Don't Think I Can Fight This Anymore

Dear Charlie,

I made it safely to Alberta. It’s not like where I’m from, but you’d like it here. Clear air, mountains and lakes. Quinn had a nice spot.

The funeral is tomorrow and I still don’t know what to do or say. I never thought he’s actually end it like this. How am I supposed to look his mother in the eye?

We went to the war never looking to come back, so how are we supposed to go on now?

Anyway, I’m on my way out for drinks with everyone. Make the best of a crap situation. I’m enclosing some souvenirs for you, so enjoy.

Yours,
Evelyn

PS - I know you say it’s okay to be upset, but maybe I’m still in denial. I won’t believe it until he’s really gone, I guess.

~*~

Evelyn sat in a quiet bar in Edmonton, drinking an overpoured Jack and Ginger. They would all be apparating to Quinn’s cabin tomorrow for the funeral, meeting his family and a priest there. The village close to the cabin only had so many rooms, so it was a gesture to let his family have them.

It was good to be back. The TV in the corner was showing highlights from the Stanley Cup Finals, with game three just hours away. But it was New Jersey and Colorado, and quite frankly no one cared that much. She listened to the bartender talk to a few regulars about local troubles.

The front door opened and Evelyn looked around, then blinked a few times to be sure. “What the hell?”

Daniel Finch grinned down at his older sister, big brown eyes radiating warmth. “Is that how we greet family now?”

“Typically.”

“Well, you’ve got me there.”

Evelyn stood and hugged him tightly. Her little brother was taller than her, so she only just came up to his shoulder. She’d never forget the day they had gone out on the ice to play hockey, and suddenly he was bigger than she was.

“Hey, Danny.” she muttered.

“Hey Evie.” He released her. “You need another drink. I’ll get it.”

She sat down and watched him order a beer and another Jack and Ginger. He looked good. Healthy. Strong. And not in South Korea, where he was supposed to be.

“What are you doing here?” she blurted out as he came back to the table she had chosen.

He chuckled. “Attending a funeral, just like you. I’m on leave. You forget, Tracy was in my unit first.”

Evelyn felt like she had been slapped in the face. How could she forget? That Quinn had a life before the world stopped? That he had been friends with her brother? Was she that self absorbed?

“Sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it. I figured you’d need a shoulder to cry on anyway.”

Evelyn rolled her eyes. “Brat.” She looked at him. “How’s Mom?”

His eyes grew worried. “Fine.”

“...And Dad?”

“Don't do that, Evie. Don't do that to yourself.”

Evelyn sipped her drink through the black plastic straw. This one was just as strong as the last. Wonderful. “Do what?” she asked.

He sipped his beer calmly. “Your accent changed.”

“No it hasn’t.”

But even as she said the words, she noticed the change. Granted, compared to any of her friends she was still all sharp A’s and round OU’s. Being back with her brother and surrounded by countrymen, however, made her realize that maybe she had picked up a bit of British.

“Whatever.” she conceded. “I’m just asking about our parents.”

“Our parents who disowned you. I don’t know why you even still talk to Mom. All she does is try to convince you to talk to Dad.”

“Because she’s my mom.”

Daniel’s grimace said it all. As far as he was concerned, neither of them had parents.

The bar door opened again and this time Trip walked in. Evelyn immediately stood and greeted him with a tight hug. Trip shook Daniel’s hand.

“Glad you could make it.” he said, glancing at Evelyn as he spoke to Daniel. “How are you?”

“Good.”

He looked at Evelyn. “And you, Evs?”

She shrugged. “Hanging in there.”

“How’s Charlie?”

Daniel looked at his sister. “Who’s Charlie?”

“My boyfriend.” Evelyn muttered, her cheeks coloring. “He’s fine.”

“You have a boyfriend?”

“He’s your boyfriend now?”

Evelyn sat back down in her chair and glared pointedly at Trip. “Thanks, asshole.”

Trip moved to the bar and Daniel sat back down. “You didn’t tell me you have a boyfriend.”

“Well sorry, I didn’t think it was such a big deal.”

“It’s a bigger deal than the china patterns you keep sending me letters about.” Daniel propped his chin on his palm. “So. What’s he like?”

She sighed. “He’s...a bit of a wild man, really. He studies dragons in Romania. I really only see him when he comes home to visit his family. We write letters, most of the time. We go on adventures. I don’t know.”

“Does he make you happy?”

It was such a cliche question. But it was really the only one he could have asked. Nothing else mattered. Daniel saw the way her face softened as she told him the truth. “Yes. He does.”

“Good.” He reached over and squeezed her hand as Trip sat down with them. “I’ll have to meet him sometime.”

“Yeah.”

“You got a pitcure?”

Evelyn sighed and reached for her purse.

“Wow.” Trip grinned. “It’s more serious than we thought.”

