‹ Prequel: Notes on Heartbreak
Status: This is not so much a story as it is a personal journal. Although one day I hope to look back at it as a story of my life.
Everything After
Damnit
It's Tuesday night and I'm thinking of you.
It was Tuesday morning and I was walking casually to work, bags under my eyes, a coffee cup in hand.
It was Tuesday afternoon and I was headed to the gym, my classes done for the day, my hair spouting from my head, flinging side to side.
And now it's Tuesday night, and I can only think of you.
You aren't even here and yet you're still part of my daily routine.
I want to ask if this is normal- that you still dwell within my mind like the ghost of someone I once knew.
I want to ask if the feeling deep within my chest is normal, if it's trustworthy.
It makes me sick to my stomach, it sends my head spinning.
Everything feels unfinished, wide open. You're always here; Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, you're always fucking here.
Leave me alone, find somewhere else to dwell, someone else to plague.
I don't want to feel helpless and victim to this feeling of knowing that you're coming back and its not over. I don't want you to come back, I want you to stay away and I want to get better. I want to forget you and I want to forget us and I want to stop thinking about how we would meet up during class and kiss in the stairways and I want to forget the way you looked at me and the way you loved me and the way it feels to think that that's the best I can ever get and that I can't do better and that I messed it up and that it's my fault and that that was my shot and thats it- because thats not it...
I'm sitting on the edge of a cliff, looking down at the bottom.
Will it be thanksgiving break or winter? Or will you have a new girlfriend like last year and I'll have to wait for summer?
To be at the command of someone else's snap of the finger is not a place I like to live.
I want to kiss you and I want to tell you that I don't see you for the reasons that you think, I see you because I want to spend time with you and I miss you every day and I miss who you were and I miss who we were and I just want to feel your touch. I want to tell you that we could lay next to each other and not say a word, and I would be content. I just want time with you.
But most of all, more than anything, I don't want to think of you on Tuesday nights.
It was Tuesday morning and I was walking casually to work, bags under my eyes, a coffee cup in hand.
It was Tuesday afternoon and I was headed to the gym, my classes done for the day, my hair spouting from my head, flinging side to side.
And now it's Tuesday night, and I can only think of you.
You aren't even here and yet you're still part of my daily routine.
I want to ask if this is normal- that you still dwell within my mind like the ghost of someone I once knew.
I want to ask if the feeling deep within my chest is normal, if it's trustworthy.
It makes me sick to my stomach, it sends my head spinning.
Everything feels unfinished, wide open. You're always here; Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, you're always fucking here.
Leave me alone, find somewhere else to dwell, someone else to plague.
I don't want to feel helpless and victim to this feeling of knowing that you're coming back and its not over. I don't want you to come back, I want you to stay away and I want to get better. I want to forget you and I want to forget us and I want to stop thinking about how we would meet up during class and kiss in the stairways and I want to forget the way you looked at me and the way you loved me and the way it feels to think that that's the best I can ever get and that I can't do better and that I messed it up and that it's my fault and that that was my shot and thats it- because thats not it...
I'm sitting on the edge of a cliff, looking down at the bottom.
Will it be thanksgiving break or winter? Or will you have a new girlfriend like last year and I'll have to wait for summer?
To be at the command of someone else's snap of the finger is not a place I like to live.
I want to kiss you and I want to tell you that I don't see you for the reasons that you think, I see you because I want to spend time with you and I miss you every day and I miss who you were and I miss who we were and I just want to feel your touch. I want to tell you that we could lay next to each other and not say a word, and I would be content. I just want time with you.
But most of all, more than anything, I don't want to think of you on Tuesday nights.