Don't Think I Can Fight This Anymore

Dear Evelyn,

I’m sorry that

I wish I could understand why you’ve done this

I don’t know why you think you have to save everyone from

I’m sorry if I upset you but I really don’t think

You’re right, you’re a monster. Are you happy now?

I don’t care. I still love you.

Charlie

Charlie crumpled the letter and tossed it at the bin, wildly missing. He let the ball of parchment sit on the floor as he rubbed his temples, exhausted. He hadn’t slept well last night. All he could think of was her cold demeanor all through last night.

Maybe she was telling the truth.

And if she was lying, why would she lie? An unfounded theory that a Death Eater would come after him? To get at her for no apparent reason? If Lestrange wanted to go after anyone, wouldn’t it be Harry? The members of the Order of the Phoenix? Why a Canadian military group that very few people knew even existed?

What could she possibly have done in a past life to cause this?

So, he’d believe that she was being honest.

Finally, he stood and wandered out into the hallway. The door to Bill’s old room, across from his own, was open and empty. He walked carefully down the stairs, arriving in the kitchen to find it also vacant. Where was everyone? Probably at work. It was so strange to see the crooked house emprty. He poured himself a cup of coffee and walked outside, smelling the crisp fall air.

His mother waved at him from the chicken coup, tossed a few more handfuls of feed and walked towards him. She looked at him full on.

“You look like you need something to eat.” She sighed. “Come on.”

~*~

In London, Evelyn sat at a table in her own tea shop, her face down on the white linen tablecloth, blue china pushed out of the way. To say she was hungover was an understatement. Her head pounded, her stomach constantly lurched, and she suspected she was still drunk. She reeked of cigarettes and her throat was sore.

“Alright.” Sylvia said uncertainly, walking across the room. “I think I got this right.”

Evelyn stared at the tall glass of hangover cure Sylvia put down in front of her, before slowly sitting up and taking the glass. Her stomach turned over, but she grimaced and gulped down the whole glass without tasting it.

“So you dumped Charlie.” Sylvia said. “You told him you don’t love him. You purposely broke his heart. Why?”

“Keep him safe.” Evelyn said horsely. “From Lestrange.”

George, Sylvia, and Jackie all just stared at her.

“That is so bloody unbelievably stupid.” Sylvia said slowly. “Really, Evs. I thought you were smarter than that.”

“It’s the only way.” Evelyn said weakly.

“You could have told him what’s going on.” Jackie said in her quiet, horse voice.

Completely side tracked, George looked at the chef in surprise. “You can talk? I thought all you ever did was scowl at everyone.”

Jackie scowled at him in response.

“Evs,” Sylvia said, half pleading, “if you just tell him what’s going on he can protect himself.”

Evelyn shook her head. “No. Lestrange is too good. He’d find a way.”

“It’s not just yourself you’re hurting here! He’s probably heart broken!”

“Good. Then he won’t try to talk me around and Lestrange will think he’s just someone I was sleeping with.”

“Evelyn!”

“Evs,” George sighed, “look just...if you’re right, and you catch Lestrange and lock him up...you’ll talk to Charlie then, right? You’ll tell him the truth?”

“Oh yes, and then we can go through my magic wardrobe and live in Narnia happily ever after.” Evelyn said bitterly. “Because it’s that easy.”

All three of her friends looked puzzled.

“Narnia?” George asked. “What’s that?”

“You have a magic wardrobe?” Sylvia asked curiously.

Evelyn sighed. “Nevermind. Look, when it’s over, I’ll talk to him. I promise. But until then...not a word, alright?”

George studied his friend. “What if he’s too hurt?” He asked. “My brother can be pretty stubborn. What if he doesn’t take you back?”

Evelyn looked at her lap to hide her face. “Well that’s just a risk I’ll have to take, isn’t it?”

~*~

Trip had initially been happy when he returned to England after a short trip to Kuwait. He had calmly and patiently explained everything to Sarah, who was shocked, to say the least. And then angry that he hadn’t told her. But in the end was in love with him, and decided to move to England with him, wizard or not.

When he arrived in London and found that Evelyn had purposely trashed her own relationship, he couldn’t help but to be exasperated. Everyone knew she was a risk taker, but this was something else.

Ian had warned him before he had gone to see her. That she had changed. That in the few weeks he was gone she smiled even less and fought more, training with the young aurors once a week as opposed to once a month. She ruled the tearoom with such an iron fist that all her employees, save Jackie, were terrified they’d get fired any second for the smallest infractions. She worked alongside Ian fruitlessly trying to track down Lestrange after training, sitting next to his desk so often that some people started to think she had become an auror herself.

Trip hesitated slightly before knocking on the door. It flew open and his heart leapt to his throat.

