Heaven and Hell
one
I looked around me seeing all these things above me. All these things I can't do without her. "What's the matter" I spun around to see my best friend look at me dead in the face, knowing my face the answer was already there. " I can't do it without her" I spoke softly. Knowing there was not much I could do, but the pain was real. It felt real, my wife gone and there was nothing I can do about it. "You know she wouldn't want anything different from you bimbo" he responded. And with all my heart I thought he was right, how can she not want me to continue..
I slowly nodded my head at my friend and turned to see the huge bat behind me, she always loved that, it's wings it's movement or more importantly how much I hated how hot it made me since it blew smoke almost right above me. I sure do miss having my buddy by my side, sure we are married but things aren't the same, she'd always make sure I was ok, having a ball. I walked myself out on the stage as did everyone else, Here we are, another show. I was having the hardest time I for some reason always did, I took a seat at my kit, above me I saw that bat and it made me cringe in pain, it felt real, hell I think it is real. There is not enough vodka in the world to heal this all up. I miss my wife. I looked all around me, there was no wife, there was every other women here, crew the berries, fucking everyone else's mate but me.
I couldn't help but feel angry, betrayed, while I am sitting here doing all this, watching people piratically throw themselves at us where was she, sitting someplace or in some grass, doing what? was she safe? who really knows. I began to play with the hum of My buddy's voice, Shit she would love this. Love every fucking second of this. But no, there always has to be something happening when neither one of us were in control. That's the life we chose, Mine came natural but hers, as if. I could never see you loving something someone gave you a choice at, Jail or this. Maybe Jail would be better, at least in Jail you are over and done with, but for some reason she did not see that as an option. This would be the way it has to be for the next 20 years, and it has already been 7. 13 more, who could endure all that? Not me for sure, but who am I to tell her no, Look what I do for a living, I have it easy, all I do is sit at a drum set and hit shit, I get paid a ton of money and half the time I have to talk about whatever Larry told me to say or something Matt told me, I feel like a broken record. When did this stop becoming fun? when did I begin to hate my job. 15 years is a lot of time, ok maybe it's been 10, but I have known these men for so long I have wondered when I do not have to see them anymore, when I can be done and over with. I guess I began to play to a different tune because I caught the guys looking at me like what the hell is wrong with you. I get lost in my thoughts half the time so I do not have to think about the task at hand, so I can forget, so I can keep seeing her face in my head, oh god her face, I miss that fucking face next to me all the time now. I think It is the only thing I need in the world to keep me going forever on end. I got myself back in rhythm for the second song. I was so bored at what I was doing, It was never fun anymore. I hated it, I hated being here on these stages watching the women throw themselves at us, I hated playing the same things over and over again, It made me sick. I knew the songs like the back of my hand, in the light I saw my band shine as my hand came down hitting yet another note.
It brought me back to my wedding, maybe I am thinking of the second one, the first one, let's not even talk about it. I remember her, in that short pale pinkish whatever you call it dress, she always kept her hair short she wore no shoes while she walked toward me, god I felt like a million bucks. I felt a smile creep on my face and I noticed a head nod from Brian, if only he knew I was thinking about my wife not this music we played.....But I would not help myself, I needed to escape from here, and not having my wife by my side was pure hell, she made everything worth it, she did it all and was a superhero, she kept me alive.
And I knew that was no joke. The guys had not idea what the hell went on in my mind each time I sat down to play. Believe me I did not ever expect myself to think this would be me, not loving the music. I did at one point and I cannot for the life of me know where I lost it. Maybe when she left I lost it, But to be honest I didn't like it before then. If I could only hear her voice I know I would be able to last, but the bitch about this Is I do not know shit, I will never know shit because that's the way her job is. My wife did not leave me, let's get that out of the way right now. I can''t even tell you her job, that's how bad it is, one day she can be here and the next she will be telling me they are sending her god knows where. She cannot get out of the work, not for the next 13 years. Each time a pain shots itself through my heart as she leaves and I do not know when I cans see her again... each time it's becoming harder and harder so hide how I feel. Noting is the same without her.
Everything seems to move in slow motion, the tours get longer, the shot glasses seem shorter, I seem to be a zombie day in and day out without her, no phone calls no nothing. None of the guys understand what I am going through when she goes since they all have their women back home or on the side or something watching then, while my wife is god knows where and I cannot be at her side to keep her safe, somehow it's the other way around. It's a fucked up world we live in and sometimes I cannot seem to last one more day.
