Apricity

The second I opened the front door to my apartment, Harley let out a wild howl, ran right past me, and jumped directly into the center of Claude’s chest. The man dropped to his knees and wrapped his arms around Harley as he kissed him. As the two continued to have their small reunion, I turned away from them and headed into the kitchen. My mind was reeling as I thought about Harley peeking behind me everytime I came him. I thought about how he would always look for Claude. To him it was like Claude was on a long road trip, not living in the city, living his own life, banned from being in his life.

I know he was just a dog, but he was our dog.

Our dog

I felt water build up behind my eyes as I pressed my hip into the counter and looked at the containers of chicken and vegetables I had made earlier in the day. My mind was reeling as I traced over the containers a few times. I should have heated something up for him. I should have made him a plate of food, but I couldn’t will my body to move.

My brain and heart had been in a constant battle since I found myself sitting on the bench in front of his cubby. I could still feel the shiver run through him when I pressed soft kisses to his forearm when he wrapped me in a hug. I could still hear the choke in his voice as he held me. He was so happy to see me he was about to cry.

In that moment, I wasn’t sure who had been suffering more since our breakup.

All of the thoughts were silenced when I heard the soft click of Harley’s paws against the kitchen floor. Swallowing hard, I straightened my back and turned toward the doorway, praying that all of the emotions swelling in me didn’t turn into tears falling down my cheeks.

“His tongue went into my mouth,” Claude scratched behind Harley’s ears as he looked up at me with a small smile. “Could I get a glass of water?”

“Yeah, of course.” I breathed as I quickly moved around and grabbed a glass and pressed it against the small dispenser in the fridge door. Eyes focusing on the water filling the glass, I didn’t notice Claude walk up to me and stop nearly inches from my back.

The light warm breeze of his breath hitting the back of my neck caused every nerve in my body to explode under my skin at the same time. Tensing, I turned around and felt all of the air leave my lungs when I saw how close he was to me. I could see every color in his eyes. I could count every pore on his face.

I instantly felt my body heat up to the same temperature it did when I kissed him earlier. Just before I wound up and slapped him across the face.

“Why am I here, Quinn?” Claude whispered as he carefully took the glass from my hands and set it down against the counter next to us. As his hands gently settled on my shoulders, I looked down from his eyes and felt my brain start to become engulfed in flames again. I didn’t want him to leave. I didn’t want to have to wake up without him again. I wanted Harley to howl when she saw Claude walk in the door. I wanted to be able to fall asleep in his arms again.

I wanted what we had back. The need for it increased every second I spent with him.

But I hated him. I hated the fact that I loved him so much, that without him I felt like a shell of who I used to be. I hated that I couldn’t live my life without him. I could still hear his voice that night. I could still remember the tears that smothered his words when he called me from outside of whatever hotel he was staying in. I remember the way Jakub took the phone and told me that everything was fine.

I remember the next day when he came home.

I remember him telling me what had happened.

“I don’t know,” I finally whispered as I pinched the bridge of my nose. “I really just don’t know.”

“I don’t know what to do to fix this.” His voice was barely a whisper.

“Not fuck someone when we’re dating?” I breathed, my eyes snapping to his, watching the walls crumble in his bright eyes. They were filled with water within seconds. I didn’t want to see him cry. I didn’t want to hear his excuses and apologies. Part of me wanted to put this behind us. The other part of me just wanted to move on.

I thought about laying on the couch with someone else. I thought about looking up at someone that looked back at me with those eyes. Eyes that held so much love I didn’t need to think or wonder if I meant the world to them.

I wanted to be swept off my feet. I wanted to feel the weight of life off my shoulders. I wanted to move out of this apartment and into a house just outside of the city. I wanted to get my life moving. I wanted to feel whole with another person.

“It kills me everyday, Quinn,” Claude whispered as he slipped his hand onto the side of my face and directed my eyes into his. “Everyday I come home to that apartment and I can’t eat. I can barely sleep, I can’t focus on anything without you in my life.”

Tears slipped from the corners of his eyes as he ran his thumb in a circle against my cheek. His hand was shaking as I stayed silent in front of him, not able to string together a coherent sentence as his words resonated in my head. I wanted to believe him. I wanted to melt into him and never let go. I wanted to give Harley his dad back.

“Are you hungry?” I whispered, my mind unable to respond directly to his words. “I made chicken and veggies for dinner.” I couldn’t look into his eyes as I turned from him, feeling his hands slip off of me as I turned from him and grabbed a plate from the cabinet.

The man stayed silent as I fixed him a plate and placed it into the microwave. Just as I was about to type in the time and hit start, I paused and sucked in a deep breath, my brain on fire as I listened to the soft sound of Claude scratching Harley’s stomach from the other side of the room.

I wanted to turn into a puddle on the floor and seep through the cracks. I wanted to drain out into the street and start new without all of these thoughts in my head. I wanted to erase the way he made me feel. I wanted to go back to before we had fallen apart. I wanted to wake up to him. I wanted to feel his lips drag against my skin.

I wanted to hear his sleepy voice say good morning.

I wanted to believe him when he told me he loved me.

“Quinn?” Claude called out to me as a shiver rushed through my body, causing my hands to clamp down onto the edge of the counter. My stomach was in knots as I blinked hard, my heart aching in my chest as I thought about him whispering the same words into the ear of whatever woman he slept with in New York. I could barely see the room in front of me as the man gently grabbed me and turned me toward him.

He spoke words but nothing stuck.

