I Cannot Walk Away

-Amy-

It has been about a month since I have gotten out of the hospital. I do not remember much, I do not want to know even if I do remember... one day. The doctors say I am doing well, all check ups no action. I need a fix. I need one oh so bad. I can always hear Michelle whispering in the other room at Jimmy's apartment when she is there to get me help. isolated help. I know she wants me away from her husband. There should be no reason for her to worry anymore. I do not want him.

'How's it go Ams" Matt says softly while sitting next to me on the couch when i am taken out of my thoughts, admiring the scenery of outside. I am not allowed outside alone. They are afraid I will get hurt. Bless their hearts.

"It goes well Matto" I say.

I see him nod as he does not know what to say next. And I was ok with that I was not in the mood for talking anyways. I watched as Matt got up and left. Oh well, better head to my room.

__________________________________________________________________________

A few hours later and I am awoken by Jimmy.

'Amy pancake get up!" he hollers at my very sleepy face. I could not help but smile. He always has been so cheerful and so inviting since what has happened to me.

I get up and try to keep up at Jimmy's pulling me down the hall and into the kitchen. There I spotted Johnny and I felt my heart sink as he locked eyes with me. They were full of sadness and a mix of worry.

"Come hang out with us tonight" Maggie said happily while giving me a side hug. She has been seeing Jimmy for the past three weeks and I think she is awesome. So kind so knowledgeable and friendly. She takes my place. I kind of like it.

Maggie has short brown wavy hair that she keeps half back a lot, she is slender and a runner like me, another reason Jimmy thought we could get along so well.

I looked into Maggies green eyes, so full of life, so happy. So unlike me.

Johnny kept stealing glances at me, and I could tell he was trying to talk to me all night. It was not until I noticed we were the only two left in the kitchen. He held his unlit cigarette to me. I smiled and took it as he stepped closer.

"How are you" he Said just above a whisper so only I could here, I could tell Maggie and Jimmy were someplace listening to us.. or doing other things.

'" I am well" I lied. Johnny did not smile, he knew me too well.

"Amy" he said sternly.

I cocked my eyebrow and took a drag of his cigarette. God it felt so good.

"Let me help you. If not for you, for me, for" He paused for a moment, "us".

I nodded, I knew I needed help, I needed something. I could not stay so bottled up inside anymore.

He kissed the top of my head and sent me to bed, He told me he could call tomorrow for me to go see someone, something I did not to do. where do I begin, what would I even say? How could I tell them what happened to me, he would go to jail. I could be arrested.

I found my phone someplace under my bed, how it got there is beyond me. I called the only number well one of the only numbers on the phone, Johnny.

"I cannot do it. Please cancel" I said as soon as he said hello on the other end.

He sighed on the other end, before making any type of comment. " Get some sleep, please. I will see you in the morning". That is all he said before he hung up the phone. Frustrated, I ended up going to sleep.

By the time I knew it, I was sitting In an office chair waiting to be called in by the doctor. Johnny sat besides me tapping his finger on the arm of the chair lightly. There was three others with us, an older man, a kid not so much younger then My age, he could have been at least 22. The last patient was a women, with blonde hair who I focused on thinking she would be like me, nervous.

It was not long before I was sitting in front of the Psychologist. She was in her mid forties with short brown hair. She was think and wore a navy pantsuit with a while blouse underneath. In one way she reminded me of my mother.

"Amy, I would like to welcome you here today, You should reward yourself for talking the first step on your road to recovery".

"Thank you" I responded.

"what brings you here today?" she asks.

How would I begin, where would I begin. " A friend recommended me to come in today" I responded quickly. She nodded, I learned her name was Lyn. Dr. Lyn Beckenson.

Lyn nodded, studying me wondering clearly what was going on with me. "It was not you who called me, so I assume this friend is the one who came with you today?" she asked. I sat back and nodded.

"He must care so much for you for doing such a wonderful thing" She continued. I liked her voice, she did not speak very loud, she sat and waited for me to answer not pressuring me to say anything too quickly.

"Yes he does care a lot about me, we are close" I responded, not noticing I am smiling as I am talking about Johnny and all the great chemistry we had.

"why are you smiling" Lyn asks me.

"I am thinking about my friend, we have been close for about ten years now" I reply. Thinking back to all of the things we did, our engagement, all of our dates. My though changed to my failed marriage and my drug addiction, then finally Alex.

Lyn nodded at me noticing I am in deep thought.

"I sense an uneasy feeling to your body language, would you like to tell me what is going on"

I think about her question for a moment not noticing how she would react to what I would say further down the line.

" Yes, Just some things in my life I am not proud of" I say quick wanting to get away from this topic. But Lyn senses my uneasiness and presses more.

"Go on, what things have not made you so proud" She asks.

" I do not know were to begin, I guess a lot of built up to not proud moments" I say, wondering if that is something she could work on.

She nodded jotting down some more things. "I have not been the best person. I did some things I am not proud of that did not even make John proud, the person outside." I spill out unaware of what just happened. I look at Lyn who seems surprised yet very pleased that I had said more then a few words at a time.

"Very good Amy, progress is key and with time there will be more words to come and I can tell you did not expect all that to come out but I am glad it did come out. Now I would like when you leave here today is to thank John and tell him you appreciate him. Showing someone you care can be very rewarding. "

I nod and glance at the clock. Noticing time is almost up.

Lyn goes over my insurance to make sure everything is in order and we say goodbyes. I do not feel any different then I did before I went in.

Johnny greets me outside putting out his cigarette. "How was it" He asks smiling. I shrug and pull myself into the passenger side of his Suv.

"Can we get food, I am starving" He chuckles and finds one of our old favorite restaurants and I can feel myself becoming happy because it overlooks the ocean were he walked hand in hand on one of our first dates.

After dinner, Johnny walks me to Jimmy's apartment door where I happily hear silence, I texted Jim to make sure they were not involved in anything too productive and I could intrude on.

"Thank you" I say to him as we come face to face. I can see his eyes light up and a smile forms on his lips.

" Same time next week" he asks Kissing my hand goodbye. I nod and can feel a slight blush coming to my cheeks.

"Yes" Is all I could get out. He kisses my cheek and makes his way back to his car. I open the door to find a sleeping Jimmy and Maggie on the couch cuddled under a blanket. They are so cute together.

I head myself to my room and allow myself to fall into a nice quite slumber. A very much needed rest.