Trading Heartbeats

"You really aren't happy to see me?"

We'd just gotten off California Screamin' when Niall leaned down, gently taking hold of my arm just above the elbow, and spoke into my ear. I'd spent a couple hours ignoring him, talking mostly with Jameson, since he was the only one who seemed to be on my side. I also made conversation with Liam, who turned out to be, by far, the most pleasant of Niall's bandmates I'd met. It also wasn't lost on me how attractive Liam was, which was a nice bonus.

I shook my arm and Niall let his grip slip off easily as I turned toward him. "What are you doing here, Niall?" I demanded. "I told you I wasn't available this week. I told you I would talk to you when I got back home. I told you I was with my family. What did you think coming here would accomplish?" At this point I was essentially yelling him, but I was still using a hushed tone, though it didn't keep our companions from taking notice.

The smug look on Niall's face didn't budge. "Did you read any of the texts I sent you?" he asked.

"No, because I told you," I gave him a little push, "that I was busy," I pushed him again, "and would talk to you," I pushed him one more time beore he grabbed my wrists to stop me, "when I got home," I said, trying to wrench my hands from his grip, but he kept a good hold on them.

"Alright, stop," he said. When I stopped fighting against him, he let go of my wrists. Jaelynn, Jameson, Afton, and Liam were all pretending not to watch us. And they were terrible actors. "If you'd read my texts you would know that it was Liam's idea. He asked me to come with him. I tried to see if he could go next week instead, but he's got a jam packed schedule right now. This was the only time he could go. So I tried to tell you so you wouldn't be surprised if we saw each other. But you wouldn't respond to me so I finally just said fuck it," he explained.

I folded my arms across my chest, glaring at him from behind my sunglasses. "No," I said, moving my head slowly side to side.

"No?" he repeated back to me. "No, what?"

"No, I don't think that's what happened," I told him.

He sighed, and even though he was wearing sunglasses, I'm pretty sure he rolled his eyes. "Check your texts," he said, sounding bored.

I shook my head again. "I don't need to check my texts. I'm sure they say exactly what you just told me," I said. "But I don't think that's what happened," I repeated. Niall's mouth opened like he was going to say something but I didn't give him the chance. "I think you were being a big baby because I blew you off for the week, so you called one of your friends to come down here with you so you could stage a little run-in," I finished.

"Oh, get over yourself," Niall said. This time I was sure he rolled his eyes by the way his head also moved. "You're not that special for me to go to all that trouble just for some ass, Jessilynn," he said.

My stomach lurched, making me feel sick momentarily, even though it took longer than that for his words to really sink in. By the time they did, he was already walking away. I stared at his back, my eyes starting to burn. I wasn't sure why either. Anger, probably. But the sinking feeling in my stomach indicated something else. Something I couldn't make sense of.

It took a minute for my brain to convince my feet to move, but when they finally did, I headed in the opposite direction of Niall. Jameson fell in step next to me rather quickly, most likely due to his long legs, and only seconds later, Jaelynn was at my other side.

"I'm going back to the hotel for a little bit," I told them after drawing in a deep breath. I wanted my voice steady, not shaky like my insides. I think I succeeded. "You guys should stay. I'll catch up with you later."

Jameson's arm snaked around my shoulders. "Nah, let's stick together," he suggested. Jaelynn's hand closed around mine and she gave a gentle squeeze.

I sighed. I knew they were trying to supportive, but they were making me feel terrible. "I don't want to ruin the day," I started.

"You're not ruining anything," Jaelynn quickly interrupted. "I could use a rest anyway. This sun is a little hotter than I'm used to," she said.

Again, I sighed. "But what about-"

"Right behind you," Afton cut me off. I don't know how I hadn't realized she was there, but she was. Of course she was. Even if she didn't fully agree with me, Afton always had my back.

+++

Apparently a rest was what all of us needed. I think everyone ended up crashing hard as soon as our shoes came off. Jaelynn and I fell asleep sideways on her bed. Afton collapsed almost immediately on the couch, and Jameson, at the very least, laid unmoving on the other bed for at least two hours.

When I finally pushed my eyelids open, I saw him laying there, blinking back at me. I offered him a sleepy smile, which he returned. After a few minutes, I rubbed the sleep from my eyes and carefully slid off the bed, doing my best not to disturb my sleeping sister. I slipped a pair of flip flops on my feet and motioned for my brother to come with me.

We walked wordlessly down the hall to the elevator, remained quiet for the duration of the ride to the lobby, and still didn't talk as we walked through the lobby to the lounge. I ordered an iced latte for each of us and found a place for us to sit once we had our drinks. He watched me closely, knowing I wanted to talk. I drew in a slow breath and then pushed it out, looking at him looking at me and feeling terrible about the direction this day had taken.

"I'm sorry," I said finally, softly. "I don't want him here," I told him.

"Jess, I know," he replied carefully. Then he added, "You don't have to apologize."

