Ignite These Somber Flames

Silence. It was nice to have a moment to breathe. I took a seat at my tiny desk tucked in the corner of my room. The top cluttered with disorganized papers, books with coffee stains, coins scattered about, and bobby pins that had hair sticking out of them. The cluster of objects circled around my laptop. I flipped it open and pulled up Photoshop. I began editing a series of photographs I took the week before for a business corporation. Men dressed in mostly blue or black suits, the occasional gray suit crossed the screen. Women were dressed in silk tops and formal pants. Some in modest dresses or skirts. Smiles plastered on everyone’s faces. My mind drifted to Frank. His chiseled face outlined by his strong jaw line. I closed my eyes, in order to redirect my attention back to the portraits.

But in a few more edits, I compared the businessmen in their suits to Frank. The night before last suddenly became clearer than day. His rough hands gliding over my smooth skin, and my fingertips brushing over his tattoos, so many of them were foreign to me. His chapped lips against mine, the heat radiating off of him. I forgot how much heat Frank conducted in his sleep. I always stuck my bare feet out from under the covers in order to balance out the warmth.

An invisible string lightly pulled at the edge of my lip. The moment it happened, the intense feeling of fear cut the string. My lip fell back into a straight line and I closed my laptop.

I decided a long bath would calm the unsettling feeling in the pit of my stomach. It felt so natural to have the boys back in my life, even Frank. Laughing, goofing around, and in general, seeing them. But on the flip side, I felt all those empty years between us. I missed out on so much. It was painful to think about turning my back on them. Everyone handled the situation well; no one asked about my departure four years ago. No one made me feel terrible about it. Yet, there I was in the bathtub; my knees tucked into my chest, trying to relax.

I thought of Frank, standing in the dimly lit kitchen the night before last; his lips barely forming the word: why.

Today, I didn’t grasp the concept of relaxing.

I got out of the tub, the water still warm. I dried myself off and changed into a cozy pair of pajamas. The bottoms covered in cute, little orange foxes and trees. I toweled-dried my hair quickly before throwing it up in a bun; I secured it with bobby pins. I grabbed my phone off of my desk, checking the screen. It was just after 3pm; the boys left almost five hours ago. I flipped open my phone, dialing Rima's number.

"Hey girlie, what's up?" she answered after the third ring.

"Just getting some work done," I said. "But I was wondering if you were free later today?"

"What did you have in mind?"

"I think there's couple bottles of wine with our names on it?" I offered.

"Just let me know the time and I'll be there," I could picture her grinning from cheek to cheek. "I could bring over a couple of movies."

"I was hoping as soon as possible," I hesitated.

"Everything okay?" she asked.

"I’ll let you know when you get here?"

"Sounds good," she said before hanging up the phone.

Rima showed up a half-hour later; a deck of movies in her arms and a bag of groceries in the other. Liam, and I had a terrible habit of never locking the door if at least one of us was home. I sat on the couch, my laptop in my lap. Rima let herself in.

"Hey," Her face lit up when she saw me. "I brought stuff to make pizza with because what else would go better with wine?" I set down my laptop, grabbing the movies before any of them dropped.

She set the bag down in the kitchen, turning around with her hands on her hip. "You never told me that you knew the boys of My Chemical Romance," she said, giving me an arched eyebrow. "And Liam never mentioned it either!"

I let out a nervous laugh. "You never asked."

"Didn’t think I had to ask," she fired back. "Lucy, you got some splainin to do," she imitated.

I pulled out one of the bottles of wine left over from the engagement party. Next I grabbed two of our larger wine glasses and poured equal amounts. I handed one over to her. I told her everything I possibly could as we made a pizza topped with ricotta, mozzarella, sliced tomatoes, pepperoni, onions, and mushrooms. I started with Linda Iero being assigned as my caseworker. I told her how I grew up with Liam in the foster care system. I talked about Liam and Frank being inseparable when they met in kindergarten. I had always tagged along, despite being a year younger and Frank’s objection since I was a girl. I told Rima that things between Frank and I changed when I was thirteen; we spent more time together, studying. First, Frank was cold but I remember Frank became more social with me. I had asked Liam if he had anything to do with it but Liam denied all accusations. Rima and I talked about my life after high school. When the pizza was finished, we moved into the living room.

We sat on the couch, plates empty but a few crumbles scattered. The pizza had only one slice left but neither of us had any room left for it. Of course, wine was the exception. We would lean over the coffee table, pouring more into our glasses as they emptied. It was refreshing to have a somewhat quiet night in with another girl. Audrey and I hadn’t been able to since her engagement to Liam.

We reached the end of my story: my departure from New Jersey. It was the point in the story I never quite figured out how to explain.

The truth was too painful to relive. I locked the truth away and buried it underneath all of Gerard's letters. Opening one of those letters meant taking a step closer and accepting the truth. I couldn't have that. Yet, I never figured a way around the truth. Even all these years later, I still had this unexplainable gap in my story. Liam accepted the fact that he would never know what happened between Frank and I.

