Chrome Visions
The Adventures Of Dysentary Gary
A/N: ZOMG!! Ugh, I didn't know that the band Attack! Attack! was Christian, because I thought the singer was singing romantically about his gay lover. No wonder why that (kind of hot, but no hetero) Christian emo boy invited me to his stupid youth group after he found out I liked that band. I told him no more Jesus mind tricks. He did invite me to church a couple times, but his parents were annoyed that I kept falling asleep during the sermon. Like, wowzers, his parents are a snooze alert, srsly. Anyway, so I'm thinking about asking Abby to be my gurrrlfriend! She's the one who I lost my virginity to, but she says it doesn't count because she has a boyfriend and there needs to be some serious peen involved. So, technically, I'm still a virgin but I'm not a lez-virge anymore! I wonder if it counts if a girl has a strap-on... Anyways, so I have to (lamely) take an extra semester of high school because I fell behind after being in troubled teens home for a summer a while ago, which really really really sucks. Like, why would the universe create bipolar people if they're just going to attack cashiers for looking at them funny (and that bastard deserved to be PUNCHED IN THE FACE MUWAHAHAHAHA!)?
Ooh! The title is actually a reference to Blink-182! (2nd) Best Band in the world!! (Stay)Armstrong!
Travis Barker took a deep breath as the Blink-182 tour bus stopped in front of the cholo-infested inner city school. Today was national Pop-Punk Appreciation Day and it was a tradition for bands, after the inagurration of Heather Heartless, to visit impoverished schools and bring the gift of Pop-punk to poor, unfortunate children who couldn't afford i-pods and instead spent their money on second-hand rap CDs or tacos. Many children had personally written to Travis Barker, Tom Delonge, and Mark Hoppus, thanking them for inspiring them to work towards a brighter future as opposed to joining gangs and ending up in jail like 95% of the population. Obviously, Blink-182 couldn't play songs like "Dick Lips" or "Mutt" because they were about whores, and whore were inappropriate. But, songs like "Dammit" (a great anthem about being misunderstood) and "Anthem pt. 2" were great songs for the whole family! In fact, Travis Barker had even gotten a spot on the Kids Choice Awards on the ever classic Nickolodeon network for efforts in fixing up the ghettos. He was proud of himself. Mark Hoppus sneezed. He wondered about the diseases he could catch from the children, but decided it was all worth it if he could get the kids interested in real music.
As the band poured out of the bus, a few of the teachers gave them pitying glances. You see, this was Chigaco, and it's one of the worst ghettos in America, most of the kids had saggy pants and oversized hats, and grabbed at their crotches daily. This is why Heather had people like Jay-Z and Nikki Minage executed for corrupting the youth. Travis looked at his supply of hair gel and various color hair dye, he was going to need a lot of it to change these kids. He figured they would like colors like midnight black, radical red, dynatmite yellow and soul blue the best because of how bright the colors were. The valiant pop-punk hero's began walking down the dank, dimly-lit hallway, lugging their heavy guitars and drums behind them. Children were growling at them, throwing erasers and even chucking globs of glue at them! Travis looked back at a young, malnourished boy with a mullet and a Metallica shirt. "That's Gary, but we all call him Dysentary Gary. The poor child has an explosive diarrhea problem brought on by anxiety. None of the children will play with him. He's such a bright child too..." One of the teacher's lamented. Travis looked at Dysentary Gary and his heart broke. Any child would wear a horrible metal shirt if they shat themselves everytime he talked to a girl, Travis could sympathize completely. Maybe he could befriend the little guy.
