Wide Awake, My Mistake

The week that followed, all she could think of was the kiss. Why had he done it? What did it mean? How did she feel? How could she have kicked him out of her apartment?

She played the scene in her head over and over; how she'd pulled away, tears already falling. 'You need to leave.' She had said before locking herself away in the bathroom. She stayed in there, sitting on the floor with her back to the door, until she heard him walk out of her apartment, the door shutting behind him. She'd broken down then, crying until she couldn't cry anymore; her tear ducts shriveled versions of their earlier selves. Her face was streaked red from where they'd fallen, her nose stuffed and running. She made it to her bed at six the next morning, sleeping for a good portion of the day. She stayed in bed all weekend, a shell of her former self; she felt numb.

On one hand, she knew it would turn out this way. There was just too much tension, too far-fetched of a story to believe, too much time past. But deep down she had hoped, for once the fairy tale could have come true. That something could've gone the way she'd wanted. She still felt where his lips had been, where his hands had touched her. She missed him. More than ever, more so than when seven years had separated them. She started listening to his band's albums again, craving his voice.

She stopped paying attention to her phone. Work had realized she'd been dealing with stuff and her assistant general manager had stepped up to handled what they normally would have hounded her about. Her friends gave up on trying to contact her, letting her have her space. Leaving only him to blow up her phone. Which even that had slowed down.

She knew ignoring him, giving him no answer, was cruel. Part of her felt as if he deserved it; he was the one who had broken his promise to her, left her hanging for years. She couldn't help feeling even more overwhelmed, though, at the idea that she was causing him pain. She couldn't handle talking to him. She didn't know what she wanted, didn't know what she could handle.

Thursday night came around again, and she was still locked away in her studio. The bottle of whiskey back in her hands. Her phone rang, assuming it was still him being the only one to contact her, she answered. Not sure what she'd say, but knew she'd prolonged long enough. "Conner!" A cheery voice said into the phone.

It through her off guard, this was not the boy she'd assumed it would be. She knew the voice but couldn't place it. "Yes, who is this?"

"Really? Has it been that long that you could forget me?" The voice asked back, feigning hurt. "It's Jack...Barakat? Dulaney high school?"

Everything clicked into place. Although she'd always liked the boy Alex considered his best friend, he'd always made her uncomfortable. He was just so much to handle. She took a deep breath, "Oh, wow, hey." She felt stupid for her response and didn't know how to follow it. What did he want all of a sudden?

"Hey, so I'm really sorry about everything that happened..." He started nervously, something extremely uncharacteristic of him. "But Alex, he won't leave the city unless you give him an answer. And I'm not pressuring you, because he deserves to be left hanging for a little bit, but it's killing him. And so I was just wondering if maybe I could help clear things up...be an impartial person; the inside man, if you will." With that he started to sound more like his joking self, and to be honest she found herself chuckling slightly.

"Well, it's okay. I mean, you and I weren't as close and you guys had so much going on. In some way I understand. I'm just hurt, still." She had no idea why she opened up to him. Maybe it was because he was from her past, knew what had happened before and after she'd left, but hadn't been the one to hurt her. "I don't want to hurt him more, and I'm not trying to make him wait...I just don't know what to say to him. Or if I even can."

He paused for a moment. "Well, that's a start. I honestly didn't think you'd even talk to him, let alone me. I tried to get Rian to talk to you. But he's been so busy with his girlfriend...not important." He rambled, typical Jack. She hung on the conversation. She hadn't realized how much she'd missed high school. After she left she rarely talked about it, having no one who had been there. "How are you doing?"

Again, this surprised him. Jack had always been a lose canon, hyper, party kid; not that he wasn't a good guy and friend, they'd just never connected and she'd never seen this side of him. "I'm not sure, honestly. I'm so confused, so much that I'd forgotten has come flooding back in this past week. And I don't know how to take all of the new information that's come my way."