"So?" Rima asked.

"Well-I needed to leave New Jersey. I needed change," I lied. "I visited Liam plenty of times here so I decided to stay a while." I finished my second glass of wine. "And well, I never left," I laughed and placed the empty glass on the coffee table.

"But you didn't keep in touch?" She asked, confusion settling in her face.

I shrugged my shoulders, "It got tough. They were always traveling for tour," I made up. "I know Liam and Frank kept in touch but-" I paused. "It just got too tough, you know? Frank wouldn't have understood so I just decided to-" I trailed off. I didn't know how to finish my sentence. Any of the words that came to mind didn't seem to fit the story.

"You decided to end things?" She offered. Rima tilted her head to the side, pouring more wine into her glass. "Oh, Marlowe," she sighed.

"Oh, but it gets better," I had a nervous smile on my face. "But you have to promise you can't say anything to anyone, not even Audrey."

Rima's spine straightened out. "What?" She asked. "I mean, I promise.”

I took a deep breath in; I couldn't believe I was going to tell her. I needed this off my chest but still. Saying the words meant admitting reality. "The night of the engagement party," I said. Rima nodded her head but her hands quickly covered her mouth. Rima's eyes widened.

"No," she breathed out. And I nodded my head. "You and Frank?" I nodded my head again. "Oh my god, we need another bottle of wine!" Rima stood up, stumbled a bit, but regained her composure. She nearly ran into the kitchen, digging through the cabinets for another bottle.

"Bottom left," I laughed from the couch. I stood up, ready to go help her when the front door swung open. I turned around. "Audrey!" I cheered. I moved toward her as she laughed at my waltz.

"Hello?" She chuckled, wrapping her arms around me as I fell into her. "Someone's been drinking?"

"Not alone though!" Rima cheered, walking into the living room with another bottle of wine outstretched over her head. "Hey, girlie!" She grinned at Audrey. "You have to join us!"

"Let me just get changed," Audrey laughed as I let go of her. Rima and I sat back down on the couch, making sure to leave room for Audrey when she returned.

The moment Audrey left, Rima leaned closer to me. "We are not done with Frank," she said, too loud for comfort.

"Shut up," I lightly scolded at her, my eyebrows raised. "I don't need Audrey to overhear you." Rima made a face at me, leaning back. She opened the bottle of wine, topping off our glasses.

Audrey came back down, face free of makeup, her infamous floral, silk kimono on, and a pair of dark grey shorts underneath. Audrey sat in the middle of Rima and I. We put on Ever After, one of our favorite fairytale movies. Rima and I leaned our heads on Audrey's shoulders. Audrey was the motherly figure of the group. She always had the right thing to say to any of our troubles. In her family, Audrey was the middle child, with an older brother and a younger sister. Rima on the other hand, was the wild child. She grew up an only child. Her parents were strict with her, wanting her to be a doctor or a lawyer. But Rima got her teaching credentials and taught sixth grade math. Then there was me, the quiet, witty one. I stood somewhere in the middle of Rima and Audrey.

The movie was almost over when the boys finally returned home. The sunset hours ago, Audrey finished off the rest of the pizza, and the three of us shared one more bottle of wine. I stopped drinking while Audrey and Rima continued. The only light in the living room came from the television.

"Sh!" Liam whispered, faltering into the house. Behind him, Frank, Mikey, and Ray were fumbling around, giggling like a pack of schoolgirls. Gerard pushed by them, making his way to the head of the pack.

"I'm so sorry," he said, looking apologetically towards the three of us. Audrey stood up and walked over to Liam's side. His arm snaked around her shoulders, and Audrey glared over to Gerard. "Let's just say they had too much to drink," he sighed, rubbing the back of his head.

"Oh my gosh!" Frank slurred, stumbling into the house. "I love this movie!" He assembled himself down in the middle, part of his butt sat on my leg. I shifted over a little, making room for him and ignoring the smug looks from Rima.

Mikey and Ray stood next to Gerard, whispering to each other. Fits of giggles would leave their lips as their eyes darted in our direction. Audrey glanced over at us, "I'm going to get this one to bed," the look in her eyes soft. "Good night," she spoke before taking Liam up the stairs.

Gerard's eyes narrowed at Mikey and Ray; I stood up and walked over to them. "Help me get them upstairs?" Gerard asked. I quickly looked over at Frank and Rima on the couch. A lump began to form in my throat. I didn't know if it was wise to leave them alone; Frank and Rima seemed equally too happy right now. "Marlowe, please?" Gerard's words snapped me out of my trance and I nodded my head.

"Come on you two," I sighed, linking my arm with Ray's. Gerard took Mikey and together we led them into the guest room.

