Unravel

Bucky had definitely had better days in his life. His head was killing him, a dull ache that kept growing and growing behind his eyes. A tight knot of thoughts and worries and, maybe because someone had smashed a door against it on his way out of that damned apartment building, it hurt even more. The serum had been good for a lot of things but apparently not for migraines. Not to say that he didn’t feel pain. He definitely felt every single hit to his side, every time his head connected with a fist. Maybe the knowledge that hardly anything could take him out of the game made him continue. The only man that could have taken him out anyway, but hadn’t so far, was Steve.

Steve. That scrawny, stupid kid from Brooklyn. That confused fondness when he had suddenly appeared larger than life. It had taken him a while to just think of that man in a normal way. First grappling with the fact that his appearance wasn’t just a hallucination, then without any homicidal thoughts creeping in, his mission returning. But the sterner the look on the blond man’s face grew, the more these tendencies threatened to return.

“Come on, man...” Steve started again but Bucky clenched his jaw. He wasn’t giving in. Nothing was going to convince him that they couldn’t have known Ewan was working alone. Every person had their motives and tells, even Ewan had to have shown some. Maybe they had just been too blind to see them, too focused on convincing themselves of his innocence.

He grabbed a glass from the cabinet, tense but careful so as not to break it. That wouldn’t have been the first time and Clint didn’t fare well with damaged property. “She was wrong- We were wrong. There was nothing that could have pointed to the fact that it was Ewan, let alone that this was one sole person’s work.”
Bucky scoffed. How was this still up for discussion? Turning on the faucet, focusing on the way the water filled the glass instead of looking at Steve. “Liz is still hospitalized. He’s in prison. And we’re still talking about it because even you are not quite happy with that outcome. He didn’t work alone. He was either the middle man or just the means to an end. You know it. We know it.”

Taking a sip, he hoped that the cold water would relieve some of the pressure behind his eyes but the look Steve shot his way made every effort to diminish the pain pointless. “I don’t care.”

He felt Steve square up next to him, his breath more audible than before.
“Bullshit you don’t care,” Steve shot out and Bucky raised an eyebrow at him.

“I don’t care,” Bucky repeated lowly and Steve struggled to not roll his eyes. “We can mull it over another dozen times but it doesn’t change the fact that people, that Liz, got hurt. And before you ask, yes. That’s the reason I went after him. You of all people should know that I protect the people I care about,” he said, then paused for a second, adding, “When I’m in my right mind, at least.”

“So what, you would have killed him?” Steve inquired factually.

“If I had gotten my hands on that asshole for longer than a minute we wouldn’t be having that discussion right now,” Bucky stated and Steve shook his head lightly. “You can’t possibly tell me you haven’t thought about it yet.”

Shaking his head, Steve looked away from Bucky, “That would’ve been too easy. It shouldn’t be easy.”

“What?”

“Taking someone’s life.”

Bucky scoffed and put his glass down, making it clatter against the granite countertop. “Let’s say it would’ve been Peggy in that sit-”

“That’s not the same,” Steve interjected and stood up, to walk around the table and move further away from Bucky. He suppressed a humourless chuckle. It was getting to him. He knew that involving Peggy was a low blow but how else could he make Steve see what he was willing to do by now? Emotions were a difficult matter for him any day of the week, let alone in this clusterfuck of a mess.

“Isn’t it? Because-,” Bucky started but someone was knocking on the front door. The frantic rapping rang through the otherwise silent house, making Steve and Bucky’s eyes meet. Both of their faces were mirroring their confusion. Clint and Sam were out trying to find any leads on the remaining Hydra bases, Nat was God knows where and if it were them returning they would hardly knock. “Are you expecting anyone?”

Furrowing his brows and shaking his head ‘no’, Steve began to move towards the door, dodging any pieces of furniture and doorways blocking the way of his broad shoulders. No high-level threat would be knocking at their front door. So Bucky followed suit, but with enough distance so he could vanish, if needed.

Watching Steve look through the spyhole, Bucky noticed as his shoulders tensed up, making his stomach drop. “Jesus… What is she doing here?”

“What?”

Steve shot him an unreadable look before he opened the door wide, revealing a small and shivering form behind it.

“Shit, Liz,” Bucky swore, his eyes growing wide before he reached forward to pull her inside, letting his eyes flit over her body, looking for any injuries or blood, as he usually found her.

Steve stepped aside to close the door but shot Bucky a concerned look.
Pulling Liz closer against his body, touching her bare arms, he felt as if he had grabbed a block of ice. She might as well have been one, her face unfamiliarly pale and translucent, standing in a stark contrast to her dark hair. The only hint of color on her face could be found on her lips but even those looked raw, as if she had chewed on them in an attempt to comfort herself.

“Come on,” Bucky murmured into her ear, trying to coax her into moving further into the house but he could feel her starting to slump against his chest, giving more and more into her exhaustion. “I’m going to pick you up now, alright?” he said and hooked his arms underneath her knees, picking her up easily. Chances were they wouldn’t have moved from their spot had he relied on an answer from Liz.

Moving steadily into the living room, Bucky tried to avoid hitting any pieces of furniture with Liz’ legs hanging over his arm and carefully laid her onto the sofa where she slumped into the pillows like the last of her strength had finally left her, her eyes gently closing.

Grabbing her wrist he felt for her pulse. It was there. Not as strong as he would have liked it to be, but there and steady.

