One Little Star in Infinite Space
Last Memory
2/13/2006
The last memory I have of my mother; I was fourteen so about six years ago.
“I can’t change nothin’ I did and I’m sorry for the damage done.”
My mother stands in the same spot she stood the day I met her, same black rolling suitcase and her same teary face.
She reaches out to grab my hand, but I step away and she whimpers a little.
“I don’t expect you to forgive me now,” her voice and throat sounds hard from the tears. “But I hope you will someday. I only ever wanted to love you as much as I could and I’ve been letting you down since the day you were born.”
Tears sting my eyes, but I don’t shed a drop I don’t feel bad for her with all the pain she’s caused me.
Aunt Niecey comes inside from the back door in a rush and sees us.
In a huff she asks “what are you doin’ Courtney why you all packed up what happened?”
“Denise don’t start I don’t want to talk about it I’ll just see my way out.”
“Where are you going? Why are you leaving?”
“You know why,” she says quietly.
Yeah we all know why and she’s too much of a coward to own up to any of it she just runs away, she’s run away my whole life.
“You don’t have to go,” Denise exclaims. “We can work this all out, you’re family we’re here to help you.”
“There isn’t anything you can do, I’m going back to Jon’s and there ain’t nothin’ that’s gonna stop me.”
“Not even your daughter,” I say looking at her wide sad eyes.
She opens her mouth to speak then closes it again, blinking and more tears falling.
Shaking my head and my voice shaking too I raise my voice, “you’ve never been here for me! Why’d you even come back if you didn’t plan to stay? I could’ve gone years without seeing you and it wouldn’t hurt this bad. But now you’re just ripping yourself from me again, like my feelings don’t matter like I don’t love you. What was seven years too long for you to be around your family? Well fine, leave I don’t want to see you again!
I storm off into the room slamming the door shut behind me and I hear Aunt Niecey yelling for me, but I stay in my room crying in my bed.
I fell asleep at some point and when I woke up I found my Aunt Niecey in her room across the way from me with the door wide open. She’s standing in front of her dresser and mirror wiping her face it looks like.
I went in to see her teary face matched mine. I talked with her and she told me that my mother left about an hour ago. She’s on her way back all the way to the other end of the state. I slept in my Aunt Niecey’s bed that night because I didn’t want to be alone and I’m sure she didn’t either.
So that was the last time I saw my mother . . . Until today.
The last memory I have of my mother; I was fourteen so about six years ago.
“I can’t change nothin’ I did and I’m sorry for the damage done.”
My mother stands in the same spot she stood the day I met her, same black rolling suitcase and her same teary face.
She reaches out to grab my hand, but I step away and she whimpers a little.
“I don’t expect you to forgive me now,” her voice and throat sounds hard from the tears. “But I hope you will someday. I only ever wanted to love you as much as I could and I’ve been letting you down since the day you were born.”
Tears sting my eyes, but I don’t shed a drop I don’t feel bad for her with all the pain she’s caused me.
Aunt Niecey comes inside from the back door in a rush and sees us.
In a huff she asks “what are you doin’ Courtney why you all packed up what happened?”
“Denise don’t start I don’t want to talk about it I’ll just see my way out.”
“Where are you going? Why are you leaving?”
“You know why,” she says quietly.
Yeah we all know why and she’s too much of a coward to own up to any of it she just runs away, she’s run away my whole life.
“You don’t have to go,” Denise exclaims. “We can work this all out, you’re family we’re here to help you.”
“There isn’t anything you can do, I’m going back to Jon’s and there ain’t nothin’ that’s gonna stop me.”
“Not even your daughter,” I say looking at her wide sad eyes.
She opens her mouth to speak then closes it again, blinking and more tears falling.
Shaking my head and my voice shaking too I raise my voice, “you’ve never been here for me! Why’d you even come back if you didn’t plan to stay? I could’ve gone years without seeing you and it wouldn’t hurt this bad. But now you’re just ripping yourself from me again, like my feelings don’t matter like I don’t love you. What was seven years too long for you to be around your family? Well fine, leave I don’t want to see you again!
I storm off into the room slamming the door shut behind me and I hear Aunt Niecey yelling for me, but I stay in my room crying in my bed.
I fell asleep at some point and when I woke up I found my Aunt Niecey in her room across the way from me with the door wide open. She’s standing in front of her dresser and mirror wiping her face it looks like.
I went in to see her teary face matched mine. I talked with her and she told me that my mother left about an hour ago. She’s on her way back all the way to the other end of the state. I slept in my Aunt Niecey’s bed that night because I didn’t want to be alone and I’m sure she didn’t either.
So that was the last time I saw my mother . . . Until today.
♠ ♠ ♠
When you read about Auntie Niecey, think of Loretta Devine's voice, that high soft voice she has.