As the show ends I can see everyone beginning to exit, I throw what's in my hands to the crowd and they scream and my ears feel as if they should be ripped from me. I manage a smile and walk off, all I want to do is hide. I can hear the guys hollering how great the show went, yeah some show, some stupid thing we do every day just about. I checked my phone as I see her face on my screen, those beautiful hazel eyes, oh how I wish they where staring back at me. Nothing, not like I expected anything, but it has been three weeks. I am in agony. I looked over my shoulder to see JC looking at me like I am from another planet
"what"
I mutter, not really in the mood for much conversing.
"Just wanted to see if you where ok man, seemed lost out there tonight' Is this really different then any other night . How can they not see this... it's like they are all blind by some invisible cloak, some harry potter shit. I shook my head no and punched his shoulder lightly.
'All good Johnny boy"
I let out a fake smile, he seemed to relax seeing me act in high spirits. It was amazing they couldn't see it. I haven't even told my wife, fuck I didn't even get the chance to... thanks. I can't even say why I can't even say anything and I feel I am locked in a cage and she has the key. I am let out when she is around, but when she isn't I am locked up again, trapped wondering when she will let me come out, only she knows I cannot make it on my own and I know she can see the pain in my eyes. She is my only escape, she is the reason I am here, and I say it over and over because I would have no other reason for moving If I did not have her. Fuck am I lucky she left her fiancee and came back. Although she would have had it much better, but we where "High school sweethearts" gay as fuck. My wife did not even go to Huntington high. I don't remember how we all became friends, but the moment I saw her that was it... I had to have her.
We met at the age of 17 and we stayed together for 10 years, two peas in a pod but Like I always do I fucked that one up. For years I began searching for a new light something to keep me going, something to keep me breathing... But nothing came. Then one day I found Leanna and damn was she hot, she was not my wife, she was not nothing, she was always a good fuck, always when I needed it. But my hunger was never satisfied I somehow wound up marrying Leanna, I think she talked me into it once we hit it big. Man was that a mistake, not hitting it big but marrying Leanna, the bitch was money hungry, she did nothing for me and a few times I caught her cheating on me, calming it was for another movie.... yes Leanna was into porn.. took her work home with her half the time and as I got drunk on the couch I could hear the moans while I was dreaming about my wife.
when I was with her and it set my heart on fire. Somehow after three years I got her to move out and had her sign the divorce papers, what a time to be alive! that was 2005. Now fast forward two years, that all it took, god I can remember the look on her face that December evening in 2005 when I saw her in Colorado with her new fiancee, the dj from slipknot. She loved music and was by no means a groupie whore, but she knew those guys much longer and they where her family when her real family abandoned her. I will never forget the look on her face, pure gold, it still makes me chuckle,I knew she saw me and knew who I was, I mean how could you not I am 6 foot 4 with wild spiked hair, I can be spot in a crowd a million miles away... or so it felt like it.
Her face it up when she saw me, but then she turned from me not wanting him to see, but I saw him, eyeing the other skimpy thing from across the room and the blood i had boiled with rage, how could he do that to her, and how could she not notice. Maybe she did, and I found out later she did know and I felt like shit for not punching him there that night. A few months have passed and I saw her again In California with him again, I assumed they would be married by now and I began to sink but to my surprise she didn't get married! she looked at me again, shock and joy in her eyes. I had to walk over to her, and I did just that, she spoke my name with amazement, neither one of us thought we would be seeing one another again. But fuck here we are, I kissed her with all I had, nothing to hold me back and I was used to getting all sorts of women. I pulled away quickly, oh shit he spotted us. I let out a smirk and walked away from her, I could read it in his face he was angry but why? he was playing with the other women and I am not allowed to kiss the love of my life? well I'll be dammed.
I can't say I remember the rest of that night, I was at the bar with Brian when I was somehow spilling my guts about her, and god I must have been whipped, fuck Brian knew all too well. Another week passed and There she was again, standing with val, god my heart couldn't stop beating I thought I was going to die right there, or shit myself, whatever came first.
"I left him" was all she said to send me into overdrive.
No way in all fuck did she say she left him. I saw her left hand, no ring, oh my fucking god. I went up to her kissing her with all my might, she accepted at ease. since 2005 I been with my wife, we got married the next week, nope I am not kidding she insisted in Vegas with some Elvis impersonator, two of her favorite things, Vegas and Elvis impersonators. I promised her a real wedding and a real wedding she got, a small simple one, when she wore that pinkish dress I was swept off my feat and was in amazement she was mine at last. We spent our honeymoon going over what happened between 18 and 30 years of life. But one thing was certain I loved her and she loved me, the hunger in me finally became at a halt when she was with me, the sex, shit I don't know what to tell you, but it was more then I needed but still I begged for more. She kept me going and that was all I needed in life.