Travis slowly approached Dysentary Gary. There was no one else around because of the other kids were fucking bitches who couldn't value individuality. He held out his hand for a high-five. "Hey there, dude, how's it hanging? Want me and my damn epic band to introduce you to some good music?" He asked softly. Dysentary Gary looked at him for a second and then started screeching at the top of his lungs. Then he dashed back inside his classroom. The other children started to laugh profusely at the poor metal-band lover. Travis sighed. He remembered being picked on back in high-school, it was a trying time that tested his resolve and strength to carry on. His heart may be black, but it was tough enough to wistand preps and jocks beating him up every day for being different. The band took the equipment to the auditorioum and began setting it up. They would be giving the kids a personal concert during their lunch period. They were sure to win some new fans today! But, Tom Delonge was having PTSD flashbacks. Last year, when they visited Pittsburgh, a 7 year old girl stuck a fork in his forehead and the pain was literally unbearable. Thankfully, the problem was fixed when they found out that her parents were traditionalists that only allowed classic rock and taught their daughter such bigotry like emo was bad for your health and that pop-punk would rot out your brains. Social services became involved and placed the child in a better, proper home and the parents were placed in a re-education camp, as decreed by the Black House. But, months later, Tom would still have horrific nightmares of metal piercing his skull.
Soon, it was lunch time.
All of the children were herded into the cafeteria and to their eventual salvation. They looked extremely bored, because the school could never teach them anything interesting, and disgusted by the plastic food set out in front of them. Most of them began fighting as a form of entertainment, and their noses began to break. The teachers called for order, but it was no use, the children were just too impoverished to act civilized. Suddenly Tom Delonge stepped up to the microphone, as an epic guitar riff echoed in the background, and the band broke out into "All The Small Things". Everyone stopped fighting, and they were quiet, their young, impressionable eyes fixated on the band. They were mesmerized. Tom and Mark sang out their hearts, pouring all of their passionate emotions into every note and verse. They knew they had true power behind their words, so they chose to use it. Their black hearts united with the crowds, and everyone felt as if they finally had a place to belong. The crowd began to sing along, harmoniously. It was a kodak moment. Travis scanned the crowds for Dysentary Gary, he hoped he was paying attention!
The band took a short break to hang out one-on-one with the kids. It was good thing they had brought extra hair gel, because everyone wanted their hair spiked and dyed. Tom had so many kids hanging off him and begging for his attention that it more than made up for all of the mayhem that happened last year. Mark Hoppus was showing some third graders how to create simple guitar riffs. All of the kids signed waivers stating that they would take classes on Emo Music Theory 101 in order to spread the awesomness to other countries. It was a brilliant cause. Then Travis noticed something out of place. There were a group of kids huddled in the corner giggling menacingly at something. No one else noticed, besides him. He felt a gas bubble erupt in his stomach and doubled over, he had been terrible indigestion issues for a couple days. Maybe he should quickly run to the bathroom before checking out the kids and continuing the show. Then, he heard a familiar voice sobbing and his previous concerns dripped clean from his mind.
Travis approached the mass of kids. They were giggling and a pointing a (now stinky) Dysentary Gary, who had brown stained shorts and was crying sobbing softly. The kids smiled and turned to Travis, as if wanting to share an inside joke. "Haha, look, Dysentary Gary poo-pooed everywhere again because he sucks!" A young boy shouted mirthfully, and the kids laughed. Dysentary Gary cried louder. Travis smacked a couple of the brats out of the way and bent down by Dysentary Gary, patting his head.
"Dude, what happened?" Travis asked gently.
"I-It's just, I-I was so happy to finally see you guys play. Y-you're my favorite band and my mean parents won't let me listen to you because they say you're the r-reason why this country is so bad now. And t-then everyone started bullying me, and I accidentally..." Dysentary Gary choked out. Travis was shocked. Blink-182 was his favorite band?? He thought he would have to somehow fight tooth and nail to convince the young metal-head to fall in love with his band. Travis's heart was swelling inside. He helped Dysentary Gary to his feet.
Unfortunately, the other people in the cafeteria noticed him as well. "Haha, look at Dysentary Gary! He's such a shit-head!" The entire school mocked him as Travis helped Dysentary Gary to the stage. They were hurling pencils and trying to spit all over him out of distaste. Travis Barker felt more gas bubbles burst in his stomach and groaned in pain. He looked over at the poor shit-covered boy out of his pity and sympathy. What he didn't know is that his sympathy would quickly turn to empathy, as he tried to suppress the gas bubbling and then...sharting copiously. Silence fell over the room. But, Travis grinned, grabbed the arm of Dysentary Gary and pumped their fists in the air.