"That's understandable. Well, I was just calling to say if you wanted someone to talk it over with, or to confirm anything, you can reach out to me." He sounded genuine. She knew he was doing this for Alex, to help him get his answer, but she couldn't help feeling gratitude that he would contact her.

She remained silent for a moment, a small part of her not wanting to let him off of the phone. This was the most social she'd been in the past week. Somehow it relaxed her, she felt herself genuinely smiling for the first time. "Thanks, Jack, I really appreciate that. My head's a mess right now and I don't know what to do."

"Do you want to talk about it?" He asked, cautiously. "I mean, I'm not busy. I just didn't want to force you to talk..."

"I wouldn't even know where to begin." She answered truthfully. Nothing in her brain made sense. Potentially because her heart was constantly contradicting.

"Well, how about why did you answer my call?" It was a fair question, that probably hadn't made much sense to him since she picked up the call. She explained how she'd thought it would be Alex, and how she felt that it was about time she attempt to talk to him. "Oh shit, well if you were gonna talk to him, I'll let you go." There was excitement in his voice.

"No! Please, wait." She said flustered. "I was only going to answer out of guilt. But honestly, I'm sure it would've been more painful for him. My emotions are running wild; I'm confused, hurt, angry, excited. I hate that the distance is hurting him, Jack, but I can't give him an answer when I don't have one for myself."

"Well, then I guess it was a good thing it wasn't him..." He responded awkwardly. They'd never been on this level before, they hadn't ever confided in one another. "Well what do you want to say to him? I won't repeat it." He said hurriedly. "I promise, if you don't trust me, I understand. But I wouldn't have called without already knowing that nothing could be repeated; it wouldn't help him to hear everything you're thinking, it would just hurt you."

She was taken aback, he certainly had grown up since high school. She chastised herself, silently, for the thought; of course he had, it had been seven years after all. "Wow, well thank you. I honestly hadn't thought of that... Which is odd, as I tend to over think everything."

He chuckled, "I remember."

She took a deep breath, this would be hard. "I don't know what I want to say to him, I'm afraid to hurt him. He was so vulnerable when I saw him... If I could say anything and not worry about him, I'd probably yell at him about how deeply he'd hurt me. How I fell into a horribly depressed state of mind during such a pivotal point in time for me. I'd probably end up telling him about the drugs I'd abused, and make him feel guilty; though I'd feel so incredibly guilty myself making him think he was to blame." She paused, feeling incredibly embarrassed that she'd actually spoken that out loud.

"Wow, little Conner, drugs?" He responded now, not even thinking about the situation. "I can't picture it."

"I mean, once the alcohol wasn't enough..." She explained herself. "I started fucking up in school which was making myself feel even worse about myself. I had no friends there or home. It was a rough time... I started with prescription Adderall, trying to focus in school. I fell into the wrong crowd, started getting into all sorts of other things. Just experimenting, once I got into my sorority, my sisters helped shake me of it all."

He laughed at this, "I cannot see you in a sorority." This made her think back to the girl she had been; she never really got along with other girls back in high school. Not that she had a problem with them, they generally didn't understand her, like her, or connect with her. "Did you guys have pillow fights?" He asked excitedly, reminding her of the Jack he once had been.

She laughed along with him, "No, come to think of it, I never, once, heard of anyone having a pillow fight."

"Well that's just disappointing." He replied, laughing still. "Why are you worried about him though? I know he's my best friend, but after what he did to you, he might deserve it?"

She took another deep breath, something she had gotten in the habit of to help combat her anxiety. "Hearing what he had to say about what had happened, how he acted when he told me, I know there's a lot more to it than him simply not caring, abandoning me like I'd always thought. I don't want to hurt him with senseless yelling and blaming." She felt her cheeks flush, she was nervous to tell him the inner workings of her brain. "And worse even, I know he'd take it all; as some sort of sick penance for what had happened." She came up for air, after making herself winded, forcing everything out as quick as possible. Jack sat silently on the other end, listening respectfully. "What really did happen? What happened when I left? Why did he send me flowers when I graduate, and more importantly how did he know where and when to send them?"