Wide Awake, My Mistake

She returned home to her studio apartment after a long day at the office. She worked as a general manager for a department store. The youngest in the particular store's history. She kicked off her shoes and dropped her keys in a small bowl by the door. Flicking on a light in the kitchen, she bent to fill a small, porcelain bowl for a cat that she rarely saw. Exiting after pouring herself a large glass of red wine.

She knew she ought to go out and be with friends when she felt this low. She knew that she should call someone, keep herself accountable to someone who cared about her; but the depression was setting in already and the idea of picking up her phone, dialing a number, and actually holding a conversation seemed far too much work. Instead she turned on some music, downed her glass of wine, and switched to her alcohol of choice. Forgoing a glass she began drinking straight from the bottle, a practice she hadn't done since high school.

She laid down on her couch, still in her expensive clothes that were currently getting wrinkled and covered in cat hair. She sighed but couldn't bring herself to do anything about it. She tried to make sense of the mood she found herself in. She hadn't felt this way in quite some time, the last time briefly in college when she had made it into a sorority and hadn't had anyone back home whom she could inform of the accomplishment. And once again when graduation came and went and all the friends she'd thought would be with her until the end, back home, couldn't make it or even bother to answer their phones.

Hours past and she hadn't moved from the couch. Her cat, at some point, had jumped on top of her asking for her to pet him. She had obliged, happy that someone wanted to be around her. A comforting thought that lasted only as long as his attention span. She wanted so desperately to shake this mood. To snap out of the pain of disappointment. She had gotten over the fact that her upbringing provided her with no one that would transfer into adulthood. So why on Earth had his call and voicemail brought up so many emotions?

He hadn't contacted her since her graduation. And even then he'd only sent her a bouquet of flowers and a one line card; Congrats, Con! Knew you could do it. He hadn't even bothered to return the call she had made to thank him. She had moved on in the three years since. Put everything behind her, chastised herself for thinking that anyone from Maryland had ever really cared about the weird girl she had once been.

So why, why was he intent on contacting her now. The missed call and voicemail still sat on her phone waiting for her to listen. She sighed, pulling herself up onto an arm, squinting at the extremely bright screen in the darkened room; she knew she had to do something about it. She could continue to ignore it and go on as though he'd never reached out, or she could listen to it and bring up all sorts of old memories she'd tried so hard to block out.

Instead of making any form of a decision she looked at the other notifications she'd received since returning home. Her oldest friend from college, Jamie, had texted her wondering how she was doing. Although she hadn't uttered a word about the call to her at lunch that day, Jamie always knew when something was bothering her. Another from the same girl, inviting her out. She must've known how desperately she'd need a drink. Conner sighed, she didn't have the ambition to even inform the girl of her decision to stay home.

Flopping back down on the couch and throwing her phone to the side, she settled in for the night. She didn't want to get up, get changed, take off makeup, climb into bed; it was all too much work in the state of mind that she found herself in. As she was drifting into an alcohol induced haze, her phone lit up and began singing an obnoxious little jingle.

"Hello?" She slurred, unsure, not bothering to check who it was.

"Conner?" The voice asked back apprehensively. "Is that really you?" He sounded hopeful.

By now she sat up, needing to change positions to be fully alert. With her hand pressed to her face, she sighed. "Yeah, it's me."

"Holy shit, it's been a while. You sound drunk right now." Her heart constricted; how was it, that despite the fact that they had not been in contact with one another in close to seven years, he still held some sort of power over her. "Have you been drinking? Are you busy?" He seemed nervous.

"No, no I'm not busy. Yeah, I guess it has been a while. And I may have been drinking..." She had no idea where to go with this conversation. There was so much she wanted to say; she missed him, still every day. She was so incredibly angry and hurt. Where the hell had he been? And what the hell was so important that he could never pick up his phone?

Although all of these things rattled their way through her brain, she couldn't bring herself to say any of them. And so she stayed silent. "Well how have you been?" He began, cautiously. "I know I'm an ass for saying this, but I've missed you."

His statement took her off guard; how dare he miss her when the entire separation had been his decision. She'd never wanted to lose him. She had told him this as he helped her pack the few things she'd possessed before going away to college. "You have?" She asked back, incredulously.

"Yeah...I really have." He said earnestly. "I'm in Minnesota..." The words stunned her; made the room spin from something other than the alcohol. "...was hoping you and I could maybe get together, catch up?" She tuned back into the conversation midway. And again was rendered speechless; did she let the only boy she'd ever cared about back into her life? He had been the first person she'd really connected to, the only one she'd ever cared about before leaving the state. And, although she'd never believe possible at the time, the one person she never thought would abandon her. "I'd understand if you were busy though...it is short notice. But I'll be here for a while."

