Status: in progress and will be finished this year wohoo and will probably get a sequel

Unravel

XXIV

She had tried to fall asleep. God, she had tried.
And even though she could feel the exhaustion in every inch of her body, it just didn’t want to comply. Nothing seemed to work. Not the meditation, not the breathing exercises she had found on the internet once upon a time, not even counting sheep worked (which had been her last resort anyway). Although she wouldn’t have guessed differently because sheep, really?!

She hadn’t fallen asleep on the couch earlier, either. So when Clint had noticed her struggling to fall asleep on the uncomfortable piece of furniture, he had helped her hobble into one of the bedrooms on the first floor to at least let her be sleepless in a bed and a pillow that wouldn’t cause her neck to be stiff. And she couldn’t argue that the bed itself would be undeniably more comfortable.

The first thing she noticed was that bed smelled of dusty sheets, as if it hadn’t been used in a long time - which it probably had been. It reminded her of her grandfather’s house when he had gotten too old to take care of everything himself.

The memories had made her nostalgic and she cuddled further into the sheets, still sleepless however. She was grateful for everything they had done for her but she just wanted to sleep and somehow even though she knew it was sometime in the middle of the night, she couldn’t.

Like before in the car and afterwards on the sofa, everything kept replaying in her head. The paranoia, Vito, the goons, being shot, James finding her, getting stitched up and everything from the beginning on again. It seemed as if her mind wanted her to know that this was what she had brought on herself, that there was no one else to blame but her. That none of this would have happened had she just let it go and had never ventured further into this whole mess.
But whatever guilt trip her mind wanted to send her on, it was too late now anyway. She was in a strange house, in a strange bed, wounded, feeling like a burden, angry and confused. Her mind couldn’t make her feel any more guilty than she already was.

Sighing, Elizabeth pushed a few strands of her hair out of her face. The room was mostly dark except for a few rays of light pouring in through the open door and the window.

The house was almost completely silent, too. Sometimes she could hear the floorboards creaking here and there, letting her know that she wasn’t the only one awake at this hour. At least she wasn’t the only one unable to sleep. But being restless was always easier if another person was present to keep one company. So in the hopes of catching someone, anyone, walking around the house at this time, Elizabeth kept her tired eyes trained on the part of the hallway she could see.

It took a while but when she finally saw a strange tall man stop right by the room she had been placed in, she hadn’t anticipated it and her heart started pounding in fear, her instincts wanting her to start screaming. She didn’t know how many more surprises, or kidnapping and killing attempts she could take in the span of only a few hours. Out of instinct, Elizabeth scrambled back towards the bed’s headboard, her leg protesting the movement by sending several jolts of pain through her leg that she tried to ignore as best as she could. However a few groans still escaped her.

Noticing the shifting in the bed, the man suddenly but tentatively pushed open the door, walked into the room, flipped the light switch and held his hands up to show he was unarmed, that he didn’t mean her any harm with a grim expression adorning his face. “Sorry,” James spoke up, his voice calm and apologetic, ”They told me you were sleeping. Didn’t mean to startle you.”

Holding her hand over her heart, Elizabeth let her head fall back onto the headboard with a soft thud and a forceful exhale, closing her eyes for a moment and willing her heart to start beating slowly again. It was James. She was in a safe house with at least three different men, all ranging from assassin to super soldier to spy and she was as safe as she could be. Of course it would have been one of the men and not some stranger.

Swallowing the lump in her throat, Elizabeth nodded hastily and opened her eyes again. It was still only James, she hadn’t imagined it.

The light was bright and glaring, making her head hurt but seeing the way Elizabeth squinted, James flipped the switch again, leaving them in partial darkness. However, as the question and the consequent blush bubbled up from within Elizabeth, she was glad that the only thing they could see of their surroundings and themselves were their silhouettes.
“Can you stay here?” She hadn’t even meant for it to sound as desperate as it sounded. “I’m sorry- I just, I can’t sleep and everything’s just-,” But her attempts at explaining her intentions fell on deaf ears as James started moving again and the mattress on her left suddenly started dipping lower.