The joy was brought back to my eyes and She kept me in line. But as soon as she left I was hopeless babbling fool. God I needed her, I couldn't just pretend anymore and we talked about this, she was the only one I was able to open up to, share whatever was on my mind and she accepted it, swallowed it with no emotion and said ok, what else? I need my wife, I will do everything In my power to get her back by my side, I need her here before the light goes out and she can no longer turn it back on... and I am afraid that light is beginning to fade.
I slowly nodded my head at my friend and turned to see the huge bat behind me, she always loved that, it's wings it's movement or more importantly how much I hated how hot it made me since it blew smoke almost right above me. I sure do miss having my buddy by my side, sure we are married but things aren't the same, she'd always make sure I was ok, having a ball. I walked myself out on the stage as did everyone else, Here we are, another show. I was having the hardest time I for some reason always did, I took a seat at my kit, above me I saw that bat and it made me cringe in pain, it felt real, hell I think it is real. There is not enough vodka in the world to heal this all up. I miss my wife. I looked all around me, there was no wife, there was every other women here, crew the berries, fucking everyone else's mate but me.
I couldn't help but feel angry, betrayed, while I am sitting here doing all this, watching people piratically throw themselves at us where was she, sitting someplace or in some grass, doing what? was she safe? who really knows. I began to play with the hum of My buddy's voice, Shit she would love this. Love every fucking second of this. But no, there always has to be something happening when neither one of us were in control. That's the life we chose, Mine came natural but hers, as if. I could never see you loving something someone gave you a choice at, Jail or this. Maybe Jail would be better, at least in Jail you are over and done with, but for some reason she did not see that as an option. This would be the way it has to be for the next 20 years, and it has already been 7. 13 more, who could endure all that? Not me for sure, but who am I to tell her no, Look what I do for a living, I have it easy, all I do is sit at a drum set and hit shit, I get paid a ton of money and half the time I have to talk about whatever Larry told me to say or something Matt told me, I feel like a broken record. When did this stop becoming fun? when did I begin to hate my job. 15 years is a lot of time, ok maybe it's been 10, but I have known these men for so long I have wondered when I do not have to see them anymore, when I can be done and over with. I guess I began to play to a different tune because I caught the guys looking at me like what the hell is wrong with you. I get lost in my thoughts half the time so I do not have to think about the task at hand, so I can forget, so I can keep seeing her face in my head, oh god her face, I miss that fucking face next to me all the time now. I think It is the only thing I need in the world to keep me going forever on end. I got myself back in rhythm for the second song. I was so bored at what I was doing, It was never fun anymore. I hated it, I hated being here on these stages watching the women throw themselves at us, I hated playing the same things over and over again, It made me sick. I knew the songs like the back of my hand, in the light I saw my band shine as my hand came down hitting yet another note.
It brought me back to my wedding, maybe I am thinking of the second one, the first one, let's not even talk about it. I remember her, in that short pale pinkish whatever you call it dress, she always kept her hair short she wore no shoes while she walked toward me, god I felt like a million bucks. I felt a smile creep on my face and I noticed a head nod from Brian, if only he knew I was thinking about my wife not this music we played.....But I would not help myself, I needed to escape from here, and not having my wife by my side was pure hell, she made everything worth it, she did it all and was a superhero, she kept me alive.
And I knew that was no joke. The guys had not idea what the hell went on in my mind each time I sat down to play. Believe me I did not ever expect myself to think this would be me, not loving the music. I did at one point and I cannot for the life of me know where I lost it. Maybe when she left I lost it, But to be honest I didn't like it before then. If I could only hear her voice I know I would be able to last, but the bitch about this Is I do not know shit, I will never know shit because that's the way her job is. My wife did not leave me, let's get that out of the way right now. I can''t even tell you her job, that's how bad it is, one day she can be here and the next she will be telling me they are sending her god knows where. She cannot get out of the work, not for the next 13 years. Each time a pain shots itself through my heart as she leaves and I do not know when I cans see her again... each time it's becoming harder and harder so hide how I feel. Noting is the same without her.
Everything seems to move in slow motion, the tours get longer, the shot glasses seem shorter, I seem to be a zombie day in and day out without her, no phone calls no nothing. None of the guys understand what I am going through when she goes since they all have their women back home or on the side or something watching then, while my wife is god knows where and I cannot be at her side to keep her safe, somehow it's the other way around. It's a fucked up world we live in and sometimes I cannot seem to last one more day.
As the show ends I can see everyone beginning to exit, I throw what's in my hands to the crowd and they scream and my ears feel as if they should be ripped from me. I manage a smile and walk off, all I want to do is hide. I can hear the guys hollering how great the show went, yeah some show, some stupid thing we do every day just about. I checked my phone as I see her face on my screen, those beautiful hazel eyes, oh how I wish they where staring back at me. Nothing, not like I expected anything, but it has been three weeks. I am in agony. I looked over my shoulder to see JC looking at me like I am from another planet
"what"
I mutter, not really in the mood for much conversing.
