Blush.

I took a deep breath before knocking on what I hoped was the door to I used to live. I knew it was the right house but I didn’t know if they still lived here. I stood there waiting for anyone to answer the door in the freezing cold wind on the porch of my old house. If I remember correctly Mum should be at work at this time and Dad would probably be on a business trip. Or maybe, since it Mikey’s birthday they’ll both be home.

Pfft, yeah right.

I heard voices from the other side of the door and as much as I was dreading this moment I wished that whoever it was would open the damn door; I was freezing. The door swung open, revealing a smiling Mikey whose smile fell right off his face when he caught sight of me.

“Look I’ll leave in a moment, okay?” I said quickly, so he wouldn’t cut me off, “I just dropped round to give you this.”

I held up the wrapped present and looked everywhere but his face. It was only when a second figure appeared next to Mikey that he spoke.

“Alicia, this is Gerard,” he said slowly and when I looked up he was looking right back at me.

“Well, hey there. You’re Mikey’s big brother right?” she asked, smiling at me warmly. I was unnerved by her friendliness but answered her politely.

“Yes. Yes, I am. I just came to give Mikey his present and then I’ll leave,” I said quickly.

Mikey, seeming to hear me for the first time, nodded his head. “Yeah, I think you should go.”

I knew he was going to react like this but no matter how much I don’t want to admit it; that hurt. It cut real deep. I nodded, holding out Mikey’s present. But Mikey took not only the present but my hand too, dragging me inside.

“I thought you said you wanted me to go?” I squeaked, watching Mikey shut the door.

“I did say that. But I don’t think you should go yet. You just need to leave before Mum gets home,” he replied, staring at me. His expression was curious, confused, happy, sad. There were so many emotions evident that I couldn’t even begin to explain his expression.

Truth be told, I was waiting for him to kick me out of the house, call me a traitor and to never come back here again.

“Alicia? Can you go and make some coffee?” Mikey asked softly. I was surprised at Mikey addressing her presence as I had forgotten she was even there. Mikey and I watched as Alicia left the room silently obviously realizing the intense atmosphere.

“Why are you here Gerard?” Mikey questioned, once he was sure she was gone. He stalked past me into the familiar dining room we had used for dinner whenever Dad was home. He took a seat at the expensive table and folded his hands on the table in a business-like manner.

I did the same, but without the folding of my hands, instead I put them in my lap unsure of where else to put them.

“So?” Mikey prompted.

“It’s your birthday,” I mumbled, feeling like a child. It was a foreign feeling as I hadn’t felt like this in years. And Mikey was meant to be the younger one so it was stranger that he was the one causing me to feel like this.

“Didn’t stop you from staying away the last few years though,” he said softly, I could tell it was intended to be hurtful towards me but it just came out as though I had hurt him. Which, in reality, I had done.

“I know, Mikey,” I replied glumly, searching his eyes out behind the glasses he liked so much to wear constantly on the end of his nose.

“Are you even going to apologise?” he cried, business manner gone, he thumped the table with his fists and stood up abruptly, pacing the room. “You come in here after god knows how many years of missed birthdays, Christmas’s, Halloween’s and whatever the hell else holidays and you’re not going to even fucking apologise?”

“What difference would it make Mikey?” I asked sadly. “You and I both know that I can’t just say sorry and it’ll all be better. You’ll still see me the same way you saw me the day I left with Frank.”

“I don’t care!” he screamed, “You should be grovelling! You should be doing something at least. You have no idea how much it hurt to see you leave with him. How betrayed I felt.”

I hung my head in shame, I knew that all this was coming; I’d expected it, of course. But it still hurt, just like everything else did about coming back here.

“I know that you would have felt that way but I had no choice.”

“No choice?” he spat. “How the hell does that make sense? Of course you had a fucking choice Gerard, and you chose to walk out on not only me but everyone else too. You chose that sick, little bastard over me; your little brother.”

“Mikey, I didn’t come here to fight with you. I didn’t come here to make amends. I didn’t come here to ask or beg for yours or anyone else’s forgiveness. I came here because it was your birthday and I thought you would be grown up enough to be able to handle this maturely,” I said calmly.

“Maturely? And how would you classify ‘maturely’ Gerard?”

“Not the way you’ve just acted,” I answered, still calm although inside I was so scared. “Now, do you want me to go or are you going to tell me what’s been going on around here?”

He stared at me a moment, his eyes somewhat shiny in the light.