I pushed a hard breath out through my nose. "Yeah, I do. This trip was supposed to-"

"Be about us spending time together. I know," he interrupted. "And we are. I'm not upset. I don't really care if they hang out with us, but you don't seem like you really want Niall around," he observed. "And if you don't want him around, then neither do I," he went on, and then paused. Like he was considering if he should say whatever was on the tip of his tongue. Ultimately, he continued. "What's going on there, anyway?" he inquired.

I let out a quiet sigh. "I'm sleeping with him," I answered honestly. There was little point in lying. "Or I was. I did." Another sigh escaped me as I stumbled over my words. "I don't know," I finally conceded. "I didn't mean for it to be an ongoing thing, but here we are." The words tasted funny coming out of my mouth. Like maybe Afton was right. About all of it.

Jameson nodded. "I thought so," he admitted. "Is there," he started, but stopped himself again. Then continued, "Is there something there?" he asked cautiously. I would answer almost any question he asked, but he still seemed afraid to upset me.

I shook my head slowly from side to side, but even as I was doing it, both the action and the meaning of it felt like a lie. But why? I still wasn't sure I liked Niall as a person and even if I did, would I want to date him?

No.

I don't think so.

Or...

Would I?

I drew in a breath, trying to organize my thoughts.

No.

Definitely no.

I wouldn't.

Right?

My brother raised an eyebrow at me, as if he could hear my internal monologue. But more likely, my face was doing something I wasn't aware of to give away that I was wrestling with uncertainty. Because what Niall said shouldn't have made me feel the way it did. Because he was right. It's just sex.

I mean, right?

I let out the breath I didn't realize I was still holding in. Slowly. And then drew in another. Distantly, I could hear Jameson asking if I was sure. I nodded as I exhaled. But with the way my stomach was knotting, it still felt like a lie.

+++

We never made it back to the park. When Jameson and I got back to the room, he fell onto the section of the couch where Afton was not, and I sat on the arm of the sofa next to her. We kept quiet for a little while, figuring she would wake up soon, but after about thirty minutes, Jameson reached for the TV remote and turned it on. Almost instantly, Afton's eyes flew open. She sat up and glared at me, then proceeded into the bedroom, slamming the door behind her. I slid off the arm of the sofa on to the cushioned seat. Minutes later, my sister emerged from the room, still looking very sleepy.

Even though she prefers tea, Jameson and I both offered her some of our coffee when she fell onto the couch between us. She grabbed both drinks and stuck the straws into her mouth at the same time, mumbling her thanks when she crossed her arms in front of her chest and gave Jameson's drink to me and my drink to James.

Afton slept the entire afternoon, and immediately started complaining of hunger when she finally did wake up. We ordered room service for dinner and lounged around in front of the TV for the evening.

It was a little after eight when we headed to the pool. The fireworks show wouldn't start for an hour still, but we knew from experience that it was best to get there early, as it could potentially get crowded. Luckily, there were only a few others there when we arrived, so we claimed a table, occupying only four of the five chairs that were around it.

The minutes ticked quickly by, thanks to the deck of cards I'd brought and a lively game of Bullshit we started. Considering the family oriented atmosphere of Disney, we maybe should have chosen a different game, but we were careful to watch ourselves when children were nearby, substituting "BS" for "Bullshit" when we suspected someone of lying. Afton slipped once, loudly, which earned us a dirty look from a couple parents, but mostly it was okay.

Around nine, about fifteen minutes before the fireworks were scheduled to start, I heard them. Or maybe I saw them from the corner of my eye first. I'm not sure. But they weren't far away, and they appeared to be disagreeing on something. I sighed, but allowed myself to make eye contact with Liam.

Niall trailed behind Liam as they made their way over. Liam stopped near my chair, while Niall kept to the other side of the table. "I know it's weird, but is it alright if we join you again?" Liam asked.

Without looking around, I knew there wasn't really anywhere else for them to go, but I didn't even so much as allow my expression to twitch. Because my answer would've been no. The others, however, all gave the green light, Jameson included. Niall slid into open seat across the table. Liam nudged me gently.

"May I?" he said, gently nodding his head away from the table when I turned to look at him. I breathed out heavily, nodding as I stood to follow him a few feet away from the table, where there were surprisingly few people.

"Listen," he started. "You don't know me from the next person, so you have no reason to trust me, which I fully understand, but please try to understand that for that same reason, there's no purpose in me lying to you." He paused to see if I would react, but I merely nodded for him to continue. "Niall was telling you the truth earlier. This whole thing was my idea. He hesitated to join me. I really pushed, told him they were big parks, the chances of meeting up, even by accident, were unlikely at best. And he even told me not to go over this afternoon when we saw you, but you all looked friendly enough-"

"Did he not tell you about me?" I inquired, cutting off his thought.

He let out a small laugh. "No, he did," Liam said. "But Niall has a tendency to make things seem bigger than they are. Turns out this time he might've actually understated you a bit. But even so, he's not to blame," Liam insisted.

"And, what, you just happened to end up at the same hotel we're staying at?" I asked. I had tweeted about it, so Niall would know. Well, if he'd seen my tweet, anyway. There was a good possibility he hadn't, but I felt like I needed to cover my bases before making any decisions on what to let myself believe.

