Trading Heartbeats

I didn't like the way I left things with Aaron, but I didn't really have a choice. As soon as he pulled into his driveway, he was out of the car without a word. He didn't bother waiting for me to get out before he disappeared inside his house, letting the door shut behind him.

I couldn't blame him. He had every right to be upset. He'd put himself out there, took a risk he was sure was worth it, and I just sat there and destroyed not only our potential future, but also the past three years of our friendship. And I did it without even the tiniest explanation. I wouldn't be surprised if he hated me.

I would hate me, if I was him.

I sat in my truck for fifteen minutes, a long time to wrestle with my thoughts. I wanted to go pound on his front door and make him talk to me. But that was selfish, and it was becoming obvious that I had been selfish enough. I knew I had to leave him alone. But I didn't like it.

I reached for my phone and looked at it for the first time in more than twelve hours. Twitter, missed call, voice mail, and text message notifications assaulted me. I ignored them all and opened the conversation with Aaron.

I'm sorry

That was really all I could say. It might not even have been fair of me to say it, considering I'd given him no reason, but it was the truth. I felt sick about hurting him. I felt sick that I hadn't seen it coming. I felt sick that he and I would probably not speak for a long time, if ever.

I felt sick and so, so sorry.

There was an empty space in the driveway when I got home so I pulled into it, but I didn't get down out of my truck. I cleared all the notifications without looking at them, wishing I could clear my mind in a similar fashion. I needed something to distract me.

I opened the conversation with Niall. Maybe the thing that caused this mess was the answer. If he would stop dodging me, anyway.

A call came in as I was typing a message. "I was just texting you," I answered in lieu of a greeting.

"I didn't get anything," he said defensively.

I blinked rapidly. Two separate thoughts jumped into my head. I could ask, in a very snarky manner, if he had also not gotten my texts from the last few days, or...

"Do you have a problem with comprehension? I was in the middle of typing a message. I didn't hit send yet," I said. And then mumbled, "Fucking idiot."

"Huh?"

I rested my elbow on the steering wheel and dropped my forehead into my hand. "What do you want, Niall?" I asked, suddenly not in them mood to have it out with him.

"Where are you?" he asked, not seeming the least bit bothered by my attitude.

"I just got home from breakfast," I said.

"It's nearly noon," he commented.

Semantics. I sighed. "Okay, brunch."

He was quiet for a beat. "Come meet me," he said.

"Where?" I asked.

"The Lodge. I'll leave a key at the desk for you."

I shook my head that was still cradled in my hand, even though he couldn't see me. "That won't work," I told him.

"What? Course it will. I already called and asked. They said no problem, you just need ID to get it," he said.

I groaned. "No, Niall, you don't get it. That's my employer. I've worked there since I was sixteen. If you do some simple math, you would know that is six years. Which means I know everyone who works there and everyone who works there knows me. I can't just waltz up to the front desk and ask for a room key left by some guy. That looks bad," I explained.

"Huh," he grunted.

"Meet me somewhere else," I suggested.

"Where?" he asked.

I heaved an exasperated sigh. "Jesus Christ, Niall, I don't know." I lifted my head from my hand and leaned back against the seat. "There are hotels all over Pacific Grove and Monterey. Pick one," I snapped.

"You know what? Just forget it," he said and hung up.

I screamed. I slammed my hand against the steering wheel. I fought the urge to throw my phone through the windshield as I furiously erased the text I was typing when he called. I almost deleted the entire conversation, but instead flipped over to the conversation with Afton.

Before I could even get out a single letter, I saw her in my side mirror, bare feet, crossing the street from her house. I flung open the door and hopped down.

"Where have you been?" she demanded.

"Fell asleep at Aaron's," I said grumpily. She raised and eyebrow. "I messed up."

"I'll say." She sounded truly surprised, which was not something that happened often with either of us. Not anymore, anyway.

I shook my head. "No. Like, bad. Like, really, really fucked up."

I slammed the door shut and told her everything as we walked around the side the of the house to the back yard. I told her about yesterday when Aaron met me on the rocks with Pavel's, and then at Michael's where I paid for his tacos. And then at his house when I fell asleep during a massage, and how he slept on the couch. I told her what he said about how I don't let people do nice things for me. She quickly voiced her agreement but let me continue. I told her about breakfast and how I just sat there and ruined everything.

I pushed open the door to my room and Watson ran out. I left it open but didn't go inside. Instead, I led Afton over to the trampoline and told her about how I just wanted a distraction and the conversation I had with Niall. She didn't say much the entire time. It didn't happen often, probably because I didn't usually get this upset about things, but she just let me talk.