Bucky pulled his hands back, shook them out while trying not to pace back and forth. “Shit,” he seethed, getting louder and looking at Steve for help. “Shit, shit, shit.”
Holding out his hands to calm Bucky down, Steve tried to speak but Bucky beat him to it. “This!” he yelled, his frustration finally catching up with him. “This is what I meant! There’s blood on my hands, Steve,” he said, his voice lower but raw with emotion. “I’ve killed when I was asked to, when I was forced to. But if I could this time, I’d do it of my own accord”

Steve watched Bucky’s tense shoulders rise and fall with each breath, his mind racing and yes, he could see it. He knew what Bucky meant but he couldn’t demand that Steve understood. They still didn’t know whether Ewan was a victim or a perpetrator.

Bucky inhaled deeply and dropped into the chair next to the sofa Liz laid on, his head in his hands and ready to wait until Liz came around again. So Steve left him to it, trying to sort out his own conflicting emotions. He got where Bucky was coming from but his decades as the Winter Soldier had shown him something of the world Steve had yet to learn, or, would hopefully never see.

/////

It took a while until Liz opened her eyes, but more so out of the pain she was feeling than anything else. The dull ache she had usually just felt in her leg had overtaken her whole body but the scratchy pillows and their comforting smell brought her racing heart steadily back to normal. Leaning into the warmth on the right side of her face, she felt calloused fingertips brush her cheek, then the hand jerked and she heard Bucky exhale deeply. Pulling his hand away, he moved himself to the edge of the sofa, taking her face into his hands properly, almost smiling but not quite.

That was something she had realised fit Bucky quite well. Almost smiling, but not quite. He would one day, she hoped. It would happen, even if it was not her who would put it there.

Drawing his thumb over her cheeks, he looked her over, “How are you feeling?”

If she looked the same way she felt, he knew the answer to that already and was just asking out of courtesy. “The truth or do you want me to lie?”

“Truth?”

Groaning, she leaned into his hands again, somewhat content despite the pain. “Like I deserve a vacation right about now. With you. And the beach,” she mulled it over for a second. ”Or a field of fucking daisies. I don’t care.”

Bucky knew how she felt but going AWOL for him was not an option. They wanted him and Liz had gotten caught in the crosshairs.

“I’ve never been to the beach, I think. Not properly, at least.” There had been an assignment once but if he could make happy memories on a beach, with Liz, he would take it.

“It’s settled then. I’m going to whisk you away once my stupid ass legs start working again,” Liz chuckled with a little sparkle in her eye but Bucky’s face fell at her self depreciation. He didn’t know where she had come from, how she had gotten away. All that he knew was that she was somewhat okay and safe, here with him. But there was so much more he needed to know.

“What happened?” he asked, taking his hands from her face and moving them to her hands instead. They were tiny in comparison to his, almost being swallowed whole but warm and soft. When Bucky noticed a slight jerk, he furrowed his eyebrows. Liz was deep in thought, unsure of what to say.

“I… I saw Ewan.”

“What?” Bucky felt his stomach drop. The idiots.

“They took me to Rikers Island for an interrogation, tried to get him to confess,” Liz continued, then let out a humourless chuckle, “...which he did. He says he did it, Bucky. Because he wanted to. Because he could.” She looked away then, not able to meet his eyes but Bucky could see the tears glistening and threatening to fall.

Bucky let go of Liz’ hands, snaking his right arm beneath her shoulders and lying down next to her but Liz didn’t waste time to try to get as close as possible, huddling into his side. Bucky could feel her slightly shake with each sob she tried to repress. His anger made him feel each jerk and vibration with thrice the intensity.
Swallowing the lump in his throat he spoke, “Sometimes we don’t know people as well as we think we do.”

“Apparently,” Liz shuddered with an exhale. After sniffing, she mumbled into his shirt, “I couldn’t stand going back to the hospital. They were going to release me sometime soon anyway but I’m sure they would’ve made someone keep an eye on me. Where was I supposed to go? Especially with someone watching me… Speaking of watching.. How did you end up at his apartment anyway?”

“Sam tipped us of. Someone from the FBI called in that they had seen Ewan walking around the block,” he said. He knew she probably wanted every bit of information he could give her but giving her everything would also mean putting the whole burden on her again.

“And? You just wanted to talk?” she inquired.

“No,” he shook his head, leaned it against hers and added, after a pregnant pause, “I got his wife out of there.”

“He wanted to hurt her? I spoke to her, she didn’t know what he wanted.”

“I think so, yes.”

“The fire?” Liz asked, tensing up. The fire had been on her mind first and foremost. No one had gotten hurt, at least.

“Was an accident. She had left the iron on, next to the curtains. No one noticed it in the flurry of things. No one got hurt.”

“And you?”

Kissing her head, he answered, “Me neither.”

“Good,” Liz said, angling her head so she could look at his face. Despite the obvious worry on his face he was too handsome for his own good. He had turned heads almost eighty years ago and now he was turning hers. Leaning in, she pressed her lips to his softly. He hummed in agreement.

“Good,” he echoed, letting his fingers run over her arms. Liz was tired, he could feel it but her mind was wide awake, reeling with everything on their plate and all the possibilities they had of getting out of it which, granted, weren’t all that many.

“We need a new plan of action,” she spoke up, picking up on his thoughts. “This is.. It’s all going to shit really quickly.”

“I know, we’ve been working on it,” Bucky answered, unsure of how much he should disclose. She didn’t need to know yet, he decided. She needed to rest. He needed the peace of mind. “Today you’ll just sleep, get back on track. We’ll get you up to speed tomorrow, get some food into you.”

Nodding, she let her head sink onto his flesh shoulder again, laying her hand on his chest and feeling his heartbeat. Her next to him on this ratty old couch - he could have stayed like that forever, Hydra be damned.

“Hey Bucky?” she mumbled eventually, close to sleep.

“Yeah?”

“Thanks for caring.”