I couldn’t stop thinking about her.

I couldn’t stop feeling the worthless pit in my stomach.

“I loved you so much,” I cried as I felt my body fall into his. Within seconds his arms were wrapped tightly around me, his chin rested on the top of my head as I kept crying into his chest. “I never wanted anyone else.”

I could feel Claude's muscles tense with every word I spoke.

“I thought we would get married. I was so excited to wake up to you every morning. I was so excited for us.” My throat burned as I felt my knees shake under the weight of my torso. “Why wasn’t I enough for you, Claude?”

The man holding me shook as my words hung in the air. As I stayed there, listening to his erratic heart beat, I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to wish this all away. I didn’t want to be pathetic anymore. I didn’t want to cry over him. I didn’t want to feel this way anymore. I wanted what we had back. I wanted who I fell in love with back.

Claude didn’t answer my question. Instead, he kept me close to him, his chin on the top of my head. Every few seconds, I would feel him swallow hard. I knew he was crying, I could tell from the shake of his arms, but I didn’t do anything about it. The thought of him crying didn’t pain me like it used to.

I almost wanted him to cry.

Almost.

“I will never be able to fix what I did, Quinn.” Claude whispered as he pressed his lips to the top of my head. “I would spend the rest of my life trying, but nothing can ever fix it.”

“I wish I hated you.” I whispered, my body shaking from the feeling of his hands on me.

“I wish I could go back, Quinn.” Claude pulled me from my chest and looked at me, his bright eyes full of water, his cheeks glistening in the light. “I just want you back in my life. I don’t care if you never want to touch me again, I don’t care if I never get a second chance. I miss being able to talk to you. I miss seeing you. I miss you, I miss you so much.”

Nodding my head, I shut my eyes and listened as the microwave sounded again, signaling the timer had run out. Letting the sound echo in my head, I turned from Claude and pulled the microwave open. Taking the plate out, I set it down on the counter and looked up at the man, my eyes catching a few tears slipping from his eyes as he looked at me.

“You can stay the night.”

Claude nodded, pressing his lips together, stopping himself from saying anything else. As the pulse in my head started, I set his food up at the table, poured him a glass of water, and then walked out of the room, my body slowly going numb as I walked to my bedroom. Dropping myself onto the mattress, I looked up at the ceiling and felt a shiver rock my nervous system.

I didn’t know what I was doing. I didn’t know what I wanted.

Could Claude and I be friends? After everything we had been through, after all of the emotions, all of the feelings, could we reduce ourselves to just friends?

Could we coexist?

Could we handle seeing each other with another person?

Would I be able to see him kiss another woman.

Could he stand watching another man kiss the top of my head?

Harley poked his head into my room somewhere during my mental analysis and trotted over to me. Jumping up on the bed, he let out a groan and then curled up next to me and rested his head in the crook of my neck. Nuzzling me a little, I obliged to his want and lifted my arm up, setting my hand down on him and rubbing it back and forth.

He groaned again, sighed, and then shut his eyes.

We stayed like this for a while. I knew I could always count on Harley to keep me company. He always had a feeling for when I was upset. When Claude and I had broken up, I remember him standing behind me as Claude and I fought. I remember him tugging at my pants leg as I stepped closer to Claude, a shade of red blinding my vision.

I remember how he followed me out of the apartment the day I moved out. I remember how I didn’t even need to leash him, I didn’t even have to coax him away from Claude.

He just followed me.

“Cute,” Claude whispered from the doorway to my bedroom. Peering up, I watched as the man came into view, his eyes tired and pink as he looked from Harley to me a few times. “Is this normal?”

I nodded a little, trying not to disturb Harley who was now peacefully asleep on me. “Ever since we moved in.”

Claude nodded, his eyes tracing over me once before looking around my room and frowning.

“I’ve been sleeping on the couch.”

“No wonder you’ve been playing like shit.” I retorted and watched as Claude looked at me, his eyes playful as he lifted an eyebrow and nodded his head a little.

“Not sure I missed that.” He sent me a wink, his eyes glowing when he noticed the pink that started to surface on my cheeks. Swallowing hard, I looked back up at the ceiling and tried to push his words out of my head. I didn't want to joke with him. I didn’t want to keep analyzing what was going on. The more I got into my own head, the more my heart pulled at my vocal chords.

I didn’t want to see him, but here he is. I didn’t want to kiss him, but there I went.

I didn’t want him in my bedroom. I didn’t want him in my bed.

But I told him to stay.

Sucking in a deep breath, I shut my eyes and thought about waking up to his warm arms wrapped around me. I thought about pressing my face into his warm chest in the morning. I could still smell his deodorant. I could still hear his raspy morning voice.

“You can stay in here tonight.”

Fuck you, Quinn! I thought to myself as I watched life surge into Claude’s hazy eyes. Parting his lips, he went to speak but instead pushed up a small puff of air, then nodded and turned away from me. Heading down the hallway, his footsteps faded into silence as I turned my head to see Harley’s big brown eyes looking at me.

The face he was giving me was one I should have been giving myself.

“I know, Har,” I sighed as the dog huffed and pressed his nose into my neck. “I’m an idiot. Tell me about it later.”

Harley groaned as he pulled himself from me and then looked out toward the doorway. As Claude walked back over, Harley glared at me and then jumped off the bed. Trotting over to Claude, he sat down at his feet and let out a single bark. When Claude started scratching behind his ears, I looked up and felt my heart thud in my chest.

What was I doing?