I flopped down on trampoline, laying on my back. "And you know the worst part?" I asked. She laid next to me, both of us staring up at the sky, blue with puffs of white. I could feel my frustration bubbling. "I can't even get fucked when I want to," I yelled.

"Jessilynn Rae Nieto," my mother's voice warned from inside. Shit.

I cringed. "Sorry, Mama," I called back.

"Your mom's home, by the way," Afton told me.

I closed my eyes and breathed out hard. "Thanks for the heads up," I replied.

"Anytime."

We laid there for a long time. It wasn't the distraction I was looking for. Instead my thoughts ran rampant through my mind, circling back every so often like they were on some kind of marquee. I grew more tense and the minutes passed.

And then finally, I couldn't take it anymore. I pushed myself up into a sitting position. "I want to shoot something," I said.

"With an arrow?" Afton asked as she sat up.

I shook my head, scooting to the edge of the trampoline. "No, with a gun." I hopped down. "Mama," I called. A couple hours at the gun range sounded like the perfect way to spend the afternoon.

+++

Jessilynn Rae @neatojessi
Sometimes you just gotta shoot something

A series of pictures followed. One of just me, in my black tank top, black shorts, and dark sunglasses, hair pulled back into a ponytail, holding a gun. One of me with Afton, in her ripped shorts and black shirt that boasted I'M NOT PSYCHO, her multi colored hair and multi colored sunglasses, both holding guns. A Charlie's Angels style picture of Afton, Mama, and me. One of me ready to shoot. And then a video of me shooting and a close-up of my target when I finished, showing how good I am with a gun.

By the time we were on the way to the car two hours later, my phone had blown up with Twitter notifications.

@jessenenenia favorited 5 tweets
@zanyday favorited 3 tweets
@zanyday replied to your tweet
@colieg favorited 2 tweets
@joeynotjoy favorited 5 tweets
@n_a_s_h favorited your tweet
@joeynotjoy mentioned you in a tweet
@NiallOfficial replied to your tweet
@speree favorited 3 tweets
@Real_Liam_Payne followed you
@Real_Liam_Payne favorited your tweet
@ajwarnock favorited your tweet
@Real_Liam_Payne replied to your tweet
@Harry_Styles favorited your tweet
@afton retweeted you

"Oh my god," I said out loud, sliding into the back seat of Mama's car. Afton had already claimed the front. My stomach jumped when I registered that Aaron had favorited the picture of me in my shooting stance, even though he barely used his Twitter. Maybe he didn't hate me.

Zane Lucas @zanyday
@neatojessi oooh sounds like a night for trouble. Call me!

Joie P @joeynotjoy
@zanyday @neatojessi neato call one of us!

Niall Horan @NiallOfficial
@neatojessi remind me to stay on your good side

Liam Payne @Real_Liam_Payne
@neatojessi found you finally glad you like me whoa had no idea you could shoot

For just a minute, I ignored the tweets and went to Aaron's profile. It was stupid and I knew it would only serve to upset me but I couldn't help myself. His most recent tweet was an hour old. The one before that was from three weeks ago. I'd asked him once why he even bothered having a Twitter but he never gave me an answer. I scrolled down to look at his timeline.

ajw @ajwarnock
#NP Your Mama Should've Named You Whiskey -Luke Bryan

I bit my lip and breathed out hard. The sick feeling came back. I went back to my own profile and deleted my bio. The one Niall had mocked. Ten pounds of sugar in a five pound sack. In its place, I typed goodbye girl. Another Luke Bryan song. But it seemed more fitting for the time being.

After typing a quick response to Niall's tweet, I closed Twitter and opened my texts, easily finding the conversation with Joie.

Whats up

Omg I said call

Im in the car with shep and mama right now

What happened

Nothing im fine. Down for some trouble though

GOOD because bowie wants to go to segs

Segs? Thats hardly the place to go to get into trouble

Omg that new bartender has been eyeing you since he started

Plus its bowie. She can find a way to get into trouble anywhere

Point taken, im in

Three hours later I was sitting on the floor of my bedroom with Watson curled up in my lap. Afton had done and re-done my hair, unsatisfied with any of the results she was coming up with. First it was too formal, then it was too messy. Then it just wasn't right. She finally decided to go with my usual look, messy waves. But she had to make it the perfect messy waves, not the ones I could achieve from getting my hair wet and putting it into a bun for half an hour with a little bit of spray.

