Trading Heartbeats

Again, something shifted between Niall and me. Who knew that just a few words could change the air between two people so drastically? Maybe I needed to be just a tiny bit more forthcoming with him. No, he doesn't deserve an explanation for everything, but I guess I could give him a little information instead of just pushing him off.

The whole thing had me thinking that maybe Niall was right about something else as well. Maybe I am mean to him.

Still, that didn't stop him from grabbing my hand as the six of us traipsed through Disneyland, stood in lines for rides, and ate ridiculous amounts of churros, nor did it stop me from letting him hold onto it, but only for a little bit at a time. Liam had suggested as we were leaving his room that we all meet up for breakfast since we'd all "been getting on so well" (his words). Breakfast turned into all of us grabbing Fast Passes for World of Color in California Adventure and then making our way over to Disneyland where I made everyone get in line for Pirates of the Caribbean first thing. Again.

Even with Niall's hand wrapped around mine, I made sure to focus my attention on the others. Countless times our arms were stretched out completely, fingers barely hooked together as I joked with Jameson and Jaelynn, chatted with Liam, and was just generally obnoxious with Afton. But I always separated myself from him physically after just a few minutes. I didn't need anyone getting the wrong idea about what was going on between him and me.

I didn't need me getting the wrong idea, since my brain seemed to be so messed up recently.

Even though I continued to remove myself from him, he still managed to find excuses to touch me. His hand on my hip while we stood in line. Holding my hands to his waist as we pushed through a crowd. Fingertips brushing my back to guide me forward. Little touches in addition to very blatant handholding. It was slightly territorial, and surprisingly kind of a little nice.

I tried to ignore it. Tried to push the enjoyment down deep and bury it.

I also couldn't help but notice that Afton seemed to be warming up to Niall as the day went on. Or at the very least, she wasn't giving me the same looks she had been just a few days ago. The looks that wanted to know why I wanted anything to do with him. I think she was starting to see why it was so hard to follow through with any resolution I made of staying away from him, even if I still couldn't put my finger on exactly what it was. She even talked to him a few times, and managed to keep her snark relatively in check.

Before any of us knew it, we were making our way back over to California Adventure to wait for World of Color to begin. The thing about the Fast Passes for the show is they only allow you line up early. Then you're stuck doing more of what you've probably been doing all day: waiting in line.

I didn't realize until he'd already done it. While we waited in the line, Niall positioned himself between me and everyone else with his back to them. Even with as thin as he is, I couldn't see around him in the dark to know what they were doing, to be part of their conversations. I frowned, looking up at Niall, but I wasn't sure he could see my expression.

If he could, he ignored it. His hands found my hips but his eyes never met mine. He looked over my head, to the left, up at the sky. Anywhere but at me. I wanted to push his hands off me, push him away from me. Or I think I did. But I didn't do it. So maybe I didn't want to. Not really.

Then, finally, he looked down at me. He cracked a smile when he saw my frown. "What?" he asked. "Been tryin' to figure out a way to get you alone all day. This is the best I can do," he said. I rolled my eyes. "Quit," he said. "Just wanna talk to just you for a bit."

I rolled my eyes again. Mostly because I didn't like that he told me not to. "In the weeks I've known you, you've never much cared about talking," I pointed out.

"Not true. I asked you how many times for your number?" he countered. "You sent me on a scavenger hunt for how long? Then I finally get it and you just disappear."

I shook my head. "No, I told you I where I was going," I said.

"Wrong," he disagreed. "You were already on the way when I called you and then you were cryptic in what you said."

I made sure I had his attention before rolling my eyes at him again. I wanted so badly to irritate him. "I said I was going to the happiest place on earth. What did you think I meant? The DMV?" I shot back.

"What?" He was clearly confused.

I sighed. "You are really and truly hopeless. One hundred percent," I told him.

"It's too bad we can't be using our mouths for other things right now, huh?" he said, most likely referring back to the time I told him I liked his mouth better when it wasn't talking. He was staring at my lips now.

