Unravel

Elizabeth had never thought that - in all of the 28 years she had been alive by now - there would ever be a day where she was forced to only care for herself.
She was a carer with a deep need to protect others from injustice. Maybe it ran in her genes, maybe it was just behaviour she had picked up during her childhood or whatever her family had instilled into her. Whatever it was, it had successfully turned out to be a major part of her personality. So having to leave her best friend behind in the hands of strangers had not only hurt, it had been nearly impossible for her.

But she tried to convince herself that it was for the best, even as she was already heading towards the outskirts of New York City. She needed a hotel that didn’t ask for an ID and thanks to her job she could remember one where they had busted a drug dealer a few months back. Not ideal, but very much ideal for her situation.
She had guessed that the more seedy the hotel was, the better. Clint had been right. Giving her information to the clinic had been a dumb move but she hadn’t thought about it, at least not then, with everything else on her mind.

Now that she had time to think and make plans on how she wanted to proceed, she wanted to make sure that her steps were as untraceable as she could manage right now. She had already withdrawn a good part of her money somewhere in Manhattan, left a huge wad of cash at the vet clinic for the staff to find and she had thrown her phone into the Hudson River, letting the water do its damage.

Elizabeth would have been lying, had she not admitted (at least to herself) that she felt more and more like a criminal with each passing minute. But she tried to remind herself that this wasn’t the case.
James was a victim. She tried to help. She was not a criminal, just couldn’t help but snoop and bring justice to him, to the people in general - and be inevitably caught in the crossfire.
She tried to repeat that to herself as many times as she could but somehow it didn’t seem to stick as well as she wanted it to.

The taxi she had hopped into had been as seedy looking as the hotel she was currently looking for. The driver was a man looking 40, most likely younger, with greasy salt and pepper hair and a generally unwashed look to him. She couldn’t remember the last time she had had to take a cab at 3 in the morning but this man was just fuel for her nightmares. He made her feel uneasy to say the least, not only with his presence but also with the way he kept glancing at her - especially after this day’s events. At least she still had her gun on her.

The only good thing was that he didn’t talk to her except for a gruff “Where to?”. Looking like a hot mess, exhausted, tear-streaked and generally unappealing had probably put him off from asking any questions and, honestly, this was something Elizabeth was thankful for.

The moment the taxi reached its destination, Elizabeth threw a small wad of cash at the driver, not bothering to count the bills, and hastily made her way towards the hotel with a hurried “Thanks!” in his direction.

She couldn’t waste any time in the streets where she was as visible as a beacon. Also, if she thought about it, she still needed to get to work in the morning. And just the thought of having to go back out filled her with dread.

///

As soon as Elizabeth was able to lie down on the frankly dusty bed, she wanted to sleep. That was all she wanted; some deep, uninterrupted sleep.
She hadn’t been able to sleep enough during the past few days anyway and now, with the adrenaline in her blood finally decreasing, she felt her eyelids droop even more. However, it seemed that the day’s events still needed to catch up with her and with each passing minute thoughts crept into her mind that made her want to cry more and more.

Elizabeth couldn’t remember the last time she had cried this much. What had happened today certainly did warrant some sort of physical reaction, though.
But as Elizabeth's heartbeat started to pick up and her breathing got laboured, she realized that she couldn’t calm herself down any more and started to shake, cold sweat breaking out all over her body.
Maybe she wouldn’t have been pushed as far as to having some sort of panic attack had she not been alone.
There it was again. Alone. She now was truly alone. No dog, not even a stupid some-sort-of-roommate that hardly ever talked. She couldn’t even describe what she would give to have Jame’s sole presence somewhere near her, just to reassure her. But she knew that she was on her own, at least for now. Nothing she could do right now would help her.

So with a shaky sob, Elizabeth turned to wrap herself in the dusty duvet, hoping that at least the three hours of possible sleep she had left before she needed to wake up again would be enough.

///

They weren’t. Damn herself for even thinking that three hours would make up for four days of hardly any sleep at all. But now she needed to deal with the consequences. Whether she had the energy to do just that was a whole other story.

“Alright, gather ‘round everybody,” she heard Director Hawk call out, followed by the imminent clatter of the agents heading his way, both sounds ending in jolts of pain inside of her head. Slowly Elizabeth began to drag her tired body his way, too. Looking to her right, she saw Ewan stepping out of his own cubicle and shooting her a worried look as soon as he caught her eyes. It seemed that he wanted to say something, although when he did start to speak, he was interrupted by Director Hawk. “There are several cases that we need to put on hold for now and this has been an incredibly difficult decision. But due to the fact that the team we assembled to find Barnes at the beginning of this week hasn’t brought any new evidence forward until now, it has been decided that we will add new members to the team once more.”

Elizabeth’s stomach dropped. Of course they would be trying to find him as fast as possible. If she knew anything about the media, then that they had probably started to blow a lot of it out of proportion. She wouldn’t even be surprised if there were rumors of the murders being part of a terrorist attack. She could understand why the FBI would feel like they were in a tight spot.

Director Hawk started calling out names and several agents in the crowd started murmuring to each other.

When Elizabeth felt a warm hand on her shoulder, she turned to her right to meet Ewan’s eyes.

“You don’t look so good,” he stated concerned, his eyebrows creased.

No shit, Elizabeth thought, but as far as she knew he didn’t know why she would look any different than she usually did. “I’m fine,” she answered brusquely, trying to focus on the names Hawk kept calling out. She didn’t want to talk about her thumping headache, or the way she saw black spots each and every time she stood up too quickly. There wasn’t really time for that.