My phone rang and Zane's face flashed across the screen. I answered it on speaker. "Luuuuuke," I greeted. I don't know why all of us did it, but when we were talking about her, we always called her Bowie. When we were talking to her, we called her Luke.

"Joie's on her way to your house," she said.

"She's been here for twenty minutes," I said, looking over at my closed bathroom door. I heard the shower shut off.

"Good," she replied. "What were you thinking of wearing tonight?" she asked. Then without even waiting for a response, continued, "Wear the top."

"What top?"

"You know, the top," she repeated.

Afton hit my arm. "Oh my god, yes. The top. The black one. With the criss cross."

"Shep!" Zane exclaimed. "You coming tonight?" she asked.

"I don't know. Is JJ going?" Afton asked.

"Nah, busy."

She hummed, pausing for just a moment before answering. "I think I'll sit this one out too, then," she said finally.

"Alright, then tell Nash we said hey," Zane replied.

I whipped my head around to look at Afton. She hadn't mentioned anything about Nash to me. But she just shook her head. "Bye Luke!" she said and reached over to end the call. "It's nothing," she said to me immediately. "I ran into Nash last night and we hung out for a little while and then I also saw Bowie while I was with Nash. She's just,"

"Being Bowie?" I laughed.

"Yes!" she exclaimed, then quickly shifted subjects. "So what are you going to wear with the top?" she asked.

I thought for a second. Black jeans, maybe. Except that Segovia's did tend to get pretty warm. I quickly ran through my wardrobe in my head, trying to include things I didn't wear very often. Then I pushed aside anything dressy since Segs is kind of a dive. "Maybe the galaxy skirt?" I suggested.

"Think about how many dudes are going to say something about your ass being 'out of this world,'" Joie said from the doorway of the bathroom.

"Yeah, and that's how I'll know not to have sex with them," I said. "It's actually kind of perfect."

Forty five minutes later, Joie and I walked into the bar. The top that Afton and Zane had been talking about was a black fitted crop top with a sweetheart neckline. The tank top straps criss crossed in the back and the front had a cut-out in a criss cross pattern across the top of my stomach. The galaxy skirt was black with blue and pink and purple and I was wearing it with western style boots that lent a couple inches to my height and a black studded wrap watch. Afton had done my makeup, perfectly winged eyeliner and dark red lips.

Joie made a beeline for the jukebox while I headed straight for the bar. The bartender Joie mentioned earlier was working. I bit back a smile as I slipped in between two stools. He came over immediately.

"Jessi, what'll it be tonight?" he asked.

"How's is going, Chase?" I asked, lifting myself up onto the stool.

"You just get here?" he asked. So far that was three questions and not one had been answered yet. I nodded. "So no one's said anything about that galaxy you're wearing yet?"

I shook my head. "Please don't be the first," I pleaded.

The corners of his eyes crinkled as he chuckled. "Wouldn't dream of it. So, what'll it be?" he asked again.

I took a moment to consider him before I said anything. Compared to me, he was tall, maybe about five feet, ten inches. But everyone is tall compared to me. Dark hair, dark, happy eyes, strong jaw, and naturally tanned skin; he was definitely good looking. He had a quick wit. I knew from having bantered back and forth with him on more than one occasion.

"What time are you off?" I asked.

His eyebrows raised as he rested his arms on the bar and leaned forward. "Why do you ask?" he said, his voice low. I gave a one shouldered shrug and tipped my head to the side just a little. I kept my face straight as the corner of his mouth pulled up into a grin. "Ten," he said. "You still gonna be around?" he asked. I shrugged at him again. The corners of his eyes crinkled again. "Tell you what, first drink's on me."

I laughed. "Tell you what," I said back to him, "I'll buy my first drink and maybe you can buy the one I have before we leave." I swear his eyes nearly popped out of his head at my suggestion. "Jack with a splash of Coke," I said. He pushed himself up off the bar and turned to make my drink. I had some time to kill if I was going to wait for him. "Can I get the darts also?"

Two hours, two drinks, and two waters later, I abandoned the darts on the patio and headed back inside with Zane close on my heels.

"I like dick," she yelled over her shoulder at the guys who had been trying to hook her up with their very pretty female friend. "That girl was a babe, though. If I was into girls, I would've been all over her," she said to me.

I merely laughed at her and pushed open the door to the bathroom. She didn't follow me inside, and made her way over to the bar instead. I peed quickly and then washed my hands, staring at myself in the mirror. My hair still looked perfect and my makeup hadn't smudged. I had to fight the urge to splash water on my face.