She had reverted into his Evelyn again. Her her eyes were blue diamonds, and the sweet smell of cigarettes clung to her. She wore blood red robes, forgoing her muggle outfits. She was the woman he had loved, the monster Charlie had only glimpsed. Once, he thought he’d do anything to see her like this again.

But now he was downright terrified of what she had become.

“Trip, hi.” She said, stuffing her wand in her pocket. “Come in.”

He followed her inside the apartment, stooping to pet Sherlock.

“What’s going on?” She asked. “Find a new place yet?”

He sighed and shook his head. “I’m letting Sarah deal with that, I think. It’ll be important for her.”

“She’s coming up here? That’s good.”

He hummed in agreement and sat on the couch next to her.

“Why are you here, Trip?” She asked.

“I found an ice rink that has public skates. I was wondering if maybe you wanted to go and shoot a few pucks around.”

She was studying him, looking for the lie. She found it. “No, you’re not. Why are you here?”

He sighed and gave up. “I just wanted to see how you were. I heard about Charlie.”

She snorted and stood, walking to the windows. “I suppose you’re going to try to talk me around, then? Ask me to go and tell him the truth?”

“No.”

“Why not? Everyone else has.”

He watched her open a window and pull a pack of cigarettes and her wand from her pocket.

“I want to understand, why would you do that to him?” Trip asked, watching her take a long, relieved drag of the cigarette. “Why break his heart? I know you. You’re not that cruel.”

She sat in the open window sill, letting one leg dangle outside over the quiet street below. The cold air blew inside, but neither Canadian seemed to notice.

“It was the only way I could think of to keep him safe.” Evelyn said, her voice as thin as ice. “He didn’t believe me about Lestrange, he didn’t think Lestrange might go after him.”

“And ending it helps how?”

“Hopefully, Lestrange will think I don’t care about him, and come after me directly. And I’ll be ready.” She dragged on the cigarette. “I know Sarge says we have to toe the line, Department of Magical Law Enforcement has been keeping a close eye on all of us. But I swear to God, Trip, I’ll murder him if I have to. If that’s the only way to end this, I’ll do it.”

Trip didn’t doubt that for a second. He stood and joined her at the window, pulling out his own pack of cigarettes. He smiled as she lit it off her wand for him.

“You don’t even know for sure if Lestrange would go after him. He’s in Romania, afterall.”

“If I wanted revenge, that’s what I would do.”

“It doesn’t have to be like this.” Trip told her softly. “You don’t have to be like this, Evs. It’s not just your fight.”

For a second, Evelyn looked like she would fall apart. She looked so terribly sad and alone. There was a crack in her facade that showed a very raw heart underneath.

But then she was angry. How dare he try to break her?

“You think I want to be like this?” Evelyn demanded. “Maybe I wanted to be brave and strong when I was eighteen but I’m tired, Trip. I’m so damn tired.”

“Then stop fighting.” He said, trying not to raise his voice in frustration at her as she calmly ground out her cigarette. “Call it quits. Disappear to Romania with Charlie.”

“How can I? I’ll just be looking over my shoulder the entire time until he finally finds us! All the things I want, I can’t have until I know that the world is safe. That the war is finally over.”

“Well, what the hell do you want, Evelyn? Because right now, it seems like you just want to march into battle to be killed.”

“I want a life!” She was standing and shouting now, the anger coming on in a flash. And he had really done it, she was livid. “I want to sleep at night! I want kids - did I ever tell you that? I want kids and I want to stop working so I can be at home with them. Because my mother never did that for me. I want someone to hold me at night and swear they’ll never let go! I want to move on from the war, Trip. More than anything, I want to move on. But I can’t do that while Lestrange is still out there!”

Trip watched her take deep breaths as she calmed down. “Evs - “ he started softly.

“So you’re right, Trip.” she said bitterly. “I’ll end this, or I’ll die trying. But I’ll be damned if I let Charlie get hurt in the process.”

~*~

Evelyn, Ian and Trip had managed to trace Lestrange’s movements around the globe and back, but they couldn’t find him in the present. They scoured homeless camps, dark alleys, and his old favorite haunts. They organized raids on all former Death Eater’s homes.

He was no where.

Evelyn was short tempered and anxious. Every night she had to stop herself from writing to Charlie to make sure he was okay. She wrote her brother constantly instead, begging him to check on Dad (he wouldn’t) and Mom (he might). George constantly reassured her that his own family was alright. None of that helped her sleep.

So most nights she sat halfway out the window and smoked and drank. Vikram loved the resurgence in business from her.

But inspite of everything, it all crashed down. December 12th.

It was pretty late when there was a knock on the door. Evelyn sighed and set a bowl of soup on the floor for Sherlock and swung the door open to reveal a very nervous looking Molly.

