Trading Heartbeats

I woke up very discombobulated. Morning sun was peeking in through the blinds, but I don't have blinds in my room. And the bed I was in, while maybe the most comfortable bed I'd ever been in, wasn't mine. And I was mostly naked.

I blinked a few times, trying to get my bearings. My eyes traveled around the room. Aaron's room.

Shit.

Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.

How had either of us let this happen?

Then I noticed something that only confused me further. Aaron was not there.

Where was Aaron?

My answer came a couple minutes later when he walked in the room, dressed and looking like he'd recently showered. "Before you freak out," he said immediately upon seeing that I was awake, "you fell asleep in the middle of the massage. And you were out. Didn't even wake up when I had my thumb in that knot in your neck." I raised my eyebrows at him. "I slept on the couch," he finished.

I breathed in deeply and sat up, letting the blanket fall away from my bare upper half. "I'm sorry," I said. And then, "Wait, you slept on the couch? Are you insane?" He looked confused. "Aaron, you're like ten feet tall. You don't fit on the couch," I exclaimed.

He chuckled and sat on the bed next to me, but facing me. "It's fine," he said. I gave him a look. "Jessi, it was fine. It's a good couch," he insisted. "And I thought you might really lose it if you woke up not only in my bed, but next to me in my bed."

Even though my breasts were fully exposed, Aaron never even so much glanced at them. He kept his eyes on mine when he spoke to me. I liked that about him. I liked a lot of things about him.

"Do you have somewhere you need to be?" I asked. "Because you're wearing an awful lot of clothes. And do you know what is actually kind of great about me being here in the morning?" He continued to look at me but didn't say anything. "We can finish what we never really started last night."

He leaned forward and kissed me briefly. "Actually, I was hoping you would let me take you to breakfast," he said and kissed me again.

"That sounds a lot like a date," I said in between kisses.

He breathed heavily and pulled back. "You make it really difficult for people to do nice things for you," he said with a hint of exasperation.

My eyebrows pulled together. "What's that supposed to mean?" I asked.

"It means," he sighed, "that you just did a really nice thing for your brother and sister and Afton. You took all of them to Disneyland. And then I offer you a massage when you get back and you propose sex," he said and the quickly added, "Don't get me wrong, I like sex with you. Sex with you is great. That's not what this is about," he said.

"I brought you Pavel's yesterday, just because I wanted to, and you insisted on paying for my tacos. And I'm not trying to sound ungrateful, but sometimes, Jessi, it would just be really nice if you would accept a nice gesture without acting like you owe something in return.

"Aaron, I am trying to accept a nice gesture but you're not giving it," I said.

He closed his eyes and breathed out heavily. "Can you please be serious for just a second?" he said.

No. No, I couldn't. Not with the way this conversation was going. "If you keep rejecting me, I'm going to start taking it personally," I said.

His eyes flew open. "I'm not rejecting you," he said, leaning forward until our mouths met again.

This time he wasn't brief. He kissed me hard, hungrily. I pushed myself up onto my knees and moved closer to him. Closer, closer, closer, until I was on top of him, body pressed to his, one hand on his face, the other in his hair. His hands moving all over my exposed skin. This was what I wanted.

He leaned forward, which pushed me backward until I was on my back. His mouth left mine long enough for him to pull my underwear off. I reached for his shirt but he didn't give me a chance before he kissed me again, long and hard. His hand glided over my breast, my stomach, down the outside of my thigh and then back up the inside. I gasped softly against his mouth, letting out a little moan when he slipped a finger inside me, and then back out again. He pressed the same finger against me and rubbed in small, slow circles. I had to pull my mouth from his to accommodate the change in my breathing.

And then he stopped. He lowered his face to mine and kissed me, gently, briefly. "Now can I take you to breakfast?" he asked, his eyes bright with mischief.

"I-I didn't finish," I said through labored breaths.

"I know," he kissed me again. "I was thinking Crema," he said.

"Aaron," I whined.

He slipped his fingers between my legs again. "I'm good for it," he said softly. I closed my eyes but he didn't even so much as twitch. "What's your answer?" he asked after a long moment.

"Crema is kind of expensive," I replied.

He breathed out a laugh and dipped his head down, next to my ear. "I'm good for it," he repeated.

I opened my eyes. His fingers fell away from me. "So you keep saying," I said as I sat up, forcing him upright as well. He grinned at me as I pushed myself off the bed and gathered my clothes.

"There's a spare toothbrush in the drawer," he called after me on my way to the bathroom.

"As in, you keep it there for all the girls who spend the night to use in the morning?" I called back.

"As in, fuck off, it's still in the package," he replied with a chuckle.

I shut the bathroom door behind me. This was a side of Aaron I was unfamiliar with. He was teasing me. And I liked it.

+++

I climbed into the passenger seat of Aaron's dark gray Toyota Highlander. In all the time I'd know him this was the first time I had been in his car. Weird. I looked around at the interior. Black, built in navigation, stick shift. I wondered what the sound system could do.

