Boxing Day
❄❄❄
Every year I look for you.
Christmas is joyous and festive and I can lose myself in it temporarily. But it’s over too soon, and the next day I wake up crippled with a post-holiday depression and a dull, icy ache for you.
It’s been four years since you’ve left me on this day, this very 26th of December. Four years since we’ve shared the same bed and loved the same things. Four years since I have felt warm, four years that I have slowly been losing memories of happiness.
I refuse to lose them. I hold on tight to those moments of love, but it’s not enough. I need to see you again, to find out why. Why you left. Why you never came back. Why you never gave me a reason.
So I look for you.
I dress in my warmest clothes, and step out into the oh-so-familiar chilly morning air. I search every street and neighborhood; look in every café window and shop. I scan the sea of faces passing me, hoping. New York City is a big place, but I still hope that someday I’ll find you somewhere in it.
I draw my coat closer to me, shivering slightly. It’s cold. I am numb. But this is nothing new to me, so I press on. I can’t stop now. I must keep going.
It’s late now. My steps have long slowed, and my need is the only thing that fuels me. The city steadily buzzes around me with leftover Christmas joy. Everything on this day is leftover. Including me.
Drained, I stop for a moment and contemplate entering the nearest café. I could use a nice hot something, to try to disguise the cold within my chest.
I peer into the window. The people sitting at the tables and lounging on the couches look happy, their faces content above their steaming mugs. I decide to go inside, but as I step toward the door my eyes catch on something.
I see you.
You are sitting by yourself in a dark green armchair, a mug on the table beside you. You’re concentrating on the book in your right hand as you absentmindedly reach for your drink with your left, slowly raising it to your mouth and taking a sip.
You look the same, yet different. I remember you smiling, younger and wilder at heart than your age would suggest. I remember you wearing my old t-shirt and nestled in my bed, inviting me in to share the warmth. I remember your out of control curls and the ring in your nose glinting in the light as you laugh at one of my jokes.
Your hair is shorter now, pushed back in an old-fashioned pompadour and curling slightly to the side. You’re dressed in a polished, sophisticated way; you always loved the style of the city. Your face is familiar as you read. Your brow is slightly furrowed, and you bite your lip just so. You look perfect, at peace.
I know I must look silly. A man immobile outside a coffee shop window, staring into the interior like something has possessed him. Seeing you has opened a floodgate I’ve struggled to hold shut for so long.
My eyes widen as you shift, crossing your legs at the ankle. Your foot begins to tap the other slowly. You cup your hand closer around your mug, fingers wrapping through the handle.
Without warning, you glance up as you turn a page.
I’m staring right into your eyes. They widen with surprise and disbelief as you recognize me. I know exactly what you’re thinking, because I’m thinking it too: Is it really him?
I can’t move. Your eyes are holding me down. My heart is beating at a mile a minute, threatening to burst out of my chest. A man passes in front of me, but your gaze does not waver. I open my mouth as if to speak, but I can’t. My breath forms a fog in front of me.
And then you’re moving. The spell is broken. You’re carefully setting your mug on the side table, then throwing your book down and rushing through the cafe. You’re at the door, you’re coming through, and then you are in front of me.
I still haven’t moved as you come to a stop. You’re breathing hard as well, and your fog joins mine. The two mingle, and I watch for a moment as they cloud together and fade away.
I can tell you aren’t sure what to say to me. It’s alright; I don’t know what to say to you either. Right now just seeing you is enough.
You shuffle your feet, pulling your sleeves over your hands. You are suddenly shy, glancing down at the sidewalk while your mouth turns up slightly at the corner.
“Hello, Jack,” you say gently.
Your voice is breathy and soft. The floodgates have really burst open now, and my mind’s eye is drowning. You greeting me in the morning by whispering in my ear, you confessing your love for me as we are cuddled together on the couch, you sighing my name as I run my hand down your chest.
“Hello, Zack,” I respond quietly, offering you a smile.
You grin at me, hesitate for a moment, and then take my hand. “Come inside, you must be freezing.”