The guest room wasn't much. It was a little bigger than my room in width, enough to fit a queen-size bed with an air mattress. A little nightstand stood in the corner with a lamp. Next to the floor lamp stood the entire boys' luggage and articles of clothing poked out from the sides. The Chicago Skyline, the Empire State Building, the Eiffel Tower, and many more photographs I gifted to Audrey framed the room. Ray and Mikey both threw themselves down on the queen size bed.

Gerard and I came back down the stairs; Frank and Rima were sitting on the couch, facing each other with smiles on their faces.

"Looks like Frank and I get the air mattress," Gerard chuckled lightly from next to me.

"Rima and I can share my bed," I said.

"Actually, I was hoping you'd give me a ride home," Rima appeared next to Gerard, her attention focused completely on him. Her hands were folded neatly in front of her.

"Of course," he smiled down at her, his hands stuffed in the pockets of his jeans. I opened my mouth to object but Gerard stuck his arm out, gesturing Rima towards the door. They looked back at me, "You got Frank?" Gerard asked.

My lips were pressed together in a firm line, my eyes narrowing slowly at Gerard. "She's got him," Rima smiled, drawing Gerard's attention back to her. If looks could kill, Rima Jwa was a dead woman walking. The door closed behind them, but I still heard Rima giggle.

"Hi," a voice slurred in my ear.

I looked over my shoulder. His face was inches from mine. "Hi," I rolled my eyes and walked past him. I grabbed the empty plates, stacking them on top of each other. I took the wine glasses in the other hand and carried everything into the kitchen. I felt him close behind me; he was light on his feet and bounced with every step. I turned around once I set the wine glasses down. "Yes Frank?" I asked him, one hand rested on the countertop while the other pressed firmly on my hip.

Our eyes clung to each other. He took a step closer; he stood only a couple of inches taller than me. My heart thrashed against my ribcage. I broke our connection; my arms fell to my sides and my eyes drifted to tiled floor. Frank reached out, moving in slow motion, and tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. His hand landed on my shoulder and my eyes wandered back up to him. A look of severe agony washed over his face. I opened my mouth to say something but Frank bent his head over. Abruptly, I felt splatter on my pants and feet. I looked down as Frank keeled over; a pool of vomit sat at my feet. My head snapped back up, my eyelids spread apart from each other.

"I'm sorry," Frank grumbled.

I didn't know what to do. I stood for moment, staring at Frank on the ground before I moved. I grabbed old towels from the bottom drawer next to the stove. First, I cleaned the vomit off my pants and socks as best I could. I bent down, cleaning up the mess on the floor. Frank groaned in pain as I moved quickly. I took my socks off, folding them inside out before I pulled Frank to his feet. "Come on," I sighed as I helped him up the stairs and into the bathroom.

Without further instruction, Frank leaned over the toilet bowl, releasing everything in his stomach. I looked down at my stained pants, and sighed. I pulled them off. I avoided touching the stains. I threw them in the tub, opposite the side with the faucet. I tossed my socks on top of the pants. I sat on the edge of the tub, sticking my feet under the water faucet. Frank kept his head hovering over the toilet bowl. After I rinsed my feet off, I washed my clothes down. I wrung them out, throwing them over the side of the tub to dry. I made a mental note to snatch them early in the morning before anyone would see them.

I grabbed a glass of water from the kitchen for Frank. When I came back into the bathroom, his back leaned against the wall opposite of the toilet, one of his knees tucked into his chest. I handed him the glass.

"Thanks," he barely mumbled as he chugged the water.

"You're welcome," I whispered back, trying to keep our noise level down.

After a while, Frank tried to stand. I jumped up, helping him maintain his balance. He grabbed hold of my arm, flashing a weak smile. I didn't want to risk waking Ray and Mikey up. And there was no way we would make it back down the stairs. I led him down the hall, into my room.

"I always loved your sexy legs," he smirked, his rapacious eyes fixed upon my legs. Although flustered, I smiled against my better judgment. I hadn’t heard a compliment in a while. I shook my head, concentrating on the task at hand. I closed the door behind us, letting Frank crash onto the bed. "Help me with my pants," he begged, struggling to get his pants off. Dramatically, he wiggled out of them letting them fall to the floor. He pulled the hem of his shirt over his head, throwing it across the room. He got under the covers.

"Better?" I asked gently, taking a seat on the edge of the bed next to him. He nodded his head, his eyelids shut. I smiled again. Despite the struggle Frank presented tonight, it was rather calming to watch him. His chest rose and fell steadily. For a moment, the walls came down, and the notion of suppressing all feelings for Frank dispersed.

But the walls came back up. I pressed my palms to my thighs, pushing myself up. Frank reached his arm out, grabbing mine and pushing me back down on the bed. "Stay," he grinned childishly. "Please," he lifted his head up a little, one eye open, staring directly at me. He lowered his head back down, a throbbing look washed over his grin.

I place my palm over the back of his hand, and although he didn't see it, my smile reappeared. With the little space left on the edge of the bed, I laid my head down, curling up into a ball next to him. Frank tucked under the sheets; I fell asleep on top of them.