"See, kids, sometimes it's cool to shit yourself. So goddammit, leave Dysentary Gary alone! He's one of us now!" Travis shouted. Then everyone grabbed their equipment. "This is a song written for you, Dysentary Gary, because you're one cool dude!" Blink 182 began to play "Dysentary Gary"
A brand new song!
"Got a lotta heart ache
He's a fucking weasel
His issues make my mind ache
Want to make a deal
'Cause I love your little motions
You do with your pigtails
What a nice creation
Worth another night in jail"
Everyone in the cafeteria started dancing. Dysentary Gary got up and on stage and did a stage dive
"He's a player,
Diarrhea giver,
Tried to grow his hair
'Cause he's listening to Slayer
I would like to find him Friday night
Hanging out with mom and trying on his father's tights"
Travis sang passionately, in order to show his appreciation and sympathy for the little boy that had made his entire day, after all, Blink 182 wouldn't be the amazing band they were without amazing fans to support them and go to their shows!
"Life just sucks,
I lost the one,
I'm giving up,
She found someone
There's plenty more,
Girls are such a drag
Fuck this place,
I lost the war,
I hate you all,
Your mom's a whore
Where's my dog?
'Cause girls are such a drag"
Dysentary Gary ripped off his Metallica shirt, flipped a match and lit on a fire. He was wearing a Blink-182 shirt underneath that was black and had their classic smiley face with X-ed out eyes on it. He never felt so more proud of his favorite band in his life, especially since he had a song written about him! Maybe he could finally tell his parents to fuck off now!
After the concert, everyone cheered for both Blink 182 and Dysentary Gary. Travis helped him tell the principal all about how his parents were harboring treasonous thoughts, and they came to a decision that Dysentary Gary had been brought up all wrong, and they needed to set his education straight. Then, the band had a great idea.
As they were walking out to the tour bus, Travis Barker, Mark Hoppus and Tom Delonge leaned down next to Dysentary Gary, who was sad that his favorite band was leaving. "You're coming with us on tour, little dude!" Travis said, happy because he had been offered a chance to adopt Dysentary Gary. He had no experience with being father, but thought he could at least be a helpful older brother and steer him on the right path.
Dysentary Gary's face dropped and then he pumped his fist into the hair. "FUCK YEAHHH!" He shouted and Travis chuckled.
"Can I beep the horn?"
"Of course little dude!"
Ooh! The title is actually a reference to Blink-182! (2nd) Best Band in the world!! (Stay)Armstrong!
Travis Barker took a deep breath as the Blink-182 tour bus stopped in front of the cholo-infested inner city school. Today was national Pop-Punk Appreciation Day and it was a tradition for bands, after the inagurration of Heather Heartless, to visit impoverished schools and bring the gift of Pop-punk to poor, unfortunate children who couldn't afford i-pods and instead spent their money on second-hand rap CDs or tacos. Many children had personally written to Travis Barker, Tom Delonge, and Mark Hoppus, thanking them for inspiring them to work towards a brighter future as opposed to joining gangs and ending up in jail like 95% of the population. Obviously, Blink-182 couldn't play songs like "Dick Lips" or "Mutt" because they were about whores, and whore were inappropriate. But, songs like "Dammit" (a great anthem about being misunderstood) and "Anthem pt. 2" were great songs for the whole family! In fact, Travis Barker had even gotten a spot on the Kids Choice Awards on the ever classic Nickolodeon network for efforts in fixing up the ghettos. He was proud of himself. Mark Hoppus sneezed. He wondered about the diseases he could catch from the children, but decided it was all worth it if he could get the kids interested in real music.