She sighed, willed her vocal cords to work. She didn't know what she'd say, but knew she'd never have a chance like this if she didn't act. "No, I'm not busy. I can definitely meet up." She cursed herself for what she'd said; it sounded desperate.

Despite everything, he let out the familiar chuckle that filled her dreams. "Now? Don't you have to work tomorrow?"

"Well, no, I didn't mean now...just that I'm not busy and we could meet up. And no, I don't work tomorrow; I never work Fridays." The conversation had worked her up, she was so nervous, she began playing with the loose strands of the couch's cushion.

"Yeah, it's probably a little late for you for any kind of company..." He said a tone to his voice that she couldn't place. "The days of you staying up all night long are probably long behind you." He chuckled again, this time a hint of nervousness playing in his voice.

"Well, actually, that's never really gone away; still an insomniac." She replied, embarrassment flushing her face.

"I know it's forward, but would it be alright if I came over tonight? I mean since you don't have to work and if you don't have anything going on in the morning...?" This shocked her to her core. She wanted so desperately to tell him no. That she didn't want to see him. She looked around thinking about how she should tell him no so that he wouldn't see the sad and lonely truth that had become her life. "It could be like old times? Hanging out late into the night, just talking...possibly a bottle of tequila between us." He laughed at himself and hung onto the silence, waiting for an answer.

"Yes." She couldn't believe the words that came out of her mouth. She meant them, she really did. But, the truth was, they scared her. She meant it though, she wanted nothing more than to see the face on the other end of the phone. She knew sleep was far out of the question given this phone call had sobered her up instantly. "I can text you the address."

They said an awkward goodbye and hung up the phone. She looked around her apartment, frantically. He'd said he'd be there in twenty minutes to a half an hour. How on Earth could she clean the place and get herself looking presentable in that short amount of time? It wasn't that she wanted to impress him exactly...she simply wanted him to realize just how much he'd walked away from. Although they'd only been friends, he should've known how much she'd cared about him back then.

The moment the call ended her mind began to race. She couldn't figure out what her next move would be. Not knowing how much time she'd wasted staring off into space, she began to tidy up the small apartment. She cursed herself for having allowed the place to become such chaos. Clothes laid haphazardly around her bed, cans of soda covered random surfaces, empty bottles of wine lined her kitchen counters. She ran around like a mad woman; upset, for the first time since obtaining the apartment, that it didn't have walls to contain some of the mess.

She searched through the clothes in her dresser. Agonizing over what she should wear. She wanted an outfit to make him realize just how much he was missing. When none of her options appealed to her, she opted for something comfortable. With all the tension that would become of this meeting, she rationalized that she should at least be comfortable in what she wore rather than worrying about how it looked. She pulled on her favorite Star Wars t-shirt, worn and slightly tattered. Coupling this with a pair of black yoga pants she put on a pair of knock off uggs.

Looking around her apartment her hands felt empty. She wanted to make sure everything was in place. Wanted so desperately to give off a good impression to the boy from her past. Though she knew it was silly, who cared what he thought. Though she knew somewhere in the back of her head her high school self was screaming at her that she did; she cared so dearly. Her heart continued to pick up pace; anxiety setting in. She felt so exposed, everything in her apartment was a piece of herself. From the artwork that she felt explained her, the books she cherished, the pictures of her life hanging on the walls. To look around was to see into a part of herself. Was she ready to give him even that? She took a large pull of the bottle of whiskey.

Sitting still her mind went back to racing. Had she made a mistake allowing him to come over? What could they possibly say to one another? What did you say to the person who abandoned you when they promised they never would? What did you say to the person who broke your heart into a million pieces? How could you catch up with your best friend in the entire world when you hadn't spoken to one another in over seven years? How can you be over someone and still hurt so much from everything they'd done? As her mind pondered all of these things, three more large gulps of the acrid liquid traveled down into her system.

She was feeling her buzz returning when her door's buzzer rang. She opened the door and awaited for his knock. She was so worried. As she moved towards the door, she passed a mirror and realized her hair was a frizzy mess. She ran to her bathroom and placed her hat on top of the curly mop. As she looked herself over, she subconsciously realized she was wearing the bracelet he'd gotten for her upon acceptance into college. She worried it would make her look even more pathetic.

Finally he made it to her door and knocked loudly three times. She took a deep breath, took a pull of the bottle, and made her way to the door. She stole a moment to look through the peep hole. There he was, her breath caught itself in her throat for a moment. Gathering all her strength, she let him in.