"Nice minivan," I commented as he pushed a button to start the car. It was keyless.

He rolled his eyes, but also chuckled. "Would you shut up?" he said.

I laughed also. "Highly unlikely," I told him.

"Won't argue that." He backed out of his driveway and onto the street.

I reached over and gave his chest a good smack. He glanced at me briefly, his look asking 'what?' He wasn't wrong. I merely shrugged at him as I rolled down the window. It wasn't a long drive to Crema, or really anywhere in our little town, but I still adjusted the seat so it leaned back a little and slipped out of my flats so I could settle back and put my feet up on the dashboard.

We were both quiet, so he used the controls on the steering wheel to turn up the music. I smiled at the Zac Brown Band song that poured from the speakers. "So you do like country, then," I said.

His forehead creased but he kept his eyes on the road, "Did I say I didn't?" he asked.

I shook my head. "You never said anything. I had no idea if you were suffering every second you were in my truck," I said. "I've known you for over a year but never knew what kind of music you like to listen to. That's crazy."

"It's been three years."

"Shut up?" I rolled my head to the side to look at him. He kept his eyes trained on the road ahead of him, but the corners crinkled. I thought back to when I'd met him. The specific archery tournament. I was nineteen. He was right. "Anyway, three years is definitely over a year so I wasn't technically wrong."

He laughed, shaking his head. "Country, classic rock, maybe some metal every once in awhile," he said. "Now you know. Anything else?" he asked.

"If you hadn't majored in engineering, what would you have done instead?" I asked.

"Marine science," he answered without pause.

"Are you from here?" I asked. His previous answer and my question were connected in my head, though it probably didn't seem that way to him. Either way, I was realizing there was a lot I didn't know about Aaron, despite considering him a close friend.

"No," he admitted. "My dad and I moved here from Montana when I was sixteen," he said. And then, almost as an afterthought, "After my mom died." I stared at him, unsure what to say. "Sorry," he said after a long moment of quiet. "I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable."

"No, it's--I'm not," I started, but I still didn't know what to say. I actually was a little uncomfortable but I wasn't sure why. "I've never heard you talk about your family, that's all," I finally managed.

A smile pulled across his face. "I have a sister," he offered. "Angeline, or Angie, as she prefers. She's three years older than me, chose to stay in Montana when Dad got his job offer out here." He looked at me briefly. "You'd like her, I think. Fiercely independent, takes no shit. Heart's made of pure gold, though," he said. "She's only about 5'7", which makes her the runt of the family. You two have that in common."

"She's still a giant compared to me," I commented. Pieces were starting to fall into place. I had always wondered how Aaron just seemed to inherently know how to handle my fire. But now it made sense.

"Montana," I said after a short lull. "Mountains."

He nodded. "It's beautiful. I go back every spring," he told me. "You should go at some point in your life. It's just-" He launched into a perfectly painted description of the land and the sounds and the colors.

I leaned my head back and closed my eyes, envisioning this place I'd never been. "Is that an invitation?" I asked when he finished. "Because I might be tempted to accept on that description alone.

"It could be." I could hear the smile in just those three words.

The car stopped. I opened my eyes to see downtown Pacific Grove splayed in front of me. My feet dropped from the dashboard as I put my seat into a more upright position and slipped my shoes on. Aaron was staring at me like he wanted to say something, but then didn't. Instead, he pushed open his door and got out of the car. I followed.

We were inside and seated with our food ordered before we picked up conversation again. "So what about you?" he asked.

"Born and raised here."

"No, I know that," he shook his head, "I meant, if you weren't studying journalism and broadcasting, what would you be doing instead?"

"Oh." I thought for a minute. I hadn't always wanted be a journalism major, but when the time came, it had been my first choice. "Probably English or something with languages," I said. "Or creative writing, maybe."

"Huh," he said, but not like it was question. It was more like he was surprised by my answer.

"What?" I asked. "What did you think I would say?"

He shrugged. "I don't know. Something that would allow you to be out in nature. You're always so content to sit by the ocean. I know you like hiking, also. Swimming, if I'm not mistaken?" I nodded. "And archery, obviously. You're an active, physical person, I guess I just didn't expect you to have such an affinity for words," he said.

I scrunched my nose. "I don't know," I started. "I guess I've always thought of that stuff as just hobbies. I'm not sure how much I would like them if I was being forced to do them. But words," I paused. "Words are magic. They can hurt and they can heal. Why should I bother with anything else?"

"Did you just paraphrase a quote from Deathly Hallows?"

I locked my eyes on his, impressed that he knew that but not showing it. "Listen," I began, my tone serious, "my girl Jo knows what she's talking about, okay? I'll paraphrase her until the day I die, and then quote her directly with my dying breath," I said.

Aaron chuckled and dropped his gaze down to the table for just a moment before bringing it back to meet mine. "You're something else, you know that?" he said.

