Chrome Visions
Channel H For Havoc!
A/N: Ugh, I'm so sick of Cameron trying to show me stupid stunts from Jack-Ass every two seconds, it's so gay. He keeps trying to get me into all of his new interests, which include surfing and skating, and trying to join a punk band because he thinks he's fucking cool now. All I ever hear about is how great Dustin Sane and Tim Armstrong (He must be jealous of how great his brother, Billie Joe is!) are, blah blah blah. I remember when he used to look up to Travis Barker and wanted to be a drumming god like him. Ugh, dumb Long Beach NY! I hate where I live. I've been hanging out with one of the freshmen emo girls and she's really hot. It's still legal if there's a four year age difference but you're still in school, right?? I hope so. She's adorable and reminds me of the Pandora character, even kinda looks like her too.
I had to see my therapist today, but I just sat there silently looking at the clock. He wasn't too happy and my parents yelled at me for wasting their time, but all they do is waste MY time with stupid shit, so why should I care? They still don't know I'm off my meds, because I've gotten really good at controlling my manic side HAHAHA.
Without further interruption, stay motherfucking fucking (Arm)strong! Oh! This takes place right after Jesus II
Once Mike was fully grown, Jesus and Violent J teleported to the Black House to tell Heather and Green Day the good news. Jesus smiled at how great he was for resurrecting part of Green Day, maybe he could even play guitar at one of their shows now! Wouldn't that be awesome? He flipped his teased hair in celebration
....
However, all was not well at the Black House because I was going insane from waiting for Billie Joe fucking Armstrong to apply his damn eyeliner! Uh, seriously, if he would just let me do it like the makeup master I was then maybe we would actually be on time for something instead of being five hours late! In case you're wondering, dear reader, I bought a TV show using this year's tax returns. It is called "Heartless Homies In Search Of Fame" because not enough TV shows have good titles and it was reality TV! I modeled after all of those dumb game shows my senile grandpa used to watch, but with a twist. IT WAS GOING TO INVOLVE DESTRUCTION! And all of my favorite bands as contestants!
Tonight was my first premire, and god dammit, I didn't want to be late! I already had to stop Tre from eating the NY senator's underwear, again. NO MROE BULLSHIT! We drove in a limo to the television studio, where I promptly fired all of the people who wrote a very lame script which I burned and then I took control. Tre was extremely excited at the prospect of being TV, and tried to wag his non-existent tail.
"HEATHER! WHERE DID MY TAIL GOOOOO?" He shrieked wildly. Everyone winced. So, I made the camera guy cut out a paper tail from some construction paper and pin it on Tre's ass. All was well in the world of Tre Cool. But, it felt way more peaceful than normal, almost like something bad had been erased from my life permanently. It was life my life was actually falling into place. Oh, I know why, Mike was dead, WHOO!! I always hated that bastard. Luckily, I brainwashed Billie Joe and messed with the prez watch so that the time paradox never happened and Billie Joe never played country songs like a hick shit.
Suddenly, a burst of light filled the room leaving everyone confused and nauseous. In the middle of the floor stood a very pop-punk Jesus with cool autographed vans, Violent J the dirty juggalo and...goddammit Mike is alive again! Everytime I fucking kill him, he just HAS to come back to life! Ugh, my life fucking sucks! Jesus pranced up to me and wrapped me in a tight hug. "Hiya Heather, I know you're really really sad that Mike died and Green Day probably broke up, so I had my disciple give birth to him and he's grown up quite nicely, twice! You like me right?" He chattered excitedly. "Can I join Green Day now since I saved our favorite band? I have this really really great song called "She's Like A Bomb, She's Got It Going On" that I think Billie Joe would just sound orgasmic on vocals doing! Oooh, can I get your autograph too? I told my father I would get one from you, he's a very big fan of yours!"
I was dumbfounded. Jesus sounded just like some of the preppy sluts that go to my school. Well, he's not THAT annoying, but eww, why would God want my autograph, he must be a pervert or something. Definitely not as cool as Satan, although Satan was usually too punk for my liking. I wheeled around and tried to focus on directing my TV show (and ignoring the now exasperated Mike who definitely didn't want to be there like usual) when Jesus stole the microphone right outta my hand. "Ooh, I know, I'll be the best host ever on your TV show!" He said and hopped up front to introduce the contestants. I groaned, hoping that Jesus wouldn't fuck this up like he fucked up being on the cross.