As the band poured out of the bus, a few of the teachers gave them pitying glances. You see, this was Chigaco, and it's one of the worst ghettos in America, most of the kids had saggy pants and oversized hats, and grabbed at their crotches daily. This is why Heather had people like Jay-Z and Nikki Minage executed for corrupting the youth. Travis looked at his supply of hair gel and various color hair dye, he was going to need a lot of it to change these kids. He figured they would like colors like midnight black, radical red, dynatmite yellow and soul blue the best because of how bright the colors were. The valiant pop-punk hero's began walking down the dank, dimly-lit hallway, lugging their heavy guitars and drums behind them. Children were growling at them, throwing erasers and even chucking globs of glue at them! Travis looked back at a young, malnourished boy with a mullet and a Metallica shirt. "That's Gary, but we all call him Dysentary Gary. The poor child has an explosive diarrhea problem brought on by anxiety. None of the children will play with him. He's such a bright child too..." One of the teacher's lamented. Travis looked at Dysentary Gary and his heart broke. Any child would wear a horrible metal shirt if they shat themselves everytime he talked to a girl, Travis could sympathize completely. Maybe he could befriend the little guy.
Travis slowly approached Dysentary Gary. There was no one else around because of the other kids were fucking bitches who couldn't value individuality. He held out his hand for a high-five. "Hey there, dude, how's it hanging? Want me and my damn epic band to introduce you to some good music?" He asked softly. Dysentary Gary looked at him for a second and then started screeching at the top of his lungs. Then he dashed back inside his classroom. The other children started to laugh profusely at the poor metal-band lover. Travis sighed. He remembered being picked on back in high-school, it was a trying time that tested his resolve and strength to carry on. His heart may be black, but it was tough enough to wistand preps and jocks beating him up every day for being different. The band took the equipment to the auditorioum and began setting it up. They would be giving the kids a personal concert during their lunch period. They were sure to win some new fans today! But, Tom Delonge was having PTSD flashbacks. Last year, when they visited Pittsburgh, a 7 year old girl stuck a fork in his forehead and the pain was literally unbearable. Thankfully, the problem was fixed when they found out that her parents were traditionalists that only allowed classic rock and taught their daughter such bigotry like emo was bad for your health and that pop-punk would rot out your brains. Social services became involved and placed the child in a better, proper home and the parents were placed in a re-education camp, as decreed by the Black House. But, months later, Tom would still have horrific nightmares of metal piercing his skull.
Soon, it was lunch time.
All of the children were herded into the cafeteria and to their eventual salvation. They looked extremely bored, because the school could never teach them anything interesting, and disgusted by the plastic food set out in front of them. Most of them began fighting as a form of entertainment, and their noses began to break. The teachers called for order, but it was no use, the children were just too impoverished to act civilized. Suddenly Tom Delonge stepped up to the microphone, as an epic guitar riff echoed in the background, and the band broke out into "All The Small Things". Everyone stopped fighting, and they were quiet, their young, impressionable eyes fixated on the band. They were mesmerized. Tom and Mark sang out their hearts, pouring all of their passionate emotions into every note and verse. They knew they had true power behind their words, so they chose to use it. Their black hearts united with the crowds, and everyone felt as if they finally had a place to belong. The crowd began to sing along, harmoniously. It was a kodak moment. Travis scanned the crowds for Dysentary Gary, he hoped he was paying attention!
The band took a short break to hang out one-on-one with the kids. It was good thing they had brought extra hair gel, because everyone wanted their hair spiked and dyed. Tom had so many kids hanging off him and begging for his attention that it more than made up for all of the mayhem that happened last year. Mark Hoppus was showing some third graders how to create simple guitar riffs. All of the kids signed waivers stating that they would take classes on Emo Music Theory 101 in order to spread the awesomness to other countries. It was a brilliant cause. Then Travis noticed something out of place. There were a group of kids huddled in the corner giggling menacingly at something. No one else noticed, besides him. He felt a gas bubble erupt in his stomach and doubled over, he had been terrible indigestion issues for a couple days. Maybe he should quickly run to the bathroom before checking out the kids and continuing the show. Then, he heard a familiar voice sobbing and his previous concerns dripped clean from his mind.