I grinned. "I'll take that as a compliment," I said as our server, Rachel, set a cup of coffee down in front of me. I was grateful. I could only be so functional without it and I had been trying hard not to show that I was losing steam.

Our food arrived shortly after. We didn't talk as much while we ate. I'd ordered the strawberry, banana, and nutella waffle with vanilla ice cream, and I'd let Aaron talk me into getting a side of breakfast potatoes to go with it. Then, when it came time to actually order, he'd also added on a side of fruit for me, because he knew, somehow, I would end up wanting it.

I made it through half the potatoes and about half the waffle when I began to realize the mistake I'd made. It was so much food. The ice cream was melting faster than I could eat it with the waffle so I set down my fork and reached for my spoon. I could feel Aaron's eyes on me so I glanced up and shot him a smile.

He looked...

"I think I was wrong, Jessi," he said. It was kind of out of nowhere because he hadn't said much in the last ten minutes.

"About what?" I asked before taking a bite of ice cream.

He sighed. I think. It was so quiet I might have imagined it. "What I said before you went to Disneyland," he said. I dropped my eyes down to my food and stuck my spoon into my ice cream again. "About easily going back to being just friends," he finished as I took another bite.

I choked.

"What?" I asked after taking a sip of my coffee.

He set down his fork and sighed. This time I was sure of it. "I don't know. It was different while you were gone."

"It was only a week, Aaron," I interrupted.

"And I've been thinking--feeling--differently since you've been back," he continued, like I hadn't said anything.

I sucked in a breath. "I should've gotten a mimosa instead." Where this was headed required alcohol. I reached unsteadily for my coffee instead. When had my hands started shaking?

"Would you like one?" he asked, looking around for Rachel.

"No," I said quickly. "And I would like to not have this conversation either." I could feel him trying to catch my eyes but I refused to look at him.

He breathed in deeply. "Jessi, come on," he said. I still wouldn't look up. "It wouldn't be much different than it is now. Except," he let the thought hang.

But I knew exactly what he wasn't saying. The only difference would be that neither of us would be having sex with other people. Though I was pretty sure it was just me having sex with other people anyway. Aaron could, he just didn't. I think.

"You said yourself, you could feel something for me. So...?" he said when I still didn't say anything.

He had me there. I did say that. And I meant it. Aaron was an incredible person. I had been comfortable around him from the moment we met, and he had never been put off by my snark. He was so smart, but he wasn't in your face about it. Our interests were similar enough that we could always find things to do together, but also different enough that it wasn't boring. If I closed my eyes and looked at the possibility of the future, I could see him as a part of it.

And it would get me away from Niall. Hot and cold Niall. In my face one second and then acting like I don't exist the next. Afton had been urging me to get away from him. Hell, even Liam, Niall's friend, warned me to be careful. Saying yes to Aaron right now would solve that problem.

But still.

"No," I said so quietly I barely heard myself.

I couldn't use Aaron as shield against Niall. Because if I was being honest with myself, and right in this moment, I needed to be honest with myself, I was weak when it came to him. Yes, I said I could have feelings for Aaron, but the fact was I didn't. Not yet. And so there would be nothing to stop me from crumbling to Niall whenever he decided to pop back in. I didn't want to hurt Aaron that way. I wouldn't.

"Jessi," he said quietly.

"I can't," I shrugged. I hated that I couldn't tell him why, but I couldn't be that cruel.

Just a week ago we had been on the same page. But during my absence, or maybe it was upon my return, Aaron had jumped ahead into a book in the series that hadn't even been written yet. And I was beginning to feel sick to my stomach.

"I like us the way we are," I said.

He sighed heavily. His shoulders sagged a little and he dropped his head for just a moment. It felt like the longest few seconds of my life just sitting there watching him try to gather himself after I rejected him. Something I had just accused him of doing to me not too long ago. I wanted to stop watching him. My hands itched to be busy but they remained around my coffee cup. I couldn't even think about picking up a utensil and putting food into my mouth.

He lifted his head and looked at me. Not in a challenging way. He was just... looking. "You like having a relationship without the responsibility,"

His words stung. I felt them as they cut deep. But as much as I didn't like hearing it, I don't think he was wrong. In all reality, he knew me too well to be wrong if he was telling me something about myself. I bit my lip.

"Maybe we should go," I suggested.

I guess he liked that idea because he caught the attention of the first server he saw and handed his card to him while telling him that we hadn't received our bill yet, but we needed to get going. I reached into my purse and pulled out my wallet, prepared to pay for what I'd ordered. I didn't expect anything from him after what I'd just done.

"What are you doing?" he asked, eyeing my wallet. "I've got it." His tone was so insistent that I immediately dropped my wallet back into my purse without a word.

The drive back to his house seemed to last forever. He didn't make even the smallest sound. I didn't lean the seat back or put my feet up on the dashboard again. I just sat there, feeling worse with each minute that ticked by.

God damn Niall.

God damn me.