There were a line of contestants beneath a giant poster of Green Day. Charlie Scene, Travis Barker, Ollie Sykes and Hayley Williams were all the contestants tonight ,with special guest, all the way from Chicago, Dysentary Gary! There was a clap track as Dysentary Gary took a bow and gave Travis Barker a high five. I had read the heart-warming story in the paper of how Blink 182 braved the ghetto school of Chicao, converted all of the savage kids into fine pop-punk fans and even adopted a boy that sometimes shat his pants. (But he was a long-time BLink 182 fan, so it's okay) Jesus grinned as huge as he could and stuck the microphone under Charlie Scene's jaw.
"Hiya everybody, and welcome to the world premiere of Heartless Homies, that soon-to-be popular game-show where we do all the crazy stuff, so you don't have to! I'd like to introduce Charlie Scene of the ever urban yet sinister Hollywood Undead! Mr. Scene, did you get in trouble after your latest Music video where you gave a young child a six-pack of budweiser in return for his skateboard?" Jesus asked
Charlie Scene flipped off the camera and adjusted his shutter shades. "Nah, bro, you see, the little dude was cousin, so it was all legal, man!" He said in a bored voice. Jesus looked miffed and moved on to Travis Barker "And here, everyone's favorite drummer of one of the greatest pop-punks bands in the entire world, we have Travis motherfucking Barker!" Jesus shouted and waited for the applause to die down. Travis nodded at all of the attention he received because he was used to the all love from such adoring fans. He told his mom that he loved her and wished she would attend his fucking shows more often, please?
"Travis, I heard you recently transformed the most ghetto school in America with your soulful music, what was that like for you?" Jesus asked eagerly. Travis flashed the camera his pearly whites.
"Alright, alright, you see, pop-punk is the main ingredient in the sandwich that we call the US, and if some parts are lacking this ingredient, well, the entire sandwhich tastes like shit. Kids, I want you all to know that if you get your daily dose of pop-punk, you'll grow up nice, strong and ready to kick some ass! So, I would like to announce that for today only, all of Blink 182's CDs are free on itunes!" Travis said proudly and if you listened closely, there was cheer that could be heard from round the world.
Next was Ollie Sykes, of the british band, Bring Me The Horizon. He stage-dived into the sea of people watching and crowd-surfed all around the room. Jesus crowd-surfed after him and stuck the microphone near Ollie's mouth. "We have Ollie Sykes of Bring Me The Horizon right here, being hardcore like he normally is. See kids, these guys don't put on an act in concert, this shit is for real, all the time! Ollie, we heard you're doing a collaboration with Escape The Fate for your next album. How's that going?" Jesus asked.
Ollie thought for a moment. "Damn bastards cheat at cards!" He huffed.
Last, but certainly not least was the ever beautiful Hayley Williams! She bit down on her mouth shyly as Jesus sauntered up to her with the microphone. "And here we have Hayley Williams of Paramore! I heard Heather Heartless went on a date with you recently, how was that?" Jesus asked, with a hint of jealously in his voice. Hayley blushed.
"Words cannot describe how magical it was..." She giggled. That bitch better find it magical, because she sucks in bed, I thought. I loved her music, but her body was overrated... After all of the contestants had been introduced and the applause finally died down, Jesus spun a huge wheel in the center of the room. Everyone watched in suspense as the wheel landed on Billie Joe's face. There was a burst of confetti and Billie Joe took the stage, playing amazing riffs. He took a bow and took a swig of beer. "Alright, everybody, this is Billie Joe's "You're A Bastard" where we have our contestants split into teams and do dangerous stunts for cash prizes!" Jesus said excitedly and passed the microphone to Billie Joe, who tried to maintain his balance.
"Alright, you fuckers, WHO'S READY FOR SOME PAIN!" Billie Joe shouted. Everyone cheered, but the contestants looked a little afraid. Suddenly, Billie Joe ripped off his shirt and took out a jar of ghost peppers from the mini fridge in the back. "Okay, you wannabe bastards, here's what you're going to do. You're going to rub ghost peppers all over your balls (or your nipples, if your the only girl here) for a minute. Whoever lasts the longest wins five grand? Any questions? No, fucking great! NOW PUT SOME HEAT ON THOSE BALLS!" He said, rubbing the hot peppers on his own nipples because it gave him a rush. The contestants looked at each other with dread as each pulled down their pants and stuck hot peppers on them. There were many cries of pain and sobbing heard throughout the room. Charlie Scene puked from the pain and rushed off to the bathroom, holding his crotch. After thirty seconds, only Hayley Williams remained and she flashed the crowd in celebration. Billie Joe looked at her body with a sexy look in his eyes and rubbed his nipples faster. The screen cut out as Mike dragged Billie Joe off to the back by his tie.
