Going Under

"Aren't you gonna sleep next to me?" Jess pouted as I dressed her in her pjs and tucked her to the bed, which was belong to me before I left the house. It's kind of my parents that they didn't touch anything in my old room. Everything is the same as I left.

"I am sweetie. But it's early."
"Then why should I sleep?" She knitted her brows, making her face even cuter. I kissed her cheek before tucking her blonde hair behind her ear.

"Because it's sleeping time for you."
"But you said it was early!"
"Yes, it is. It's early for me. Not for you."
"And why is that?"

I checked my iPhone when it vibrated with a message. It was Josh, trying to convince me to send a picture in my wedding dress. I rolled my eyes.

"Because" I started as I texted back to Josh. "I am 26 and you're only 4. When you get to my age, you can sleep whenever you want, too."

"That's so not fair."
"Sorry 'bout that buddy." I kissed her forehead. "Plus, it's not just you who's sleeping early. Your aunts and uncle are already in their bed sleeping. Do you know why?"
"Nope. Why?"
I leaned closer to her and whispered like I was giving her a secret. "So that they can wake up earlier and watch all the cool cartoons while everyone's asleep."
"Really?"
"Uh huh."
"Okay, then I'll sleep but only in one condition!"
"Jess-"
"You're gonna read me a bedtime story tomorrow night!"
"Alright." I kissed her one more time. "Goodnight, baby. I love you."

I walked through the door when Jess called again. "Mommy!"
"What's it again, Jess?"
"Mr. Snuggles." She pointed out the teddy bear on the other side of the room. I made my way to the toy to pick it up and gave it to my daughter.
"There you go. Sweet dreams."

She was already passing out when I left the room. I closed the door as slowly as I can when I jumped with another vibration. It was surely Josh. Sometimes he makes me so crazy that... That... Okay, fine. I like it when he drives me mad. I don't know why but it's kinda turning on. I mean whenever he does that, all I want is to kiss him nonstop. That's why I texted him back that I was going to sleep. I made my way to downstairs to the backyard.

There was already hundreds of chairs and stuff. I must confess, my dad really knew how to spoil me. Even now I knew this wedding would be beyond my dreams. I say would, cause I have not got even a single idea about how it will be. My parents planned everything and I'm supposed to know nothing but that my grandpa's gonna perform the ceremony.

"Ames? What are you doing here?" My mom opened the sliding door to the backyard.
"Just thinking..." I sighed. "Okay, I give up. I must confess that I... I am kinda nervous and scared."
My mom smiled. "I already know that. On our wedding day, I even thought about running away."
My eyes widened with that unexpected information. "You what?"
She just shrugged. "I was too scared. All that eyes on me... I guess you're luckier. I mean, you already have millions of fans' eyes on you, you experienced that feeling."
I smiled. "Yup. Advantages of being a rockstar. I gotta thank you, mom. If you didn't force me to see a therapist-"
"Hush now. It was not my idea. Before you two were together, one day Josh visited us and told me that he couldn't reach your phone and explained his feelings about you. That's why I told you to see a therapist."

Alright. Tonight was definitely not my night. "He did what?! Oh my gosh he's so dead!"
My mother burst out laughing. "If I were you, I wouldn't kill him. Unless you want to marry a dead man."

It was my turn to laugh. "You know what? You didn't really need to force me to see a therapist, because after a week we talked about that, Josh found my phone -well now I know it was you who gave him my number- and he told me that he was in town and he invited me to a party and then later that night we..."

I suddenly realized I was talking to my mom and I shut my mouth up. When I turned my left I saw her standing there, arms crossed and brows up.

"... Later that night you..?"
"Got something to drink! I gotta go, I promised Jess that I'd come back in a little!" I kissed mom's cheek. "See you! Love you!"

I ran back into the house and to my old room. I opened the door a little louder than I expected.

"Mommy?" My daughter's sleepy voice welcomed me and my tomato red cheeks. Thanks god, lights were off.
"Sorry, baby. Didn't mean to wake you up." I crawled onto bed, next to her. As soon as I got next to her, Jess hugged me and played with my hair.

"I wasn't sleeping, I was thinking."
Now this got my attention. What would a 4 year old girl think in a dark room when she was supposed to be sleeping?
"What were you thinking about, honey?"
"About daddy..."
I immediately tensed out of control. Why? Why him? Why can't she think about pink unicorns, flying kittens or stuff like that?
"Mommy?"
"Yeah?"
"Do you love Josh more than you love daddy?" She looked right into my eyes and that was when I saw her teary ones. My heart broke into pieces literally. I didn't even know how to answer her childishly pure and innocent question.
"Jess..." I hugged her tighter. "I really, really loved your daddy."
"You don't love him anymore? Why?" I took a deep breath. Memories were coming back and I had to fight them.
"Sometimes people change. Your daddy was my first love and I really loved him but... He just changed."
"Why? Why did he change mommy? Didn't he love us?"
"Jess-"
"He didn't want me? Why did he leave us mommy?" She was crying her eyes out and sobbing and all I wanted was to do the same. How I wish to tell her the truth. Tell her that her daddy was a fucking dickhead and he slept with another woman. But of course I wouldn't do that. Not just because she's 4, but I'd never like to see her hating her own father. She needed a dad, a hero and even though Ben wasn't a hero, that didn't mean my daughter wouldn't imagine him like one. I hugged her tighter and let her cry on my chest until she calmed down.

"Your daddy would love you if he met you Jess. It's not your fault that we're not together anymore. Okay?"

She nodded and sobbed one more time.
"Shh..." I kissed her head. "Look at me, Jess. Hey." I lifted her head when she rejected to look at me.
"You're not gonna make yourself this sad again, okay?"
"K..."
I smiled. This child had no idea about how I love her. She'll always have my heart. "Good girl. Now... Any other questions?"
She bit her lip, giving me a sign that this was gonna be a very long night. "Bring it on."