“Liz-”

“All team members meet now to discuss how to proceed. Conference Room 312!”

“Leave it, Ewan,” she told him again, trying to focus but on top of her headache, her knees had started to buckle. She hated the way her body reacted to her lack of sleep.

Moving to step back into her cubicle to grab her stuff for the meeting, Elizabeth had to close her eyes for a moment to help pass the lightheadedness she was feeling. Dizziness was a common symptom of sleep deprivation, too, she reassured herself. Nothing unusual.

However, bending down to grab her bag did the trick and as soon as Elizabeth moved to stand upright again, her whole vision went black and her knees gave way.

“Liz!” Ewan’s voice echoed around her as she felt someone pat her cheeks and shoulders, the rough carpet rubbing against her bare arms. “Shit!”

Willing her eyes to open, Elizabeth squinted due to the fluorescent lights overhead to see Ewan’s still concerned face hovering above her, a few people standing behind him. If she thought her head had hurt before, she now had reached a whole new level of headaches she wanted to leave behind as quickly as possible.

“I passed out,” Elizabeth concluded with a whine, slowly moving her arms to rub her face.

“She’s okay!” he called out to the agents gathered around her cubicle to make them leave, and continued,
“Yeah, you did,” Ewan replied, sitting back on his heels. “You should probably go home. I’ll convince Hawk to give you half a day off, if you want me to.”

“No, I’m good. I- Don’t send me home,” Elizabeth replied rather quickly, causing Ewan to cast a scrutinizing look her way. But when Elizabeth started moving to sit up, he was pulled out of whatever he had been thinking.

Grabbing her arm, to help keep her upright, Ewan asked, “When’s the last time you ate a proper meal?”

“What day is it?”

“Liz-,” Ewan started but was interrupted by another voice joining the agents gathered around her cubicle.

“What’s going on?”

Elizabeth groaned as soon as she heard the voice of the director. She had just passed out in front of several people. She really didn’t need to embarrass herself in front of her boss either.

“She passed out,” Ewan answered for her. “We’ve been working non-stop every day of this week, it was bound to happen.”

Elizabeth slightly scrunched up her face. She was the only one that had passed out so far, so why was he making it all about the whole team? The only reason she had passed out was because she wasn’t only sidelined in this manhunt - she was quite literally in the middle of it.

“I’m okay,” Elizabeth repeated herself and swatted at Ewan’s hand to let make him let go of her arm, as she stood up from her place on the floor of her cubicle. “Really,” she told the director with a slight nod of her head. “I’m fine.”

“Moore, you look like shit, to be quite honest,” came Hawk’s blunt reply, making Elizabeth choke on her own spit. She couldn’t remember having heard her boss ever talk like that but she knew he was right. She had thought the same thing that morning as she had tried to avoid looking in the small mirror, provided the hotel. “Go, take the rest of the day off. They weren’t able to find anything with your help for four days, they’ll do without you for half a day.” Director Hawk looked at her intently for a short moment, before moving towards the conference rooms on their floor. “Everybody on the team that’s not about to faint to the conference room,” he hollered before disappearing out of Elizabeth’s line of sight, again.

Sighing, Elizabeth turned around to grab her bag. She really wanted to go home. But not to that grimy old hotel room with no one to keep her company except for the outdated TV and the demented front desk lady.

“Are you good to get home on your own or do you need help?” Ewan asked from behind her. Could she never catch a break of him acting like her mother?

“I’m good, thanks,” she told him and kept packing her bag, holding back the snarky, unwarranted comment. She knew herself well enough to know it was the sleep deprivation speaking but the feeling was there nevertheless.

After a moment of silence, Ewan spoke up again. “Right. Just- Call, if you need something.” And with that he left her to join the fellow agents in a meeting Elizabeth would have given everything to be a part of. Just so she would not have to go back to that hotel room.

////

Elizabeth wanted pizza. And she deserved it, she tried to tell herself as she fumbled to open the door to her room, the key in one hand and the pizza box in the other.
Pizza surely wasn’t the best kind of food to eat after having eaten next to nothing but granola bars and coffee during the past few days, but she had a craving. And after having a panic attack and having passed out in front of her colleagues, she deserved it. She deserved pizza and a full ten hours of sleep. Possibly more.

Finally getting the key into the keyhole, the door swung open to reveal the small room she was forced to stay in. Everything was the same as she had left it in the morning - the crumpled duvet, tissues here and there - but there was also a small bag standing on the old vanity table in the corner.

Putting the cardboard box onto her bed, she made her way towards the bag, curiosity taking over. Hydra probably wouldn’t leave her a turquoise striped gift bag. If they did, she probably needed to change sides.

However, the only thing inside of the bag was a phone and relief instantly coursed through her body as she saw a text message on it, which Elizabeth opened hastily.

Hope you’re doing alright considering the circumstances. Call this number if you need anything and delete the messages. -J

Elizabeth couldn’t bring herself to just reply with a short and simple ‘I’m okay, thank you.’. She would be lying if she said she didn’t miss his company, even if he didn’t talk too much. But texting was almost like leaving notes, so she hoped that he would reply to her text message.

I’m okay, could definitely be better but I do have a whole pizza to myself. -E

Pepperoni? -J

His instant reply brought a small smile to Elizabeth’s face.

Yeah -E

Damn -J