Secret Santa

"You mean everything.There are not quite words enough to tell you all the things that you've become for me. And the headlights on the highway cannot help me understand. Whatever it is you need, I pray I am."

•••••••••

A soft sigh escaped his lips and his long fingertips traced her bare arm as she slept beside him. Their bare legs were intertwined under the thin sheet he had just lazy thrown over the two as they finally laid down to sleep. He traced small shapes on her arm, taking in her undeniable beauty. Being able to be intimate with someone so beautiful on both the inside and out had his stomach in flutters every single time he thought about it. Though when he got to thinking about it, he tended to overthink. Just like tonight.

John sighed, sliding out of bed and kissing her forehead softly. He slid on some clothes and shoes, grabbing his phone and quietly slipping out the front door to her apartment.

He climbed into his car, starting it and just starting to drive. John didn't know where he was going, but he knew he was going to go somewhere, not being able to sleep with the agonizing thoughts in his head. Not five minutes later, he found himself driving along the highway, watching the headlights of passing cars as they drove on the opposite side of the street. He just needed a distraction.

Though no matter how much he got distracted by driving, the thoughts still slipped into his mind.

John never thought he was good enough for his beautiful girlfriend. He thought she was well beyond too perfect for him, even though she wasn't perfect. He knew she had her flaws, but were they really flaws when he was so desperately in love with them? He knew that she had a temper when she was mad. He knew that when he was away on tour for too long, she got insecure that he would find a fan prettier than her and leave her, though he couldn't see his life without her. He knew that she was obsessed with weird indie music, but then also loved the same stuff as John. He knew everything about her, but yet he felt like there was so much more he could know and should know as a boyfriend.

And it was times like tonight, when they did something intimate, and she cuddled into his chest and said three little words, that he just wondered "why?" He wondered why she loved him, when she could love anyone else in the world. 8 billion people in the world and she chose him. He just didn't see why, and felt like the odds weren't in his favor.

John wasn't an insecure person when it came to her. Not in front of her, anyways. He always put on the little confidence act, always flirting with her and making himself out to be a certain way. He made her think he was confident and hadn't a care in the world. Though it was nights like this when he just felt like he would disappoint her one day, and she would stop feeling sorry for him and dump him out on his ass.

As he drove, he sang along to the words of Stay Together For The Kids by Blink 182, and tried to forget his problems, and he did. He just prayed he was enough for her.

For a little while he did forget, until he got back to her apartment.

Upon returning, he noticed a small light on in the bedroom in which he knew so well. He sighed and walked back in, leaning in the doorframe of the bedroom, seeing his beautiful girlfriend curled up in the bed, dressed, now. She was looking down at her lap and had an unreadable expression on her face.

"Do you ever feel like you're not good enough?" She asked, knowing he was standing there.

"24/7." He said, making his presence known for sure.

She looked up at him and bit down on her lip, but not in the seductive way she had a few hours ago; in a way that told John that she was on the verge of tears. "Why'd you leave?" She asked quietly.

"I was trying to clear my head.. I always feel like I'm never enough for you. I feel like I'm only going to disappoint you and you're going to drop me. I feel like I can't be what you need.." He admitted to her. He hadn't planned on voicing his feelings to her anytime soon, but it just happened. He wanted to keep it inside. He wasn't one to keep things from her, though. Even surprises were hard to keep for him.

She sighed and let out a sound that sounded oddly between a sob and a laugh. "It's funny because I feel the same way. I feel like you're going to look at me one day and just leave me because I'm not perfect. I've got so much baggage and I feel like I dump it all on you, and I feel like I'm suffocating you.."

He shook his head and walked over to her, sitting down and pulling her onto his lap. "Sweetheart, you're never going to dump too much on me. I like how you're so open with me about everything. I don't want you to be perfect. I'm so in love with everything about you.."

She nodded and played with his hair between her fingers. "John-.." She cut herself off with a small sigh.

John rubbed her back gently, pressing his lips to her cheek. "I love you, okay? There's no one out there more perfect for me than you. You're everything."

She tried to hold back her smile but kissed him. It was a firm, loving kiss full of all of the emotion running rapid in the room. They just sat like that for a minute before she laughed quietly. "I love you, John.. Don't ever forget that. Ever."

"Ditto, my love. You're my everything, and I love you so much. Don't ever forget that. Ever." He said against her lips.

'Don't ever forget that. Ever.' It had become their thing recently. They said it when they told each other they loved the other because they more than loved each other but there was no words to explain that feeling. So they just made sure the other never forgot it.

She smiled and he knew that he had no reason to feel like he wasn't good enough because he was perfect for her, and she was perfect for him. And he knew that. "Never."