Jesus looked slightly uncomfortable, but spun the wheel again. This time it landed on "Mike's Mystery Hour" and an exasperated Mike was hauled back up front. "Alright, let me just say that I recently came back from the dead and that this show is worse than Jersey Shore because Heather doesn't have an ounce of creativity in her! Also, Heather, you're a cunt for killing me. That's all." Mike hissed. Everyone booed until I threatened to shoot Mike if he brought the ratings down anymore . Mike sighed and it cut to a small clip of him explaining the mystery of the Lockness Monster. The job was to find this monster and whoever found it, won a brand new sports car. I watched on the screen as Ollie Sykes and Travis Barker were flown out to Ireland to find the elusive monster. They dived into the water and all was silent for the moment. Then I heard the sound of screaming as Travis Barker was being thrashed around by some unknown force. I hoped for his safety. Ollie Sykes found the monster and punched it in the face, causing it to release Travis. They then hugged each other like they were lifelong friends, which they were, all bands were, I presumed.
But, since it was Travis Barker who found the monster originally, he won a brand new mustang! Ollie Sykes kicked the wall in annoyance. "Fuck this show, this some bullshit!" He snapped and then walked offset. We had to bribe him with Pacsun and Zumiez giftcards to get him to come back.
Next, the wheel spun to a picture of Tre's face. But....Tre was nowhere to be found. Then, we saw Tre... and everyone screamed. He was wearing a Russian hat and no shirt and was bending over next to an open flame and leaking gasoline. There was a smirk on his impish face. "Tre, DON'T!" I shouted, begging him not to do what I think he was planning on doing.
"BUT HEATHER, THIS SHOW IS BOOORIIING! I WANNA GO OUT WITH A BLAST! HAHAHA!" He squealed and then farted loudly, causing the entire studio to erupt in flames. I covered my face and dodged through the smoke to save Billie Joe from possibly dying. Everyone was screaming and trying to run out of the burning theater. Jesus just looked confused, and the camera was still on, but our ratings were through the roof, so I guess all of this was worth it. I managed to find Billie Joe naked in the back, watching reruns of the Three Stooges and drinking beer.
"Billie Joe, this show sucks, let's get outta here" I snapped. His eyes were glazed over. I stole his six-pack and ran out of the studio with him drunkenly chasing after me.
To make a long story short, the casualties were high, but the ratings were higher and my show rocketed to the top of the network! Even Mike made it out alive, unfortunately.
I had to see my therapist today, but I just sat there silently looking at the clock. He wasn't too happy and my parents yelled at me for wasting their time, but all they do is waste MY time with stupid shit, so why should I care? They still don't know I'm off my meds, because I've gotten really good at controlling my manic side HAHAHA.
Without further interruption, stay motherfucking fucking (Arm)strong! Oh! This takes place right after Jesus II
Once Mike was fully grown, Jesus and Violent J teleported to the Black House to tell Heather and Green Day the good news. Jesus smiled at how great he was for resurrecting part of Green Day, maybe he could even play guitar at one of their shows now! Wouldn't that be awesome? He flipped his teased hair in celebration
....
However, all was not well at the Black House because I was going insane from waiting for Billie Joe fucking Armstrong to apply his damn eyeliner! Uh, seriously, if he would just let me do it like the makeup master I was then maybe we would actually be on time for something instead of being five hours late! In case you're wondering, dear reader, I bought a TV show using this year's tax returns. It is called "Heartless Homies In Search Of Fame" because not enough TV shows have good titles and it was reality TV! I modeled after all of those dumb game shows my senile grandpa used to watch, but with a twist. IT WAS GOING TO INVOLVE DESTRUCTION! And all of my favorite bands as contestants!
Tonight was my first premire, and god dammit, I didn't want to be late! I already had to stop Tre from eating the NY senator's underwear, again. NO MROE BULLSHIT! We drove in a limo to the television studio, where I promptly fired all of the people who wrote a very lame script which I burned and then I took control. Tre was extremely excited at the prospect of being TV, and tried to wag his non-existent tail.