Travis approached the mass of kids. They were giggling and a pointing a (now stinky) Dysentary Gary, who had brown stained shorts and was crying sobbing softly. The kids smiled and turned to Travis, as if wanting to share an inside joke. "Haha, look, Dysentary Gary poo-pooed everywhere again because he sucks!" A young boy shouted mirthfully, and the kids laughed. Dysentary Gary cried louder. Travis smacked a couple of the brats out of the way and bent down by Dysentary Gary, patting his head.
"Dude, what happened?" Travis asked gently.
"I-It's just, I-I was so happy to finally see you guys play. Y-you're my favorite band and my mean parents won't let me listen to you because they say you're the r-reason why this country is so bad now. And t-then everyone started bullying me, and I accidentally..." Dysentary Gary choked out. Travis was shocked. Blink-182 was his favorite band?? He thought he would have to somehow fight tooth and nail to convince the young metal-head to fall in love with his band. Travis's heart was swelling inside. He helped Dysentary Gary to his feet.
Unfortunately, the other people in the cafeteria noticed him as well. "Haha, look at Dysentary Gary! He's such a shit-head!" The entire school mocked him as Travis helped Dysentary Gary to the stage. They were hurling pencils and trying to spit all over him out of distaste. Travis Barker felt more gas bubbles burst in his stomach and groaned in pain. He looked over at the poor shit-covered boy out of his pity and sympathy. What he didn't know is that his sympathy would quickly turn to empathy, as he tried to suppress the gas bubbling and then...sharting copiously. Silence fell over the room. But, Travis grinned, grabbed the arm of Dysentary Gary and pumped their fists in the air.
"See, kids, sometimes it's cool to shit yourself. So goddammit, leave Dysentary Gary alone! He's one of us now!" Travis shouted. Then everyone grabbed their equipment. "This is a song written for you, Dysentary Gary, because you're one cool dude!" Blink 182 began to play "Dysentary Gary"
A brand new song!
"Got a lotta heart ache
He's a fucking weasel
His issues make my mind ache
Want to make a deal
'Cause I love your little motions
You do with your pigtails
What a nice creation
Worth another night in jail"
Everyone in the cafeteria started dancing. Dysentary Gary got up and on stage and did a stage dive
"He's a player,
Diarrhea giver,
Tried to grow his hair
'Cause he's listening to Slayer
I would like to find him Friday night
Hanging out with mom and trying on his father's tights"
Travis sang passionately, in order to show his appreciation and sympathy for the little boy that had made his entire day, after all, Blink 182 wouldn't be the amazing band they were without amazing fans to support them and go to their shows!
"Life just sucks,
I lost the one,
I'm giving up,
She found someone
There's plenty more,
Girls are such a drag
Fuck this place,
I lost the war,
I hate you all,
Your mom's a whore
Where's my dog?
'Cause girls are such a drag"
Dysentary Gary ripped off his Metallica shirt, flipped a match and lit on a fire. He was wearing a Blink-182 shirt underneath that was black and had their classic smiley face with X-ed out eyes on it. He never felt so more proud of his favorite band in his life, especially since he had a song written about him! Maybe he could finally tell his parents to fuck off now!
After the concert, everyone cheered for both Blink 182 and Dysentary Gary. Travis helped him tell the principal all about how his parents were harboring treasonous thoughts, and they came to a decision that Dysentary Gary had been brought up all wrong, and they needed to set his education straight. Then, the band had a great idea.
As they were walking out to the tour bus, Travis Barker, Mark Hoppus and Tom Delonge leaned down next to Dysentary Gary, who was sad that his favorite band was leaving. "You're coming with us on tour, little dude!" Travis said, happy because he had been offered a chance to adopt Dysentary Gary. He had no experience with being father, but thought he could at least be a helpful older brother and steer him on the right path.
Dysentary Gary's face dropped and then he pumped his fist into the hair. "FUCK YEAHHH!" He shouted and Travis chuckled.
"Can I beep the horn?"
"Of course little dude!"