A dozen times a day, if not more. It seemed to happen more often after a show, when Rian was looking ridiculously happy.

Alex just wished that he could be the reason for the blindingly white smile that graced Rian’s face more often. He wished for a lot of things; for Rian to be single; for Rian to be even the slightest interest in him as more than a friend; for Rian to notice how much he loved him; and for Rian to never know how much he loved him.

Fuck, Alex was doomed.



A few days later, and Alex’s patience and love was to be tested. Again. It was an off-day for the band, which meant different things to each band member. For Zack, it meant that he could go and take photographs without the band bothering him; for Jack, it gave him a chance to sit around and talk shit with the crew; and for Rian…well, for Rian it meant that Cassaddee was coming over. For Alex, that meant that he was going to make himself scarce, or risk himself saying something stupid.

Rian was actually at the airport now, picking Cass up, and that thought made Alex feel jealous and a little bit sick. He had to get out of the tour bus before the happy couple came back. He had to. Getting out of his bunk was a struggle, seeing as he was tangled in the sheets, but he managed to be up, dressed in sweats and a random t-shirt, grabbing his phone and iPod from his bunk, and out of the tour bus door before anyone even realised he was going. He thought that doing this was an achievement, but he still wished that he didn’t have to disappear on their days off. In other words, whenever Cass came to the bus. It hurt his heart to think about Rian being happy with someone else; it was why he’d started to go on runs without the usual warm up. The slight pain in his legs helped him to forget the pain in his heart that was all-consuming on off-days. So did music.

He pressed play on his iPod, having shoved his headphones on as he’d left the bus. He hoped that the music would help him forget how fucking happy Rian was when he’d set off to the airport. (He knew it wouldn’t, but he hoped nonetheless.)

As Alex began to jog, feeling the burn begin to spread in his muscles because he hadn’t warmed up, he thought about the way Rian smiled and the way it melted his heart every time he saw it. He spent a stupid amount of time during the day and at night thinking about the things that he and Rian would do if they were together. He’d decided that Rian would be the one to make the first move, probably while they were watching a movie in the back lounge, and that their first kiss would set his blood alight with happiness, so much that he’d only be able to stare with wide eyes as Rian blushed, admitting that he’d wanted to do that for a while. They’d be so happy together.

He shook his head, banishing the thought from his mind. He knew that he’d never have a chance with Rian, but it didn’t stop him from wishing. He continued to run around the empty streets of San Francisco. It never ceased to amaze him that no matter how many times they visited a city, there was always something new to be found out. He felt that today was gonna be no different.



“Alex?”

“Y-yeah Jack?” He stuttered, hating the fact that there were tears on his face, running down his cheeks.

“Are you crying?” Jack asked quietly.

Just his best friend’s quiet concern for him has Alex sobbing against the brick wall he was leaning against. The reason for his crying was that it had truly hit him that Rian was never going to be with him. At least not in that way, the way that Alex desperately wished for.

“Y-yes.”

Through his mobile, Alex could hear Jack getting up and putting his shoes on.

“Where are you Alex?” Jack said.

“I-in an alleyway, not far from the bus,” Alex replied, trying to no avail to stop the tears falling, “Jack…”

“Yes?”

“Why did I have to fall for him?” Alex asked, even though he knew that Jack had no idea who he was talking about, “It’s so painful, seeing him with his girlfriend. I just wanna cry all the time when I see them together. She gets all the things I want. Jack I want him. Why can’t he love me?”

Alex could hear Jack’s footsteps as his best friend replied, “Who’ve you fallen for?”

Alex’s stomach twisted, there’s no way that Jack will accept him for this, but it’s been weighing on his mind for the past two years. He needed to share his secret with someone.

“Rian.” He whispered after a long silence. It felt like a confession and a sin all at once, causing Alex’s head to pulse in time with his heart.

“Really?”

Alex looked up to find a sympathetic Jack looking down at him. At the sight, Alex broke down again, curling in on himself on the dirty alley floor in an effort to protect himself from his own thoughts.

“Oh Alex…”

He jumped at the arm Jack put around his waist, pulling him into hug. Alex stayed there as Jack stroked his back.

“There, there Alex,” Jack soothed gently, moving his hand is circular motions, “Just cry for as long as you need.”

And Alex did exactly that.