“Shut up.” She flipped open her wallet and freed the polaroid that had been taken at the Burrow, and handed it to her brother. “You’re one to talk. Haven’t you been with the same girl for three years? When are you getting married?”

Daniel looked at the redhead who kissed his sister’s wrist, trapped in a tender moment. But there was a knowing look there. A man who knew exactly what he did to Evelyn, who knew exactly how to handle her. And he found himself incredibly happy for his older sister. Finally. Someone who could love her properly.

The door opened yet again, this time revealing Tess and Colin, followed closely by Ian. Evelyn immediately got up and ran over to hug Tess tightly.

“She hugs all of you guys.” Daniel muttered, putting the photo back in his sister’s wallet. “You know what I got? Why the hell are you here.”

Trip chuckled. “Well, that’s Evelyn for you.”

Tess sighed at Evelyn, pushing inky black hair out of her eyes. “Still dressing like everyday is a costume party?”

Evelyn looked down at her outfit. Jeans and the shirt with the ripped sleeves that Charlie had pulled from her closet what seemed like months ago. Her leather motorcycle jacket hung on her chair.

“You’re the one who taught me that! Dress like who you want to be that day!”

“Yeah. Only because you were hopeless before.”

“How’s being pregnant?”

“Don’t ask questions you don’t want to know the answer to, Finch.” She turned towards the table. “Trip! Back from building sand castles?”

Evelyn hugged Colin, congratulated him on the pregnancy, and then hugged Ian. Eventually everyone had drinks and settled back around the table. Ian handed out letters to Evelyn, Trip, Tess and Colin.

“We found these at Quinn’s cabin.” he said quietly.

Evelyn slowly unfolded her letter. The first thing she saw was the date. It was from a year ago.

“Sarge. The date’s wrong.” Tess said, looking at her own letter.

“I know.” Ian rubbed his eye. “He wrote them as an exercise for his psychiatrist. They were left out on his coffee table.”

“There wasn’t any actual note?” Evelyn asked, swallowing a sour taste in her throat.

“No.”

“His shrink had him write his suicide notes a year ago.” Tess clarified. “What is the world coming to?”

Evelyn looked down and read her letter.

Dear Evs,

I know that you’re the most disappointed in me, and I’m sorry for that. You’ve always believed in me, and that I can get through this. But maybe I just can’t anymore. Maybe this is how it has to be.

You know, we went to the war never looking to come back. You and Ian and all the others managed to keep going. Make a life out of what little you had left. But I just couldn’t. Something in me stopped going forward and each day gets harder and harder.

I know this isn’t what anyone planned, but I just want to sleep peacefully for a change. No more nightmares or regrets. This isn’t anyone’s fault, Evelyn. Especially not yours. I know you just want to save everyone, but sometimes it’s past that point.

I love you, always.

Quinn

Evelyn folded her letter back up and rested with her eyes closed for a moment. Then she shoved the letter into her purse and looked up at her brother sitting across from her. He reached over and squeezed her hand tightly. The table sat in silence for a moment.

Trip took up his glass and raised it in the center of the table. “To Private Quinn Tracy. May he finally be at peace.”

They all pushed their glasses together and murmured, “To Quinn” or “To Tracy”.

The table was silent for a moment, then Colin unexpectedly let out a small laugh. “Remember the time Tracy and Frank got trashed and wandered the streets of London for four hours singing Bohemian Rhapsody?”

“And ended up outside my apartment?” Ian said as they all laughed. “They were lucky they didn't wake the whole neighborhood.”

“That was nothing.” Evelyn said. “Remember when Quinn gave Sherlock half a bottle of wine? Oh, I could have killed him. My apartment reeked of dog facts for a week.”

~*~

Evelyn pulled on her jacket and looked to her brother. “Where are you staying?”

Ian and Trip had left together, swaying and singing the chorus from a Creedence Clearwater Revival song. Tess was stuffing her husband into a cab. Apparition had been making her sick lately.

“With you?” he grinned.

Evelyn gave him a flat look. “You didn’t book a room.”

“Well...no.”

She sighed. “Alright. You can sleep on the couch in the room.”

He hugged her tightly. “Love ya, big sis.”

“Get off me, you idiot.” She glanced at her watch. “We’d better get going. Sherlock’s been alone in the room for five hours.”

“You brought Sherlock?”

“Of course I brought Sherlock. He hates being separated from me for too long, and George works even longer hours than I do so he can’t watch him.”

“What about your boyfriend.”

“Charlie is in Romania. He left the day before I did.” She held the bar door open for him and the turned right. She looked to the sky as they walked down the street, remembering the wish she had made not long ago. Now she wished Charlie was with her.

“The long distance thing must suck.”

Daniel watched his sister smile vaguely. “Sometimes. But...I don’t know. I like writing him letters. And when I do see him it’s that much more important. I guess. I don’t know. It works. For now.”

They were coming up on a young couple pushing a stroller together. A small arm flung a pink ball out of the cart and it bounced into the street. Before either parent could reach, Evelyn dashed out after it.