“Don’t worry about it,” he told her as he settled in next to her, leaning against the headboard in the same manner, still leaving a safe distance between them.
The space between them heated up instantly anyway and Elizabeth wondered whether she imagined it or whether it had to do with his metabolism and the serum he had undeniably been subjected to by Hydra. Just sitting next to him made her feel warmer. She had been feeling cold before, be it the blood loss or the exhaustion, so it was a welcome change anyway.

But no matter how safe this gesture made her feel, she still felt irritated beyond belief. Not only because she was tired and more or less bed bound but because she was helpless and people had to care for her. They had other things, more important things to do and yet.

“I don’t-,” Elizabeth started and heaved a sigh before harping on, hanging her head, “I don’t want to be a bother. To any of you.”

“Liz-,” she heard James sigh next to her.

“I’m sorry, it’s just- that’s all I’ve been for most of my life and I really just want to be able to do things on my own, without anyone’s help, or nepotism, or out of pity. And this. I just- I really don’t like it.”

“You probably shouldn’t give out advice that you wouldn’t even follow yourself then,” James interjected.

“What do you mean?” Elizabeth questioned and turned her head towards him, even though she could still only see his silhouette and the way he swallowed before speaking up again.

“You wanted me to talk to Steve, to take him up on his offer to help me. We’re offering you help and protection. This isn’t that different.”

“But-”

“It’s not,” James repeated and Elizabeth closed her eyes in defeat. He was right, it wasn’t. “I’m not- We’re not doing this out of obligation, okay? We’re doing this because we want to.”

“Are you sure?”

James chuckled softly. “I’m sure.”

“I’m- Okay,” Elizabeth relented. This was an argument she probably wasn’t going to win. “Thank you. Honestly.”

“Don’t worry about it,” James told her, leaving them in silence for a few seconds.

“You know, I like hearing you talk. It’s calming. And you seem.. content,” Elizabeth mumbled.

It was true. His talking had sounded forced and strained in the beginning. He still didn’t talk as much as others but when he did it sounded natural.

“I’m- better,” James told her and Elizabeth sighed in relief. That was all she had wanted to hear.

“How are you getting along with Steve?” Elizabeth asked and waited for his reply.

“We’re working through it,” James stated hesitantly. “It’s difficult but I’ve started remembering more and questioning less and I’m- I’m okay,” he concluded. “Not good but okay.”

“I’m glad to hear that. Really.”

Their talk was followed by silence again. They could only hear the floorboards creaking again and soft breathing from both of them when James spoke up again, unexpectedly.

“Nepotism.”

“Sorry?”

“You said you didn’t want others to give you something because of nepotism. Is that why you never joined SHIELD?” he questioned and Elizabeth squeezed her eyes shut. She didn’t want to talk about it, even just about herself. She felt as if that was all they ever did.

“I’m- It’s a long story,” she told him and shook her head softly.

“It’s three in the morning, you can’t sleep and no one else is around. If there is ever the time for a long story, it’s now,” James muttered and she heard him shift, probably making himself more comfortable.

Elizabeth took a moment to think but in the end she came to the conclusion that she wouldn’t have to talk about it again if she just told him now. “It is. My dad- he’s a nut job and things were a mess and I just wanted to do things on my own,” she relented, hoping it was enough.

“Three in the morning, Liz,” James repeated and Elizabeth sighed.

“I don-.. We don’t talk a lot but I guess at this age he was pretty similar to me. Granddad instilled the same sense of justice into him, do what needs to be done, help wherever you can, don’t be afraid to do what’s right. So he went and joined the army because he thought he could change something. That’s what it’s usually about isn’t it?” Elizabeth broke off to let out a wry laugh. ”The urge to make some kind of difference in the world, maybe even save some little part of it. You know what I’m talking about.”

“I think I do.”

“But the problem was that after the world war was over things just weren’t the same. There was no huge threat to fight against and the wars usually had some economic reason.
“Granddad kept doing small missions with the rest of the Commandos and S.H.I.E.L.D., my dad kept going on tour after tour with the mindset of changing the world, too.
He even met my mom over there. I think it was in Lebanon. That was when things started to get…,” she trailed off and swallowed hard. To be honest, Elizabeth couldn’t remember the last time she had talked about her mother with anyone other than her brother. She hated that it still weighed on her.