I was. But not anymore.
Christmas is joyous and festive and I can lose myself in it temporarily. But it’s over too soon, and the next day I wake up crippled with a post-holiday depression and a dull, icy ache for you.
It’s been four years since you’ve left me on this day, this very 26th of December. Four years since we’ve shared the same bed and loved the same things. Four years since I have felt warm, four years that I have slowly been losing memories of happiness.
I refuse to lose them. I hold on tight to those moments of love, but it’s not enough. I need to see you again, to find out why. Why you left. Why you never came back. Why you never gave me a reason.
So I look for you.
I dress in my warmest clothes, and step out into the oh-so-familiar chilly morning air. I search every street and neighborhood; look in every café window and shop. I scan the sea of faces passing me, hoping. New York City is a big place, but I still hope that someday I’ll find you somewhere in it.
I draw my coat closer to me, shivering slightly. It’s cold. I am numb. But this is nothing new to me, so I press on. I can’t stop now. I must keep going.
It’s late now. My steps have long slowed, and my need is the only thing that fuels me. The city steadily buzzes around me with leftover Christmas joy. Everything on this day is leftover. Including me.
Drained, I stop for a moment and contemplate entering the nearest café. I could use a nice hot something, to try to disguise the cold within my chest.
I peer into the window. The people sitting at the tables and lounging on the couches look happy, their faces content above their steaming mugs. I decide to go inside, but as I step toward the door my eyes catch on something.
I see you.
You are sitting by yourself in a dark green armchair, a mug on the table beside you. You’re concentrating on the book in your right hand as you absentmindedly reach for your drink with your left, slowly raising it to your mouth and taking a sip.
You look the same, yet different. I remember you smiling, younger and wilder at heart than your age would suggest. I remember you wearing my old t-shirt and nestled in my bed, inviting me in to share the warmth. I remember your out of control curls and the ring in your nose glinting in the light as you laugh at one of my jokes.
Your hair is shorter now, pushed back in an old-fashioned pompadour and curling slightly to the side. You’re dressed in a polished, sophisticated way; you always loved the style of the city. Your face is familiar as you read. Your brow is slightly furrowed, and you bite your lip just so. You look perfect, at peace.
I know I must look silly. A man immobile outside a coffee shop window, staring into the interior like something has possessed him. Seeing you has opened a floodgate I’ve struggled to hold shut for so long.
My eyes widen as you shift, crossing your legs at the ankle. Your foot begins to tap the other slowly. You cup your hand closer around your mug, fingers wrapping through the handle.
Without warning, you glance up as you turn a page.
I’m staring right into your eyes. They widen with surprise and disbelief as you recognize me. I know exactly what you’re thinking, because I’m thinking it too: Is it really him?
I can’t move. Your eyes are holding me down. My heart is beating at a mile a minute, threatening to burst out of my chest. A man passes in front of me, but your gaze does not waver. I open my mouth as if to speak, but I can’t. My breath forms a fog in front of me.
And then you’re moving. The spell is broken. You’re carefully setting your mug on the side table, then throwing your book down and rushing through the cafe. You’re at the door, you’re coming through, and then you are in front of me.
I still haven’t moved as you come to a stop. You’re breathing hard as well, and your fog joins mine. The two mingle, and I watch for a moment as they cloud together and fade away.
I can tell you aren’t sure what to say to me. It’s alright; I don’t know what to say to you either. Right now just seeing you is enough.
You shuffle your feet, pulling your sleeves over your hands. You are suddenly shy, glancing down at the sidewalk while your mouth turns up slightly at the corner.
“Hello, Jack,” you say gently.
Your voice is breathy and soft. The floodgates have really burst open now, and my mind’s eye is drowning. You greeting me in the morning by whispering in my ear, you confessing your love for me as we are cuddled together on the couch, you sighing my name as I run my hand down your chest.
“Hello, Zack,” I respond quietly, offering you a smile.
You grin at me, hesitate for a moment, and then take my hand. “Come inside, you must be freezing.”
I was. But not anymore.