Daniel’s heart leapt into his throat as a car screamed by, horn blaring as it swung to avoid his sister. She scooped up the ball and was back on the sidewalk.

“Here.” she smiled at the mother, handing the ball back.

She blinked in shock. “Th-thank you.”

Daniel caught up to his sister and they kept walking. “You’ve got to stop doing that shit.” he muttered to her.

“What?”

“The insane recklessness! What if that car hit you?”

“It wasn’t going to hit me.” she said steadily.

“Oh really. And tell me, what does Charlie think of your insane behavior?”

Evelyn thought briefly about him screaming to slow down in her ear while they rode the Ducati through the streets of London. Her near-injury during the first two minutes of a friendly quidditch game.

She shrugged.

Daniel rolled his eyes. “Some day, Evelyn, you’re going to have to decide if you want to live for something more than you want to die for it. And I hope I get to see the look on your face when it happens.”

“Quit trying to be so wise, Master Yoda.” she said. “Come on, Sherlock’s waiting.”

~*~

Evelyn and Daniel materialized a few feet away from the cabin door. Evelyn took a deep breath of the fresh mountain air. Everything was so green and lively. The river sparkled at them, catching the sun which was approaching the western horizon.

A tall man and woman standing on the other side of the door flinched, then worked to mask their shock. Quinn’s parents had been muggles, Evelyn remembered. Everyone else in the unit had some wizarding blood, except for herself and Quinn.

Evelyn easily stepped forward. “I’m so sorry. I’m Evelyn Finch.”

“Evelyn.” Quinn’s mother repeated, grasping her hand in both of her own. “Quinn talked about you. He always looked up to you.”

“I don’t - “

“Thank you, so much. For helping him as much as you could.”

Evelyn looked back at her brother, and he almost shrunk away from her. Evelyn’s eyes had regained a layer of hardness. She was suppressing her emotions, shrinking away.

“My brother Daniel.”

Daniel moved forward and shook hands, and Evelyn slipped inside the cabin. She had come here a few days ago with Ian, and when she saw the kayak outside still waiting for its maiden voyage she couldn’t go inside the cabin. It was just how she imagined it. Sparse, like her own apartment. But spacious and lit by natural light. A photo of the 445th Wizarding waved at her from the wall.

Evelyn moved closer and examined the photo for the thousandth time. Did she look younger, here? Less burdened? This was taken back when she didn’t know what she was capable of. Did it show?

She saw an odd lump in the corner and knelt down to reach it. She blew dust and cobwebs off Quinn’s medal of honor and laid it out on an end table.

She had days like that too. When she wanted to just throw it away and forget.

With a sigh she went back outside, and found Trip waiting for her. He silently held out a pack of cigarettes to her, and she sighed and took one.

“Don’t tell anyone.” she muttered.

“You afraid of Charlie?”

“No. His mother.”

Trip smirked and watched her light the cigarette with the tip of her wand. She closed her eyes as she took a deep drag. She had missed this.

“You ready for this?” She asked him.

“No.”

She looked to the river, where Quinn’s family and the 445th and Daniel were lovely clustered around a priest and the kayak. Quinn would be sent out in style. A suicide meant he couldn't be buried in the family plot. Did he really think the world would be better without him? That anyone would be happier or less burdened for it?

“Well,” she sighed as she thought about what Quinn had written her a year ago, “the road to hell is paved with good intentions.”

They slowly walked towards the group. Daniel waited for his sister to stand with him before reaching over and entwined their pinky fingers. It was how Evelyn made him hold her hand to cross the street when they were children. It made him focus.

Evelyn looked at Quinn’s peaceful face as he lay in the kayak. She tried to believe he was happier this way.

The priest looked around, then stepped forward.

“Were gathered here to mourn the passing of a beloved son, admired friend, and a true patriot. Let us begin in the name of the father, son, holy spirit.”

“Amen.”

“Lord, we ask that you look after Quinn Tracy, and welcome him with open arms…”

Evelyn started tuning the priest out. Up until she was five her mother took them to church every Sunday. She stopped believing in God at eight, along with Santa Clause. But she still knew all the words and motions.

Quinn’s mother sobbed as she tucked a small book under his hand. The priest nodded to Ian, who stepped forward next.

“Incendio.” he muttered, and the branches packed around and under Quinn burst into flames.

Evelyn, Trip, Colin and Tess moved forward and each lay hands on the kayak. Evelyn looked down at Quinn as the flames licked his face. She bit her lip and and looked up at the orange and pink sky, the sun already behind the mountains.

Ian grabbed the end of the kayak and what was left of the 445th pushed Private Quinn Tracy out onto the water together. They sloshed out into the clear clean water, Evelyn up to her waist in water before they stopped and turned the boat downstream. They released the kayak.

“Goodbye, Tracy.” Tess whispered. “Say hi to Frank and Hayes for us.”