I gave him a tiny shove. Not enough to push him into Jaelynn, but enough that his hands slipped off my hips. I was thankful for the break in contact. "Shut up," I said. He chuckled, and I think for just a second he wanted to say something, but it disappeared almost as quickly as it had come. "You are aware, I hope, that I probably would have pushed you a lot harder if my sister wasn't standing directly behind you," I commented.

"Absolutely," he said, eyes lit up with a grin. I couldn't stand it. I shoved him again. Gently. He chuckled, and bounced on the balls of his feet. His eyes kept flicking from my mouth to my eyes. I really, really wanted to shove him hard enough that he would fall. Just to make him stop.

I also kind of wanted him to make a move. And I think he knew. His eyebrow twitched and he grinned, keeping his gaze settled on my lips for a little longer. Then he shifted, removing his eyes from me completely as he unblocked the rest of our group from my view. I'm sure they'd all noticed, but none seemed put off by what just happened.

And that was it. Like he'd just lost interest. I took a moment to remind myself yet again that this wasn't serious. I couldn't let myself feel rejected. It was a game. But it was starting to feel like a game that had rules meant to be broken and no clear winners.

It was at the end of the show, much like when the fireworks the night before were nearing their end, that Niall slid behind me. He planted his hands firmly on my shoulders, like he was going to help steer me through so my petiteness wouldn't get lost in the crowd. But we fell behind the others a few steps almost immediately, and again we were as alone as we could be while surrounded by hundreds of other people.

"Anyone ever told you that you got a great face?" he spoke low into my ear. The shock of his words ripped through me. It almost felt like a compliment. I wanted to stop walking, to whip around and look at him to see what he meant by it. But with so many people moving on every side of us, that wasn't an option.

"Was watching you a bit," he went on. A shiver ran down my spine when his thumb brushed the baby hairs at the base of my neck. "Started to wonder if I could make your face do those things. Made me wanna try right there."

And there it was. Another glaring reminder of what this was to him. I had to stop whatever was going on inside me. Get my head back where it needed to me. I drew in a breath, hoping he wouldn't notice my shot nerves.

"Unlikely," I said without attempting to look at him.

His fingers gripped my shoulders a little tighter, and I wondered at his suggestion of having sex in such a public place. He wouldn't likely ever do it, considering the squeaky clean image he had to preserve. But maybe somewhere a little less public. Like just off the Links back at Pebble Beach. In front of the ocean, the sun going down. With the sounds of the bagpipes closing the course for the night.

My heart beat rapidly at the thought. It's something I've been thinking about for a long time. Not with Niall, specifically. But I think if there was anyone who could make it happen, it was probably him. I drew in a breath and then breathed out slowly, trying to slow my heart rate back to normal.

He must have felt me tense because he loosened his grip for just a moment and then squeezed my shoulders again. He did it a few times, a sort of crude massage, relaxing in its own weird way. But nothing like what Aaron could do for me.

"Come back to my room with me," he urged.

I shivered again, this time at his voice low in my ear, breath on my skin. I had to keep my resolve. "No," I said, shaking my head. "No." Any fleeting thought of Aaron had slipped from my mind.

He squeezed my shoulders again. "Come on. I know you want to," he taunted.

I squeezed my eyes shut, blindly trusting that he wouldn't steer me into anyone. The thing is, he wasn't wrong. I did want to go to his room. I wanted his stupid mouth against mine so he would finally stop talking. Wanted his rough hands on my bare skin. Him inside me. And I hated that he knew.

Another thing is, I'm not weak.

"No," I said again.

A chuckle rolled past his lips, sending another shiver down my spine. "Okay," he said, surprising me with how easily he let it go. I felt him straighten behind me, keeping his hands on my shoulders until the crowd disbursed a little more and we rejoined the rest of our group.

Afton was quick to grab my hand and pull me alongside her. "Niall's been dominating you," she declared, keeping her hand wrapped firmly around mine as we exited the park.

"You've had her since Sunday," he commented.

"I've had her my whole life," she shot back, accompanied by a look that would cause someone to drop dead on the spot, if only looks could kill. I kind of wanted to laugh. It was nice she wasn't directing her irritation toward me finally. Jaelynn grabbed onto my other hand and the three of us swung our arms as we walked.

Niall's eyebrows shot up and he lifted his hands in mock surrender. "'Scuse me, then," he said, falling back in step next to Liam.