"Just wanted to see if you where ok man, seemed lost out there tonight' Is this really different then any other night . How can they not see this... it's like they are all blind by some invisible cloak, some harry potter shit. I shook my head no and punched his shoulder lightly.
'All good Johnny boy"
I let out a fake smile, he seemed to relax seeing me act in high spirits. It was amazing they couldn't see it. I haven't even told my wife, fuck I didn't even get the chance to... thanks. I can't even say why I can't even say anything and I feel I am locked in a cage and she has the key. I am let out when she is around, but when she isn't I am locked up again, trapped wondering when she will let me come out, only she knows I cannot make it on my own and I know she can see the pain in my eyes. She is my only escape, she is the reason I am here, and I say it over and over because I would have no other reason for moving If I did not have her. Fuck am I lucky she left her fiancee and came back. Although she would have had it much better, but we where "High school sweethearts" gay as fuck. My wife did not even go to Huntington high. I don't remember how we all became friends, but the moment I saw her that was it... I had to have her.
We met at the age of 17 and we stayed together for 10 years, two peas in a pod but Like I always do I fucked that one up. For years I began searching for a new light something to keep me going, something to keep me breathing... But nothing came. Then one day I found Leanna and damn was she hot, she was not my wife, she was not nothing, she was always a good fuck, always when I needed it. But my hunger was never satisfied I somehow wound up marrying Leanna, I think she talked me into it once we hit it big. Man was that a mistake, not hitting it big but marrying Leanna, the bitch was money hungry, she did nothing for me and a few times I caught her cheating on me, calming it was for another movie.... yes Leanna was into porn.. took her work home with her half the time and as I got drunk on the couch I could hear the moans while I was dreaming about my wife.
when I was with her and it set my heart on fire. Somehow after three years I got her to move out and had her sign the divorce papers, what a time to be alive! that was 2005. Now fast forward two years, that all it took, god I can remember the look on her face that December evening in 2005 when I saw her in Colorado with her new fiancee, the dj from slipknot. She loved music and was by no means a groupie whore, but she knew those guys much longer and they where her family when her real family abandoned her. I will never forget the look on her face, pure gold, it still makes me chuckle,I knew she saw me and knew who I was, I mean how could you not I am 6 foot 4 with wild spiked hair, I can be spot in a crowd a million miles away... or so it felt like it.
Her face it up when she saw me, but then she turned from me not wanting him to see, but I saw him, eyeing the other skimpy thing from across the room and the blood i had boiled with rage, how could he do that to her, and how could she not notice. Maybe she did, and I found out later she did know and I felt like shit for not punching him there that night. A few months have passed and I saw her again In California with him again, I assumed they would be married by now and I began to sink but to my surprise she didn't get married! she looked at me again, shock and joy in her eyes. I had to walk over to her, and I did just that, she spoke my name with amazement, neither one of us thought we would be seeing one another again. But fuck here we are, I kissed her with all I had, nothing to hold me back and I was used to getting all sorts of women. I pulled away quickly, oh shit he spotted us. I let out a smirk and walked away from her, I could read it in his face he was angry but why? he was playing with the other women and I am not allowed to kiss the love of my life? well I'll be dammed.
I can't say I remember the rest of that night, I was at the bar with Brian when I was somehow spilling my guts about her, and god I must have been whipped, fuck Brian knew all too well. Another week passed and There she was again, standing with val, god my heart couldn't stop beating I thought I was going to die right there, or shit myself, whatever came first.
"I left him" was all she said to send me into overdrive.
No way in all fuck did she say she left him. I saw her left hand, no ring, oh my fucking god. I went up to her kissing her with all my might, she accepted at ease. since 2005 I been with my wife, we got married the next week, nope I am not kidding she insisted in Vegas with some Elvis impersonator, two of her favorite things, Vegas and Elvis impersonators. I promised her a real wedding and a real wedding she got, a small simple one, when she wore that pinkish dress I was swept off my feat and was in amazement she was mine at last. We spent our honeymoon going over what happened between 18 and 30 years of life. But one thing was certain I loved her and she loved me, the hunger in me finally became at a halt when she was with me, the sex, shit I don't know what to tell you, but it was more then I needed but still I begged for more. She kept me going and that was all I needed in life.
The joy was brought back to my eyes and She kept me in line. But as soon as she left I was hopeless babbling fool. God I needed her, I couldn't just pretend anymore and we talked about this, she was the only one I was able to open up to, share whatever was on my mind and she accepted it, swallowed it with no emotion and said ok, what else? I need my wife, I will do everything In my power to get her back by my side, I need her here before the light goes out and she can no longer turn it back on... and I am afraid that light is beginning to fade.