“Molly.” Evelyn said, surprised. “Hi.”

“Hello, Evelyn.” Molly said, peering past her. “You, erm, haven’t seen Charlie, have you?”

Evelyn furrowed her brow. “No. Why?”

“Oh, don’t worry about it.” Molly’s voice was high pitched. “I’m sure it’s fine.”

Evelyn pulled the practically vibrating older woman into the apartment. Sherlock looked up from his soup as Evelyn gently put her in the couch and crouched down in front of her.

“Take a few breaths.” Evelyn soothed. “And tell me what’s going on.”

“I was in the sitting room. Working on Christmas sweaters.” Molly said, taking a deep breath. “And I happened to glance at the clock. And Charlie’s hand...it was on Mortal Peril.” Molly let out a tiny sob. “Just like the war.”

Evelyn was frozen.

“I got in touch with his work and they said he wasn’t in. His friend Nate said he wasn’t at his house. I’ve been looking everywhere and I can’t find him. And the clock’s never wrong and I’m just so...worried.”

Evelyn stood and walked to the window, looking down at the street.

“I just don’t know what to do.” Molly moaned. “I thought he might be here. I thought maybe you two had gotten back together and then he went somewhere and got hurt but...I’m out of ideas.”

Evelyn turned back around and pulled Molly back up off the couch. “Alright, Molly, I’m going to go get Charlie.”

She sniffled. “You know where he is?”

Evelyn hesitated. “No. But I have a few ideas. Now, I need you to take Sherlock, and go the auror offices. Find Ian Forest, and tell him what’s going on. He’ll know what to do.”

“But where are you going?”

“I’m not sure yet. But I know Ian will find me.”

Evelyn walked over to Sherlock and squatted in front of him, scratching behind his ears.

“I’m sorry, buddy. But you can’t come with me for this one.” She said softly.

He whimpered and leaned forward to lick her face.

“I know. But when Ian sees you, he’ll know I need him to give me some time before coming to find me.” Evelyn kissed him lightly on the snout. “I promise I’ll be back as soon as I can.”

She stood and nodded to Molly. “Alright, go.”

Molly was staring at Evelyn like she had never seen her before. “Honey, are you - “

“Molly, I’ll get him back for you.” Evelyn said. “Go.”

Molly took one last look at Evelyn, and left the flat, the labrador hot on her heels. Evelyn stood in the middle of her apartment, staring at her medal of honor.

“Facillius decendous averno.” She whispered.

And she walked out the door.

Molly quickly apparated to the auror offices, tightly clutching Sherlock’s collar. She waded through the empty desk, passing Harry without seeing him. Ian was sitting at his own desk in the back corner, talking to a blonde man sitting in the chair next to his desk. Ian looked up and saw her walking towards him, and immediately got out of his seat.

“Molly, you’re white as a sheet. Sit down.”

Shaking slightly, she sat.

“I don’t know if you’ve ever met Trip.”

But Trip wasn’t paying attention, he was looking at Sherlock, sitting patiently next to the desk.

“Why’s Sherlock here?”

Ian’s heart lept into his throat. Sherlock with no Evelyn could only mean one thing.

“She’s gone after him, hasn’t she?” Ian asked softly.

Molly rocked back and forth. “Charlie’s gone.” She whispered.

Ian turned to Trip. “Get Potter, don’t tell anyone else. Not until we know what’s going on. If Magical Law gets ahold of her first, she’s finished. Molly, tell me exactly everything she said.”

Molly opened and closed her mouth.

Ian sighed and sat in Trip’s vacated chair to look her in the eyes. “Molly. It’s very important that I know everything that happened. Did Evelyn say where she was going?”

“No. She just said she was going to get Charlie back.”

“Charlie’s missing?” Harry asked, appearing next to Ian.

“I noticed his watch hand was on Mortal Peril. I looked everywhere and finally I went to Evelyn’s and...she just seemed to know. She asked me to find you and take Sherlock.”

Ian looked up at Harry and Trip. “You two need to go straight to Vikram. Evelyn probably has some sort of idea where Lestrange is and probably has already asked Vikram about any new activity there. She’s probably already gone, but at least Vikram can tell us where she’s heading.”

The two nodded and walked away. Molly hiccuped and watched Ian conjure a glass of water.

“How did you know?” She asked. “That Evelyn was gone?”

He nodded at the dog, still sitting there. “She’d never leave Sherlock unless she wasn’t sure if she could protect him or not.”

“Will she be okay?”

Ian sighed. “Molly, I can promise that you will have Charlie back. Evelyn is an army of one, and she will make sure he’s safe. As for Evelyn...I don’t know.”

He couldn’t bear to tell her, to say the words aloud. That Evelyn was most likely prepared to die.