"It's what had rooms available when I called Disney to make arrangements," Liam answered easily, shrugging. "If Niall knew you were staying in this hotel, he didn't say anything. Which, seems like he would've, given is concern with coming at all."

I sighed again, and then nodded, making note of that point. "Okay," I said. He quirked an eyebrow at me. "I mean, you're right. I don't have any reason to trust you. But I have a tendency to react first and think later," I admitted. And between what Niall said earlier, the consideration I'd given it as well as my fight against myself, and what Liam had just said, it really did make sense that it wasn't planned. "So, okay," I said.

"Alright, then," Liam agreed, holding his arm out toward the table to indicate we should return.

Assessing the seating situation as we walked, I immediately acknowledged two options. Liam could stand, or I could stand. There was a third, however. I stopped next to where Niall had moved the chair for a better view of the fireworks.

It took a moment for him to decide to look at me. My stomach jumped when he finally did. "Is that seat taken?" I asked, pointing at his lap.

He didn't respond verbally, but he shifted and indicated with a slight nod for me to sit. He seemed tense, and I couldn't really blame him for not being thrilled with me. By the look Afton was giving me, she wasn't thrilled either.

The fireworks had just started when Niall shifted again. I felt his breath on my ear. "So, what, you believe him but not me?" he asked. Without even looking at him, I could hear the sneer he must have been wearing.

"Something like that," I responded, then let out a heavy sigh. "Can we please have this conversation when the fireworks are over?" I asked, keeping my eyes on the now brightly lit sky. I thought I might have barely heard him grudgingly agree, but it was either imagined or swallowed by the boom resounding through the night.

Either way, he let it go for the duration of the fireworks show. When it got near the end, his arms slid around me. But it wasn't a sweet gesture, though it may have looked that way to anyone outside the situation. No, it was to keep me from bolting once the the fireworks stopped.

In reality, I could have easily gotten away from him still. But I didn't. If he was that intent on getting the chance to yell at me the way I yelled at him earlier, it seemed only fair. So I stayed. I let him think his method was effective, and not only because I was allowing it to be.

Around us, everyone was heading for the exit. Even the others at our table had stood, though they hadn't moved yet. "Liam invited us to his room to hang out and watch movies," Afton announced.

I nodded at her. Since we all napped earlier, we would probably be awake for awhile anyway. "You guys go ahead. We'll catch up in a minute," I said, glancing down at Niall's arms around me and then back at Afton with a roll of my eyes. I think she caught it, because her look of mild annoyance quickly shifted to something that almost looked like sympathy. But it was fleeting, so either I imagined it or she was hiding it from everyone else.

The pool area cleared out surprisingly quickly, considering how many people had gathered to watch the fireworks. And with only a few stragglers remaining, Niall released his hold on me. I stayed seated for a moment before slowly standing and stretching. I gave him a minute, imagining his legs were probably asleep, before I nodded toward the pool.

I slid my feet out of my flip flops and lowered myself onto the ground, letting legs dangle over the side of the pool with my feet in the water. Niall didn't seem inclined to take off his shoes so he just sat next me, facing away from the pool.

"You do realize how easily I could push you in right now, don't you?" I joked, trying to dispel some of the tension between us.

"You wouldn't," he replied immediately. "Actually, you probably would," he said after just a moment's thought.

I nodded, but also gave him what I hoped was a quirky smile. I was suddenly not feeling as confident in what my face might be giving away. Considering I didn't really know what I was feeling, it was harder to control. "I was wrong earlier," I said quickly. I was okay admitting that, but I swallowed the apology that probably should've followed. I wasn't sure I was sorry for my reaction.

"Damn right, you were wrong," he said. His tone was biting, aggressive. I cringed inwardly. There were certain ways I was used to Niall acting, but angry was not one of them. "Tried to tell you that but you couldn't hear me over how damn stubborn you are," he went on.

I looked down at my hands in my lap. "You're right," I agreed when I looked back up.

For just a moment, he looked surprised. Like he didn't expect me to agree twice. And then, suddenly, his hand was on the back of my neck, and he was pulling me toward him. His mouth found mine easily and he pulled my bottom lip between his. He kept his hold on my neck firm, my mind racing as we kissed heatedly.

I don't know how long it was before I was able to get my thoughts together. With one hand to his chest, I pushed him back, but not hard enough to threaten a fall into the pool. He stared at me for a moment and then leaned in again, but I put my hand up between us.

"Niall," I said, trying to catch my breath and slow the dizzying feel of the world around me. I put my hand down, resting it against his chest. Without thinking, I leaned in and let my lips brush gently against his, which directly contradicted what I said next.

"I can't," I told him. "Not right now."

He breathed in heavily and then out slowly. He nudged my nose with his and kissed me gently, briefly. "When, then?" he inquired. I couldn't gauge his tone or what I could see of his expression.

I shrugged, giving my head a little shake, trying to get my bearings. "When I get home. Next week," I paused, breathing in. Hardening my resolve. It was difficult with my head spinning. "I made a promise," I breathed out.

I didn't owe Niall any explanations, but I needed to remind myself. And I had to say it out loud.