Heaven and Hell
Two
I stood looking out into the country side of a mountain for what seemed like Eternity. It was so peaceful out here, I could not take my mind away from my own thoughts. I could not believe I was back here, doing what I never did would be possible. Walking around all high and mighty wasn't really my thing, I mean sure it's my job but I didn't want this... Half the time I think jail would have been better. It had to be Better then this shit. Fuck anything was better then here but please don't get me wrong I love my job, I do, but Being taken away from home or what my idea of a home is may not be the best thing.
Being gone was something I was used too, things just wherent the same when I was home, I didn't feel like a civilian, I didn't feel like I belonged much of anywhere. Half the time staring out of these things I thought of my husband, I hope he was doing alright while I was away, and every time I apologize so frequent because it's my job I feel he doesn't understand the pain I have too for leaving him to fight his battles all by himself.. I don't know how much longer he can do it alone. I know all about his sadness and I know the "light" goes out when I am not around. It's so hard leaving and not even being able to tell people what I do, because half the time I have to be brave and stand up and do things maybe I shouldn't be doing. I'm talking in shambles because I can't tell you the full nature of what my job is. I can't even tell you where I am.. But I will tell you I'm not in California. I miss the sun I miss the art scene and always I miss my husband. I'm sure you've seen my husband a few times, the drummer of avenged sevenfold? The rev? Ringing any bells, I'd like to think so.
I miss those crystal blue eyes and that voice something I don't hear in other men, it's so different soothing in a way. Jimmy always calls me his rock because in a way I am. We've molded and confirmed to things I didn't think we would have to. Having to jump through hoops of all sorts and things that where said I didn't know would be, although I knew the words wouldn't be something I wanted to hear, I was the only one he would confide in, not even Brian, or Matt. Grade school buddies and of all people me, the one who walked away from a 10 year thing something bigger then us both because I went to work and he to tour, I in a way grew up and when I came home he was the same 18 year old kid in a 25 year old a body and Don't get me wrong I loved it but at 27 almost 28 and being where I was 18 wouldn't cut it anymore.
But I knew I was making the biggest mistake in my life and I won't ever forget his eyes when I walked away. The thought still shakes me. Years have passed and I went back to work, he found someone else and so did I. But I knew I didn't really have the same attachment you know when you found the one and you just know and it's all crystal clear? That was jimmy. I can't really say the real reason I left but it was for the most part Stupid and I knew he knew that too, there was no denying it. But my engagement to someone else did not last another second when I saw him again, those eyes, I could melt every time when he blinks, they are this perfect blue I think you'd just have to see to understand what I am taking about then again I'm sure you can google him.
He looked at me that night in 2005 and dear god every emotion came running back to me, if I could I would have ran across that room and clung to him for dear life. Did I forget to mention I knew my then to be husband was cheating on me? Jimmy told me this but he didn't know I knew way ahead of him, half the time I didn't know why I was staying, sure there was things in common, hobbies, fun times but it wasn't the same, the fire wasn't there the passion wasn't there. I felt empty and inside was cold, no fire no hunger no nothing and if sucked. I saw him a few weeks after and he couldn't be shakes from my mind. Thank god I didn't have to go to work then because I don't want to know... I finally made up my mind, dropped my beautiful 2 carat ring on the nightstand and left for California. I knew I wasn't going back I knew I was making the right choice.
Pretty much the rest is history. My job is so demanding that I know it kills him, it kills me too, in away for a year at a time never knowing when my 20 days will turn into 30 or 60... We have been having some hard time keeping his sadness under wraps... I feel in the only thing he has to keep going and if I keep leaving for work I don't know how much time I will have left with him, how much more he can endure before the pain traps him. I'm his key master I know the game too well and so does he and I know now while in away he's longing for me to come back, to free him so he can be happy. But I can't be split I can't do my job and worry that everything is coming apart at the seems back home. I worry about him and I worry about how this is effecting him and I know I can't keep signing contracts And legally he could come with me... But will it be enough? If I ever thought for one second that would he what he needed I can't begin to even think of the consequences there would be. No tour no signings no music just us, and how would the band handle it? How would he? I left 3 months ago for work and I'm dying to come back home, but where I am... There's nothing here but craters in the dirt and I feel like I'm in the moon or something because this isn't close to home. It hell. I'm in hell and I hate every part of being away, missing my husband missing the beach the sun, the warmth... God I miss drawing.
