Status: can be triggering
Can You See It?
chapter 1
What can I say about bipolar depression? I sat at my dim yellow rest my hands resting in my lap. The feeling of my bluejeans felt unusually cold. My eyes stayed fixed on the full cup of steaming hot tea sitting in my favorite blue mug My reflection looking back up at me. I was nothing grate I didn't even try to be. The hair on my head popped up all over the place. I was never that grate at making a bun on top of my head. No matter how hard I would try my hair would do whatever it wanted to do. As I looked closer I couldn't help but notice how my eyes went from a blue green to gust a dark blue. I knew this wasn't going to be a good day and if anything that just proved it. Whenever my eyes are a dark blue I knew that It would be a dark, dim, sad day. Something kept circling in my head over and over again that a counselor that I incrementally started to go to with no chose of my own.
Bipolar-depression its an effective disorder characterized by periods of mania alternating with periods of depression, usually interspersed with relatively long intervals of normal mood. That was what I was told When I was sitting in an office with white walls a small window a desk and two boring black plastic chairs. I don't actually understand what it all meant all I did know is that I am ether ad, depressed, pissed off, or I stay up for days on end and then crash for a few days.
The depression feeling has gotten worse and lasted longer the past couple of months. I stood up from the desk grabbing my bag clenching it tight in my hands almost twisting the soft cloth back and forth. I hated to leave the house It would fill me up with fear even the thought of stepping one foot outside was enough to make me want to cry but I knew I wouldn't cry I am strong I never cry. Bad things kept running through my head like if I get in a car accident, I go to the wrong place, the time was wrong on my card that they gave me for a reminder, or if I will say something wrong and they use that information against me to lock me away in a nut house.
Every breath that filled my lungs got faster and shorter I sat back down at my desk trying to catch my breath. My hands began to get clammy, sweat began to form in little drops at start of my hair line. and I could feel my body overheating as I got dizzy. After what seamed to be ten years I started to calm myself back down I looked at the clock I had 30 minutes to drive 15 to the counselors office that only left me 15 to find a parking spot, put on my headphones, open my energy drink seeing how i haven't slept in days, and to go up the elevator that I hope would be empty like it always is on a Tuesday morning.
That was the plan to drive and take 4 rights, two lefts, and to park my car in the third spot from the handy caped in the second row on the left side never the right side.
I knew in my head I was working myself up again at the same time i thought to myself when am I not worked up. Hell getting dressed takes 2 hours alone and that is not including makeup. The feeling of defeat took hold of me I knew it wouldn't let go. Other word and sentences flooded my head all at once. Things like anxiety which is a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome, violent trauma, sexual trauma, emotional trauma , as we can tell my mind stayed on the wood trauma. Could I really have trauma in my life that made me turn into such a terrible and useless person? I am now 20 and I can't even imagine my life outside of my four walls that I barricade myself in for days on end. I was lucky to know that the bathroom was right outside my bedroom so I never had to leave for two long if I did.
When it came to eating it wasn't hard given the fact that i usually slept well into the night after everyone has gone to bed. I could eat without feeling like I am taking to much or to little. Not having the feeling that every move I make was being studied. I already knew I was fat and away from beautiful thanks to kid from alimentary, jr high , and part of high school. To tell you the truth all I ever wanted to feel like I was wanted.
Bipolar-depression its an effective disorder characterized by periods of mania alternating with periods of depression, usually interspersed with relatively long intervals of normal mood. That was what I was told When I was sitting in an office with white walls a small window a desk and two boring black plastic chairs. I don't actually understand what it all meant all I did know is that I am ether ad, depressed, pissed off, or I stay up for days on end and then crash for a few days.
The depression feeling has gotten worse and lasted longer the past couple of months. I stood up from the desk grabbing my bag clenching it tight in my hands almost twisting the soft cloth back and forth. I hated to leave the house It would fill me up with fear even the thought of stepping one foot outside was enough to make me want to cry but I knew I wouldn't cry I am strong I never cry. Bad things kept running through my head like if I get in a car accident, I go to the wrong place, the time was wrong on my card that they gave me for a reminder, or if I will say something wrong and they use that information against me to lock me away in a nut house.
Every breath that filled my lungs got faster and shorter I sat back down at my desk trying to catch my breath. My hands began to get clammy, sweat began to form in little drops at start of my hair line. and I could feel my body overheating as I got dizzy. After what seamed to be ten years I started to calm myself back down I looked at the clock I had 30 minutes to drive 15 to the counselors office that only left me 15 to find a parking spot, put on my headphones, open my energy drink seeing how i haven't slept in days, and to go up the elevator that I hope would be empty like it always is on a Tuesday morning.
That was the plan to drive and take 4 rights, two lefts, and to park my car in the third spot from the handy caped in the second row on the left side never the right side.
I knew in my head I was working myself up again at the same time i thought to myself when am I not worked up. Hell getting dressed takes 2 hours alone and that is not including makeup. The feeling of defeat took hold of me I knew it wouldn't let go. Other word and sentences flooded my head all at once. Things like anxiety which is a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome, violent trauma, sexual trauma, emotional trauma , as we can tell my mind stayed on the wood trauma. Could I really have trauma in my life that made me turn into such a terrible and useless person? I am now 20 and I can't even imagine my life outside of my four walls that I barricade myself in for days on end. I was lucky to know that the bathroom was right outside my bedroom so I never had to leave for two long if I did.
When it came to eating it wasn't hard given the fact that i usually slept well into the night after everyone has gone to bed. I could eat without feeling like I am taking to much or to little. Not having the feeling that every move I make was being studied. I already knew I was fat and away from beautiful thanks to kid from alimentary, jr high , and part of high school. To tell you the truth all I ever wanted to feel like I was wanted.