Zane had disappeared by the time I got to the bar. Chase was busy pouring drinks for a group at the opposite end of the bar so I flagged down Lexy and then leaned against the bar and scanned the room while I waited for her. It turned out Zane had not disappeared, and instead appeared to be telling a very detailed story to a couple of tipsy guys. Huddled next to the fire pit, Joie was deep in conversation with someone, which explained why I hadn't seen her since we'd arrived. And just walking in the door behind a gorgeous, leggy brunette was Niall.

I turned back to the bar, feeling my blood boil. Asshole couldn't be bothered to meet me somewhere, anywhere, but here he was with a girl who looked vaguely familiar. I couldn't place her, though. I didn't care that he was with someone. I was pissed that he was out at all, when it had been such a hassle this morning when I'd suggested it.

It seemed like forever before Lexy brought me a water. I dropped some cash on the counter and turned quickly to go back outside. Luckily there were still a few people out there and I was able to talk one of them into playing darts with me, after promising to go easy. Of course I didn't, because I'm not really that kind of person. But once the game was over, they left. I pulled out my phone to check the time but was distracted by a notification.

A text message.

From Aaron.

I opened it.

I know

That was it. I sighed and shoved my phone back in my purse and headed back inside. I could feel a pair of eyes on me as soon as I reached the end of the hallway and they didn't leave me as I walked over to the bar. I shook my empty water bottle at Lexy when she looked at me and she nodded as she continued to pour drinks for the couple in front of her.

It was dark enough in the bar that I felt his hand on me before I saw him. "Let me buy you a drink," he said, speaking low in my ear. I was tempted to elbow him in the stomach but something stopped me. Instead I turned to look at him, surprised to find him completely sober.

"You're a real piece of shit," I said to him and then turned back to see Lexy walking over with another water for me. "I love you," I told her. She grinned at me.

"Can we get her something a bit stronger?" Niall asked, reaching for his wallet. "Maybe a shot." I felt him look at me. Study me, really. Briefly. "You seem like a tequila kind of girl," he said.

I twisted the cap off my water bottle and squared him with a look. "Based on what?" I asked. I turned to Lexy. "His ID is fake." Her only response was to look at us with wide eyes before she turned to help someone else without another word.

"Guess we should probably get out of here then," Niall said. "Since you've just ruined my chances of drinking tonight."

I laughed. "You're here with another girl, in case you forgot," I told him.

He shrugged. "So? I wanna leave with you," he said.

I rolled my eyes. "You're a real piece of shit," I said again, turning away from the bar.

He followed me as I walked down the hallway and back outside. I was hoping that someone would have wandered out there, but it had gotten dark and the wind had picked up a little, so the patio was empty. As soon as he realized we were alone, he grabbed my arm and pulled me to him. I knew what was coming next, and it wasn't what I had intended to happen.

He kept the one hand on my arm and the other grazed the skin my crop top left exposed. His mouth found mine too easily, and I responded without hesitation. I inched closer to him, grabbing at his shirt and pulling him closer to me. It was so confusing, so weird that I could want to kiss him and not want to kiss him at the same time. That I was pissed at him for how he'd blown me off and then shown up out of nowhere again, but still couldn't really say no completely. That I could hate him and want him at the same time.

I was trying to convince myself to push him away when he pulled back on his own. "You were saying?" he asked.

"I hate you," I told him. But my tone wasn't joking. It was firm.

I leaned up to kiss him again but he straightened before I could catch his lips. "Can see that," he commented, glancing down. "You look sexy as hell, anyone told you that yet?" His hand finally released my arm and then grabbed the back of my neck. He pulled me even closer to him, so our bodies were touching and he leaned down like he was going to kiss me again. But he stopped just barely an inch from my face. "We should get out of here," he said again.

"And go where?" I asked, pushing myself up so our mouths met, but he pulled back quickly.

"Anywhere," he said, loosening his grip on my neck.

I let my head drop and breathed out hard through my nose, catching sight of my watch. It was just past ten. With both hands, I gave Niall a decent push. Enough to make his hands fall away from him as he stumbled backward couple steps, but not enough for him to fall. He looked at me, confused. I shrugged.

"Sorry," I began, though I don't think I really was. "I'm going to go fuck the bartender," I told him.

I allowed myself only a quick glance at his face before I walked past him to head back into the bar to find Chase. The look he wore was one of astonishment. And it felt so good.

+++

Jessilynn Rae @neatojessi
@NiallOfficial you're already on my shitlist