"You'll get used to it," I heard James say behind us. I bit back a smile.

"Dunno about that," Niall replied. I bit my lip even harder. Did I want him to get used to it?

I mentally shook him from my thoughts and turned my focus on Afton and Jae. They were talking across me, laughing about something I'd missed because I was too focused on other things. This wasn't like me. I don't let guys consume my thoughts.

We slowed when we reached the hotel lobby, everyone looking at each other, hoping someone else would be the first to say something. "Meet up again tomorrow?" I suggested.

At the exact same time, Liam offered, "Movies in my room again?" When my words registered with him, he gave a slight laugh. "We leave tomorrow. This was just a short one for us. It's what I could fit in," he explained.

I nodded, looking around quickly at Jae, James, and Afton. They all looked beat. I probably looked beat. "I think it's best we call it a night," I said. I saw from the corner of my eye Afton's head dip in a nod. My gaze flicked to Niall. He looked unphased by words. Unaffected. I'd already turned him down, so I didn't matter anymore.

He could easily find someone else to bone.

My eyes settled back on Liam. "We could get breakfast tomorrow morning, if you want," I said. The longer I looked at him, the more attractive he became. He was just one of those people. I wondered if his girlfriend, of whom he'd spoken so sweetly, always felt lucky.

"Sure," he agreed easily. "Eight too early?" he asked. I shook my head. "Great." He held out an arm in the direction of the elevators.

We were quiet as the elevator climbed. Afton and Jae were both leaning their tired heads against James, who was leaning back against the wall. Liam's eyes kept flicking from the doors to me and then back to the doors. Niall stood in the corner with his phone out. No doubt lining up the next part of his night.

The doors opened with a ding. Liam put out his arm to keep the doors from closing. His eyes held a laugh as he and I watched my three companions drag themselves into the hallway. He bid me goodnight as I herded them toward our room. I shot him a smile over my shoulder, and then shifted my glance to Niall for just a moment. He couldn't be bothered to look up from his phone. Fine. Fine.

Afton slid her key card into the door and pushed it open. I waited patiently for them to move into the room. It had definitely been a long day. James trudged over to the couch, leaving his flip flops behind as he fell onto it. Jae and Afton immediately went into the bedroom, both collapsing onto the bed closest to the door. I had a feeling everyone was going to be sleeping in their clothes tonight.

I locked the door and crossed the room to the couch. James had his eyes open, but barely. His legs were bent slightly and his arm was laying across his stomach. I felt bad that he'd been sleeping on the couch for so long, even though he'd volunteered.

"You can take the other bed tonight," I offered, lowering myself onto the arm of the sofa.

At first, he didn't look inclined to move. But then after just a moment a look of gratitude crossed his face. He sat up slowly, leaned over to kiss my cheek, and then stood. "Thanks, Jess," he mumbled on his way into the bedroom.

Even though I was tired too, my body had a strange buzz coursing through it. I waited a few minutes before quietly creeping into the bedroom to grab my pajamas, pulling the door closed behind me when I left. I hopped in the shower to wash away the mixture of dirt and sunscreen that covered my body, and with it, hopefully, the feeling Niall's touch had left on my skin.

Clean and pajama clad, I exited the bathroom, shutting off lights as I made my way to the couch. I flipped on the TV but kept the volume low and curled into the corner of the sectional sofa. I wanted to sleep but I didn't know if I would be able to. My mind was full, my body still buzzing. And the light on my phone was blinking.

I grabbed the charger that was slung over the back of the couch and plugged it into my phone. The screen turned on and I had a text notification.

Meet me in thirty

Seventeen minutes had passed since the message had been received. He must have sent it when I was getting out of the elevator.

No

Have something i want to give you

I dont want ur penis right now

What im not even good enough for full words now

Also you are a liar

So what

Interesting

Meet me

What part of no is confusing?

The no part

I find it really hard to believe that im the only option available to you. LA is a big city im sure you know someone else to have sex with

Goodnight niall

There it was. I was getting my head back in the game. I closed out the text message and opened Twitter.

Jessilynn Rae @neatojessi
No means no :)