Suddenly she felt his warm hand slide over her own, making Elizabeth’s breath hitche in her throat. She willed herself to continue, to pretend everything was normal, but her voice cracked anyway. “See, he saw people die over there more often than actually live and there’s this woman and he has the silliest crush on her and he thinks that maybe if he can just have this little piece of peace and calmness and love in his life, then maybe he doesn’t need to change the world. Maybe that woman could be enough for him. If he can be with her the world can stay the same for all he cares, bombs and murders, because with her everything else goes quiet. And before he knows it, they have two kids, they drop them off at their grandparents’ place, go on another tour and two weeks in she gets blown up by an IED and he’s reminded of how fucking fragile things really are even if you have everyone's best interest at heart.” After a short pause Elizabeth added bitterly, ”And then things really go to shit when he tries to save himself from anything like that ever happening again, losing someone he loves, by overdoing it with his kids.”

As soon as she had spoken the last few words, Elizabeth scolded herself. She hadn’t meant for everything to come out the way it had, so bitter and disappointed, in the company of someone who hadn’t even asked for it. But his hand was still over hers, occasionally squeezing it and it felt right. “Sorry. This was… a lot,” Elizabeth chuckled uncomfortably and suppressed a yawn, her exhaustion finally catching up with her. “He later went on to work for S.H.I.E.L.D. and we had a falling out when he realized I didn’t want to follow in his footsteps.”

“Did you never think about it?” James asked hesitantly, aware that this was a touchy subject for her.

“I thought about it. I really did. But I wanted to make it in on my own. Everyone at S.H.I.E.L.D. would have known about my family and it’s just- it was too much to handle. I wanted to make myself proud by making it without anyone’s help. And there were so many expectations to live up to. Just- too much,” she concluded and took a deep breath.

She hadn’t ever admitted any of this to anyone and now here she was sitting with James next to her, everything bubbling up and spilling over. Every memory, every doubt. Thankfully, James didn’t seem to mind.

“For what it’s worth, from what I can remember you’re quite similar to Falsworth.”

“That really is worth a lot, with you remembering and all that,” Elizabeth laughed and wiped at her eyes, ready to change the topic already. Letting her own flingers flit over James’ she continued. “So you’re remembering.”

“The good, the bad...”

“The ugly.” She heard him sigh.

“Especially the ugly.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s-,” he started and Elizabeth could feel him shake his head and his grip on her hand tightened for just a split second. “They’re bad enough already. But they’re still trying to get me back and if they did, I don’t know what I would do the next time I got my memories back,” he confessed, sending shivers down Elizabeth’s spine. She didn’t want to think about it. “You know I didn’t even kill any of them,” he pulled her out of her thoughts.

Elizabeth perked up at his confession, confused. “You didn’t?”

“No,” he said. “They were trying to track me down and when they couldn’t get out of the confrontation they…just...”

“The cyanid tooth.”

“Yeah.” Elizabeth heard him swallow and she held his hand more tightly.

“Even if you had killed them, I wouldn’t blame you,” she told him. “But this proves that you’re far more away from being the Winter Soldier than anyone probably anticipates. You’re not him, James. Never were.”

“Bucky,” he suddenly interjected, causing Elizabeth to smile slightly. He was getting there. “It feels more familiar.”

“Bucky,” Elizabeth repeated after him and squeezed his hand in affirmation. She had been apprehensive of Steve at first but apparently she had made the right call. Maybe they were making the right call, too, in regards to her. “Thank you, Bucky. For everything.”

Squeezing her hand once more, he let go and pushed himself off the mattress. The heat vanished and Elizabeth slid down to make herself comfortable again, pulling the blanket closer to her body.
Walking towards the door, he turned around once more to find Elizabeth almost at the brink of sleep, her brown eyes lazily blinking up at him, only slightly illuminated by the hallway light.

He wanted to stay but she needed sleep and they would spend a lot more days and nights in this house than any of them would ultimately like to. There was enough time and no need to rush things. But she liked him, too, and he could almost be sure he would sleep well knowing that.
♠ ♠ ♠
mushymushy

(thanks for sticking with this story through my unregular-as-hell updating schedule <3)