“Mum and Dad split up,” he whispered, now taking a seat again across from me although he was still shaking from his rant. I nodded, thinking about it, I couldn’t say it surprised me. I mentioned this to Mikey whose lips twitched a little.

“You always said that they wouldn’t make it another year. You were right; they didn’t. When you left everything began falling apart at the edges. Like, the prefect life we had all sewn together was becoming loose and finally the thread just pulled apart,” he whispered, sombrely, “You weren’t there for me, Gerard. You fucking promised you’d be there to comfort me and wipe away my tears and guess what? You weren’t. Just like Mum and Dad weren’t there for me either.”

I could see Mikey’s eyes becoming shinier with every sentence that came out of his mouth. Every word was like a blow to the head and a stab to the heart. And, fuck it hurt like hell.

“Mikey, I wish you’d gotten hold of me,” I said, close to tears although I was hiding it well.

“How could I have? You never told anyone where you went. Just say it, Gerard. Just say sorry. To you it doesn’t make a difference but it’d be nice to hear you say it,” Mikey whispered.

“I’m sorry, Mikey. I really am.”

“For what? Tell me what for?”

“For leaving you alone. For not coming and seeing you earlier. For a lot of things,” I answered, trying to tell him with my eyes just how much I meant it. I had to clench my teeth looking into his eyes; he was now crying. I hadn’t noticed until I had looked at him but sure enough there were tears sliding down his face leaving visible shiny tracks when the lighting was right.

“So you’re not sorry for leaving?”

“No, Mikey, I’m not,” I answered, sadly. I knew it wasn’t what he wanted to hear. He ignored my answer, asking another question.

“Why didn’t you take me with you?”

“You really think you would’ve come with me when I left?” I scoffed.

Mikey frowned, “You have a point there.”

“Exactly, Mikey. If I remember correctly you were the one who was yelling abuse at me the day I left anyway. You wanted me to leave.”

“Not you. Just Frank. I was only angry at you because you were defending him,” he countered.

“Of course I was! You went way over the top. If anything you should’ve have blamed that sorry excuse–”

Mikey cut me off, “Don’t Gerard.”

“Why not?” I asked, loudly, now on the offensive, “Why the fuck not Mikey? Because you know I’m right?”

Mikey and I stared at each other for a moment, daring each other to say something. I’d crossed the line; I was meant to be calm and mature about this, I promised myself I would be. But that was now lost. We must have been silent for a while because Alicia poked her head in the room cautiously and asked if we were done yet.

“No,” Mikey snapped at the same time I said ‘yes’ standing to leave.

“Come and talk this the fuck out, Gerard and stop fucking running away,” Mikey bellowed, watching me walk out of the room. Alicia stood at in the doorway wide eyed and obviously confused.

“Are you leaving, Gerard?” she asked me. I nodded grimly; ignoring Mikey’s ranting that was getting closer as he followed me to the door. Making sure that my present was on the table near the door I walked out into the cold again.

“Gerard! Stop,” Mikey called after me angrily. I turned for a moment and stood halfway down the path glaring at him, my hair going in all directions from the wind.

“What?” I yelled. He ran out the door and came to a stop right in front of me.

“We may be arguing about all this but we need to sort it out. I’ll get Alicia to delay Mum and we’ll talk about it and then you can come home,” he begged.

“No, Mikey. I’m never coming home. I can’t,” I replied, shaking my head. I turned to leave again but was stopped by Mikey’s hand on my shoulder, stopping me.

“Don’t leave me, Gerard. Not again,” he whispered. I looked down at his hand then into his eyes.

“I never left you, Mikey. I was always here, you just didn’t know it.”

Mikey just looked confused, maybe one day I’ll explain it to him.

“If you want to talk to me so bad, just go to the little bookshop on Boonal Street in the main city. You’ll find me there on weekends, working,” I said, shrugging his hand off my shoulder and continuing my way out of the yard.

It took a while to get home but when I did I was ambushed with questions from Quinn. Frank had gone to bed and I was glad of this fact. I didn’t want to ‘talk’ with him at all like he had suggested just before I had left.

“So how was it?” Quinn asked excitedly.

“I’ll tell you in the morning, yeah? I’m real tired and it’s a long story,” I replied, yawning, wanting nothing but to just sleep. Quinn’s face fell but he agreed, even going as far as guiding me to my bedroom and tucking me into my bed full-clothed. I think he could tell that it didn’t go too well.

“I’ll see you in the morning, Gerard,” he whispered, flicking out my lights and closing my door slightly.

I nodded, although he couldn’t see it and then drifted off to sleep.