"HEATHER! WHERE DID MY TAIL GOOOOO?" He shrieked wildly. Everyone winced. So, I made the camera guy cut out a paper tail from some construction paper and pin it on Tre's ass. All was well in the world of Tre Cool. But, it felt way more peaceful than normal, almost like something bad had been erased from my life permanently. It was life my life was actually falling into place. Oh, I know why, Mike was dead, WHOO!! I always hated that bastard. Luckily, I brainwashed Billie Joe and messed with the prez watch so that the time paradox never happened and Billie Joe never played country songs like a hick shit.
Suddenly, a burst of light filled the room leaving everyone confused and nauseous. In the middle of the floor stood a very pop-punk Jesus with cool autographed vans, Violent J the dirty juggalo and...goddammit Mike is alive again! Everytime I fucking kill him, he just HAS to come back to life! Ugh, my life fucking sucks! Jesus pranced up to me and wrapped me in a tight hug. "Hiya Heather, I know you're really really sad that Mike died and Green Day probably broke up, so I had my disciple give birth to him and he's grown up quite nicely, twice! You like me right?" He chattered excitedly. "Can I join Green Day now since I saved our favorite band? I have this really really great song called "She's Like A Bomb, She's Got It Going On" that I think Billie Joe would just sound orgasmic on vocals doing! Oooh, can I get your autograph too? I told my father I would get one from you, he's a very big fan of yours!"
I was dumbfounded. Jesus sounded just like some of the preppy sluts that go to my school. Well, he's not THAT annoying, but eww, why would God want my autograph, he must be a pervert or something. Definitely not as cool as Satan, although Satan was usually too punk for my liking. I wheeled around and tried to focus on directing my TV show (and ignoring the now exasperated Mike who definitely didn't want to be there like usual) when Jesus stole the microphone right outta my hand. "Ooh, I know, I'll be the best host ever on your TV show!" He said and hopped up front to introduce the contestants. I groaned, hoping that Jesus wouldn't fuck this up like he fucked up being on the cross.
There were a line of contestants beneath a giant poster of Green Day. Charlie Scene, Travis Barker, Ollie Sykes and Hayley Williams were all the contestants tonight ,with special guest, all the way from Chicago, Dysentary Gary! There was a clap track as Dysentary Gary took a bow and gave Travis Barker a high five. I had read the heart-warming story in the paper of how Blink 182 braved the ghetto school of Chicao, converted all of the savage kids into fine pop-punk fans and even adopted a boy that sometimes shat his pants. (But he was a long-time BLink 182 fan, so it's okay) Jesus grinned as huge as he could and stuck the microphone under Charlie Scene's jaw.
"Hiya everybody, and welcome to the world premiere of Heartless Homies, that soon-to-be popular game-show where we do all the crazy stuff, so you don't have to! I'd like to introduce Charlie Scene of the ever urban yet sinister Hollywood Undead! Mr. Scene, did you get in trouble after your latest Music video where you gave a young child a six-pack of budweiser in return for his skateboard?" Jesus asked
Charlie Scene flipped off the camera and adjusted his shutter shades. "Nah, bro, you see, the little dude was cousin, so it was all legal, man!" He said in a bored voice. Jesus looked miffed and moved on to Travis Barker "And here, everyone's favorite drummer of one of the greatest pop-punks bands in the entire world, we have Travis motherfucking Barker!" Jesus shouted and waited for the applause to die down. Travis nodded at all of the attention he received because he was used to the all love from such adoring fans. He told his mom that he loved her and wished she would attend his fucking shows more often, please?
"Travis, I heard you recently transformed the most ghetto school in America with your soulful music, what was that like for you?" Jesus asked eagerly. Travis flashed the camera his pearly whites.
"Alright, alright, you see, pop-punk is the main ingredient in the sandwich that we call the US, and if some parts are lacking this ingredient, well, the entire sandwhich tastes like shit. Kids, I want you all to know that if you get your daily dose of pop-punk, you'll grow up nice, strong and ready to kick some ass! So, I would like to announce that for today only, all of Blink 182's CDs are free on itunes!" Travis said proudly and if you listened closely, there was cheer that could be heard from round the world.
Next was Ollie Sykes, of the british band, Bring Me The Horizon. He stage-dived into the sea of people watching and crowd-surfed all around the room. Jesus crowd-surfed after him and stuck the microphone near Ollie's mouth. "We have Ollie Sykes of Bring Me The Horizon right here, being hardcore like he normally is. See kids, these guys don't put on an act in concert, this shit is for real, all the time! Ollie, we heard you're doing a collaboration with Escape The Fate for your next album. How's that going?" Jesus asked.
Ollie thought for a moment. "Damn bastards cheat at cards!" He huffed.
