Ignite These Somber Flames

Audrey worked on Rima’s hair, refreshing the ends with a fuchsia, lilac hue. The rest of Audrey’s salon moved. Clients in and out of chairs, stylists ran around the clinic floor, and modern, pop music played at a reasonable level. Conversations were kept. I sat on the couch, an open magazine in my lap with my cell phone on top. Ray and I texted each other all morning. It started with stupid, little smileys to awful jokes I shared like, “there was an explosion at the cheese factory in France: DE-BRIE EVERYWHERE!” He sent a text back telling me Mikey cried because he laughed so hard and Liam didn’t understand it until Gerard explained the joke to him.

There was no mention of Frank, which either meant he was passed out, too hungover to care, or Ray made it a point not to mention Frank. I had hoped for anything but the latter.

This morning, I woke up earlier than normal, taking care of my clothes in the bathroom. Frank dead to the world; the blanket stopped at his waist, exposing his pale, bare chest. One of his hands tucked under the pillow, while the other rested in front of his face. The scene in front of me was complete bliss. But the feelings dissipated in a matter of minutes. Reality settled in its place. The boys were leaving in a few days.

Audrey and Rima were already up when I made it downstairs. Gerard sat awkwardly on the couch opposite of the two girls as Audrey drank her morning coffee. Rima did her best not to keep eye contact with each one for too long. Rima jumped up when she spotted me.

“We’re going to Audrey’s salon today,” she told me before she hugged me. “She’s going to freshen’ up my ends. I was thinking purple but a more pink based purple.”

This all led into my current situation: stuck on the couch with nothing but Frank on my mind. The collation of moments that occurred between us all week weight on me. Each individual piece, by itself, didn’t appear to be a big deal. Tiny flecks of snow, but those flecks eventually turn into a snowball. It started from an initial state of small significance and built upon itself, eventually becoming hazardous.

I knew it would only lead into the elephant standing in the room: my departure. The world of hurt, I could only imagine, I left Frank in alone. But I had hurt myself as well. I lost my closest friend. I lost the one person who saw through my disguises, who saw the girl behind the “I’m a poor orphan” mask. The closest friend that no matter my mood, knew exactly how to make the corners of my mouth flip upward. The closest friend that one day became my boyfriend.

His family became my family, though Linda had always treated me like family. Linda was the first guardian angel in my life. She did the best she could for me and it reflected in her son. I didn’t only leave Frank behind; I left Linda too, without a single explanation or a simple thank you.

I left an amazing support group: Gerard, Mikey, and Ray. Although they were my friends first, they became Frank’s band. I lost them too. In a single decision, that at time I thought I only lost Frank, became an entire world of people gone.

In my heart, I knew I loved Frank. This morning reminded me of that. Even last night when I helped him in a vulnerable state, I knew I stilled loved him. It hurt this morning, being so close to him physically, yet miles apart. I felt his love for me, buried in his eyes. However, last night, I saw it in the freckles of his eyes, in the lines of his face. I loved Frank. Frank loved me.

What was the problem?

Both Rima and Audrey stood in front of me, Rima twirled around to show off her new color. “What do you think?” She smiled down at me, the mood between the two girls changed since this morning.

“I like it,” I replied meekly, placing my phone in my pocket. I closed the magazine and set it with the others on the table next to me. “But I must say, I’m going to miss the blue.” Standing up, I sighed heavily, relinquishing all my troubles for the time being.

“What’s the matter?” Audrey wrinkled her nose at me. “You’ve been quite distant all morning.” She linked her arm with mine, placing her other hand on top of my arm.

“I’m okay,” I convinced her, I looked her dead in the eyes with a bright smile across my face. “I just didn’t sleep well last night.” My response received snickered from them. “Oh shut it,” my eyes rolled.

“We didn’t say anything,” Rima said. We waved good-bye to everyone else in the salon before heading outside.

Audrey, Rima, and I spent the rest of our morning and early noon at a little, hole-in-the-wall breakfast joint. We sipped away at countless mimosas and ate french toast with fruit. We giggled about our drunk boys and Audrey’s wedding. Weeks ago, just days after the engagement, Audrey asked me to be her maid of honor. Of course, I had accepted. Rima was one of the bridesmaids along with Audrey’s sister and a few girls from the salon as well.

The boys picked us up once we paid the check and stumbled out of the restaurant, one too many mimosas to blame for it. Audrey hopped in the middle seat next to Mikey, leaving only the back next to Ray and Frank open. I sat down next to Frank, flashing a smile to both boys. “Scoot over,” Rima shouted from outside the van, smacking me on the butt.

“I can’t,” I told her, whipping my head around. “There’s no room back here.” It became clear that none of the boys thought ahead about how many people there were versus the number of seats available.

“Then sit on Frank,” Rima smirked at me.

Instantly, my cheeks flushed a bright shade of pink. “Excuse me?” I stuttered.

“You heard me.”

I stole a look from Frank, a nonchalant expression appeared on his face. “Fine,” I said, trying to steady my tone from the anxiety built inside of me. We hadn’t spoken since falling asleep last night. Shaking the anxiety away, I sat on Frank’s lap as Rima occupied the seat I just vacated.

Liam and Gerard sat up front. Liam drove as Gerard fiddled with the radio, unable to make up his mind which songs he wanted to listen to. Mikey sat next to Audrey, his head turned around as he carried a conversation with Ray. Audrey and Rima talked about how Rima's tolerance to spicy food improved over the years.

“It’s crazy! I pour sriracha on everything now!” she claimed. “Oh my gosh, Audrey! Remember last year you poured hot sauce all over the tacos we were sharing! I think that’s what started it all.”

Audrey turned around laughing and said, “I totally forgot about that! I was so drunk I had forgotten you didn’t eat spicy food. And I told you that Marlowe would share her burrito with you.”

“And I was too hungry to share with you,” I finished the story. I shook my head, laughing from the fond memory of the three of us drunk at the music festival last summer. Audrey and Rima continued to talk about the festival as I tuned out. Frank, who had been quiet the whole time, leaned his head on my shoulder, his breath tickled the back of my neck. I didn’t move despite the fact that a wave of chills slid down my spine. “You alright?” I asked softly, tilting my head towards him. Frank didn’t say anything but he nodded his head into my neck. Without much thought, I leaned my head, my face pressed against his hair. I kissed the top of his head quickly before anyone could make a big deal out of it.

As I sat upright, Rima caught my eye. I looked down at my hands in my lap. Frank’s hand glided into my open palm his fingers intertwining with mine. I made the mental note to just go with the flow, despite every ounce of my body wanting to stop these moments.

He goes back to touring in a couple of days-I told myself again. It was only a matter of time before Frank brought up the past. It would only be fair for him to, and I knew it was a road I did not want to travel down despite all our feelings. It was precisely the reason why I didn't want to tell him.