I looked behind me and back at the outside there all of a sudden came a ring in my ears the whole world seemed to stop right at this second because whatever is happening I think I'm floating. I don't know what's happening to me or where I am going but somethings going wrong.
Somethings gone Terribly wrong
Being gone was something I was used too, things just wherent the same when I was home, I didn't feel like a civilian, I didn't feel like I belonged much of anywhere. Half the time staring out of these things I thought of my husband, I hope he was doing alright while I was away, and every time I apologize so frequent because it's my job I feel he doesn't understand the pain I have too for leaving him to fight his battles all by himself.. I don't know how much longer he can do it alone. I know all about his sadness and I know the "light" goes out when I am not around. It's so hard leaving and not even being able to tell people what I do, because half the time I have to be brave and stand up and do things maybe I shouldn't be doing. I'm talking in shambles because I can't tell you the full nature of what my job is. I can't even tell you where I am.. But I will tell you I'm not in California. I miss the sun I miss the art scene and always I miss my husband. I'm sure you've seen my husband a few times, the drummer of avenged sevenfold? The rev? Ringing any bells, I'd like to think so.
I miss those crystal blue eyes and that voice something I don't hear in other men, it's so different soothing in a way. Jimmy always calls me his rock because in a way I am. We've molded and confirmed to things I didn't think we would have to. Having to jump through hoops of all sorts and things that where said I didn't know would be, although I knew the words wouldn't be something I wanted to hear, I was the only one he would confide in, not even Brian, or Matt. Grade school buddies and of all people me, the one who walked away from a 10 year thing something bigger then us both because I went to work and he to tour, I in a way grew up and when I came home he was the same 18 year old kid in a 25 year old a body and Don't get me wrong I loved it but at 27 almost 28 and being where I was 18 wouldn't cut it anymore.
But I knew I was making the biggest mistake in my life and I won't ever forget his eyes when I walked away. The thought still shakes me. Years have passed and I went back to work, he found someone else and so did I. But I knew I didn't really have the same attachment you know when you found the one and you just know and it's all crystal clear? That was jimmy. I can't really say the real reason I left but it was for the most part Stupid and I knew he knew that too, there was no denying it. But my engagement to someone else did not last another second when I saw him again, those eyes, I could melt every time when he blinks, they are this perfect blue I think you'd just have to see to understand what I am taking about then again I'm sure you can google him.
He looked at me that night in 2005 and dear god every emotion came running back to me, if I could I would have ran across that room and clung to him for dear life. Did I forget to mention I knew my then to be husband was cheating on me? Jimmy told me this but he didn't know I knew way ahead of him, half the time I didn't know why I was staying, sure there was things in common, hobbies, fun times but it wasn't the same, the fire wasn't there the passion wasn't there. I felt empty and inside was cold, no fire no hunger no nothing and if sucked. I saw him a few weeks after and he couldn't be shakes from my mind. Thank god I didn't have to go to work then because I don't want to know... I finally made up my mind, dropped my beautiful 2 carat ring on the nightstand and left for California. I knew I wasn't going back I knew I was making the right choice.
Pretty much the rest is history. My job is so demanding that I know it kills him, it kills me too, in away for a year at a time never knowing when my 20 days will turn into 30 or 60... We have been having some hard time keeping his sadness under wraps... I feel in the only thing he has to keep going and if I keep leaving for work I don't know how much time I will have left with him, how much more he can endure before the pain traps him. I'm his key master I know the game too well and so does he and I know now while in away he's longing for me to come back, to free him so he can be happy. But I can't be split I can't do my job and worry that everything is coming apart at the seems back home. I worry about him and I worry about how this is effecting him and I know I can't keep signing contracts And legally he could come with me... But will it be enough? If I ever thought for one second that would he what he needed I can't begin to even think of the consequences there would be. No tour no signings no music just us, and how would the band handle it? How would he? I left 3 months ago for work and I'm dying to come back home, but where I am... There's nothing here but craters in the dirt and I feel like I'm in the moon or something because this isn't close to home. It hell. I'm in hell and I hate every part of being away, missing my husband missing the beach the sun, the warmth... God I miss drawing.
I looked behind me and back at the outside there all of a sudden came a ring in my ears the whole world seemed to stop right at this second because whatever is happening I think I'm floating. I don't know what's happening to me or where I am going but somethings going wrong.
Somethings gone Terribly wrong