Last, but certainly not least was the ever beautiful Hayley Williams! She bit down on her mouth shyly as Jesus sauntered up to her with the microphone. "And here we have Hayley Williams of Paramore! I heard Heather Heartless went on a date with you recently, how was that?" Jesus asked, with a hint of jealously in his voice. Hayley blushed.
"Words cannot describe how magical it was..." She giggled. That bitch better find it magical, because she sucks in bed, I thought. I loved her music, but her body was overrated... After all of the contestants had been introduced and the applause finally died down, Jesus spun a huge wheel in the center of the room. Everyone watched in suspense as the wheel landed on Billie Joe's face. There was a burst of confetti and Billie Joe took the stage, playing amazing riffs. He took a bow and took a swig of beer. "Alright, everybody, this is Billie Joe's "You're A Bastard" where we have our contestants split into teams and do dangerous stunts for cash prizes!" Jesus said excitedly and passed the microphone to Billie Joe, who tried to maintain his balance.
"Alright, you fuckers, WHO'S READY FOR SOME PAIN!" Billie Joe shouted. Everyone cheered, but the contestants looked a little afraid. Suddenly, Billie Joe ripped off his shirt and took out a jar of ghost peppers from the mini fridge in the back. "Okay, you wannabe bastards, here's what you're going to do. You're going to rub ghost peppers all over your balls (or your nipples, if your the only girl here) for a minute. Whoever lasts the longest wins five grand? Any questions? No, fucking great! NOW PUT SOME HEAT ON THOSE BALLS!" He said, rubbing the hot peppers on his own nipples because it gave him a rush. The contestants looked at each other with dread as each pulled down their pants and stuck hot peppers on them. There were many cries of pain and sobbing heard throughout the room. Charlie Scene puked from the pain and rushed off to the bathroom, holding his crotch. After thirty seconds, only Hayley Williams remained and she flashed the crowd in celebration. Billie Joe looked at her body with a sexy look in his eyes and rubbed his nipples faster. The screen cut out as Mike dragged Billie Joe off to the back by his tie.
Jesus looked slightly uncomfortable, but spun the wheel again. This time it landed on "Mike's Mystery Hour" and an exasperated Mike was hauled back up front. "Alright, let me just say that I recently came back from the dead and that this show is worse than Jersey Shore because Heather doesn't have an ounce of creativity in her! Also, Heather, you're a cunt for killing me. That's all." Mike hissed. Everyone booed until I threatened to shoot Mike if he brought the ratings down anymore . Mike sighed and it cut to a small clip of him explaining the mystery of the Lockness Monster. The job was to find this monster and whoever found it, won a brand new sports car. I watched on the screen as Ollie Sykes and Travis Barker were flown out to Ireland to find the elusive monster. They dived into the water and all was silent for the moment. Then I heard the sound of screaming as Travis Barker was being thrashed around by some unknown force. I hoped for his safety. Ollie Sykes found the monster and punched it in the face, causing it to release Travis. They then hugged each other like they were lifelong friends, which they were, all bands were, I presumed.
But, since it was Travis Barker who found the monster originally, he won a brand new mustang! Ollie Sykes kicked the wall in annoyance. "Fuck this show, this some bullshit!" He snapped and then walked offset. We had to bribe him with Pacsun and Zumiez giftcards to get him to come back.
Next, the wheel spun to a picture of Tre's face. But....Tre was nowhere to be found. Then, we saw Tre... and everyone screamed. He was wearing a Russian hat and no shirt and was bending over next to an open flame and leaking gasoline. There was a smirk on his impish face. "Tre, DON'T!" I shouted, begging him not to do what I think he was planning on doing.
"BUT HEATHER, THIS SHOW IS BOOORIIING! I WANNA GO OUT WITH A BLAST! HAHAHA!" He squealed and then farted loudly, causing the entire studio to erupt in flames. I covered my face and dodged through the smoke to save Billie Joe from possibly dying. Everyone was screaming and trying to run out of the burning theater. Jesus just looked confused, and the camera was still on, but our ratings were through the roof, so I guess all of this was worth it. I managed to find Billie Joe naked in the back, watching reruns of the Three Stooges and drinking beer.
"Billie Joe, this show sucks, let's get outta here" I snapped. His eyes were glazed over. I stole his six-pack and ran out of the studio with him drunkenly chasing after me.
To make a long story short, the casualties were high, but the ratings were higher and my show rocketed to the top of the network! Even Mike made it out alive, unfortunately.