Unravel

“I feel stupid.”

“You’re not.”

“I’m not saying I am. I just feel like it,” Liz sighed, letting her head roll from one shoulder to the other. Her neck had started hurting from being in the same position on the couch for a while now. It had apparently been long enough for the day to end and night to take over again. But she felt no urge to move, it was Sunday after all and watching Sam squinting in the bad lighting and trying to reassemble whatever gadget he had taken apart was the best entertainment she was going to get. She might have also unconsciously started using him as her emotional outlet. But he hadn’t yet complained, so she’d keep letting her thoughts out. Not everything all at once, but a steady trickle would do, too. Otherwise she feared her head would explode.

The last few days had started eventful, then there had been literally nothing. After stumbling in on Bucky’s tirade it seemed as if he had been swallowed whole. And Liz hated the fact that he had apparently started to avoid her. If he avoided the rest, too, she had to admit they were good actors. Even Steve had been rather calm, which - in the end - was all the evidence she needed that he was only ignoring her. But tomorrow she was set to go to work with Ewan by her side. And there was still no sign of Bucky. She didn’t even know whether he knew of her going back to the FBI the next day.

She knew it wasn’t easy for him but apparently he had been swallowing his grief for a while and had finally had enough. Maybe Sam should rather listen to him than her.

Swallowing her own confusion, she finally worked to stand up. She couldn’t stand sitting still for even one more second. Despite the effort it still took, it started to look more and more natural each time she did, even if it didn’t feel that way. She could read that in the look Sam shot her the moment she started walking.

“Looking better,” he started, nodding at her leg and going back to tinkering.

Stopping in her tracks and glancing down at her injury, she sighed. “Still hurts like a bitch though.”

Sam laughed softly, “I can’t imagine. For all the stuff we’ve done, I’ve never gotten shot.”

“Let’s keep it that way, huh?” Liz answered with an absent chuckle and slowly moved towards the door. Sam was nice to talk to but Bucky avoiding her still nagged at her.
The moment an idea popped up in her thoughts, her head snapped up. “Can I bribe you to detain Bucky?”

“No can do, girl,” Sam laughed but Liz’ mood had gone somber.

“I need to tell him that I’ll be gone tomorrow,” she mumbled, and focused on the door. If Sam had answered her incoherent mumble, she didn’t hear it. The it popped into her head, she knew it was inevitable. It needed to be done and putting it off would only result in more anger and pain.

Therefore, she limped to Bucky’s room, determination written all over her face until she finally came to a halt in front of the door. Then the determination and volition dissipated. But she had come so far. She didn’t want to be found standing in front of his room, rooted to the spot due to fear and uncertainty. So she knocked. And knocked again, until the determination came back and she was all but hammering against the door.

“Open up,” she yelled, after the edge of her palm had started to feel tender. When there was still no sign of life, Liz grew frustrated and opened the door on her own.

She found Bucky lying on the bed, facing the ceiling and not giving any indication that he knew she was there, immediately taking the wind out of her sail. He looked worn out and apathetic, the complete opposite of the last time she had seen him.
She stood in the threshold for a second longer before she decided that she couldn’t take it anymore. Crying was not on her agenda today. “I’m going back to work tomorrow.”

It was silent until she heard the whirr of his arm, and his subsequent sharp intake of breath at being betrayed by his own emotions. “Are you sure?” he finally spoke up.

“Yeah,” she stated, unwilling to move but willing to display just the tiniest smidge of emotions.“Everything’s been set up already. But I don’t want to leave things between us like that.” When he didn’t respond, she called his name. But all she could hear was him inhaling deeply and blowing the air out through his clenched teeth. “You’re not being helpful at all right now, honey.”

“I know,” he answered but made no indication of talking more or even looking at her. His lethargy wounded Liz deeply. She knew that what had happened and was still happening was what one could only describe as a massive shit show. But she wished he would at least say something, anything. She’d rather have him hurl abuse at her than this.

When she started to feel tears prick at the corners of her eyes, she inhaled deeply and turned on her heel, slamming the door shut before he could hear her sniffle. She didn’t have the energy anymore. It was hard enough to leave and face the unknown. She was a strong and independent person but his lack of concern was hurtful. She felt alone.

Loneliness was a feeling she had gotten used to. Being far away from the people she loved and estranged from the rest had made feeling lonely her default setting and while Vito was a good companion, he was no match to a real life human being. But then everything had happened at once and she had had no more time to ponder on it. She felt needed and safe all at the same time. But now she felt lonely again, and that in a house full of people.

Sniffling again, she willed herself to move, but she couldn’t. No matter how much she scolded herself for getting emotional, her eyes started to burn and she felt the first tear rolling down her cheek.

Liz flinched when suddenly a hand came down onto her shoulder from behind. After a moment of confusion, she knew it was Bucky and it made it just so much worse.
Turning around, his hand fell away from her and she looked at him to finally see traces of emotions. The facade of apathy had started to crack and she could finally see the guilt underneath it.

“Why?” she sniffed. “What did you get into your head that you felt the need to ignore me for days?”

He let out a quick but forceful breath through his nose before he broke eye contact, seemingly trying to find something else to focus on than the crying woman in front of him. But he caught himself, closed his eyes and shook his head. “I’m not good for you.”

“What?” she confusedly asked.

“I’m not good for you,” he repeated himself, stressing each word. “You’re in this situation because of me. I got you hurt, I-,” he trailed off, shaking his head in disbelief. “I’m sorry but I can’t do thi-.”

“Stop,” she suddenly interrupted, her eyebrows furrowed. He didn’t make sense. “I’ve been here for weeks and I’ve been in Hydra’s focus even longer. Why are you starting with this now?”

“Because it’s the truth!” he hissed.

“No, it’s not. Not entirely anyway,” Liz stated, and tried to look for clues in his expression. But then it dawned on her. “It’s Ewan, isn’t it?”

“It’s not,” he told her, shaking his head.

“Then what is it?” she asked, exasperated. Even Bucky seemed to have had enough of tiptoeing around the matter as he breathed in deeply and closed his eyes for a second.

“We got you out of harm’s way,” he stated slowly.

“Yes you did,” she agreed.

“You’re going back to the place that almost got you killed,” he stressed. He wasn’t fully right. She remembered the two men talking about having to take her back alive - boss’s orders. But she could understand his point.

“Bucky,” she started and stepped closer, letting her hands wander to his upper arms. “I need to go back- even after everything that happened. I need- I need to get back to my job, my life, I can’t keep being holed up in here, it’s not right. I’ve never been someone to hide away and I’m not going to start now,” she finished, looking at him intently.

He swallowed hard and pulled her to his chest. Liz relished in the warmth he provided, even despite the circumstances. God knew how long it would be until she was able to feel it again. “Just-,” she felt his chest vibrate beneath her cheek. “Be careful.”

She wasn’t sure what she could promise, so she pushed herself closer against him, committing the feeling to memory. When she didn’t answer, he did the same, pushing strands of her brown hair away from her face.

Liz could have stood there forever, embraced like this. But before any of them could break it up, she decided to get back to their conversation, even if just for clarification.

“Bucky?” she mumbled, and got a deep rumbling in his chest in response. “You’re good. You’re- plenty good. Your heart’s in the right place and I swear, if could achieve only one thing in blowing Hydra’s cover, it’d still want it to be you having your peace of mind.”

His chest grew softer against her cheek for a second, the tension leaving his muscles. But she could also feel his heart hammering away, making her smile. She didn’t want to admit it fully yet but the feelings that had started to develop were thriving. It wasn’t just his appearance anymore, or even just a crush. “Please don’t doubt that for a second.”